内部问题和外部解决方案

即使我们清楚地意识到，我们的强烈情绪可能是童年记忆的唤醒，我们仍然会发现它非常 难以向内集中 来化解这些情绪。责怪周围的人，试图改变或控制他们的冲动可能会压倒一切。为什么我们花了那么多精力，却徒劳无功，因为试图改变他人而给自己和他人造成压力，甚至难以认清真相？即使我们知道造成我们情绪的真正原因可能是我们的过去？

As babies and toddlers, it’s our biological instinct to 求助于他人.饿了吗？妈妈给你喂奶。尿湿了？他们会给你换尿布。无聊了？用力尖叫，他们就会尽力逗你开心。累了？他们会想尽一切办法避免吵醒你，让你享受当之无愧的宁静。即使是父母有毒的孩子，也会不可避免地认识到，无论在此期间经历了多少痛苦和挣扎，至少他们的基本需求会得到他人的满足。因此，生物本能得到了强化，而 养成情感习惯.

当我们的年龄倒退到儿童情绪时，这种本能也会随之被唤醒。年龄倒退包括忘记或暂时失去与成人资源的联系。在这种状态下，还有什么比 求助于童年经历的解决方案?因此，我们可能会再次感到，我们的情感幸福甚至生存都取决于我们周围的人。这基本上意味着我们 把周围的人和父母混为一谈.

This is visible in many parts of adults’ lives. People try to solve their emotional problems through all kinds of external means. For some people, money can be a weird substitute for parents, as it provides safety, comfort and toys (often other people’s attention, too). Others might turn to religion (heavenly father), magic or New Age bioenergy theories. Food can be a temporary emotional comfort, reminding us of the pleasure of being fed on our mothers’ breasts.

亲密关系 are where this instinct to seek external solutions is most obvious. They are often created as substitutes for parent-child relationships from the start, and when problems arise and we regress into childish states, it can be extremely difficult to take responsibility for our feelings. The old instincts from childhood awaken again and we can start expecting our partners to provide solutions – which usually means 期待他们改变.

It never rains but pours – and usually in an intimate relationship, both people experience childish states from time to time. This means that both start demanding the other to change. The problem is, even if our partner tries to change, 童心未泯的我们总是想要更多 – just like, as children, we always needed more from our parents.

在这种状态下度过的时间长了，人际关系就会恶化，怨恨也会开始累积。如果缺乏良好的沟通技巧，危机几乎不可避免。如果年龄倒退的状态很强烈，就需要有超常的自知之明和责任感，才能避免责怪伴侣，把自己拉回到成年人的心态。

I hope this can help you understand an aspect of relationship behavior which very few people are aware of. Simple understanding won’t bring automatic change – but it might help you deal with your childish issues in the moments when this is most important.

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