This will be an elephant-sized post, but bear with me – I hope to give you plenty of useful ideas to keep your New Year resolutions by the end of it.
At the start of every year, millions if not billions of people make lists of things they want to change so that their lives would be better, and promise themselves they will stick to those changes. Within a week, most of those people have broken their promise. Before the month is out, almost everybody does. If you have managed to keep your resolution till the end of the year, congratulations – and why are you even reading this? Maybe let people know how you did it!
Два основных типа резолюций:
1) выработка новых привычек (физические упражнения, релаксация, медитация, навыки общения, любые желаемые и продуктивные действия)
2) избавление от старых привычек (разрушительных или нездоровых, таких как курение, переедание, алкоголь или любая другая зависимость; любая деятельность, которой мы уделяем слишком много времени; нездоровые привычки общения и тому подобное)
Many people would say that it’s only the matter of persistence and strength of will to stick to those decisions. I think the situation is much more complex than that! Do you know people who criticize others for not being able to lose weight, for example, but in the same time they are not able to stop smoking, playing video games, watching TV or internet porn, feeding their cat or just about anything else? Some people are even addicted to communicating to other people. Everybody has at least some sort of unwanted habit that is difficult to reduce or give up. So let’s explore some factors that might feed your unhealthy habits:
1) Сложные эмоции. A huge number of people resort to their old addictions in times of emotional stress. Addictions are commonly used to distract us from emotions: fear, guilt, sadness, anger, shame, feeling inadequate… Many of those emotions – as well as the addictions that help suppressing them – are created in childhood or adolescence. When we work with addictions, we first focus on finding and resolving those emotions, and finding ways to replace them with more comforting ones. This often greatly reduces chronic stress.
2) Иногда зависимость используется для того, чтобы искусственно создавать или усиливать приятные эмоции. Heroin addicts might say that they feel deeply loved when they are under influence of heroin. Alcohol addicts might crave cheerfulness and social openness that alcohol evokes in them. In that case, it’s useful to explore what can you do to encourage desired emotional states in healthier ways – and if there are any emotional obstacles to that.
3) Биологические инстинкты. Гнев, лень и переедание - вот примеры (отчасти) биологически мотивированного поведения. Наши тела застряли в каменном веке и хотят, чтобы мы боролись за власть, ели хотя бы немного больше, чем нам нужно, и берегли энергию при любой возможности (иногда за счет других). Индивидуальные генетические различия могут сделать некоторые из этих желаний у одних людей сильнее, чем у других.
4) Метаболические различия. People react differently to each addictive substance. Some people will just shrug alcohol or certain drugs off, while others’ brains react with instant intense craving. Some people can eat a few spoonfuls of a desert and leave the rest on the plate, while others’ palates sense sugar and immediately ring bells for food frenzy. It’s not just about willpower – our metabolic responses are different from person to person.
5) Неврологические различия. Perhaps you are more sensitive to stress, for example, or your brain is more easily distracted, or you are an extroverted person who wants to learn an introverted habit?… Biological diversity is huge, and Mother Nature is known to be experiment-prone. Some results of such genetic experiments can be quite subtle, but enough to encourage an unwanted habit.
6) Социальное давление. Perhaps smoking or coffee are your way to initiate communication with other people? Or will your circle of friends mock you if you want to live a healthier lifestyle? Perhaps you are a part of a group that shares an unhealthy habit? In such cases, giving up a habit might mean losing important connections with people. Young men are in bigger danger in this context, because neglecting one’s own body is often considered “masculine” in some inarticulate circles.
7) Привязанность к другим людям. Similar to previous entry, but less conscious, subtler and more instinctive. Such bonds are usually created in our early families. Did your parents smoke? For you, it might become an unconscious way to either feel closer to them, or to tap into their perceived power, or to imitate their ways of coping with stress. In the mind of a small child, the parents’ way is the right way. A part of you might still be unconsciously afraid to let go of such a bond.
8) Неврологические пути, созданные повторением. Any behavior we repeat – even patterns of thinking and feeling, let alone physical behavior – encourages the brain to strengthen the connections between the neurological circles responsible. If we repeat certain behaviors for years, such neurological paths are so strong that we fall into such behavior without thinking, almost like robots. This can only be changed by persistently defying such urges and practicing new habits.
9) Крупные отрасли промышленности. For decades now, food industry is dedicated to creating foods that will trigger addictions and addictive behavior. This includes many products labeled as healthy and natural. It’s often difficult to avoid all of those products – and any of those can send you spiraling back into addiction. Same goes for alcohol and tobacco manufacturers – and many other industries are doing their best to induce automated responses and exploit your physiological and psychological mechanisms.
