前车之鉴

最近与一些年轻客户的合作让我想到了自己刚到大城市求学时的情景。如今，我越来越经常地看到那些回忆，就像看到了另一个人，而不是认同年轻时的自己，通过她的眼睛看事物。在我的脑海中，我看到的是一个小书虫，在多年的憧憬之后，她终于开始了相对独立的生活，一双明亮的眼睛充满了希望和梦想： 男孩我是绿色的。我比爱尔兰的春天还要绿。除了荧光绿，没有任何词语可以形容这种绿色。只要再多一点点，我就会变成 50 种绿色。

Growing up in a relatively small community and meeting a limited number of people, I did experience some bullying and injustice, but still within certain limits. Most of it could be explained as either temporary egotism of childhood or misguided projections of adults with toxic backgrounds. I also spent more time with books than people.  At every meal break in my school, I would run into the school library to drift off in fantasy. After school, I would often go to the town library. Occasionally, the library cleaner had to brush dust off of me. While all that reading helped develop my thinking and awareness of my feelings, it certainly didn’t prepare me for the real world. In the books, there is always some pain and injustice, sure, but it’s usually temporary and relatively swiftly overcome (Game of Thrones wasn’t published yet). Lead characters are usually decent people, and the others are more like a blur.

By age of 18, I have already read quite a few popular psychology and self-help books, and was convinced that “any aggression is a cry for help” and that if I’m nice to others, others will be nice to me, sooner or later. I had a lot to learn.

So there I was, joyful about my new-found freedom and eager to start new friendships and perhaps get a part-time job. Internet was still very young, there were no forums or social networks to give me some idea of what to expect. I wanted to give the whole world a chance. Whoever approached me in the streets or in a city park (reading, of course) I would give them a chance. (After all, all the stray encounters in books are followed by interesting developments!) If they would act a bit weird, I would give an internal shrug and think “I guess they have some reason for it.” Well, they did, but not in the way I imagined.

I couldn’t really imagine people seeing me as an object rather than a person. In the small community I grew up in, most people either knew me, or vaguely expected I might be either related to or at least friendly to somebody they knew. With the anonymity of a big city, some people unleash their inner beast. Welcome to the world of sexual predators.

When online discussions come to the topic of sexual harassment and rape, some people lately lash out angrily at anybody who suggests teaching young girls reasonable caution. They say, “Girls shouldn’t have to learn to be cautious, men should learn to see them as people and control themselves!” I agree with all my heart – in theory. But at age of 18-19, what I desperately needed was somebody to teach me how the world 是而不是世界 应 是

Those men who approached me perceived my friendliness as a signal that I knew and agreed to what they expected. Most of them couldn’t possibly imagine somebody as naive as I was. Not a week after I arrived to the city, I was chatting with a guy who appeared friendly enough. After a while, he asked me, “Would you want us to spend time together here and there?” I thought he meant to have a coffee together, so I said, “Sure, why not?” He put his arm around my waist. I moved it away. He said, “But you just agreed to…” I said, “I didn’t agree with 那!” His jaw dropped: “Well, what did you think it meant?” My jaw dropped.

几天后，我坐上了一个男人的车，他邀请我去附近的山上游玩。在山顶上，他试图吻我。我拒绝了。在回来的路上，他转向一条林间小道，向我扑来。我慌忙夺门而出，设法打开门，跑进了森林。那时天已经黑了。我跑着躲在树后，然后一直走到一家小餐馆，请几个人开车送我回城。第二天，那个人给我打了电话（是的，我在混乱发生之前给了他我的电话号码。是的，我太天真了。我们已经确定了这一点。 他觉得我会喜欢.我告诉他不要再给我打电话了。他当然打了过了一会儿他就放弃了。

Next episode (yes, there was a next episode. I know, I know.) was with a guy who offered me a part time job. I certainly needed a job, so I agreed that he would drive me to his supposed shop where I would be working. He drove in silence. Somehow, I felt something was off. I still have no idea what did I sense – smell? Posture? Expression? – but my heart started pounding. My body was screaming, “Get out of here!” At the next red traffic light, I opened the door and left without a word. He didn’t seem surprised. He barely looked back. I trusted my instincts, finally. How many girls didn’t? Or were too polite to leave?

Luckily, I was never truly assaulted or stalked. Perhaps even such violent people were shocked into inaction by my naivety. People I met those days weren’t overly skillful in manipulating, either; by the time I met some such people, I was slightly less naive. Anyway, I stopped responding to men approaching me in the park. That was easier said than done. Slowly, I stopped going to the park altogether.

If I could go back in time and give advice to my younger self, I would tell her: “听从直觉. They are not there for decoration only. They have a purpose. You are in a jungle, even if it’s concrete  rather than green. Observe carefully. Open your eyes and ears wide. And don’t sit in the car with strangers.”

I still generally trust people. It turns out well most of the time. But I’m much more discerning now and my criteria are way higher. I was lucky enough to come out of those experiences unharmed. But how many girls (and boys) weren’t so lucky?

有人说，教育女孩关注自身安全意味着 指责受害者. I don’t understand such black and white attitude. If you said to a child, “Don’t sit in the car with strangers” and the child was kidnapped anyway, would you blame the child or the kidnappers? Teenagers might have more developed brains and more experience than small children, but they are not nearly experienced enough. They cannot easily imagine all kinds of different people out there. Even adult people can never be totally prepared for anything that might happen. Teach your children about finding 平衡 谨慎与自由之间。是的，显然，也要教男孩把女孩看成是人。有太多有毒的模式会教给他们相反的东西。

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