如何抵制操纵

我们为什么会被操纵

如果我们认为自己的强烈情绪是现实的，就很难抵制操纵。

大多数人似乎认为，情绪越强烈，就越现实。但实际情况往往恰恰相反（除非我们的生命面临迫在眉睫的危险）。

This is, quite likely, an unpopular claim. But if you’ve read my earlier articles, you probably know what I’m talking about. Intense emotions are often a reaction to childhood “programming”, especially suppressed emotions we never resolved.(阅读更多 本条).成年人的情绪，即那些涉及我们的生活经验和大脑成人部分的情绪，通常更平静、更复杂。但是，没有人教我们这些，尤其是没有清晰合理的方式。

一些强烈的情绪可能是由与生俱来的本能（如争权夺利的本能、部落本能、对死亡的恐惧）或从不健康的榜样中学来的。大多数情绪只需几个特定的词语或符号就能触发。许多人一开始就放弃了批判性思维 关键词或符号, such as national flags, religious symbols, or words such as patriotism, freedom, faith, and the like are used. (As George Carlin used to say, “symbols are for symbol-minded” 🙂

人类的任何情感都可以用来操纵他人。 Manipulators often exploit not only fear, greed, guilt, shame, but also the human desire for cooperation, connection, to be good people, empathy – and, especially lately, the desire for freedom and independent thinking. Abusers in intimate relationships, politicians, religions, and marketers especially like to take advantage of 希望. And that’s just the beginning of the list.

顾名思义，操纵是隐蔽的。操纵者试图诱使他人做出某种行为，而这种行为如果对方知道更多的情况和诱导行为的后果，而不仅仅是操纵者提供给他们的选定信息，是不会选择这种行为的。任何沟通技巧都可以用来做好事，但如果我们隐藏自己的意图，也可以用来操纵他人。

Therefore, in the first step – recognizing manipulation – we usually have to rely on our inner voice and the impression of a mismatch between the message we receive verbally and the message we receive nonverbally. But in doing so, we need to pay attention to distinguish healthy intuition from manipulated or childish emotions. Healthy intuition is usually subtler. To resist manipulation, we need not only to question what we’re feeling and why, but also to recognize the subtle voice of intuition that may counteract strong emotions.

Evolution has given us, among other things, very subtle instincts for subconsciously analyzing nonverbal speech. Thus, even nature helps us somewhat to resist manipulation. Yet those instincts obviously don’t always work, because even quite obvious mass manipulation often succeeds. These instincts don’t seem to work equally well for all people. Childhood environment certainly influences their development.

有些家庭，甚至整个文化，都充满了操纵，或者至少缺乏真实性。在某些情况下，尤其是如果除了操纵他人的亲戚之外，我们还有足够多的真实行为榜样，我们就能很好地了解其中的区别，从而轻松抵制操纵行为。但是，如果我们周围的人几乎都是不真实的，如果这样的环境对我们来说从小就是正常的，我们就会学会接受不真实的行为，认为这是自然的，甚至是可取的。那么，真实就会让人感觉不自然，我们可能会避而远之。

操纵并不一定都是恶意的、有意识的。有些人操纵别人，是因为他们有过这样的经历：如果他们说话直接，就会受到惩罚。有些人是因为这在他们的家庭中很正常。无意识的操纵仍然是操纵，但它可能更成功，因为操纵者的内心不那么不和谐，因此非语言信号也不那么不协调。

现代的问题还在于，通过电子媒体，如果我们不观看录音中说话的人，我们接收到的只是语言信息，而非语言信息则被隐藏起来。如果我们只听到声音，有时还能接收到说话者通过音调、语气等发出的部分无意识信号，但如果是书面内容，我们甚至连这些都没有。

In this case, one way to resist manipulation is to ask yourself: does this content provoke certain emotions in me (eg fear, anger, pride…), and to what extent does it seem to do so in a conscious and deliberate manner? Does it seek to stimulate my emotions to obscure my objectivity and reason? What could be the result of that and who would benefit from it?