10) Сопротивление изменениям. Some people fear change – for example, fear attention, or success, or envy of other people. Others are just so used to a certain image of themselves, that they might unconsciously strive to preserve it. One way to prepare for a change might be to imagine it often enough.
Поэтому, когда вы пытаетесь изменить привычку, вы, вероятно, боретесь со всеми этими факторами, а также с теми, которые я, возможно, не упомянул. Одних решений и силы воли недостаточно! Вы должны быть хорошо подготовлены. Во-первых, изучите эмоциональный фон и сделайте все возможное, чтобы его излечить. Затем выберите из приведенного ниже списка те советы, которые вам больше всего подходят.
I’ve divided the suggestions into 3 groups: general advice; ideas how to resist unhealthy urges; ideas how to motivate yourself to stick to a new habit. You might find that one day you respond well to one of them, while other days some other of these ideas might be more motivating. I suggest to create a little reminder for yourself with the ideas you like most. Читайте его часто, perhaps print it and keep it in your pocket, as unhealthy urges can be intense and distracting and you might find yourself forgetting these ideas in spite of your best intentions, if you don’t have a written reminder handy.
Let’s dive in!
A) Общие предложения:
1. Сделайте цель разумной в долгосрочной перспективе. Don’t expect yourself to run 5 km the first day, or to lose 1 kg a week (or even half a kg a week), or to stop using social networks altogether. Consider what would be your “maintenance” habits; what can you imagine doing for the rest of your life? Create an exercise or diet plan that you can stick to for years without too much stress; plan to use social media or play video games for about an hour in the evening, instead of starting in the morning and continuing during the day.
2. Перечислите все способы, большие или маленькие, которыми достижение вашей цели сделает вашу жизнь лучше. Перечислите физические, социальные, эмоциональные, финансовые и любые другие преимущества, о которых вы можете подумать. Как можно чаще проводите время, представляя себе каждую из этих выгод.
3. Перечислите все нежелательные последствия недостижения цели, как указано выше. Проведите некоторое время, размышляя над ними.
4. Готовьтесь к искушениям и кризисным моментам. Do you expect to be stressed at a certain day? Sometimes just mentally preparing ourselves for predictable stress can prevent feeling overwhelmed and falling back to old stress-reducing habits. Sometimes we fall back to old habits just because we don’t have a ready idea what else to do. Make a list of what can you do to relax if a day is particularly stressful, especially if unexpected stress happens. Maybe you can call a friend and complain your heart out (first make sure that the friend wants to listen!) Maybe you can put on some music that makes you feel good and perhaps dance to it. Maybe you can plan to make a soothing tea (I recently discovered I like tea with a little milk much better than plain tea) or fruit juice (freshly squeezed, not those chemical cocktails they sell as fruit juice in supermarkets) instead of cookies or cigarettes.
5. Заметьте, когда ваш мозг начинает придумывать оправдания. “Just a bit more today, and tomorrow I stop!” or “Just a little bit, it won’t hurt me so much!” “It says low-carb on the label, it means it’s allowed!”… Make a list of excuses you commonly use and learn to be aware that it’s your brain playing tricks on you. Your brain будет make excuses. It’s an excuse-making machine. Your brain works in silence, creating more and more excuses to mess up with your brain. Be smarter than your brain.
6. Когда вы чувствуете искушение обмануть, remind yourself that the future is an endless stream of todays. If you give in to temptation today, you will likely give in tomorrow, too. You will probably be tempted to decide something like, “This little bit doesn’t count”. It’s like saying, “These few seconds of putting my head into the jaws of a crocodile do not count.” It catches up with you sooner or later.
7. Perhaps schedule “cheating days”, let’s say a day a week when you are allowed to relax a bit. Note: this does not apply if you are trying to give up an addictive habit! Even if your habit is not addictive, be careful with this advice; do not allow the cheating day to undo the benefits of your previous efforts.
8. Представьте, что от вашего следующего решения зависит ваша жизнь или то, чего вы действительно хотите. Many times this is true, but it’s so far away in the future that our now-focused brain just isn’t motivated enough. Imagine as intensely as you can that what you do right now is detrimental for your happiness.
9. Don’t fight frustration. Don’t think you shouldn’t feel it. Acknowledge it, but don’t identify with it. Напомните себе, что разочарование означает, что желаемые изменения находятся в процессе. Фрустрация - это попытка вашего тела вернуться к старому автоматизму.
