“I Don’t Know What Do I Want!”

Our desires and goals motivate us towards self-fulfillment and increase our enjoyment of life. But not just that – recognizing goals and working on them are important in coaching and psychotherapy. Since emotional conditioning and limitations are primarily reflected through 无意识的自我挫败如果一个人觉得自己没有能力实现重要的目标，那么努力实现自己的愿望和目标往往是最快的方法，它能让我们认识到最能破坏我们的感觉和信念。尤其是通过 关注生活目标 比如高质量的亲密伴侣关系、自尊、充实的工作，我们可以 认识情感障碍 对我们的生活影响最大的问题。解决这些问题不仅能为我们的理想生活带来诸多益处，还能为生活中的许多其他领域带来益处。

Yet sometimes clients just don’t know what they want! Sometimes they might recognize this as a critical issue that requires coaching. 缺乏目标 doesn’t just cause routine, stagnant lives, it also indicates deep emotional blocks. It’s very unlikely that such people can be truly and deeply content with their lives, and they feel it too. Even if we were able to be completely satisfied with our lives and our emotional patterns, I believe that we can still grow and develop emotionally.

缺乏目标有多种表现形式：

1.客户实际上是有愿望的，但他们 don’t dare to acknowledge them或者他们 don’t believe them attainable.

2.客户处于 内心冲突 几种选择。

3.真正的无能 感受或认识到个人的愿望和目标。

前两种情况通常不难识别。第一种情况需要在 限制性信念  and emotions, perhaps including guilt or shame for having desires. (Under condition that the goals are healthy and don’t include or imply hurting other people.) Perhaps such a client was raised to take too much responsibility for other people and to put themselves last. Some people feel incapable or unworthy, and sometimes they believe that it is not possible to fulfill a certain desire. Sometimes this is true – we certainly cannot teach fleas to sing, for example. Still, even a seemingly unreachable goal can give us something to aspire to, something to dream of and motivate us (even if you only end up with fleas who start screaming at the sight of you).

第二种情况，即内心冲突，也可能是由限制性信念造成的，这些信念阻止人们做出任何理想的选择。但如果愿望似乎 矛盾和不相容, it’s highly likely that this is caused by a deep identity conflict. In short, this is a conflict amongst false personalities created on the foundation of toxic beliefs. Such a pattern is often the 父母冲突的结果 when the client was a child – especially if the parents tried to make the child choose a side. Such a situation creates limiting beliefs and false, compensatory personality parts in the child, which make it seem impossible to achieve two different desires, even if, realistically, they are not mutually exclusive (love and freedom, for example). For more information, read the articles 复杂的冲突 和 意识的量子飞跃

身份损失

The last possibility, true inability to express a goal, is not so common. Starting with a presumption that for a normal person it’s almost impossible not to have some wishes at least – wishes show us what is interesting and fulfilling to us, what takes us to the next step in our personal growth – I’d say that the most important cause of this issue is 拒绝和压抑真正的人格取而代之的是有毒的信念和习惯。前两种情况也是如此，但通常不会达到这种程度。

也许这类人经历的创伤次数较少，但足以让他们几乎完全 自暴自弃; or a longer period of milder, but consistent neglect and suppressing of the children’s personality, usually accompanied by “brain washing” and 阻止儿童选择自己的人生方向. Such people can spend all of their lives robotically following their parents’ beliefs or unfulfilled desires, without ever really considering what they truly want.

The solution of this issue requires resolving limiting beliefs and rediscovering and reintegrating the suppressed parts of personality. But this is not all. You will need to spend some time gently, but consistently exploring – 重新发现自己: your preferences, desires, interests towards particular topics or activities… very likely you will need to invest time in developing new habits and skills that you didn’t have a chance to learn before. But later is better than never.

Don’t expect yourself to know at once what will you want to do with the rest of your life. It’s enough to learn to 日复一日，遵循内心的指引, from smaller desires towards life goals. While learning to live in this way, you develop an awareness that one day, perhaps when you least expect it, might reveal a true purpose of your life. Perhaps, by following your smaller wishes, you will spend some time collecting knowledge and developing skills that will help you later in life to create your life work – the skills that perhaps you wouldn’t have patience to practice, if you knew in advance what your life mission would be.

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