The answer is complicated by the fact that human behavior is far more complex than “diagnosed” versus “healthy.” It is more useful to think of narcissism the way we think about intelligence or empathy: as a spectrum, with an entire range of variations, all the numbers between 0 and 100 percent. For example, many relatively healthy people are easily offended by criticism or by being told “no.” Even if the other person is right, we may remember such moments for a long time and hold a grudge. This can be called a narcissistic tendency, but it does not deserve the label of narcissism. Such sensitivity is common enough that many cultures have developed elaborate strategies to avoid triggering it—strategies that often do more harm than good.
A chronic “victim role,” obsession with status symbols, desire for fame, or a pronounced need for attention, power, or control are examples of more pronounced “narcissistic” behavior. Still, even this is not “clinical” narcissism and can be moderated by many other character traits.
Childhood Narcissism and Age Regression
Psychologists describe early childhood, roughly between the ages of one and three, as a “narcissistic phase.” This is not considered a character flaw, but a normal and necessary part of a child’s development. It is characterized by self-focus and a cognitive inability to perceive another person’s perspective or understand others’ emotions. However, unhealthy parenting can disrupt this developmental phase and partially prevent a child from growing out of it.
Excessive parental permissiveness can prevent a child from developing a sense of balance, boundaries, and respect for others’ needs. Excessive parental selfishness, neglect, or harshness can lead to the development of defensive selfishness and an inner emptiness, which the person later tries to fill through self-validation, control, power, or other means such as addictions. Often, this is immaturity rather than “true” selfishness or narcissism.
In our work, we often speak of “age regression” (article), by which we describe the resurfacing of suppressed emotions from childhood. During moments of age regression, we may feel overwhelmed by fear, humiliation, feelings of inferiority, and other very painful emotions from the past. Typically, however, we are not aware that we are reacting to the past. In defending ourselves from these emotions, we may respond irrationally or aggressively toward people who merely happened to trigger them. Such emotional reactions can resemble a child’s temper tantrum—originating precisely from that narcissistic phase. However, this is a situational reaction and does not represent a person’s usual pattern of behavior.
The Difference Between Narcissism, Selfishness, and Immaturity
These traits and behaviors can, of course, overlap. The key differences lie in the capacity for empathy, perspective-taking, and change.
Narcissism
Narcissism is a disfunction at the very core of personality. In other words, the person displays narcissistic traits in all or nearly all areas of life, with (almost) everyone around them. Twin studies suggest that genetics and environment each account for roughly half of narcissistic traits, which makes sense given what we know about many other human characteristics.
Clinical narcissism is characterized by an inability to self-reflect and to empathize. Cognitive or theoretical empathy may be present—the rational understanding of others’ emotions—but not genuine emotional resonance. This is reflected in neurology as well: so-called mirror neurons (the basis for empathy and learning through imitation) exist, but are weakly connected or not connected at all to the limbic system, which underlies emotional experience.
In addition to classic clinical narcissism, increasing attention is now given to vulnerable (covert) narcissism, which is more likely rooted in deep developmental trauma, as well as empathic or “communal” narcissism, which may manifest as (apparent) extreme empathy. More on this in the next article.
A “true” narcissist does not experience their condition as a problem and does not feel guilt when harming others. They are deeply convinced of their entitlement to privilege and superiority. Other people’s emotions and needs—and empathy itself—are seen as irrelevant or as weaknesses to be exploited.
As I have written before, at the root of this disorder lies deep insecurity and feelings of inferiority. However, the narcissist is neither able to recognize this nor motivated to change. On the contrary, abusing others often brings them substantial benefits they have no desire to give up.
Where Do Family Abusers Fit In?
In this context, it is important to consider family abusers—individuals who display narcissistic patterns primarily within the close family circle, while appearing to friends, colleagues, and extended family as normal, friendly, or even warm people. Here we are dealing with an overlap between narcissism and psychopathy.
The abuser is aware of how their behavior appears to others and of its potential consequences. Their social image matters to them, and they are willing to invest effort in maintaining it. In other words, they possess a higher degree of awareness, self-control, and behavioral choice than is typical in “ordinary” narcissism. For this reason, they often reach respected positions in society (including religious or helping professions), and their victims are frequently not believed.
What they share with classic narcissism is the belief that others—specifically certain others, such as family members they regard as their “property”—must be subordinate and must not have their own needs or boundaries. However, while the behavior of a classic narcissist is more often reactive (rage or manipulation triggered by an inability to cope with perceived injury), the behavior of a family abuser is often instrumental—calculated manipulation serving a specific purpose.
Selfishness
Just as everyone carries some degree of narcissism, everyone also carries some degree of selfishness. We might even say there is such a thing as “healthy” selfishness. It helps us set boundaries and stand up for our needs when others try to pressure or manipulate us into self-abandonment. To a certain extent, it is necessary for survival. A healthy collaboration between selfishness and empathy helps us find balance between ourselves and others.
When out of balance, selfishness is, of course, a problem. However, selfishness is not necessarily a stable character trait; it is more a matter of behavior than personality. Some people (often younger ones) may simply lack the experience to recognize that they are behaving selfishly. Others may be selfless in some areas of life and selfish in others.