10. Найдите образцы для подражания – at least one, preferably several, people, who already act the way you want to act. Imagine their point of view: what motivates them, how do they think and feel in this context, how do they resist temptation. Perhaps you can ask them directly about it, but it’s not necessary if your imagination is good enough. Even a cat can be a good role model if your goal is to learn to relax (or to ignore other people’s opinions).
11. Обратитесь за помощью к выбранному вами духовному существу. Even if you are not overly spiritual, this might help you tap into subconscious resources you don’t normally use.
12. Подумайте, как изменится ваша жизнь через 10-20 лет если вы выполните свое решение, и как это будет выглядеть через тот же промежуток времени, если вы вернетесь к старым привычкам. Общая картина часто может сделать последствия гораздо более очевидными, чем краткосрочная перспектива.
13. Полезная мантра: “I choose long-term happiness over short-term fun.”
14. Если сможете, После пробуждения проведите некоторое время, расслабляясь в постели и повышая свою мотивацию to keep your resolution in the day that follows. Motivation likes to dissipate over time, it’s important to renew it regularly.
15. Если вы потерпели неудачу, начните сначала. Everybody fails at some point. That doesn’t have to determine the rest of your life.
16. Найдите мотивирующие книги или статьи и часто читайте их. Составьте небольшой сборник любимых абзацев и используйте их для мотивации.
17. Думайте о том, что ваши нынешние усилия - это услуга вашему будущему "я".
18. Подумайте, что бы вы посоветовали другу, оказавшемуся в такой же ситуации, как и вы. Представьте, как друзья подбадривают вас – or ask for direct encouragement.
19. Разбейте свою цель на последовательность маленьких целей. Вознаградите себя когда вы достигнете каждого из них. Убедитесь, что награда не подрывает ваши усилия.
20. Включите в свое ежедневное расписание занятия, ориентированные на достижение цели. If you don’t, you might find yourself doing all kinds of other things until you are too tired or it’s too late – and then it’s much easier to fall back to old habits. Prevent this by good planning.
21. Ведите дневник своих усилий. Иногда неловкость от того, что вы записали неудачу, может стать достаточной мотивацией для предотвращения этой неудачи.
Б) Избавление от нежелательных привычек
22. Addictive behavior is often automated – people find themselves, for example, reaching for a cigarette without even consciously thinking about it. Если вы заметили автоматическое поведение, замрите на месте. Сделайте паузу. Дышите глубоко. Почувствуйте свои чувства и мысли. Напомните себе обо всех этих способах мотивации. Отвлекитесь от пагубных желаний любым способом, который только сможете придумать. Важно нарушить автоматическую последовательность поведения.
23. Мысленно ассоциируйте объект зависимости или аддиктивного поведения с очень неприятными вещами. Именно этого добиваются фотографии раковых легких на сигаретных пачках. Если вы пристрастились к сладкому, немедленно after looking at sweets, imagine fat, disease, weakness, discomfort in tight clothes… whatever feels repulsive to you. If you crave sweets, but find cigarettes disgusting, imagine a cookie as if it was a sweet cigarette. And the other way around. The goal is to achieve the state in which seeing or thinking of the object of your addiction is immediately followed by a repulsive image. If you make unpleasant associations strong enough to counter pleasant expectations, it will be much easier to resist temptation. You can even think of completely unrelated disgusting things – roadkill, manure, vomit… – anything that causes revulsion.
24. Подумайте о каких чувств вы надеетесь достичь through unwanted behavior. Imagine that you already feel that way. Perhaps create a little visualization or fantasy that helps you feel relaxed, loved, safe, acceptable – or whatever your toxic habit artificially provided. Make the feelings as strong as you can.
25. Напомните себе, что ваш Желание дает вам ложную надежду of feeling good. Do you really feel as good as expected when you give in to craving? It’s often only a shadow of the feeling you really hope for.
26. Составьте список других занятий, которые помогают вам чувствовать себя хорошо и планируйте для них время каждый день. Если вы уже чувствуете себя счастливым, у вас будет меньше причин прибегать к веществам, вызывающим зависимость, чтобы чувствовать себя хорошо.
27. Напомните себе, что giving in to craving doesn’t mean that craving would go away – it would probably become even stronger.
28. Подумайте, что если вы поддадитесь желанию, то relief will be short-term – but the unpleasant consequences will last much longer.
29. Remind yourself of withdrawal symptoms you would have to suffer all over again if you give in to temptation.
30. Remind yourself that your body is still in Stone Age and its cravings are not necessarily healthy. Many people give in to cravings because they think: “If my body needs this so much, it cannot be что bad!” It это that bad. Your body did not evolve to respond adequately to all the challenges of modern civilization.
