自尊与暴力

In the beginning, I will quote a text of an author I won’t name (because I’m about to criticize them a bit):

“People who love themselves, don’t try to hurt others” says Oprah Winfrey, the talk-show queen. She must have never heard of Hitler, Stalin, Mao Tse Tung… mass murderers with very high self-esteem and self-confidence. She probably hasn’t heard of children who bully their peers. Those wild kids surely lack many things, but not self-esteem.

“Violent people are violent because their self-esteem and self-confidence are unrealistically high. Many violent criminals describe themselves as powerful, special and elite people who deserve special treatment” says Ulla Lovenkrands, Danish psychologist who spent 20 years studying criminal psychology.”

“Street gang members have high opinions of themselves and demand respect from others. Bullies from school playgrounds consider themselves more special than others. Low self-esteem and self-confidence are found amongst victims of violence, not amongst violent people.”

This kind of attitude is typical for people who lack psychological education and the insight in their own emotional processes. It’s surprisingly superficial and hasty from an educated psychologist.

首先，在上述引文中，只承认了外部行为，只承认了暴力者能够向自己和他人承认的那些感受。 外在的自信等同于自尊，防御机制等同于真实、深刻的情感. Self-esteem is also indirectly equaled with lessened sensitivity to others’ needs.

如果你准备好真正审视自己的内心，超越表面，你就会发现，很多时候 有些感情会掩盖和隐藏其他感情. The feelings that make us feel safer and stronger seem to be protection from deeper and more unpleasant feelings. A simple and common example is that some people weren’t allowed to express anger as children, but they were allowed to cry. They started to feel uncomfortable with anger, maybe even scared of it, but sadness was safe enough, so it could be used instead of anger to express discomfort. Do you sometimes cry out of anger? It might be a sign of such a pattern.

暴力和傲慢是相反过程的结果，在这一过程中 愧疚、羞耻、轻蔑 for oneself and one’s feelings are 被愤怒和权力需求压抑和掩盖. Perhaps sadness, embarrassment, shame were too frightening, or the environment responded in humiliating ways to them. Such children learn to mask those feelings with false power and confidence, if they notice that it’s a way to avoid being hurt by others. Usually they have 成年人的行为模式.

Why do such people scorn gentle feelings and can’t express them? Because they feel them as frightening vulnerability and weakness. Is this self-love? How can such a scornful attitude to the most gentle parts of oneself be called self-esteem? 真正的自尊意味着最欣赏那些善良的情感.

一个肤浅的观察者可能会说，暴力和傲慢的人没有同情心和善良的情感。这就意味着，他们生来就没有同情心和善良的情感，或者出于自己的意愿而忽略了它们。我认为，这种人 从小压抑自己的温柔情感 但却始终无法发展起来。他们为什么要压抑这种情感呢？显然不是因为他们在表达这种情感时会感到舒适和安全，会被周围的人接受和尊重。

家庭内部的情感困惑

我开头引用的那段话的作者还提到，有些家长会教孩子觉得自己很特别，比别人强，因此给了他们不切实际的自尊。这就是 desire to be “better than others”, “special and elite” implies that we don’t feel good enough if we are equal to others, “one amongst many”. It means we can’t appreciate ourselves just for being here and being who we are. If we examine such families more closely, we’ll most commonly find an atmosphere in which encouragement is given verbally, but instead of true compassion, warmth and acceptance, children experience 虚伪、伪装和有条件的爱.这样做的父母通常并没有意识到这一点，他们只是在重复自己童年的经历。

我们在孩提时代所经历的一切，对我们来说已经习以为常。后来，如果这些孩子看到别人表达温柔善良的情感，他们就会 可能无法感受到相应的感情 and motivation to develop them. They might be afraid of such emotions, or guilty for not expressing them, but then the fear and guilt are suppressed and masked by defensive “strength”.

在一个口头上表达鼓励和殷切期望，但实际上缺乏温暖、同情和健康界限的家庭里，孩子们会感到困惑。他们从重要人物那里听到的与他们的本能和感受相矛盾。由于对自己的情绪缺乏足够的认识，出于信任父母的需要，这样的孩子通常会忘记自己的感受，把父母所说的当作事实。在潜意识中，他们仍然会感到缺乏健康的爱，但却无法有意识地去感受，也无法向自己解释。在 求爱他们会使用别人认可的行为，或任何能让他们 一时好感.这些替代品可能是权力、尊重或物质礼物。

什么是真正的力量？

The claim that violent children have too much self-esteem, is not logical if we consider the fact that such children normally attack the weakest and most frightened amongst other kids, and they usually attack as a group against an isolated child. They won’t attack children who appear strong and ready to fight back, because they play it safe, they won’t risk defeat, hurt and vulnerability.他们中的一些人后来会说，他们觉得自己的行为是错误的，但他们服从了，因为他们觉得 依赖群体其他成员的认可和支持。这就是自尊吗？

Hitler committed suicide because he wasn’t able to cope with defeat. It is typical for ruthless dictators that they are 不能容忍脆弱、自我怀疑或批评. Why not? Because they deeply love and accept themselves?… No, but because such feelings are too painful, they endanger their defense mechanisms and threaten to uncover intolerably painful fear and shame from their childhood.

如果你想让孩子喜欢自己 警告他们的缺点和不可接受的行为，但要充满爱心地 – so that they can feel that it’s allowed to make mistakes sometimes, and that they will still be loved. Don’t tell them they are better than others, expect huge achievements from them, while in the same time subtly or less subtly putting them (or other people) down for their weaknesses and vulnerability. Show that you respect them, but also yourself, that everybody has personal boundaries and the right to express them.

Some people give everything to children, while neglecting themselves. This is also confusing to a child. This only shows inconsistency, not real love – parents who don’t appreciate themselves and can’t set boundaries, can’t give true love and respect to their child. Then children turn to what they are able to get as substitute – usually material things and favors. The child might feel that this is not right, but doesn’t know how else to feel good. They develop 心理防御机制, protecting themselves from confusion by convincing themselves that they are “special” and “better than others”, so that they could continue to use parents and other people around them.

只有自我感觉良好，才能真正尊重他人、富有同情心 in the same time. Also, we won’t be able to understand and be compassionate to others if we don’t understand and accept our own emotions and mistakes. Some people show respect to others, but not to themselves. This is, however, not motivated by pleasant emotions, but by fear or guilt, which inevitably produces negative consequences: indirect or unconscious manipulation, passive aggression or self-destructive attitude, which shows in self-hatred or even physical disease.

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