在爱中受苦

坠入爱河的无意识基础

也许大家都知道，我们经常 喜欢让我们想起父母的人 或童年时的环境。或许这是一个全新的想法，难以接受？

你是否注意到，当你爱上一个人时，一段时间后，每一个以某种方式让你想起那个人的路人都会吸引你的注意力或唤起你的情感？我认为，在注意潜在的亲密伴侣时，也会发生同样的过程，只不过我们会不自觉地想起父母。我们的大脑会自发地寻找联想，我们会不自觉地寻找具有我们已经学会与爱联系在一起的特征的人。

渴望得到关注和认可的深切需求往往被误认为是爱. Those emotional needs are usually combined with biological instincts – attraction based on physical looks, hormones and behavior we perceive as feminine or masculine. What will be attractive to you depends also of your experience with your parents. When we meet a person who matches most of those unconscious criteria, a strong feeling of attraction is created. It’s much more pleasant to perceive those feelings as genuine love for a “special one”, than to observe them in a calm, fully conscious way.

Still, we are not slaves to our biology and upbringing. We can resist our impulses and childish emotions – but that ability requires a strong foundation of self-esteem and self-support. If you are not able to 自我情感支持你的情感需求可能会过于强烈，压得你喘不过气来。

爱还是幻觉？

When somebody shows interest in you, it’s also wise to make a calm assessment about how much of their interest is built on careful observation of your personality, and how much on childhood needs, biological aspects or simply the desire to seduce and be wanted. It’s not likely that feelings of romantic love and infatuation will ever be completely based on reality – but it is possible to start from a healthier place than people normally do.

恋爱时，我们很难对自己完全诚实。人们与伴侣之间的纽带往往是 盲目的强度和盲目的需求，就像他们对自己的父母一样 when they were babies and toddlers. This is most obvious when we have to decide whether to end a relationship which obviously does not fulfill our needs even though we still feel a romantic attraction. Whilst the relationship is stable, we usually believe that we are aware of our partners’ faults and that we respond to them in more or less mature manner. When a problem arises that could endanger the relationship, we can begin to search for ways to justify and minimize the significance of the problem, even if it means neglecting our boundaries. This is similar to children who have no clear boundaries and feel a need to justify their parents.

How do you tell if someone really loves you anyway? Just as when you try to evaluate someone’s honesty no matter what type of relationship you are in; don’t listen to their words, watch their behavior instead! “Words are cheap” and saying nice things is easy, especially when you know what the other person wants to hear. Many people, however, when they are in love, cling to beautiful words they hear and feed their hope with them. Focus on the person’s tonality, not the words they use. Listen carefully to the undertones in the voice and the way that person speaks.

更复杂的是，也许对方真的相信自己是真诚的。虐待或恐吓伴侣的人往往实际上 believe that it is love and that it’s normal 的行为方式。恋爱中的人都希望相信这一点，而往往只有当他们从这样一段关系中走出来，回过头来看这段关系时，他们才能理解伴侣行为的方方面面，而这些都是他们之前没有看到的。

Imagine looking at a person with whom you are in love, or a potential partner, as if you were watching a TV program with the sound turned off: you see only movements, facial expressions and individual actions. What would these actions say to you if another person were involved rather than you? Maybe you would recognize a lack of respect and concern or simply immaturity and fear of intimacy? Perhaps this is not something that would cause you to end the relationship – as there is 求全无益 in anyone – but your love might be blinding you to the fact that this hurts you and that the relationship could improve if both of you were aware of this and decided to work on it.

“As if my world fell apart!”

失恋（尤其是由对方主动提出或因外界环境而导致的失恋）会激起非常强烈、深沉的情绪，本质上就像孩子一样。悲伤是对失去亲人的正常反应，但人们的悲伤往往比通常认为的健康反应更深更重。在意识层面上，这种强烈的痛苦源于一种被抛弃的感觉，通常是个人层面上的拒绝。试着回忆一下你在分手后的感受，这并不是你想要的，也不是你所期望的（如果是你主动提出分手，通常是经过长时间的准备和决策后才分手，那么被抛弃的感觉就没有那么强烈），你很可能会回忆起你不希望重现的情绪。

造成这一问题的主要原因之一是 孩子们对一切事物的体验都很强烈 (所有的第一次经历都是最强烈的），有一种泛化和非黑即白的感知倾向，以及一种永恒的体验，在这种体验中，即使是幼年时期短暂的被遗弃也会被体验为将永远持续下去的事情。如果父母在情感上也不成熟（大多数父母在某种程度上都是如此），孩子就会更经常地直接或间接地感到被拒绝或被遗弃。在所有情况下，当我们感到被拒绝时，都会产生类似的感觉。 痛彻心扉 只有当我们结束一段异常重要的情感关系时，这种情感才会渗透到我们的意识中。

此外，我认为造成这种情况的原因之一是我们社会抚养孩子的方式。 In many ‘primitive’ societies children are reared by the entire community.孩子有许多爱、安全和支持的来源，不太可能感到在身体和情感上依赖于两个人，甚至只有一个人。在我们的社会中，儿童几乎完全依赖父母，只有在一定程度上依赖祖父母的帮助。因此，与父母分离会引发特别强烈的恐惧和被遗弃感。成年后，这可能会导致亲密关系中不健康的结合和依赖。

如果我们已经解决了表面上的被抛弃感，一种更温和、更微妙的痛苦往往会出现，那就是更深层次的与爱分离的感觉。这并不是与被某个特定的人抛弃有关的强烈痛苦，而是一种更微妙的感觉，即在这个世界上，我们所渴望的深沉而快乐的爱和亲近是遥不可及的。有时，我们可以追溯到出生后与母亲分离的感觉，甚至在产前更早的时候。

利用机会

In moments of crisis, people want to do whatever is necessary to resolve heavy emotions – but once the emotions subside and return to the subconscious, it’s easy to forget their intensity and delude ourselves into thinking that it was not so bad or that we managed to resolve them spontaneously. However, until we fully resolve such emotions, we will 继续创造和吸引能激发他们的环境.对有些人来说，这种情况一生中可能只会出现几次；而对其他人来说，这种情况可能会更频繁地出现。

“我们最大的问题包含着我们最大的祝福” (Martyn Carruthers) – and once we resolve emotional dependency that stems from childhood separation experiences, we can return to our natural state of happiness and love that is not dependent on anyone outside of us.

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