Terapia z klientami ze zdrowych rodzin

While more than 90% of people’s emotional problems seem to originate in childhood (or are at least enhanced by early family), from time to time it’s an interesting experience to work with people who come from healthy, caring and quite mature families. (Some people who claim so might be in denial, of course, but during therapy that usually becomes clear through their non-verbal communication or some of our diagnostic strategies). I hesitate to claim that there are definite patterns, or a kind of “box” for this group of people. Yet I noticed a few interesting similarities in some of these cases.

Kluczem może być to, że dzieci ze zdrowych rodzin mogą dorastać względnie nieprzygotowani na znacznie mniej zdrowe środowisko poza domem. Nawet jeśli prawdopodobnie mają pewne problemy i konflikty z rówieśnikami w szkole lub sąsiadami, rodzice nadal będą tymi, którzy przede wszystkim kształtują ich oczekiwania wobec ludzi w ogóle. Dzieci ze zdrowych rodzin może oczekiwać, że większość innych ludzi również będzie rozsądna, konsekwentna i uczciwa – and the rest of the world might be greatly disappointing. In this way, even the best parents might create some problems for their children. Ten artykuł szczegółowo opisuje, jak uniknąć tej pułapki, zapewniając dzieciom odpowiednie wyzwania.

It’s not uncommon for such people, even as adults, to start taking  too much responsibility for problems they have with other people, sometimes to the point of becoming very niepewność własnych uczuć lub charakteru. Dzieje się tak, ponieważ oczekują, że nowe osoby w ich życiu będą tak rozsądne, jak ich rodzicei może być trudno wyobrazić sobie lub zrozumieć, że wiele innych osób ma problemy emocjonalne, które wymykają się wszelkiemu rozumowaniu. Co ciekawe, takie obwinianie siebie i niewłaściwa odpowiedzialność są również normalną wczesną reakcją prawie wszystkich małych dzieci w niezdrowych rodzinach, gdy jeszcze ufają, że ich rodzice mają rację, until they grow old enough to know differently.  It’s almost like sooner or later we all have to go through such confusion and conflict, until we learn enough about both ourselves and others.

Let’s say we have two people in an intimate relationship, Jack and Jill. Jill comes from a healthy, balanced background. Jack comes from an angry, manipulative, blaming family. Jack, of course, has some great qualities too, which Jill is initially attracted to. Jack might have good intentions and try to be a good partner. But eventually, Jack’s dark side comes out: suppressed childish emotions, perhaps jealousy, anger, blame, unreasonable requests, controlling attitude. Sooner or later, Jack will feel safe enough to express towards Jill cokolwiek pozostało niedopowiedziane lub niedokończone w jego relacji z rodzicami; this is one of the most common pattern in intimate relationships.  If Jack is looking for a rodzic zastępczy in Jill, he might soon start taking Jill for granted, or switch between neediness and disinterest – it’s quite natural for a child to take a parent for granted, so Jack, who is emotionally still rather childish, will continue such pattern instead of working on mutual adult responsibility.

Jack might expect Jill to be a perfect “parent”: to be forgiving, understanding, responsible and generous – while allowing Jack to essentially be a child; to do what he wants without restrictions and conditions. This is an extreme situation, and all kinds of varieties are possible. Also, this kind of conflict is often present in couples who both come from immature families, too. I never said it was simple!

Such behavior will create confusion and inner conflict in Jill: why would Jack do and say such things if he didn’t have a good reason? He is basically a good person, I know that, I must have provoked such reaction somehow. Perhaps if I explain my thoughts and feelings to Jack, perhaps if I try a bit harder, we’ll come to an understanding, just as I always managed to do with my parents!

But Jack doesn’t understand, doesn’t accept other perspectives, refuses to go to therapy, because Jack’s emotions are not caused by Jill; Jill jest tylko wyzwalaczem. Jill can break her back bending over backwards to accommodate Jack, she can drain her heart and soul trying to make peace and be responsible, but Jack won’t change. Jack is essentially stuck in his childhood; a lot of the time reaguje na uczucia z przeszłości a nie Jill. Słowa i rozum nie mogą dotrzeć do tak głęboko zakorzenionych emocji, niemal instynktów.

Unless Jack starts to show honest, consistent awareness and responsibility to deal with his past and communicate like an adult, Jill will have to leave if she wants to stay sane and find happiness. Luckily for Jill, it’s usually an easier decision for somebody from a healthy background, than if Jill also grew up in an immature family. If Jill was from an immature family, she would react with her own childish issues to Jack’s childish issues and they would spend an eternity (or what feels like eternity) tormenting, blaming and obsessing about each other, hoping that the other one would change in the way their own parents never did.

A healthy person (Jill in this example) can often relatively easily update his/her expectations of the world, learn a lot about people from this experience and move on wiser and stronger.  If Jill also has a big emotional baggage, then disentangling will take more work, but it can be done with proper motivation and perseverance.

If you consider yourself a good parent, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your children’s lives will be all sunshine and flowers. Perhaps they might need therapy ponieważ byłeś takim dobrym rodzicem! Życie dopada nas prędzej czy później, zawsze są plusy i minusy w każdej sytuacji, i Za wszystko, co zyskujemy, płacimy cenę (sometimes the price comes first). It’s interesting for me to notice  how similar relationship problems can sometimes have completely different origins – how a basically healthy person can sometimes get stuck in the same kind of problems that are normally common for less healthy people. Maybe this can help some confused people understand what is going on in their lives.

Note: initially I wrote this post to be strictly gender neutral, but quite a few people told me that made it difficult to read. So I wrote about Jack and Jill based on some people who came to me for therapy. I hereby declare that I’m well aware that it could have been the other way around (or any other variation) just as easily.

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