My partner doesn?t want to change. Is it a red flag?

Запитання: My partner doesn’t want to change the things that bother me in their behavior. Is it a red flag? Does it mean I should end the relationship?

Відповідай.: It depends on what you want them to change. If you?d like them to change something small and superficial that frustrates you more than it?s important to them (for example, being late, making unpleasant noises, or some communication problems), then their refusal indicates they are likely to avoid any kind of compromise. They might perceive healthy and necessary cooperation and compromise as control. In that case, their emotional maturity is at the level of a teenager, and it?s probably best to let them go.

If you want somebody to change something that is important to them, or a part of their personality, simply because you think love means things have to be your way, that shows immaturity on your side. For example, if you want them to either like or dislike sports (or cats or dogs), or change how they dress, look, or their hobbies ? it?s not likely a request you would like if it was directed at you, is it?

And sometimes you are simply not compatible in important ways, regardless of love, and even trying to find a compromise might be too frustrating for both sides. In this case, it?s best not to try to live together. You might decide to let go, or you can decide to stay in a relationship but not live together, if that is something that can work for both of you. Examples might be your habits regarding tidiness, noise, or spending money, if they are too different. Addictions and mental health problems might be stronger than love, too.

Besides what the request is about, it?s also important how both of you communicate about it. Is the communication considerate, validating, and respectful on both sides, or isn?t it? It will probably stay the same in the future. You also need to consider your own communication style. Do you understand and acknowledge their point of view, or not? Sometimes it?s not the request, but how it?s communicated, that can make somebody refuse because they feel their boundaries haven?t been respected. If in doubt, ask your partner what they think about your communication habits.

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