+385 98 9205 935 iscmentoring.eu@gmail.com

Jak stanąć w swojej obronie

utworzone przez | 24.lip. 2018 | Nowe artykuły, Nadużycie, Komunikacja




Protecting one’s own granice osobiste and finding balance with other people, whether family or strangers, and often in subtle ways, are everyday parts of a human life. Testing and pushing on others’ boundaries is normal in a relationship of a child to a parent, and is still very much present among adults, too. Some people feel their disrespect of others’ needs and decisions as so normal they won’t even notice when they do it – while others może nie zauważyć when it’s done to them. Most people learn to disrespect their own or other people’s needs in a very early age, depending of how their parents set their own boundaries, how they react to the child expressing his/her will, but also of how they treat each other.

In adulthood, the most important boundaries are those one sets with a partner and children. Since a partner is usually acquired before children, if you set boundaries with him/her first, later it’s easier to do it with children, too. A problem is that, usually, an adult person has much stronger and better solidified ideas about what is normal and acceptable – ideas which are not necessarily overly healthy.

A bigger problem is that many people – especially those who are naturally (or were raised to be) more considerate, insecure and/or responsible – feel a need to please their partners, which often turns into ignoring one’s own boundaries to accommodate the partner. Niektórzy ludzie z czasem przyzwyczajają się do zaprzeczania coraz większej liczbie własnych pragnień, potrzeb i wartości, co może skończyć się nadużycie lub przynajmniej w związku pełnym frustracji i rozczarowania.

 

 

Let’s say Mike and Tiffany agreed on a date, but Tiffany is late. She’s 15 minutes late, 20 minutes, half hour… and she doesn’t call or respond to calls. Mike feels frustrated, but doesn’t want to risk a potential romance before it even started, and decides to say nothing “this time”. He hopes this is an isolated case and not a habit of Tiffany’s. Perhaps Tiffany finally shows up with some weak excuse, or she only sends an apologetic message the following day. Mike is not happy with her behavior, but only grits his teeth and asks when they could meet again, because he likes Tiffany too much to “rock the boat” so soon.

Or, say, Anthony introduces Danielle to his friends, and proceeds to share private details from Danielle’s life with the group, or makes disparaging comments in her direction, probably presented as jokes. Danielle later complains about his behavior. Anthony will almost certainly say, “You are zbyt wrażliwy, I was just joking!” Danielle thinks, “Maybe I’m truly overreacting? Maybe it’s my problem if such things hurt me? When we are alone, he’s not at all bad! Best not to risk the relationship over such a small thing!”, and allows her needs to be silenced under the treat of being labeled as too sensitive.

Niezależnie od tego, czy Tiffany i Anthony działali z braku szacunku, czy po prostu zostali wychowani tak, aby akceptować nieprzemyślane zachowanie jako normalne, once they experience there will be no consequences, next time it’s even easier to repeat such behavior. They might even be more and more convinced that such behavior is acceptable, and might be surprised or offended if their partners object to it. On the other hand, Danielle and Mike might find it easier to ignore their own needs after they’ve already done it before. Thus an unpleasant surprise staje się nawykiem

Ludzie są istotami zdolnymi do adaptacji, więc możemy nieświadomie, nawet wbrew własnej woli, przyzwyczaić się do nieprzyjemnych okoliczności. if we stay around long enough. After a while, we could be surprised when we look back and realize how many things we’ve learned to tolerate which we thought “we never would”.

If you think about all the variety of inconsiderate and irresponsible behavior you’ve gotten used in your own environment, perhaps you’d be surprised to realize how much of it is considered “normal”, not only in personal, but also business relationships: manipulation, dishonesty, various power struggles, exploitation… People who do these things usually find mentalne usprawiedliwienia i wymówki for them, usually because they’ve seen it justified or at least tolerated within their families and cultures. 

 

Znalezienie równowagi

To set boundaries, you don’t need some measurable, external confirmation you are “right”. It’s not so important, or sometimes even possible, to know who is wrong and who is right. What is important are Kompatybilność i wzajemne względy. Aby móc wyznaczać dobre granice, trzeba:

1) nie bać się zaryzykować związku /praca/ cokolwiek innego

2) rozwijać się poczucie równowagi

Developing a sense of balance is not so difficult in theory, especially as this is partly an innate human instinct. It might be trickier if your family trained you to believe you don’t have the right to express your needs and you’d be punished if you are angry or have demands. (Also you might have a problem with balance if your family taught you to believe that you are “special” and your needs are more important than others’.) Still, even then większość ludzi zachowuje pewien instynkt równoważenia własnych potrzeb z potrzebami innych ludzi. Poświęć trochę czasu na rozważenie sytuacji z więcej niż jedna perspektywa i zdecydować, co ma największy sens.

