情感乱伦

While many people criticize their parents’ lack of love, some parents give their children seemingly too much love – 而不是成熟的父母之爱. Integrative Systemic Coaching recognizes the pattern of emotional incest and its consequences, which we also call the ‘Little Prince’ or ‘Daddy’s Princess’ syndrome.

E动机乱伦 不仅是不成熟的爱和不健康的放任。一个关键问题是 舐犊情深, expecting the child to fulfill the role and behavior of a partner. This usually happens if parents did not learn how to fulfill their needs for partnership and love through quality communication and respect – and this is common. E动机乱伦 如果孩子与分居或丧偶的异性父母生活在一起，这种情况尤其常见，但如果父母之间没有成熟的爱，这种情况在看似稳定的家庭中也很常见。

长期内部冲突是如何形成的

当父母通过孩子争吵，试图让他们站在一边时，可能会让他们非常困惑和害怕。孩子们不断试图找到一种方法来爱父母并取悦父母双方，在这个过程中往往会产生内心冲突。 

(了解更多有关复杂内部冲突的信息 这里.)

When this kind of family environment is followed by one of the parents turning to a child as a substitute partner – which often happens – the consequences are not only inner conflict, but deep identity loss and confusion about love and relationships.

不健康的依恋

情感乱伦的本质是，父母将孩子作为爱的源泉，并无意识地甚至有意识地期望孩子 fulfill the parent’s emotional needs.通常，这样的父母会与异性子女结合；父亲与最小的女儿结合，母亲与最大的儿子结合，但也可能有其他组合，包括与同性子女结合。与此同时，父母中的另一方往往会受到排斥和疏远，这可能会导致他们把自己的精力投入到其他孩子身上。有时，结合得不健康的父母和子女会把另一方父母当成自己的共同子女（尤其是如果这一方父母是不成熟的人或病人）。

Emotional support at the partnership level – sharing feelings and responsibilities, shared decision making, raising children together (in such a case, the bonded parent and child often take care of the remaining children and/or the other parent together), supporting each other and having someone to talk to – these things are suitable for an adult partnership, not for a parent-child relationship.

在这种情况下，儿童可能会觉得自己辜负了人们的期望，可能会变得 焦虑、完美主义、控制欲强，或长期感到不满足.另一方面，有些孩子可能会享受这种特殊的地位和权力，并且 优待 也可以从其他人那里获得。

A parent involved in emotional incest with a child will often try to keep the child close even as they grow up, typically through manipulation, guilt, or attempts to buy their love. They may also become particularly jealous of the adult child’s partner and may attempt to sabotage those relationships.

后果

除了同性子女之间的嫉妒和竞争之外，情感乱伦还会给孩子带来某些可以预见的后果。孩子觉得自己不得不放弃自己的身份和需求，以满足父母的需求。他们可能变得非常有责任感、有能力和聪明，但却没有稳定的情绪、健康的自尊或稳定的认同感；他们也可能走向另一个极端，逃避责任和承诺的关系，行为不成熟且以自我为中心。

情感乱伦给孩子带来的最常见后果 是（根据 Martyn Carruthers 的说法）：

– learning problems, asocial behavior, withdrawal, or excessive attachment to others
– lack of confidence, compassion and ability for intimacy
– lack of self-esteem and self-control

成年后情感乱伦可能造成的后果:

– lack of identity and integrity,

– might expect worship and parental behavior (service, indulgence, “unconditional love”) from partners,

– fear of losing control

– avoidance of partnership through withdrawal, intellectualism or promiscuity,

– may perceive any expectation, request or emotional reaction of the partner as threatening manipulation,

– guilt and incapacity for true happiness,

– may oscillate between the role of a child and a tyrant,

– the need to prove their own “specialness”, including through lies, bragging and obsessions,

– perfectionism; inability to accept criticism,

– may feel compulsive attraction to married people and “love triangles”.

What is “normal”?

The guilt of a child who was in such a way expected to “pay back” for being born and raised, in combination with the guilt of taking someone else’s position in the family, is usually too deep and too strong to be consciously explored. People brought up in this way may consider manipulation, lack of boundaries or egotism to be normal and justified, and may rarely set boundaries or search for independent happiness.

