如何做出更好的决定？

Do you often have problems with making decisions? If you try making up your mind based on conscious information and temporary emotions, your decision making might be limited and confusing (even if we ignore the impact of childhood emotions – which we shouldn’t).

我相信，我们有一种自然健康的本能，能够做出适合自己的选择。这种本能是无意识信息处理的结果，它比我们有意识的思维包含更多的信息。一些资料表明，无意识思维处理信息的速度几乎是有意识思维的 20 万倍。我们的生活经验越丰富，这个过程就会变得越精细，我们就能做出更好的决定。

However, many people tell me they don’t feel such an instinct, or it is buried under fears, doubts, guilt and shame, reinforced for years in their families. Very often, problems with making decisions are a consequence of growing up with parents who not only constantly argue, but expect their children to take sides. Such children are confused, torn inside themselves, and trying to please both parents, they forget how to listen to themselves.

A parent who is either unpredictable or plays the victim role (or both) can also easily scare or manipulate children into not trusting their own sense of guidance. Children who are by nature more trusting, cooperative or have an anxious attachment style are especially vulnerable to manipulation and criticism. Once a child learns to ignore their own „gut feeling”, it can fade and stay underdeveloped, like a muscle rarely used.

Yet even if your healthy instinct is hidden, it’s not lost. You can recover it by learning to carefully observe your feelings. The healthy instinct is usually not a strong emotion, but more like a calm sense of knowledge. It can be hidden somewhere in the background of conflicting emotions. Yet just like you learned to distinguish one emotion from another as a child, you can also learn to recognize this instinct and separate it from other feelings.

It might take some time, though – just like anything else done right. Introspection and mindfulness need to be a part of your life in the long run. When I was a kid, I used to read a lot, and looking back, I’d say reading helped me a lot to learn about emotions (mine as well as others’) and to process them in a way that’s safer than most. So reading is something I would recommend from experience.

While you are still learning, don’t rush. Our human minds have an unfortunate tendency to oversimplify things and take them to extremes. Desiring to prove yourself you have learned, you might be tempted to follow various emotional urges which are not the true instinct. Practice with small steps first, until you are confident you can separate the healthy instinct from various emotions.

Your „gut feeling” will not always tell you what you want to hear and immediately take you where you want to go. When I graduated from university, I was eager to start my coaching career right away, but no matter what I did, I wasn’t moving forward. After about a year of struggling, I got an offer for a part time job requiring a two-year commitment. Consciously, I didn’t really want that job, I wanted to do my own thing. But my instinct told me to take it. So I did – and just as those 2 years came to an end, various other circumstances aligned to make it much easier for me to start my independent career. Sometimes our unconscious minds know better than us when we are truly ready for something.

I wonder what happens with people who have immature or toxic values, such as wanting to exploit others or wanting to dominate the world. Do their instincts go along or warn them against it? As far as I know, our „gut feeling” doesn’t have a mind or morality of its own. What it’s most likely to do is to predict possible consequences. Not every person necessarily cares about all of those consequences, I guess. But I don’t have enough experience to make clear claims.

也许你已经有了一些认识到自己的健康本能并在其他时候或生活的其他方面遵循它的经验。如果有，请回忆一下当时的感受。当你需要做出决定时，将这种记忆与你现在的感受进行比较。

即使意识受到限制，也不要忽视它。就像我们的身体需要不同的器官才能顺利运作一样，我们的头脑也需要不同的部分协同工作。如果你让自己的各个部分相互沟通，希望它们能学会心平气和地沟通，而不是像孩子一样争吵。最理想的情况是，你能得出让你的所有部分都能感到平静的见解和结论。一旦你们知道了这种心态以及如何达到这种状态，接下来的每一次都会变得更加容易。

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