Question: I recently went through an unexpected breakup, and I’m finding it very hard to move on. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, and it feels like nothing makes sense without them. I know I need to heal, but I don’t even know where to start. How to overcome breakup? Can you help me get rid of this pain?
Answer:
If there’s one message I’d like to spread to the world, it’s that the more intense our emotions are, the more likely they originate from our childhood. This is especially important when people ask, “How to overcome breakup pain?”
Yes, the pain is real. It’s happening now. It may feel too overwhelming and persistent to believe it has roots in the past as well as the present. Yet, in my 20+ years of experience in psychological coaching, whenever someone struggles to move on from an ex, there is almost always a deeper, more existential trauma—often related to parental abandonment—at the core of their pain.
Parental abandonment doesn’t have to be physical, or even literal. It can stem from a mother returning to work after maternity leave, or a parent being hospitalized, for example. Babies can feel abandoned when their parents sleep in a different room and ignore their cries at night. A parent may be emotionally unavailable, critical, unpredictable, or dismissive. Any of these and similar experiences can be shocking for a sensitive child and leave a lasting imprint.
Small children cling to their parents for dear life. Anything that threatens that bond sends waves of shock and emotional pain through the child—it’s a survival mechanism. Intense emotional pain and the compulsion to do anything to restore the connection, including blaming and criticizing ourselves, are part of that mechanism. Any emotion that feels survival-related in childhood often remains etched in our subconscious mind.
As adults, we tend to feel the strongest romantic attraction toward people who unconsciously remind us of home, or who seem to offer the chance to heal what was missing in childhood (see: Patterns in Love Relationships). For most of us, there’s still an “inner child” seeking to have old emotional needs met.
When our “inner child” emotionally bonds with someone and that person leaves, old existential pain, fear, and self-doubt can resurface with full intensity. We may suddenly feel like life doesn’t make sense without them, as if there is no one else in the world who could ever replace them – which is exactly how a child feels about their parent. Of course, some of the pain comes from the present loss, but that pain would be much more grounded and bearable if it weren’t intertwined with unresolved childhood trauma.
So, knowing this, how to overcome breakup trauma? Here are some strategies that have worked for me and many others I’ve worked with:
1. Whenever the emotional pain flares up, remind yourself that it comes at least as much from your childhood as from the current situation (if not more).
2. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t give in to them, but observe and accept them with compassion. “What you resist, persists; what you accept, dissolves.” Acknowledging emotions helps you process them, while fighting them only makes them stronger.
3. Observe and verbalize the worst, most painful thoughts and impressions that come to your mind, regardless of how exaggerate and irrational they might be. Ask yourself: to which of your parents (or perhaps other early caregivers) might this be connected?
4. Take as much time as needed to love and comfort your inner child. Tell your inner child everything you would say to a good friend in a similar situation.
5. If your parents were generally well-meaning and compassionate, imagine them comforting your inner child too, giving the child love and appreciation in many ways.
6. If your parents were unhealthy, you can imagine different, healthier parents giving you love and support. Here is a guided exercise that can help you with this.
7. Now let’s focus on the future. Keep reminding yourself that in a few months, this pain will be behind you, and there will be plenty of other opportunities for happiness. When one door closes, many others open.
8. Remind yourself that good relationships don’t end; bad ones do. You are likely missing the illusion of your ex rather than who they really were. If they hadn’t left now, you might have just wasted more time and opportunities with them, and things could have gotten worse. Eventually, you would have gone through the same pain, so it’s better to face it sooner rather than later.
9. Ask yourself: what can I learn from this experience that will make my future relationship(s) better and healthier? Perhaps you’ll learn how to recognize red flags, communicate more effectively, or avoid being taken for granted. Write down as many lessons as you can and think about how to apply them in the future. If you can view this experience as something that will ultimately make your future better, you can be kinder to yourself and adopt a positive perspective.
10. Think about what you truly want in a partnership. Let your pain guide you toward understanding what you deeply long for and what truly matters to you in life. Envision a future relationship that fulfills your desires—better than the one that ended. Allow yourself to embrace this vision and get comfortable with it. Tell yourself that you deserve it. The better you can imagine a healthy relationship, the easier it will be to recognize it when you meet the right person.
I hope you’ll find this advice on how to overcome breakup helpful, and if you want to explore and resolve the roots of your childhood trauma and emotional patterns, our online coaching is designed for that!
Read more:
Patterns in Love Relationships
Turn Emotional Pain Into Passion And Inspiration
What Does Your Subconscious Believe About Love?
