与施虐者和受虐者合作

If for whatever reason you are interested to learn about the topic of abuse, I strongly recommend the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. This book is especially useful for dismantling some common myths about what causes abuse and violence – whether physical, emotional or verbal – and for understanding how abusers control their partners and why.

While I believe that the author exaggerates somewhat in his claim that it’s usually men who abuse women to the point of deep trauma and violence, and rarely the other way around, I suggest that you avoid getting carried away by that part of the debate, and read the book because it’s full of detail, experience and practical insight. No matter your age, gender and sexual orientation, it can help you recognize the causes, strategies and 红旗 虐待，并希望及时摆脱这种关系。

I’ll mention here some of the important insights Bancroft’s book offers, and in the rest of the article I’ll talk about my own experience working with abusers and victims of abuse (although that experience is somewhat limited considering that I only work with voluntary clients, unlike social service workers and related institutions).

因此，根据班克罗夫特的说法 施虐者的主要特征是:

– They are 折服 (他们从家庭和文化模式中学到的） that dominating and controlling one’s partner is acceptable and justified.因此，虐待并不主要是童年创伤、自卑、失控等类似因素造成的（即使这些因素经常参与其中），因为许多其他人也遭受创伤和强烈情绪的后果，但并没有诉诸虐待。虐待主要是价值体系允许虐待并为之辩护的结果。

– They find significant and often conscious 乐在其中 对其伙伴的压制，以及特权而非平衡。

– They are 格外以自我为中心，坚信自己的需要和欲望应放在首位, while their partners’ needs are secondary if not irrelevant (such childish egotism can indicate they are searching for a 代父母而不是真人）。在这种情况下，他们 视为挑衅 每当伴侣表达自己的意愿、不同意见或不同愿望时。 

– 对他们来说，关系不是合作和相互依存这种关系的存在是为了服务于他们，而且只服务于他们。

– They mentally 将自己的伴侣物化（非人化），以避免感到内疚、同情或责任他们找各种借口批评受害者，把自己的虐待行为归咎于受害者。他们真的学会了将伴侣视为某种占有物。(文化、宗教和传统的影响也是原因之一）。

– In time, under influence of their own excuses and dehumanizing their partners, they 对更严重的虐待行为越来越宽容他们越来越容易失去控制。

– 温情脉脉的行为期是它们策略的一部分 (向受害者重新灌输希望和信任/同情）。

–在公共场合，施虐者通常魅力十足、轻松自如，并具有良好的社交能力. They might be charismatic, and some abusers might even come across as shy and mild-mannered. They can express genuine compassion and respect for people other than their partners and children, because they don’t perceive such people as property and responsible for pleasing them. This confuses the victim and makes it more difficult for the victim’s claims to be taken seriously.

所有这些特征和行为可能是有意识的，也可能是无意识的，但都是 往往比其他大多数人，甚至是大多数帮助专业人士所推测的更加深思熟虑. Bancroft mentions many situations in which his clients let their guard slip for a moment and revealed deliberate, convoluted manipulative strategies and awareness of how those strategies might influence their partners. They simply don’t perceive their partners’ feelings important enough to consider.

辅导自愿受助的施虐者

我的客户中既有男性，也有女性，他们抱怨自己的伴侣忽视他们的需求，对他们冷漠，而后来，通常是在夫妻辅导中，才发现其实是他们在控制和压迫自己的伴侣。 Sometimes it’s the abuser who first seeks coaching or therapy, who presents themselves as very sensitive and aware of the need to improve communication. This type of abuser can skillfully manipulate an inexperienced helping professional and “recruit” them as their “flying monkey” to confuse and weaken the victim even more.

有时，对客观公正的渴望让我有点 过于 至少在一开始是客观公正的，直到更多的细节曝光。施虐者往往意识到这一点，并可能试图 通过指责你偏袒任何一方来操纵你. They are also likely to hide details or lie about them. Therefore, if you are a helping professional, as soon as abuse is mentioned, it’s important to 一探究竟 并询问尽可能多的具体细节，因为有时施虐者可能会先寻求帮助，然后声称自己是虐待或忽视的受害者（有时他们真的相信这一点）。

在这种情况下需要注意以下几点：

–施虐者往往只关注自己的欲望和需求, and rarely if ever mention or show understanding for their partners’ feelings (although, some might pretend that they do care, if they are skillful enough). As this is not so far away from average human behavior, you need to be very careful and pay attention to instincts that warn you there might be something strange here. If at all possible, ask to talk to their partners to hear their side of the story. 