If you are generally responsible and lean toward self-questioning, it’s more likely that you’d disturb the balance at your own expense than at somebody else’s. Keeping that in mind, it’s important to pay attention and give weight to your own needs as well as other people’s. Może to wymagać zmierzenia się z dawnym poczuciem winy z dzieciństwa, strachem przed karą lub porzuceniem. Możemy ci w tym pomóc.

If you are used to emphasizing your own needs and dismissing others’, and you want to change this (congratulations, you are a rarebreed!), you might need to confront your fear of losing power, losing control, and perhaps losing a sense of specialness compared to other people. Don’t give up; such władza, kontrola i znaczenie są tylko iluzją anyway, or at least are very fragile. Self-esteem, happiness and relaxation you can achieve in healthy, balanced relationships are much more real and lasting. You will also need to exercise seeing other people’s perspectives and a conscious attitude of appreciation for other people’s needs.
If you are used to emphasizing your own needs and dismissing others’, and you want to change this (congratulations, you are a rarebreed!), you might need to confront your fear of losing power, losing control, and perhaps losing a sense of specialness compared to other people. Don’t give up; such władza, kontrola i znaczenie są tylko iluzją anyway, or at least are very fragile. Self-esteem, happiness and relaxation you can achieve in healthy, balanced relationships are much more real and lasting. You will also need to exercise seeing other people’s perspectives and a conscious attitude of appreciation for other people’s needs.

 

 

Strach przed karą

Now let’s talk about the more difficult part: not to be afraid of losing a relationship (or something else you hope for). Such an attitude is usually most difficult to achieve in early stages of a relationship, when hopes are still high, while first czerwone flagi wydają się małe lub przypadkowe. A jednak początek związku jest najważniejszym momentem na ustalenie naszych granic. i wyrażać nasze potrzeby.

Pamiętaj, że jeśli wyrażanie siebie i swoich potrzeb oznacza, że druga osoba może cię ukarać lub opuścić, to najwyraźniej ta osoba nie jest przyzwyczajona ani do szukania równowagi, ani do współpracy, ani do bycia rozważną lub pełną szacunku. Dlatego, oczywiście, możesz spodziewać się takiej samej postawy w przyszłości. It’s not likely you want or need such a person in your life. In such a case, it’s better to recognize this on time, than when it’s too lateprawda?

Wbij sobie mocno do głowy tę myśl: tak długo, jak twoja komunikacja jest spokojna i konstruktywna, wszelkie napady złości, obwinianie lub próby zastraszenia cię lub upokorzenia przez drugą osobę oznaczają, że ta osoba jest w błędzie. brak szacunku i próby manipulacji. Even if you are used to this kind of behavior, it doesn’t mean you should accept it. If such behavior is present in the beginning of a relationship, there can only be more of it in the future. Jedyna akceptowalna odpowiedź Wyznaczanie granic w spokojny sposób to pokojowe, odpowiedzialne i rozważne kłótnie lub negocjacje. Tylko taka reakcja oznacza zdrowy związek w przyszłości. Jeśli związek jest zdrowy, nie można go zniszczyć, szukając równowagi. Dotyczy to nie tylko związków miłosnych, ale także przyjaźni, biznesu czy innych relacji.

Sometimes, fear of losing a relationship is not the result of a realistic perception of one’s partner, but doświadczenia we wczesnej rodzinie. Być może twój partner jest odpowiedzialny i chętny do współpracy, ale w twojej wyobraźni oczywistą reakcją, jeśli wyrazisz swoje potrzeby, będzie wściekłość, kara lub porzucenie. Oznacza to. Twoje oczekiwania wynikają z przeszłościa nie teraźniejszość. Musisz dowiedzieć się, skąd się biorą, pracować z dziecięcą częścią siebie, aby pomóc jej poczuć się bezpiecznie i rozwinąć nowe nawyki myślenia, odczuwania i zachowania. To wszystko są rzeczy, w których możemy pomóc.

Czasami największym wyzwaniem jest rozpoznanie, że zbyt silna więź z niekompatybilnym partnerem jest wynikiem nieświadomego poszukiwania rodzic zastępujący. Z takimi więzami można pracować i je przekształcać. Takie emocjonalne uwikłanie sprawia, że ludzie czują, że mogą nie mieć kolejnej szansy na szczęście i że nigdy nie znajdą kogoś lepszego niż ich obecne zainteresowanie miłością. W rzeczywistości istnieje wiele osób, które są zdrowsze i lepsze dla ciebie niż osoba, która ukarałaby cię lub porzuciła tylko dlatego, że jasno wyrażasz swoje granice. Więź emocjonalna, która jest wynikiem poszukiwania zastępstwa dla rodzica, musi być uzdrowiony od wewnątrz, working with your “inner child”, rather than trying to keep a partner at all costs.

