好人会成为施虐者吗？

好人怎么会成为施虐者？

In short: yes, it is sometimes possible for otherwise good people to be abusers in close relationships. I had (at least) one such in my family; I worked as a coach with several of them. Although I don’t specialize in abuse so I may not be able to give the whole picture, I can share what I have learned through experience.

首先，没有人是完全好的，也没有人是完全坏的。我们一路走来，都发展出了自己的不同部分。人脑能够同时容纳非常矛盾的冲动。我们通常认为，如果一个人在生活中的某一阶段产生了共鸣和健康的情感，那么至少从逻辑上讲，他也应该能够在其他阶段运用这种情感，但人仍然是非常非理性的存在。

同样，虐待既不简单也不单一，也不都是同样强烈的。情感勒索、受害者角色以及各种操纵行为都可以被有条件地归类为较轻的虐待变种。然而，许多人都是在无意识的情况下做这些事情的，这是他们成长的文化或家庭的一部分。这就是为什么我们不应该从意图的角度来看待虐待，而应该更多地从效果的角度来看待虐待。虐待和健康行为之间甚至没有明确的过渡，往往是细微的差别。

在我所看到的那些本意良好但最终却表现出虐待行为的人身上，有一个常见的现象是 需要完美的关系. One of them told me that when his wife disagrees with him, he can’t help but experience it as disrespect, and the feeling of being disrespected makes him angry. (That, of course, had a lot to do with how he was brought up.) Others may feel that a love relationship should be like an idyll where all their needs are met and where they experience no dissatisfaction and frustration. It is essentially the child’s search for the unfulfilled ideal of the parents. When the partner shows that not only they cannot fulfill all these wishes, but also have their own needs and a separate identity, childish idealization can turn into childish outbursts of anger.

深刻 害怕失去控制 is another common cause of abuse. This fear also usually has its roots in one’s childhood. There are people who are mostly warm or well-intentioned, but due to various traumas, they feel the need to be in the driver’s seat and cannot allow others to interfere at all or do anything unforeseen. Anything unexpected or different can cause irrational fear in them, and fear often leads to anger as an attempt to re-establish control and therefore safety.

第三种人，正如我之前提到的，他们学会了害怕，或 不知道如何直接表达自己, say what they want and stand up for themselves, so they try to do so indirectly – through manipulation, playing the victim, passive aggression. They often think that this is normal behavior and either they are not aware that something else is possible for them, or the thought of clear communication scares them too much. They usually come from families where there was a combination of aggression on the one hand and manipulation on the other, so they expect the former and protect themselves with the latter.

Additionally, people with the borderline personality disorder can in their core be just as well meaning as anybody else, but being overwhelmed by extreme painful emotions might make them blind to how their coping strategies (projection, aggression, inconsistency, passive aggression…) are hurting those closest to them.

In short: people can be warm and well-meaning, yet deeply immature and unhealthy. The ability to empathize can moderate toxic behavior, but it’s possible that unhealthy emotions override empathy.

这样的人能改变吗？

只有当他们有强烈的改变动机，充分认识到自己的问题，并决心为自己的感受负责时，才有可能改变。重要的是，要不断努力，并能看到逐渐好转的变化。仅仅在每次新的爆发后道歉和后悔是不够的。

不幸的是，这种情况非常罕见，因为这些人往往有一种无意识的印象（直到生活找到一种方法把他们痛打一顿），即他们的行为给他们带来的好处多于坏处。如果他们在孩提时代经历过很多恐惧，那么这些好处之一往往就是基本的安全感，甚至是生存感。再次面对这些恐惧，大多数人都会选择逃避。

我能帮助这样的人吗？

原因同上，很少。改变的动力应该来自内心，而不是外部。一般来说，语言和争论不足以克服童年时期的非理性情绪。如果你试图拯救这样的人，那么你更有可能陷入他们的世界，轻则失去时间和精力，重则可能失去自尊和身份，最严重的可能失去身体健康甚至生命。

The need to save such a person, as well as the hope that you will succeed in changing them, are most likely a pattern you carry from your relationship with your parents. Let’s remember: 在恋爱关系中，人们往往希望自己的伴侣会像自己的父母那样改变，而不是像自己的父母那样.如果你对此有共鸣，我建议你首先关注自己的情感治疗。否则，你会让自己的自尊依赖于一个不健康的人，而这通常会导致糟糕的结局。

你可以和这样的人谈谈他的行为给你的感觉，你认为他的行为可能来自哪里，以及可能的后果是什么。格外注意 健康沟通 when giving an unpleasant feedback. The rest is up to them – and I believe that unhealthy behavior should be followed by reasonable 后果.

How can I tell if it’s time to leave?

一个完美的天使也许能够保持内心的平静和自尊，即使是在符合前面描述的人身边。但我们大多数人仍然是人，我们对生活的享受在很大程度上取决于我们与重要人物关系的质量。我们还需要考虑到自己从童年开始就背负的所有不安全感、伤害和创伤。即使我们忽略了人身攻击的潜在危险，期望有毒行为不会影响我们也是不现实的。

在一段值得维持的关系中，你应该感到舒适、有价值、安全和自由。 你的自尊心应该是稳定的。你不应该怀疑对方在想什么，他们会对某件事情有何反应，而是应该相信，如果你做的事情让对方感到困扰，对方会冷静、尊重地向你解释。

你越是感到不安全、困惑、缺乏自由，尤其是感到自己的不足，就越有必要摆脱这种关系。无论你多么同情你的伴侣，无论你多么欣赏他们好的一面。同情也无济于事，甚至会让事情变得更糟：如果伴侣因为其不成熟的行为而从你这里得到越来越多的让步、努力和关注、 他们可能会不自觉地认为你的努力是对他们不成熟行为的奖励.

If, despite your sincere efforts, you feel insecure and uncomfortable in the relationship; if you have to restrain yourself to avoid upsetting your partner, if your communication does not work, if you can’t come to a mutual understanding… 不必为了离开伴侣而将其视为施虐者如果你认识到你们之间的关系并不融洽，而且这种关系也行不通，这就足够了。 If you don’t feel good in a relationship, then the relationship isn’t good for you, even if it’s no one’s fault.

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