Как преодолеть социальное отторжение и неловкость

Инстинкт принадлежности

У человека есть инстинктивная потребность быть принятым другими и чувствовать себя связанным с ними. Мы не приспособлены выживать в одиночку, и совместная работа в племенах была Необходим для нашего выживания as a species. Through most of human history, and occasionally still in the present times, being different or not fitting in didn’t only mean social rejection – it meant your tribe could straight up turn against you and murder you, such as in “witch hunts” or “honor killings”. Even pack animals are known to show hostility to pack members who look different, like albino cubs. Often, it’s not only people who stick out in “negative” ways who are rejected – many high quality people end up rejected simply because they are different than average.

Поэтому у нас, людей, развилась глубокая инстинкт страха отвержения, which makes us judge ourselves by others’ feedback – to question ourselves and form conclusions about ourselves based on what people around us tell us or how they treat us. This instinct is the strongest in a child, but adult people feel it too.

Однако, как и любая другая личная черта и инстинкт, такие как эмпатия, интеллект, потребность во власти и т. д., инстинкт принадлежности и принятия является не одинаково силен у всех. Some people don’t seem to have much of it. Even as children, they don’t suffer as much as most when they feel rejected, and as adults they don’t care much about fitting in. Interestingly, this is often exactly причина, по которой многие люди восхищаются ими и хотят быть рядом с ними.

Мы чувствуем, насколько ограничивающим и обременительным может быть стремление соответствовать, если правила и ожидания племени жесткие, и мы втайне мечтаем о большей свободе. Thus, paradoxically, it’s often the people with the strongest need to fit in who end up rejected, dismissed, or even bullied, because their fear of others’ opinions makes them shy, awkward and tense, which others don’t appreciate. Human mind and human nature are full of paradoxes.

Влияние семьи

Как мы будем бороться с социальной изоляцией, став взрослыми, прежде всего зависит от нашего детского опыта (besides the innate strength of our instinct to belong). As I wrote in the article “Детям нужны трудности“, children who feel supported by their parents can much more easily cope with problems in the outer world, because parents are much more important to young children than the outer world.

Но если мы чувствовали себя отвергнутыми родителями или просто не были достаточно интересными для своих родителей, то каждое отвержение, которое мы испытываем вне семьи, подтверждает наше существующее плохое мнение о себе и укоряет нас еще больше. Более того, мы, скорее всего, не заметим или быстро dismiss any feedback that doesn’t match the feedback we got from our parents – even when the external feedback is positive. This pattern can easily persist into adulthood.

Ситуация еще хуже, если наши родители сами чувствовали себя социально неполноценными и боялись, что скажут соседи. То, чего боятся родители, ребенок боится еще большеОсобенно если страх заставляет родителей наказывать ребенка. Таким образом, некоторые из наших социальных страхов и чувств неадекватности могут быть Пересечение поколений – not only coming from our own childhood, but from our parents’ childhoods (and further).

Чувство неполноценности в детстве может подтолкнуть нас к перевыполняют свои обязательства перед взрослымиПодражаем ли мы тому, как компенсируют себя наши родители и общество в целом, или находим свои собственные способы. Некоторые люди компенсируют себя, покупая символы статуса, проводить время в кругу популярных и влиятельных людей (включая влюбленность с такими людьми) и следовать популярным тенденциям. Некоторые люди компенсируют себя тем, что борются за достижение все больше и больше, чтобы выделиться, получить статус, награды и признание. Некоторые выбирают путь давая, чтобы они получилиИ, возможно, в конечном итоге они становятся жертвами и мучениками. Некоторые сдаются and become social recluses, trying to convince themselves that being accepted by others doesn’t matter to them.

Как оставаться взрослым

Как и многие другие события нашей взрослой повседневной жизни. бессознательно вызывают детские воспоминания и детские чувства, так же как и переживание того, что нас не принимают и не включают в общество. Когда в памяти всплывают детские воспоминания, мы, скорее всего, начнем воспринимать вещи по-детски – exaggerated, generalized, self-centered, black and white. We may ignore rational explanations and focus on our childhood feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and self-blame.

It’s very important to сначала признайте, что вы реагируете на прошлое more than the present. You may mentally say to yourself: “These are emotions from the past” (or, sometimes, “This is my biology acting up”). Observe the feelings and ideas that come up and check what age they seem to belong to. When you are able to separate the past from the present, you might already feel much calmer and more objective.

Уделите время успокойтесь и успокойте своего внутреннего ребенка. Remind it that whatever happened in childhood wasn’t (all) your mistake. As soon as you have more time, use it to work on healing the relationship with parents. Try to достичь ощущения поддержки со стороны родителей. Если ваши родители были действительно токсичными, вы можете даже создать воображаемых здоровых родителей, которые будут поддерживать вас в вашем воображении. В нашей работе мы используем целый ряд адаптируемых методов исцеления семейных влияний.