 

 

Określenie konsekwencji braku współpracy

What if you are in a long term relationship or married, perhaps with children, and you recently realized that you spent years getting your partner (and yourself) used to not pay attention to your needs? Or, what if you are still in an early stage of a relationship, you recognize that your partner doesn’t have a well developed sense of balance and consideration, but you believe it can be changed?

Najgorszą rzeczą, jaką możesz zrobić, to składać groźby, których nigdy nie wprowadzisz w życie, whether because you don’t dare to, or you take pity on your partner. The second most ineffective approach is to keep trying to convince your partner to change with demands and pleas, while not changing anything in your behavior. Every time you do it, and every time your partner successfully ignores your words, you weaken yourself and your boundaries. (All of this is true in relationships with children, too.)

W takich okolicznościach najlepszym i prawdopodobnie jedynym skutecznym podejściem jest determine practical consequences of ignoring your boundaries – in advancei trzymać się ich przez całe życie. Nazwij to karą, jeśli chcesz, ale takie konsekwencje nie powinny być większe (lub mniejsze) niż to, jak zareagowałaby zdrowa, pewna siebie osoba. Aby móc zastosować je w praktyce, konsekwencje muszą być umiarkowany i realistycznya jednocześnie wystarczająco nieprzyjemne, aby zmotywować partnera.

Rather than threaten to end the relationship, try this: your partner doesn’t want to do their share of household chores? Let them wash their own clothes and cook their own food for a while at least. Your partner keeps being late when you need to go somewhere? Leave without them (if possible start using this approach in less important situations, rather than when you are in a rush to get on a plane). Your partner is embarrassing you in public? Leave them there and go home by yourself (preferably let them use public transport rather than leaving them the car). Your partner wants you to cancel your other tasks and agreements because they suddenly want you to do something else? Let them go where they want by themselves, while you stick with your plans. A temporary separation is a possible consequence for worse misbehavior, but best to determine in advance when this is appropriate, and who should stay where.

Idealnie, ostrzec partnera z wyprzedzeniem o konsekwencjach of their behavior, so they know what to expect and cannot accuse you of a temper tantrum or manipulation. Explain your partner why the need for such approach (because, obviously, words didn’t help). Does it sound a bit like raising a child? Yes, and it would be great if that wasn’t needed, but the reality is also that many adult people don’t want to take adult responsibilities.

Your partner might try to accuse you of controlling or manipulating them. Then it’s time to talk about what does balance in a relationship mean to them, and whether you are compatible at all. Oczekiwania i potrzeby nie oznaczają kontrolowania drugiej osoby., if there is no pressure to stay in the relationship – and also if you focus on what is really important to you, rather than insisting on things being your way every time. As usual, the key is in finding balance.

If it’s obvious that your partner doesn’t want to change something that for you is a requirement to continue the relationship, then it’s uczciwiej jest zakończyć związek pokojowo, niż próbować zmusić kogoś do zmiany in the way they don’t want to (even if such a change would be healthier for them). Everybody has a right to decide how they want or don’t want to change, and whether they want to stay in a certain relationship or not. The only obstacles to this – and the causes of various manipulative and controlling behaviors – are various childish fears, financial concerns, and the oversimplified tradition that says, “‘Til death do us part”. None of this is necessary in a modern society (ok, financial concerns can be realistic, but rarely unsolvable), and it’s certainly better to make your decision sooner rather than when it’s too late.

Czy odczuwasz strach lub poczucie winy? when you consider determining consequences for somebody’s unpleasant behavior? Perhaps you were abused as a child, or in a previous relationship, or you might be nadużywany in a current relationship, so you learned to fear punishment and violence if you stand up for yourself like a healthy adult. If your current partner makes you afraid, recognize that it’s likely a result of abuse rather than a normal state, and it’s time to seriously consider leaving that person. And if your fear comes from your past, this is not so difficult to work through and change.

 

Powiązane artykuły:

Czy jesteś wykorzystywany?

Wyznaczanie granic

Czy jesteś zbyt wrażliwy?

 

Wszystkie artykuły 

Coaching online 

Kosjenka Muk

Kosjenka Muk

I’m an Integrative Systemic Coaching trainer and special education teacher. I taught workshops and gave lectures in 10 countries, and helped hundreds of people in 20+ countries on 5 continents (on- and offline) find solutions for their emotional patterns. I wrote the book “Emotional Maturity In Everyday Life” and a related series of workbooks.

Some people ask me if I do bodywork such as massage too – sadly, the only type of massage I can do is rubbing salt into wounds.

Just kidding. I’m actually very gentle. Most of the time.

pl_PLPolski