你会批评别人吗？

批评可能有不同的原因，但其中一个经常被忽视的原因是 担心.

Is it difficult for you to set boundaries? Do you have trouble saying “No”, or do you avoid conflicts? 如果您怀疑自己的自卫能力你可能希望别人事先就知道你的底线在哪里，并尊重你的底线，而不需要你提醒他们。这种情况不太可能发生。

Even if people didn’t have toxic role models (and most do),  our genetic diversity includes 不同的情感敏感度或共鸣不同的人有不同的性格。对一个人来说是伤害，对另一个人来说可能是正常的。想一想对噪音的敏感度：对一个人来说可能令人分心和紧张的噪音，对另一个人来说可能是刺激性的，甚至几乎察觉不到。人与人之间对情绪的敏感度也同样不同。

Some people come from families in which raising voices, disagreeing and arguing was normal – most of the time perhaps even friendly. People from quieter families might be totally unprepared for such communication style.

It gets worse if one’s family was aggressive or manipulative – if a child was controlled through guilt, fear or shame. Anger is a natural, instinctive reaction to guilt, fear and shame. Such people, even as adults, might respond with anger as soon as their guilt, fear or shame threaten to raise their heads. Those emotions might not be realistic – it might just be an 对微小触发的自动反应.

People whose boundaries weren’t respected when they were children will probably have learned to suppress their anger and avoid expressing themselves. 恐惧和愤怒交织在一起可能会导致批评。 你可能会在私下里说别人不负责任、粗鲁、自私或愚蠢。你还可能诉诸 被动攻击.也许这对你来说太平常了，以至于你几乎没有注意到自己在做什么。即使你注意到了，也会觉得别无选择。

People cannot read your mind. We are already dealing with so many other influences every single minute of our lives. It’s so easy to be distracted if nothing else. 发生误解的原因多种多样 – and if not clarified, can lead to complex, unnecessary consequences.

此外，大多数人似乎都有一种本能，觉得能得到什么就会得到什么。如果有人很柔弱、容易被操纵、缺乏安全感或过于慷慨，很少有人有自知之明和自律能力去注意到他们何时开始利用这种情况，并阻止自己这样做。如果有人比你更缺乏安全感，你是否会感到一种 支配欲?有些人的这种本能比较弱，有些人则比较强。

Criticism won’t help. The first step (a sequence of steps, more likely) is to 处理童年时期的抑制性情绪，学会自我赋权. The second step is to learn new habits – clarity, standing up for yourself, communication skills. This might include choosing new role-models.

尝试新方法的最初几次可能会让你感到害怕。你需要为可能发生的任何事情做好充分准备，并愿意支持和安慰自己。但是，你会挺过来的； 知错能改，善莫大焉, and each time you will feel stronger and more comfortable, until you feel confident in your ability to cope with people. Perhaps then you will notice that criticism doesn’t feel so necessary anymore, that it doesn’t come so automatically.

你越是愿意并能够保护自己的界限，你就越能在人际交往中感到放松 and even tolerate some of their less pleasant traits. Still, it’s normal to feel some level of discomfort if somebody is behaving in unhealthy or threatening ways. Emotional discomfort is a normal and healthy warning signal. There is a huge 差异但是，在成人和孩子的情绪不适之间。如果你的情绪是成人化的，你就会有动力而不是衰弱。

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