Подготовьтесь заранее for potentially unpleasant social situations. If you are going to a gathering where you expect you might feel awkward, accept the possibility that people might not react to you the way you’d like. Imagine yourself comforting your inner child and reminding yourself of your qualities. Imagine yourself staying calm and adult and accepting of yourself. The more you can prepare up front to deal with such situations, the less they will surprise you and make you lose resources – and then if nothing else you won’t look and feel so awkward. A loner who accepts themselves is more relaxing to be around than a loner who is tense and uncomfortable.

Практические советы

Next, recognize that just like most people don’t have time and energy to be particularly interested in you, you also don’t have time and energy to be particularly interested in most other people. It doesn’t mean you dislike them and deem them unworthy, and the other way around. By adult age, most people have formed their “tribes” and are too busy with them to seek further. Once a tribe is formed, people find it more difficult (but not impossible) to accept new people into it. That doesn’t say anything much about yours or their personalities, it’s simply a fact of human life. Remind yourself of people who do like you and think well of you.

Чтобы найти свое племя, вам нужно поиск людей, похожих на вас rather than trying to be accepted by most people. If you have an artistic mind, you are not likely to find much understanding among IT experts, and if you are an intellectual, you are not likely to fit in among sportspeople. Accept that you can’t be good in everything and fit in everywhere. Search for a smaller number of quality relationships, rather than being accepted by whole groups. Remind yourself that not having qualities one group of people demands, probably means у вас есть и другие качества может понравиться другой группе.

Подобным образом, ваши личные качества, которые некоторые люди могут отвергать, могут означать, что у вас есть Дополнительные преимущества в некоторых других отношениях and other circumstances. There is a lot of duality in our human lives, and many traits that are advantageous in some ways turn out to be problematic in other ways, and the other way around. A shy and sensitive person might not be very stimulating in a big group, but can be very empathetic and a good friend in private, or very creative, or very insightful. A serious person might seem intimidating to many, but people are usually serious if they think a lot, or are responsible, and they are often responsible and think a lot because they care – and/or they have busy minds and rich inner worlds.

So, focus on your strengths and build upon them, rather than dwelling on your weaknesses. Perhaps you have strengths – warmth, gentleness, intelligence… – your early environment taught you to hide rather than express. Consider how you can let them show again. Keep in mind that most people will be impressed by your character and communication skills rather than technical expertise.

Of course, you might be rejected because you are objectively unpleasant – aggressive, arrogant or (borderline) narcissistic. Such people are not likely to come to my website anyway. But in case you are, consider where such behavior might be coming from. In my experience, most aggression, arrogance and narcissism compensates for deep unconscious sense of inadequacy or even self-hatred, which you need to heal. The more you learn to like and accept yourself in a healthy way, the more you can be aware of others, appreciative and considerate to others.

Постарайтесь take a look at yourself through other people’s eyes. You might find that they were simply too preoccupied with themselves to pay attention to you – or you might feel there was something about you they disliked – perhaps you miss on social cues, or overcompensate in too obvious ways, or they confuse your shyness with arrogance or your seriousness with covert criticism (both quite common!), or they feel tense around a person who feels awkward.

Если вы обнаружили нечто подобное, избегайте винить и критиковать себя (возможно, это отголосок родительской критики, над исцелением которой вы тоже можете поработать). Помните, как я уже говорил в Как преодолеть страх совершить ошибку, что Ошибки - лучший способ учиться. Consider what parts of your behavior you want to change and why, and what you don’t want to change and why. Keep in mind that some changes might be good for you, but too much conformism might make you lose some important qualities. Then explore how you can start changing the parts of your behavior you want to change. Take small steps, don’t fear mistakes but use them to learn more – and don’t overcompensate.

Учитесь у людей, которые вас вдохновляют или с которыми вам приятно общаться. How do they communicate with others? What non-verbal signals do they send? What do they do that makes you feel good? Perhaps you cannot become quite like them without changing yourself too much – but some small changes might go a long way.

Наконец-то, проявлять инициативу. Learn how to use small talk and how to approach people – it’s easier than you might think! Present yourself as approachable, verbally and non-verbally. Seek people who look interested and open to communication, but don’t just wait for them to approach you. Be kind and проявлять интерес – people are the most attracted to people who show clear interest in them. Yet keep your sense of balance, use your intuition and don’t pretend you are someone you are not, or agree with things you don’t agree. In short, be your best self but be genuine. Show your passion, talk about things that are important to you, but don’t expect everybody to agree or show interest.

Seek new activities which are at least somewhat interesting to you, and which make it possible to interact with people directly rather than being a passive audience to something. Mountaineering, dancing, art classes, scientific gatherings, self-improvement workshops, volunteering, literary evenings… use your creativity. The website Meetup перечисляет множество встреч в больших городах, отсортированных по категориям. Возможно, вы даже захотите организовать что-то самостоятельно.

Just like with looking for a job or a partner, you need to put yourself out there and check out many people to find out who suits you the most. Every experience is worth something. Even if you don’t feel at ease with most people, a small number of new friends is worth the search. Once you make a few friends, you might introduce them to each other – and then you might have your own little tribe.

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