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Кохання триває 3 роки?

від | 9.Бер. 2010 | Любов та інтимність, Нові статті

Як руйнуються стосунки

I’ve once read an article in a paper magazine which half-jokingly stated that “every love relationship lasts 3 years”. The idea was that intimacy, passion and infatuation in an average relationship last about 3 years, after which they either dissipate into boredom and routine, or turn into resentment and criticism.

Even if no expert can seriously support such an idea, it didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s based on the fact that few couples manage to deeply love and respect each other for many years. The theory about “the shelf-life of love” is an expression of a rather cynical resignation of many people whose hopes and dreams of happiness were shattered, perhaps repeatedly.

Maybe you are convinced it can’t happen to you… or maybe you remember being convinced it couldn’t happen to you? It only takes a bit of laziness, ignorance and thoughtlessness to spoil your most important adult relationship.

A rational explanation of this half-serious “theory” could be summarized in this way: by the third year of an average relationship, positive projections and transference* have faded away, negative projections and transference have developed, motivation has given in to laziness, communication has become careless and inconsiderate, the partners have started to сприймати один одного як належнеа ворс під килимом дозрів і почав розмножуватися.

It’s so easy to thoughtlessly lash out at the partner when for whatever reason we feel irritable, to blame them for our immature anger, to strive to control them out of various fears, and show less and less love and respect because “it’s understood”.

Розвиток довіри

Любов і пристрасть можна підтримувати роками, будуючи довіру і повагу. Кожна істерика, кожен необдуманий коментар, кожен прояв безвідповідальності та легковажності підривають довіру та повагу. Коли їх немає, якийсь нездоровий зв'язок (заснований на перенесенні) ще може існувати деякий час, але здорова любов - ні.

Some relationships fall apart because people carelessly apply the idea that it’s healthy to argue and express oneself. This is basically true – but many people practice that idea without much responsibility and self-awareness. Thus what might have been a healthy discussion can easily become a power struggle full of criticism and blaming. Arguing and expressing yourself is healthy – providing you do it responsibly and thoughtfully. 

Деякі люди можуть ототожнювати пристрасть з емоційним напруженням і драматизмом. They might half-consciously provoke fights and insecurity to increase “passion”. They probably learned to associate emotional drama with love as young children, in their early families. If such people don’t put effort into resolving that pattern, they might find it very difficult to even be attracted to a healthy and responsible person. Thus achieving a quality relationship might be nearly impossible.

Доросла любов

Infatuation doesn’t last forever, no matter how much we might hope so. But if you maintain trust and respect, infatuation will be replaced by a more stable and calm form of love. Healthy love usually does not bring so much intensity, ups and downs, butterflies in the stomach even at the very beginning, compared to infatuation based on childish transference. You might ask, does it mean that healthy love means less passion? You might perceive it that way if you confuse tension and drama with passion.

Healthy love does not include so much obsessiveness, idealizing, anxiety, relief and rapture at every sign of attention by a loved one, but that’s more than made up for by passion which is calmer, but deeper; by близькість, яка походить від взаємного визнання та довіриа не самообманом і проекціями, а також підтримкою добрих стосунків із самим собою.

Здорова пристрасть може зростати і поглиблюватися з часом, оскільки партнери все більше шансів зрозуміти і оцінити один одного. Acknowledging our mistakes responsibly, calm and supportive reactions when the partner is emotionally overwhelmed, expressions of affection and attention … enable intimacy and respect to grow rather than decrease. Every time you express your opinion, disagreement or an objection thoughtfully and without criticism, every time you show you pay attention and think about what your partner says… you add another brick into the house of lasting love.

Мудрий вибір

You shouldn’t take all the responsibility upon yourself, however. For your expressions of respect, understanding, and support to improve your relationship, your partner also needs to recognize them, appreciate them, and be motivated to reciprocate. Not all people are willing or able to do so. Here are some ключові риси особистості, на які слід звернути увагу при виборі партнера (або при виборі, чи залишатися у стосунках):

  • емоційне усвідомлення. People who are used to ignoring their own feelings won’t be able to distinguish which of them are healthy, and which are not, so they are likely to follow immature urges when those become strong enough.
  • відповідальність. Чи готовий ваш партнер визнати свої помилки, подолати нездорові потяги, розпізнати патерни, які потрібно змінити, і працювати над їх зміною?
  • вдумливе спілкування. Does your partner take care to choose appropriate words? Do they work on improving their communication, or do they believe it’s their god-given right to blurt out whatever they feel like, and if that feels hurtful, it’s your problem?
  • емпатія. Відсутність співчуття закономірно призводить до бездумності, егоїзму та безвідповідальності.

Якщо ви і ваш партнер володієте цими якостями, смію стверджувати, що майже всі інші розбіжності і непорозуміння можна вирішити. Але якщо хоча б однієї з цих якостей бракує, шанси на довготривалі щасливі стосунки невеликі. Ключове питання полягає в наступному, наскільки сильні ці якості в людині? Ми не можемо виміряти їх у жодній з відомих нам шкал, а на початку може бути важко навіть оцінити їх.

Я пропоную вам покладатися на свій інстинкт (а не на надії) при пошуку можливої відсутності цих якостей не тільки в поведінці, але і в рисах обличчя, словах і жестах вашого обранця. Будьте готові до того, що it might take quite a while to figure out someone’s faults, especially if you don’t yet live together.  Try not to fully commit to a relationship until you’ve spent at least one year living together – that is often (but not always) enough for masks to fall. Of course, by that time your partner might decide you lack some of those qualities, so it pays off to practice self-awareness.

* прогнози можна визначити як сприйняття наш власний почуття, наміри та риси, реальні чи уявні, як такі, що належать до когось іншого..

Перенесення означає несвідомо сприймати когось, хто знаходиться перед вами, так, ніби він когось іншого. – usually somebody important from your past – and react with similar feelings and behaviors as if that other person were there.

 

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Косьєнка Мук

Косьєнка Мук

I’m an Integrative Systemic Coaching trainer and special education teacher. I taught workshops and gave lectures in 10 countries, and helped hundreds of people in 20+ countries on 5 continents (on- and offline) find solutions for their emotional patterns. I wrote the book “Emotional Maturity In Everyday Life” and a related series of workbooks.

Some people ask me if I do bodywork such as massage too – sadly, the only type of massage I can do is rubbing salt into wounds.

Just kidding. I’m actually very gentle. Most of the time.

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