Much depends on parental role models and on parenting mistakes (deprivation or permissiveness—lack of boundaries). External selfishness can be driven more by fear than by greed or lack of empathy. For example, someone who grew up in poverty or was abused may become overly rigid in certain areas of life and develop “defensive” selfishness. With experience, constructive feedback, and/or therapy, such a person can gain insight and be motivated to change.
Most people have a “limit” to their selflessness: they may be generous toward close family and friends but selfish toward those outside that circle. This often becomes visible in social and political life, particularly in cases of corruption. Corrupt individuals may steal or accept bribes while still seeing themselves as good people because the money benefits their family. In doing so, they minimize or ignore the consequences for the wider community. This reflects the human tribal mentality (artykuł), though for some individuals the number of people included in their “tribe” is very small.
Selfish people are not necessarily unempathetic. Some clients have told me: “I know that I sometimes take advantage of others when I get the chance, and I know it’s wrong, but sometimes I just can’t resist the temptation.” The conflict between selfishness and empathy is a normal part of human life. Selfish people are often simply more skilled at finding justifications for themselves.
In short, selfishness often depends on the situation and on the type of relationship you have with the person. A selfish person can feel (some) empathy and guilt, have self-awareness, and be motivated to change—although this may require effort and sometimes experiencing consequences. None of this applies to narcissism.
Niedojrzałość
Immaturity is essentially a stagnation in emotional and social development. Its main characteristics include lack of impulse control, oversimplified thinking, avoidance of responsibility, and poor social and communication skills. It can manifest in many different ways. Selfishness is often one result, but not always.
Like selfishness, immaturity is more often the result of unhealthy upbringing and parental models than a permanent personality trait. An immature person is usually focused on short-term gratification rather than long-term well-being—lacking discipline and awareness of the consequences of their behavior, not only for others but also for themselves. Immature people may harm themselves even more than they harm others.
At the root of immaturity there is often insecurity and a lack of healthy self-esteem. Such a person may overcompensate through excessive self-promotion and attention-seeking. This can resemble narcissism, but an immature person can still have empathy and see others as important—sometimes even too important.
Immature individuals, like selfish ones, może się zmienić through experience (especially through consequences), therapy, and learning new skills and habits.
How to Respond
Diagnosing someone else is not the most important thing—and it can even be a way of avoiding responsibility. What matters is recognizing what does not work for you and deciding what you want. While it is often useful to have an honest, constructive conversation with someone whose behavior bothers you, do not focus on changing others. It is far easier and more effective to change your own behavior.
1. Recognize what you feel and why.
Frustration with others’ behavior is common. But is the source of that frustration internal or external? Does the other person’s behavior actually harm you, or does it trigger unresolved emotions from earlier experiences? Do you feel insecure without that being the other person’s conscious intention? Could jealousy be hiding beneath the frustration? The sooner you identify what is really happening within you, the easier it will be to address it.
If you genuinely feel disturbed by someone’s behavior, clarify why. Which of your needs or boundaries does it violate? Do you expect it to continue or worsen in the future? Does it feel unfair, hypocritical, or manipulative? The more clearly you define this for yourself, the better you will be able to communicate it.
To clarify all this, you need a well-developed awareness of your own emotional processes. More on that in this article.
2. Identify what you want and what matters to you.
This is important both for communication and for decision-making. What do you truly want? How realistic is it to expect this from the specific person? What will happen if nothing changes? Is compromise possible, and what would it look like? What would the “cost” of that compromise be for you?
People often fear this kind of clarity because it may require major, uncomfortable changes. Many therefore remain in long-term frustration rather than making a final decision. In reality, however, difficult decisions are better made sooner rather than later. (Here is an article on difficult decisions, for reference.)
3. Communicate.
Avoid communicating from anger. But once you know exactly what bothers you and what you want, responsible communication is essential for change. The quality of communication is crucial. (Here is an article on that.)
If you have done your best to communicate responsibly, what response did you receive? From many people, you can expect initial defensiveness and avoidance of responsibility. After cooling down, some may understand you better and adjust their behavior. But if the other person consistently avoids responsibility, makes no lasting changes, belittles your needs, or tries to manipulate you, it is time to change the relationship.
4. Make a decision—and stick to it.
Face the truth. Does it make sense to maintain this relationship? Do you have the option to leave it? If not, how can you create more distance? If you can leave but it is painful, face the pain—sooner rather than later. Do you need practical preparations? How can you support yourself materially and emotionally in the meantime? Can you seek support from others?
Sometimes consequences need to be clearly defined. For example: If you insult me in public, I will end the meeting and leave. If you don’t clean up after yourself, I won’t clean up after you (or, if something more drastic is needed: I will throw your mess in the trash). If you don’t take me into account, don’t expect me to take you into account. And in extreme cases: it is time to end the relationship.
To support yourself in your decision, keep your wishes and dreams in mind, as well as the freedom and energy you can gain by letting go of a low-quality relationship. Consider how you would support your child or another person in the same situation—and apply that same care to yourself.
In the end, you do not need a diagnosis to know that a relationship is not good for you. Diagnoses are for professionals; what you need are boundaries and self-respect.
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