31. Focus on your body. Notice the parts of your body where you feel craving – and notice also the parts of your body that feel better when you act in healthy ways, the parts that “want” to be clean and healthy. Focus at the latter rather than the former.
32. Remove all the triggers in your environment that remind you of the habit you want to stop. Put all the food in cabinets or fridge, out of sight. Throw cigarettes away. Avoid even looking at commercials. Ask friends and family to stop offering you such things.
33. Find healthier substitutes. If your addiction includes ingesting something – processed food, alcohol, cigarettes – try carbonated water (unsweetened – perhaps with some fresh fruit juice) or chewing gum, for example. Some people find that electronic cigarettes can help with reducing cigarette addiction. Of course, you’ll need to give up that habit eventually, too.
34. Think about how happy and proud of yourself you will feel tomorrow if you resist temptation today.
35. Or, think about regret and unpleasant feeling of toxic residue next morning, if you give in to temptation today.
36. If you feel you have to give in to craving, postpone it for 15 mins. After that, another 15 mins. And so on, as long as you possibly can. The idea of 15 mins is easier to agree to than the idea of an eternity without your addictive substance of choice. Perhaps you’ll even find out that the craving subsides after that time. If not, at least you will probably end up “straying” less often than you normally would.
37. Imagine that you’ve already ingested your addictive substance and you don’t feel the need any more. Even better, imagine that you ingested so much it already makes you feel sick. The better your imagination, the better your results.
38. If you have a child, or plan to, consider what role model do you want to be. Many people are more motivated by their children’s benefit than their own. If you are a woman, you might imagine for a moment that you are pregnant. If you wouldn’t want to harm your unborn child with addictive substances, would you want to harm your own body?
39. Some people feel compelled to eat up any food remains so that they wouldn’t be thrown away (another instinct from Stone Age). Tell yourself, “My body is not a garbage bag!” Freeze extra food or donate it.
C) Developing desired habits
40. Prepare everything necessary to start (for example, exercising, writing, learning a language), but without an obligation to start immediately. Once everything is ready, your brain will probably find it easier to start.
41. Make just a little effort, without commitment to continue for a long time. One exercise, a few sentences… often after the initial resistance is overcome, we can relax into the activity we started and continue for quite a while longer than we expected.
42. Remember how you feel about activities you like and imagine to spread that enthusiasm and enjoyment into the new activity you are currently practicing. Even a little enthusiasm is better than nothing.
43. Consider that everything you do today, means less work tomorrow.
44. If you are motivated by deadlines, imagine that you have a deadline – and it’s awfully close. If you want to develop a habit of cleaning your house, imagine that you have guests coming over in a few hours, for example. (Speaking from experience here!)
45. Imagine the pleasure of a job well done.
46. Make a conscious effort to develop a pleasant feeling inside while you are working on a new habit. This way, it can be associated with a good feeling rather than frustration or boredom.
47. Note any discomfort or resistance. Consider that it’s probably exaggerated.
48. Note that relaxation and fun is not so relaxing and fun if there is work waiting for you. Use relaxing activities as a reward for a job well done – and then you can enjoy them much more.
49. Don’t expect to be perfect from the start in your new activity. People often procrastinate if they are afraid of failure. Give yourself a permission to make mistakes.
And finally, 50 – my favourite strategy I developed when working with a client. Make a commitment to donate certain amount of money every time you stray from your decisions. It has to be on top of what you might be already donating. It has to be giving money away, not saving it for something else. This is great way to develop awareness of how every action counts and has real consequences (as our brains’ favourite excuse is often “just a bit, it won’t count!”) It makes you more aware of the pull of temptation and what excuses your brain creates. It’s a way to get you focused on the wider picture and the sum of all of your decisions. Try it out for fun – you might find it so efficient you might want to keep it up for life! A word of caution, though – it might only work well if you are generally responsible and well organized with money. If you tend to let money seep through your fingers, this method might end up as just another drain. Perhaps find another part of life in which you are responsible and rational, and apply it in a similar manner to your bad habits.
Here we are. You might need to experiment a while to find out what works best for you. Sometimes the suggestions that felt flat yesterday will feel spot on today. Read your reminder often – but don’t allow it to become a mindless routine. Knowing doesn’t automatically mean applying that knowledge! Everything we repeat often, becomes a routine, so when reading your reminder over and over again, put some conscious effort to get emotionally involved into it. Good luck!
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Как изменить токсичные привычки
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