– 受害者角色是一种特别隐蔽的虐待形式。

– Some abusers might admit certain violent and controlling behaviors, but they are likely to 证明和减少 他们。再次，询问非常具体的细节，以便更好地了解情况。在此过程中，请尽量保持冷静和中立。

– Sometimes (but certainly not always) an abuse victim might come seeking help to “become a better person” and please their partner, believing that abuse related problems are their own fault and responsibility. 

– 施虐者可能会责怪自己的伴侣，为自己的观点寻求确认和支持，或招募专业人员。 to help them criticize and control their victim. The helping professional needs to be particularly careful and skillful to find out enough details while avoiding being perceived as blaming, suspicious or partial. Again, pay attention how much understanding, empathy and respect does a client show for their partner’s needs.

– Abusers might be 深信自己有权控制受害者. Their strong belief can make their non-verbal communication congruent and convincing. Some of them might say they want to resolve their own emotional issues “which make them attract such problematic partners”, and you might only later find out that what they actually want is to control their partners. As a professional cannot read minds and it would be foolish to pretend to, in the beginning it might be impossible to be sure how things really are. 保持警惕，识别潜在的不协调、为自己的行为找借口和不切实际的期望 的合作伙伴。此外，请务必 never criticize or make judgments about a partner you’ve never met.

– As soon as you 应对 施虐者不切实际的期望、借口和咄咄逼人的行为、 期待他们指责你、指控你，并试图操纵你 in various ways, including threats to damage your reputation and, in the worst cases, to your physical safety. Most times, an abuser will try to punish you with passive aggression (refusing contact with you, refusing to answer questions during sessions, victim games…), while their active aggression is often reserved for their partner. If you work with voluntary clients, it’s much less likely that someone would threaten actual physical violence, but they could threaten to sue you or damage your public image. Consider up front, if possible, how do you want to deal with such threats. Keep in mind that few abusers would put their threats into practice just because you tell them your thoughts. Even if they do, they are not likely to reach enough people to create significant damage, especially if you have already established a reputation of quality for your practice.

– Regardless of whether you believe a client to be an abuser or a victim of abuse, helping them discover and deal with their childish emotions, toxic beliefs, and sense of inadequacy is unlikely to hurt anybody. Even narcissism usually 隐藏着脆弱的自我意识 以及深深压抑的不满足感。在较轻的情况下，一些施虐者可能会意识到 当他们自我感觉良好时, they don’t need to be pleased all the time by their partners, and they can allow themselves to see other perspectives and feel more empathy for their partners. Still, be aware that working on emotional issues is often 不够 如果施虐者不愿意面对和改变，如何解决施虐行为？ 核心问题：价值体系 这就是不尊重、操纵和控制伴侣的理由。

– If at all possible, 要求他们与伴侣一起来 for a couple session at least once. Many “milder” abusers are less likely to lie with abandon if their partner can hear and confront such lies. Of course, sometimes the victim of abuse might be too afraid (or too manipulated) to disagree with the abuser and give their own version of the story, but such couples are not likely to voluntarily ask for coaching or therapy anyway.

– Be aware that abuse doesn’t necessarily include physical violence; various forms of manipulation, insults, criticism, demeaning comments, intimidation or passive aggression are also abuse and can have heavy consequences for a victim’s self-confidence and personal boundaries.

辅导虐待受害者

Victims of various forms of abuse might be aware they are abused, but not know what should they do – or sometimes they might believe it’s all their fault. I had a few clients who were convinced they were abusers, and later it turned out they were guilt-tripped by their partners to believe that asking for healthy balance and expressing their needs was abuse. Words have power, and playing with words to twist one’s perception of reality is one of the favorite weapons of abusers.

无论如何 施虐者及其受害者 他们有条件（或自学成才）去 为虐待行为开脱并将其最小化，并为施虐者找借口（即使受害者往往觉得自己有太多的同情心和责任感而反过来施虐）。同样，首先要尽可能多地找到具体细节。

Many victims were “trained” (or self-trained) as small children within unhealthy families to be 特别有责任感、体贴、宽容，把自己的需要放在第一位 while taking care of others. Abusers can often “sense” such personality traits in others, and they usually start with mildly 测试潜在受害者 通过不经意的批评、操纵和挑战底线，看对方是否会顺从和让步。

受害者通常需要以下帮助 更加重视他们的感受和需求 (施虐者主要关注自己的需求）。他们需要明白，他们有权遵循自己的目标和价值观，而且 水火不容完全可以. You’ll probably have to help them learn to avoid justifying themselves or trying to prove their point of view to their partners, and simply stick to their own values instead.

