“I Don’t Know What Do I Want!”

Our desires and goals motivate us towards self-fulfillment and increase our enjoyment of life. But not just that – recognizing goals and working on them are important in coaching and psychotherapy. Since emotional conditioning and limitations are primarily reflected through бессознательный самосаботажРабота над желаниями и целями часто является самым быстрым способом распознать чувства и убеждения, которые больше всего нас саботируют. Особенно если концентрация на жизненных целях такие как качественные интимные отношения, самооценка, полноценная работа, мы можем распознать эмоциональные блоки которые больше всего влияют на нашу жизнь. Их решение приносит много пользы не только в желаемом контексте, но и во многих других сферах жизни.

Yet sometimes clients just don’t know what they want! Sometimes they might recognize this as a critical issue that requires coaching. Отсутствие целей doesn’t just cause routine, stagnant lives, it also indicates deep emotional blocks. It’s very unlikely that such people can be truly and deeply content with their lives, and they feel it too. Even if we were able to be completely satisfied with our lives and our emotional patterns, I believe that we can still grow and develop emotionally.

Отсутствие целей бывает нескольких видов:

1. У клиентов действительно есть желания, но они don’t dare to acknowledge themили они don’t believe them attainable.

2. Клиент находится в внутренний конфликт о нескольких вариантах.

3.Настоящая неспособность чувствовать или осознавать личные желания и цели.

Первые два случая обычно распознать несложно. Первый требует работы над ограничивающие убеждения  and emotions, perhaps including guilt or shame for having desires. (Under condition that the goals are healthy and don’t include or imply hurting other people.) Perhaps such a client was raised to take too much responsibility for other people and to put themselves last. Some people feel incapable or unworthy, and sometimes they believe that it is not possible to fulfill a certain desire. Sometimes this is true – we certainly cannot teach fleas to sing, for example. Still, even a seemingly unreachable goal can give us something to aspire to, something to dream of and motivate us (even if you only end up with fleas who start screaming at the sight of you).

Второй случай, внутренний конфликт, также может быть вызван ограничивающими убеждениями, которые мешают людям двигаться к какому-либо из желаемых вариантов. Но если желания кажутся противоречивые и несовместимые, it’s highly likely that this is caused by a deep identity conflict. In short, this is a conflict amongst false personalities created on the foundation of toxic beliefs. Such a pattern is often the результат конфликта между родителями when the client was a child – especially if the parents tried to make the child choose a side. Such a situation creates limiting beliefs and false, compensatory personality parts in the child, which make it seem impossible to achieve two different desires, even if, realistically, they are not mutually exclusive (love and freedom, for example). For more information, read the articles Сложный конфликт и Квантовый скачок в сознании

Потеря идентичности

The last possibility, true inability to express a goal, is not so common. Starting with a presumption that for a normal person it’s almost impossible not to have some wishes at least – wishes show us what is interesting and fulfilling to us, what takes us to the next step in our personal growth – I’d say that the most important cause of this issue is отвержение и подавление истинной личности, которые заменяются токсичными убеждениями и привычками. В первых двух случаях это тоже верно, но обычно не в такой степени.

Возможно, такие люди пережили меньшее количество травм, но достаточно тяжелых, чтобы они почти полностью отказываться от себя; or a longer period of milder, but consistent neglect and suppressing of the children’s personality, usually accompanied by “brain washing” and не позволяя детям самостоятельно выбирать направления в жизни. Such people can spend all of their lives robotically following their parents’ beliefs or unfulfilled desires, without ever really considering what they truly want.

The solution of this issue requires resolving limiting beliefs and rediscovering and reintegrating the suppressed parts of personality. But this is not all. You will need to spend some time gently, but consistently exploring – открывая себя заново: your preferences, desires, interests towards particular topics or activities… very likely you will need to invest time in developing new habits and skills that you didn’t have a chance to learn before. But later is better than never.

Don’t expect yourself to know at once what will you want to do with the rest of your life. It’s enough to learn to следуйте своему внутреннему руководству изо дня в день, from smaller desires towards life goals. While learning to live in this way, you develop an awareness that one day, perhaps when you least expect it, might reveal a true purpose of your life. Perhaps, by following your smaller wishes, you will spend some time collecting knowledge and developing skills that will help you later in life to create your life work – the skills that perhaps you wouldn’t have patience to practice, if you knew in advance what your life mission would be.

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