我们如何帮助操纵者

如果我们得到的东西至少有一部分是我们愿意相信的，特别是如果它利用了我们更原始的本能或未得到满足的幼稚情感和需求，那么操纵往往会成功。 操纵是一种诱惑为了成功，我们必须以某种方式接受这种诱惑。我们必须心甘情愿地压抑自己抵制操纵的本能。

仇恨例如 可以刺激内啡肽 – the so-called hormones of happiness – so it’s easy to get addicted to hatred. Some people seem to carry hidden desires for violence and war, which they can control as long as they are socially unacceptable, but as soon as war is justified in public, these urges will recognize their opportunity and flourish. Greed and hope are also very seductive emotions. A great definition of marketing is “贩卖希望“. Even when it is unconvincing, even when it does not show the expected results, we can convince ourselves for a long time that it is at least partly true – because we want it to be.

The desire to prove ourselves in some way, whether we want to be good, smart, special, or “cool,” can also often lead us to participate in the game. The need for love, community, and even a substitute for the family can bind us to toxic relationships and organizations. Religions and cults usually exploit the human need for a community, and often offer a surrogate family (e.g. by using terms such as “holy father”, “brother”, “sister”). You can end up trying to earn love, approval, or reward through obedience and trust, as you probably did in your early family.

If we feel fear of conflict or abandonment – or perhaps fear of missing out – we can convince ourselves to agree with the manipulator despite intuitive discomfort. Love can be used as manipulation, too: “I do it for you, for your own good, because I love you”, or “if you loved me, you would …” The manipulator needs some form of our cooperation, because if there is no cooperation there are no results.

操纵策略

Manipulation seems to be evolving along with human society and becoming more sophisticated and elaborate – including more and more pseudoscience and manipulation of science.

除上述之外，还有一些数不胜数的操纵形式：

• 通过非语言交流进行操纵，如自信、受害者角色等
• touching people, entering personal space is a popular method used by salespeople in “physical” stores to either distract you or make you feel friendlier to them
• subtle, verbal or non-verbal, threats of abandonment; anger, rejection, blame … (more about emotional blackmail in 本条)
• among so-called “pick up artists”, a popular method is called “negging”, which is essentially a kind of direct or indirect depreciating of the “target” in order to arouse in them the desire to prove themselves and do what the manipulator wants. In modern political manipulation, this is also often used.
• 分心、混乱、快速和无休止地说话，目的是不让目标有空间和时间进行清晰的思考
• “forced rapport” – too fast and unsolicited signaling of intimacy and friendliness with a stranger
• 慢慢突破界限，等到受害者习惯了这种情况，再进一步突破界限。这是施虐者在恋爱关系中常用的策略，有时在商业和政治中也是如此。
• 不请自来的礼物和服务（这种情况的一个隐蔽版本是商家在店内提供免费糖果，以鼓励人们需要给予回报）
• Long-term games, making friends with a “target” with no visible short-term benefits, but with long-term goals in mind
• the manipulator may ask the “target” for advice or a small favor, in order to take advantage of the human need for consistent behavior, that is, to continue to have an open attitude towards the manipulator in the future. A similar principle is used in a strategy whereby if you ask someone the first few questions which they are likely to answer yes, then they are more likely to say yes later.
• Apparent objectivity, extreme rationality without acknowledging emotions is also manipulation. Ignoring emotions means ignoring the fundamental humanity of others, which is automatically manipulative when such “objectivity” is used as an argument in any personal or political topic.
• Distortion, exaggeration and simplification of precious ideals is typical of mass manipulations and many ideologies – political, religious and the like.
• And so on indefinitely …

如何识别操纵行为

既然操纵顾名思义是隐蔽的，那么最重要的就是揭露它。第一步是澄清内心：分析自己的感受。操纵者激发了你的什么情绪，他们似乎想要你做出什么样的行为？要做到这一点，就需要学会倾听直觉和微妙的感觉。更多相关信息，请参阅 本条.

另一方面，在分析自己的情感时，我们还需要区分幼稚的情感和原始的本能（操纵者常常利用这些情感和本能）与健康的成人情感和需求（倾听这些情感和需求是明智之举）。(了解更多有关区分健康和不健康情绪的信息 这里).在这样做的过程中，我们需要小心谨慎，不要为追随不成熟的情感和欲望寻找借口，从而欺骗和操纵自己。

Manipulators will recognize your weaknesses quickly (or they will probe until they find some) – so you must be aware of your weaknesses as well. Is it the fear of saying no, the urge to cooperate and please others, vanity, loneliness, guilt, responsibility, trust, desire to prove yourself …? Be aware of your weak points and pay special attention when you feel like someone is triggering them.