我们发现，母子之间的情感乱伦比父女之间或其他组合之间的情感乱伦更为常见。其中一个原因可能是，在过去，男性通常更远离家庭，在家庭之外寻求认可和赞许，而女性则与家庭紧密相连，局限于家庭，在家庭中寻求情感支持，因为很少有可能从丈夫那里获得情感支持。近来，随着男性更加注重家庭，父女关系变得更加普遍。

与我合作过的许多妇女都证实，她们经历过自己的伴侣从属于他的家庭，尤其是他的母亲。这些症状包括

1.  花太多时间与母亲在一起，并期望妻子或女友陪伴并同意这样做

2.  允许母亲过度、有时甚至粗鲁地参与伙伴关系的决策

3.  允许母亲批评或羞辱儿媳，甚至试图让孙辈反对她。

Conflicts between a mother-in-law and the son’s wife are traditional and almost legendary in many countries. This speaks to the prevalence of emotional incest between mothers and sons (though the problem may sometimes also be in the daughter-in-law, and not just in the husband-mother-in-law relationship).

Ask your partner to imagine how he would feel if he put his own life and family first. Ask your partner about her feelings of owing something to her parent and how she would feel if she stopped trying to make the parent happy and expressed her true feelings to him. Expect guilt, incredulity and justifications in favor of parents (e.g. “my mother/father did so much for me” … “it’s normal that people care for their families” and similar responses).

互补模式

此外，如果你是这样一个人的伴侣、 审视自己的情感模式; why did such a person romantically attract you? People with this syndrome are usually strongly romantically attracted to people of the opposite sex with the same pattern, and in marriage they alternate between the roles of a parent and a child to one another. Over time, they become irritated by their partner’s behavior (‘You are the same as my father!’), or they feel subtle guilt about leaving their parents, so they may withdraw emotionally and sabotage intimacy. This can lead to divorce, victim games … or focusing on a child as a partner substitute, which carries the pattern to the next generation.

如果你想改变这种状况，首先要做的就是为自己和自己的幸福负责。如果对方不想改变（我建议你们在得出这样的结论之前都去找专家咨询一下），你能做的就不多了，只能问问自己为什么要留在这种状况中。你必须相信什么才能接受它？为了激励自己，问问自己：如果情况保持不变，五年或十年后我的生活会是什么样子？如果你把这些时间投入到个人发展上，你的生活会是什么样子？

These questions open up deep insights not only about your relationships patterns and how much you believe you deserve to be happy and loved, but also about your financial independence. Women especially might feel limited in this area as they may face realistic limitations, such as taking care of children, employers’ reluctance to hire single mothers, or lack of education and work experience due to the time invested in motherhood.

然而，我们对自己和自己的能力，或者对金钱和整个生活的习惯性信念，却对我们造成了更大的限制。要解决财务问题，你可能需要深刻改变自己的身份意识、对现实的看法，并持续改变自己的行为。这不可能在几周或几个月内完成，所以请给自己一点时间，对自己要有耐心。

当父母成为孩子

另一种有毒模式是期待孩子给予父母的爱。父母可能会不自觉地希望，在与孩子的关系中，他们能体验到早年家庭中缺乏的爱。在成长过程中得不到足够支持的父母有时会觉得，孩子可能是唯一一个接受他们并爱他们的人，也是唯一一个能让他们真正亲近的人。

Consequently, a parent might feel an urge to earn, or even buy, approval and love from a child. An expectation that the child will take care of the parent’s feelings is even more present than in the previously discussed emotional incest. This is a common cause of children being “spoiled”. Such children may unconsciously feel that they are not truly loved for who they are, but for what is expected from them. They may try to compensate for this lack of love in the only way they learned – by demanding more and more from parents and later from other people.

许多人认为，放纵本身就会造成孩子被宠坏。纵容是问题的一部分，但不是唯一的问题。缺乏健康界限的父母无法将健康界限教给孩子。这意味着他们缺乏自尊和成熟的爱。

Some parents who seek a substitute parent in their child, don’t spoil the child, but they express their expectations in other ways, such as acting 嗷嗷待哺.这是一种更极端的寻找替代伴侣的行为，会给孩子带来类似但更严重的后果。这些孩子觉得他们必须面对的责任和挑战远远超出了他们的经验、能力和发展水平。泛化 焦虑 这是很常见的后果，其次是持续的 不足感和失去控制的恐惧.

This article is a part of the book “日常生活中的情感成熟“

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