Jak Twoja rodzina napędza Twój biznes

… even when you are not aware of it

Some time back, I was working with a small business owner who employed 7-8 people. On the outside, she had everything she needed to succeed: she was driven, innovative, genuinely cared about her customers, and offered services that for many people were a need rather than a luxury. Yet her results were bad and her business coach has told her she’d be bankrupt within 6 months if nothing would change.

She said the problems started when she ceased to be involved in „hands-on” activities and focused primarily on management. She trusted her staff to work well when she was not around, but instead they were continuously under-performing. Some of them started treating her with open or passive disrespect, making more and more demands or unexpectedly missing work.

I asked her how does she select her staff; she told me she delegates that to one of her senior staff members (let’s call her Mary). Soon it turned out that Mary was the key problem; one of her duties was to select and train new staff, but she slacked in both. Mary was also manipulative; she would hide certain passwords from her boss, would lie and gaslight her while in the same time pretending to care and worry for her. It wouldn’t take long before new employees would copy that attitude (And Mary would, of course, employ the kind of people ona lubiane).

My client was aware of all or most of that. The obvious next question was, why wouldn’t she let Mary go? The answer was not so obvious. She felt somehow emotionally attached to Mary; she was also afraid that other employees who liked Mary would be angry, but the key problem was hope. Somehow she felt she had to believe that Mary would finally „see the light” and change. (See also: When Hope is a “Negative” Emotion)

A few questions later, it turned out that Mary reminded her of her younger sister she was made to take care of when she was young. The sister soon learned to exploit such a situation and manipulate the parents against my client. This was now mostly in the past, but unconsciously, the unresolved emotions and unfulfilled hopes were still there – and the unrealistic sense of responsibility, too.

We can easily guess Mary learned her complementary behavioral patterns with/from her family, too. She didn’t necessarily have to be a spoiled younger child, she could have also observed such behavior from other family members. Perhaps, as a defensive strategy, she adopted the same behavior others used to control her when she was a child. She would reap some short term benefits from such behavior, but in the long run she would lose trust and respect.

Czuć się jak dziecko w pracy

I worked with some more bosses and managers with similar issues, and, on the other side, quite a few regular employees who would suddenly feel small and resource-less in front of their boss. Some of them told me they would literally feel as if they were physically shrinking to a very small size. I would ask: „How old do you feel then?” The answer tends to hover around 3 years old.

For some people, simply seeing an authority figure they feel they depend on, unconsciously reminds them of their original parent-child relationship and causes them to forget most of their adult resources. They might say, „It feels like my head is suddenly empty and I can’t find any words to say”. This sounds like they age-regress to memories created before they learned to speak.

Dlaczego tak się dzieje?

When we were children, particularly while we were toddlers, our brains were working in overdrive, trying to figure out the world and how to deal with it, as soon as possible. Through a combination of imitation and experimenting, we eventually learned what behaviors result in the most benefit and the least trouble around our family members. Those experiences became the script our brains tend to resort to in challenging situations. For some people, it’s to create drama, or to play a victim. For others, it’s to freeze and try to fade into the background. For some, it might be to blame themselves or to take responsibility. The problem is, what worked best in our families might not work best in the adult world.

The process of adapting to our families often requires us to ignore and suppress various painful emotions – and sometimes even happy emotions if they were not welcome in our families. However, life keeps showing us that suppressed does not mean gone. As one of the pioneering psychoanalysts C. G. Jung said, ‘Until you make the unconscious świadomy, pokieruje twoim życiem, a ty nazwiesz go przeznaczeniem.’

Nierozwiązane emocje z dzieciństwa mogą nie tylko motywować nas do dawania lub wybaczania zbyt wiele; mogą również wywoływać nieuzasadnione uprzedzenia i niechęć. Jeśli miałeś brata, który cię popychał, wujka, który dotykał cię w niewłaściwy sposób lub kuzyna, którego twoja matka lubiła bardziej niż ciebie, ktokolwiek przypomina ci w jakiś sposób tych członków rodziny, może wydawać ci się nieprzyjemny, nawet jeśli nigdy nie zrobił nic złego. Podobieństwo może być czysto fizyczne lub może po prostu mieć to samo imię, co problematyczny członek rodziny. Jeśli takie emocje nie zostaną rozpoznane i rozwiązane, mogą sprawić, że nawet dobra osoba zacznie traktować kogoś niesprawiedliwie.

Jak to się objawia?

Kilka innych przykładów tego, jak wychowanie wpływa na zachowanie w pracy:

• Możesz czuć się niezdolny do stawiania granic innym lub samemu sobie.
  
• You might try to prove yourself too hard, and never feel it’s enough (I had a client who would even deny herself food and sleep until she’d finish everything she’d expect herself to do in a day, which was, as you can guess, usually too much)

• You might feel spontaneously attracted to people who seem „normal” or „familiar” to you, even if they don’t treat you well, and might not feel able to let them go, out of guilt or fear or hope
  
• Możesz odczuwać potrzebę grania w gry o władzę ze swoimi współpracownikami (co przypomina rywalizację między rodzeństwem).
  
• Jako szef możesz naśladować autorytety z przeszłości, nie zdając sobie sprawy, że istnieją zdrowsze i bardziej produktywne sposoby motywowania podwładnych
  
• You might feel it’s not acceptable to stand out or to ask for what you want
  
• Możesz zwlekać, albo ze strachu przed błędami, albo dlatego, że masz nadzieję, że rozwiązania przyjdą z zewnątrz (tak jak wtedy, gdy byłeś mały).
  
• Możesz mieć problemy z dyscypliną lub chęć przeciwstawienia się autorytetom bez dobrego powodu
  
• You might stay at the job that doesn’t satisfy you anymore, because you’d feel guilty if you left.

Jak pozostać dorosłym

Describing all of our coaching would require a book (which I’m writing), but here are some helpful first-aid steps:

1. Nie ma zmiany bez świadomości. Zwróć uwagę i potwierdź to, co czujesz, zamiast unikać tego lub ignorować.
   
2. Uznaj, że pomimo tego, że są silne, te uczucia prawdopodobnie nie są realistyczne.
   
3. Remind yourself: “These feelings are a reaction to the past, not the present.”
   
4. Ask yourself: “Who or what does this person/situation remind me of? How old do I feel emotionally?”
   
5. Remind yourself: “This is not the same person or the same situation. I am an adult now and I have learned a lot since I was a child. What has worked in my family will likely not work now.”
   
6. Zastanów się, co byłoby dorosłym i dojrzałym zachowaniem w danej sytuacji.
   
7. Większość z nas boi się własnych emocji bardziej niż czegokolwiek innego i automatycznie próbuje uciec i porzucić siebie w chwilach intensywnego dyskomfortu emocjonalnego. Jeśli dorosłe zachowanie wymaga zrobienia czegoś, co cię przeraża, zwróć uwagę na to, by być dla siebie życzliwym i wspierającym podczas radzenia sobie ze strachem i innymi nieprzyjemnymi emocjami. Zamiast bić się lub próbować uciec, porozmawiaj ze sobą tak, jak zrobiłby to troskliwy i współczujący rodzic lub przyjaciel.
   
8. Nawet jeśli nie poradziłeś sobie z sytuacją idealnie (co prawdopodobnie miało miejsce), doceń wysiłek, jaki w to włożyłeś i rozpoznaj, czego się dzięki temu nauczyłeś. Uznaj, że byłeś w stanie poradzić sobie z dyskomfortem i że za każdym razem w przyszłości będzie to łatwiejsze i będziesz wiedział jeszcze lepiej. W razie potrzeby zapewnij sobie wsparcie emocjonalne.

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