Miłość trwa 3 lata?

Jak upadają związki

I’ve once read an article in a paper magazine which half-jokingly stated that “every love relationship lasts 3 years”. The idea was that intimacy, passion and infatuation in an average relationship last about 3 years, after which they either dissipate into boredom and routine, or turn into resentment and criticism.

Even if no expert can seriously support such an idea, it didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s based on the fact that few couples manage to deeply love and respect each other for many years. The theory about “the shelf-life of love” is an expression of a rather cynical resignation of many people whose hopes and dreams of happiness were shattered, perhaps repeatedly.

Maybe you are convinced it can’t happen to you… or maybe you remember being convinced it couldn’t happen to you? It only takes a bit of laziness, ignorance and thoughtlessness to spoil your most important adult relationship.

A rational explanation of this half-serious “theory” could be summarized in this way: by the third year of an average relationship, positive projections and transference* have faded away, negative projections and transference have developed, motivation has given in to laziness, communication has become careless and inconsiderate, the partners have started to brać siebie nawzajem za pewnika kupka pod dywanem dojrzała i zaczęła się rozmnażać.

It’s so easy to thoughtlessly lash out at the partner when for whatever reason we feel irritable, to blame them for our immature anger, to strive to control them out of various fears, and show less and less love and respect because “it’s understood”.

Rozwijanie zaufania

Miłość i namiętność można utrzymać przez lata, budując zaufanie i szacunek. Każdy napad złości, każdy niewybredny komentarz, każdy przejaw nieodpowiedzialności i bezmyślności podkopuje zarówno zaufanie, jak i szacunek. Kiedy one znikną, niezdrowa więź (oparta na przeniesieniu) może nadal istnieć przez jakiś czas, ale zdrowa miłość nie.

Some relationships fall apart because people carelessly apply the idea that it’s healthy to argue and express oneself. This is basically true – but many people practice that idea without much responsibility and self-awareness. Thus what might have been a healthy discussion can easily become a power struggle full of criticism and blaming. Arguing and expressing yourself is healthy – providing you do it responsibly and thoughtfully. 

Niektórzy ludzie mogą utożsamiać pasję z napięciem emocjonalnym i dramatem. They might half-consciously provoke fights and insecurity to increase “passion”. They probably learned to associate emotional drama with love as young children, in their early families. If such people don’t put effort into resolving that pattern, they might find it very difficult to even be attracted to a healthy and responsible person. Thus achieving a quality relationship might be nearly impossible.

Miłość dla dorosłych

Infatuation doesn’t last forever, no matter how much we might hope so. But if you maintain trust and respect, infatuation will be replaced by a more stable and calm form of love. Healthy love usually does not bring so much intensity, ups and downs, butterflies in the stomach even at the very beginning, compared to infatuation based on childish transference. You might ask, does it mean that healthy love means less passion? You might perceive it that way if you confuse tension and drama with passion.

Healthy love does not include so much obsessiveness, idealizing, anxiety, relief and rapture at every sign of attention by a loved one, but that’s more than made up for by passion which is calmer, but deeper; by intymność wynikająca z wzajemnego uznania i zaufaniazamiast oszukiwania samego siebie i projekcji; a także poprzez utrzymywanie dobrych relacji z samym sobą.

Zdrowa pasja może rosnąć i pogłębiać się z czasem, tak jak partnerzy coraz więcej szans na zrozumienie i docenienie siebie nawzajem. Acknowledging our mistakes responsibly, calm and supportive reactions when the partner is emotionally overwhelmed, expressions of affection and attention … enable intimacy and respect to grow rather than decrease. Every time you express your opinion, disagreement or an objection thoughtfully and without criticism, every time you show you pay attention and think about what your partner says… you add another brick into the house of lasting love.

Mądre wybory

You shouldn’t take all the responsibility upon yourself, however. For your expressions of respect, understanding, and support to improve your relationship, your partner also needs to recognize them, appreciate them, and be motivated to reciprocate. Not all people are willing or able to do so. Here are some Kluczowe cechy osobowości, których należy szukać przy wyborze partnera (lub przy podejmowaniu decyzji o pozostaniu w związku):

• świadomość emocjonalna. People who are used to ignoring their own feelings won’t be able to distinguish which of them are healthy, and which are not, so they are likely to follow immature urges when those become strong enough.
• odpowiedzialność. Czy twój partner jest skłonny przyznać się do popełnionych błędów, przezwyciężyć niezdrowe popędy, rozpoznać wzorce, które musi zmienić i pracować nad ich zmianą?
• przemyślana komunikacja. Does your partner take care to choose appropriate words? Do they work on improving their communication, or do they believe it’s their god-given right to blurt out whatever they feel like, and if that feels hurtful, it’s your problem?
• empatia. Brak współczucia naturalnie prowadzi do bezmyślności, egoizmu i nieodpowiedzialności.

Jeśli ty i twój partner posiadacie te cechy, śmiem twierdzić, że prawie wszystkie inne różnice i nieporozumienia można rozwiązać. Jeśli jednak brakuje choćby jednej z tych cech, szansa na długotrwały, szczęśliwy związek jest niewielka. Kluczowym pytaniem jest, Jak silne są te cechy w człowieku? Nie możemy ich zmierzyć w żadnej znanej nam skali, a na początku może być nawet trudno je ocenić.

Sugeruję, abyś polegał na swoim instynkcie (a nie na swoich nadziejach), szukając możliwego braku tych cech, nie tylko w zachowaniu, ale także w rysach twarzy, słowach i gestach swojej miłości. Bądź przygotowany na to, że it might take quite a while to figure out someone’s faults, especially if you don’t yet live together.  Try not to fully commit to a relationship until you’ve spent at least one year living together – that is often (but not always) enough for masks to fall. Of course, by that time your partner might decide you lack some of those qualities, so it pays off to practice self-awareness.

* prognozy można zdefiniować jako postrzeganie nasz własny uczucia, intencje i cechy, rzeczywiste lub wyimaginowane, jako należące do ktoś inny.

Przeniesienie oznacza nieświadome postrzeganie kogoś przed sobą tak, jakby był ktoś inny – usually somebody important from your past – and react with similar feelings and behaviors as if that other person were there.

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