虐待受害者很可能需要帮助来解决以下问题 与施虐者的情感纽带. A part os such a bond is often something called the Stockholm syndrome, which means that a victim often develops gratitude for small reliefs and rewards occasionally given by the abuser, as well as compassion for the abuser. However, there is another emotional pattern often originating in the victim’s 与父母的关系, which is reflected in the victim’s 希望最终证明自己的价值并得到认可from the abuser. A victim lives in hope that the abuser would soon recognize how easily and joyfully they could live in mutual understanding and cooperation (which doesn’t happen because the abuser simply doesn’t value such kind of happiness enough与权力和特权相比）。这通常是 同样的希望让孩子们与不成熟的父母相依为命希望得到他们的爱和认可，而且很难放弃。这通常是最需要解决的情感模式。

过多的同情

易受虐待、操纵和控制的人往往会自发地选择富有同情心和责任心过强的人作为伴侣（受害者），因为他们觉得在某种程度上，这样的人更容易被说服，从而忽视自己的需求和底线。一个极富同情心的人甚至会在虐待行为变得显而易见时，仍有与施虐者在一起的冲动、 希望帮助施虐者解决情感创伤并感受到爱. It’s important to help such a victim understand that it almost certainly won’t help, for the following reasons:

– as the partner is not the real cause of the abuser’s behavior他们 解决不了, either. My experience with people who were abused as children shows that no matter how kind, caring and compassionate their partner might be, the consequences of childhood abuse cannot be resolved through partner’s help only. The change has to happen internally and requires strong motivation. If an abuse victim tries to help the abuser, 这通常只会促使施虐者更加物化和不尊重她们。

– The abuser simply doesn’t respect their victim enough to allow them to be of real help. They usually believe in their partner’s inferiority (which often has roots in sexism and patriarchal traditions), so they perceive cooperation as “lowering” themselves, and receiving help as humiliation.

– An abuser usually finds 乐不思蜀 在操纵和控制中，他们不会轻易放弃。与他们在权力和支配中找到的快乐相比，相互尊重与合作的快乐和美好对他们来说要么是陌生的，要么是根本不感兴趣的。有时，施虐者和受害者都会 perceive drama as “exciting” or “passionate”, and a healthy relationship as “boring”.

让虐待受害者感到困惑的另一个原因可能是要意识到 施虐者的一些良好个人特征. It’s easier for the victim to see the human being with virtues and faults in the abuser, than for somebody who only reads or hears about abuse. It’s important to help the victim understand that one doesn’t have to be a monster to be unhealthy, egotistic and violent. Help them understand that they don’t have to hate someone or label them as a monster to leave them. Also, help them recognize the 个人特质与人生价值的区别.

帮助受害者认识到，无论施虐者（声称）对他们有什么感觉、 这不是爱. An abuser can desire their victim, be possessive about them, or even need them, but they still don’t respect them or see them as a real human being. 健康的成人之爱与控制和暴力是绝对不相容的。

Help the victim recognize what kind of relationship they really want, and compare it to what they’ve got. Help them recover their self-esteem and trust in themselves – or to build them if they didn’t have the chance to develop those qualities before.

对暴力的文化支持

家庭和亲密关系中的虐待是 这只是美化权力、支配和控制他人的文化的一个方面. How many people do you know who admire ruthless “strongmen” in world politics, and justify their crimes? I know some otherwise fairly intelligent people who do. How many times did you read online comments in which people admire manipulators or even thieves, and barely spare a thought for their victims? Or articles in which violent berserk soldiers are lauded as heroes? Or, just consider the traditional ideas of what does it mean to be “a real man”.

当你读到世界上发生的各种暴力、不公正和歧视事件时，即使你没有被引诱去 怪罪于受害者, do you notice yourself thinking something like, “Well, that’s just how things are in this world” or, “This is not even so unusual”, or, “That’s how it’s always been”? It’s a sign that you are influenced by a culture that at least tolerates, if not justifies and approves of, injustice and violence.

I hope and believe that things will be much better within 100 or 300 years, just like nowadays things are much better compared to early 20th century, not to mention all the earlier centuries. The progress wasn’t stopped by the two world wars or any other crisis since. In the meantime, it’s the responsibility of each of us who are now alive, to add a brick or two into the foundation of a better world, if possible by being a living example of it. We might not live to see this house being finished, but we can be among its creators.

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