Some people may have trouble trusting their own healthy feelings and needs if they have been manipulated since childhood that their needs don’t matter. This requires longer-term, patient work on valuing and expressing your feelings both internally and externally.

过度敏感的人可能还有一个问题，那就是信息超载会让他们无法意识到自己微妙的直觉，尤其是在发生很多事情或需要快速做出决定的时候。他们也可以通过练习识别微妙的内在情绪冲动来帮助自己，只要有可能，他们就应该花时间独自放松，心无旁骛地思考。

与操纵者打交道

A lot of small everyday manipulation is easy to ignore. It’s harder when it comes to people close to you, or business colleagues. Often people ask: How to defeat a manipulator without having to confront them? But to defeat manipulation means to face it. First within your own emotions and behavioral habits, then directly with the manipulator. Manipulators seek to keep their intent hidden; once it is clearly revealed, their strategies lose power.

就像操纵的策略数不胜数一样，对抗的策略也可以多种多样。以下是一些想法：

• Sometimes it is enough for the confrontation to be just non-verbal – for the manipulator to see you are watching them carefully. You could also “theatrically” raise your eyebrows. This can work with more “shy” manipulators, but it probably won’t with more determined ones.
• The simplest and most direct question is: what do you hope to achieve? What are you trying to make me feel? You might add: I’d rather you tell me directly. Or just ask: What do you really want?
• 一个稍具挑衅性的方法是说：有趣的策略，你从哪里学到的？这通常对你有用吗？
• If you say “No” to the manipulator, they will often ask “But why?” in the hope to draw you into a debate in which you would feel the need to prove your reasoning, which they will never allow you. You can deflect by asking, “And why should I?” (Of course, there is some danger here that you will get involved in the argument. Don’t. Ignore if necessary.)
• If you see that the manipulator is using vague and distorted arguments, you can ask: Can you explain that to me, I didn’t quite understand the logic, how did you come to that conclusion? If they mumble an unconvincing answer, you can raise your eyebrows theatrically again. You can also add: Are you serious?
• If you feel pressured to say yes or no, if at all possible say: I need some time to think about this, I’ll get back to you later.

然而，有时对抗并不那么简单，你可能无法清楚地解释自己的观点。或者，操纵者会让你相信你的感受是不合理的。如果你觉得有必要让对方相信你是对的，并让他同意你的观点，这就会把你拉回游戏中，你就不太可能抵制操纵了。因为 manipulators already know your reasons quite well, they just don’t want to respect them.

Note that manipulators will not discuss “in good faith” and honestly. Their goal is to manipulate you, and for that purpose they will happily ignore facts, logic, objectivity and anything else. And if they are adept at selective argumentation, while you feel the need to avoid conflict and come to some sort of agreement, you may find yourself “played” without even noticing, and eventually give in despite the inner knowledge that something isn’t right.

That is why sometimes it is necessary to give up on harmony and conclusion. To successfully oppose a manipulator who uses selective arguments to refute your reasons, you must take a firm stand that you have the right to say No, without an explanation the other person would agree with. That you don’t have to prove anything. That you have the right to make a decision the other person doesn’t like. You don’t have to explain the logic of your emotions and needs, as long as you can clearly say that something is important to you, and that if it is ignored, the consequences will follow.

Manipulators will try to make you feel rude, selfish or stupid if you stand up for yourself. Most cultures teach children that if they notice something other people hide, then it must not be talked about and they will be punished if they speak out. Often such silence is well-intentioned. But when it comes to manipulation, one should learn to resist this type of childhood conditioning. The manipulator just takes advantage of your habit of respecting someone else’s intimacy. The manipulator does not deserve that kind of respect.

It is clear that this type of confrontation requires deeper and long term work on our emotional patterns – on knowing ourselves well, on respecting our own boundaries, on developing inner strength and learning to express ourselves clearly. It is also understandable that one can feel resistance to do such work. But the benefits of it are much greater than just being able to resist manipulation.

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