恋愛関係のパターン

潜在意識と愛

大切な人を愛することを楽しんでいますか？一見逆説的だが、多くの人にとって恋愛は至福というよりむしろ苦痛の源である。という大人の関係は他にはない。 幼少期からのニーズ、刷り込み、信念の深さと強さ 意志の力にも合理的な視点にも抵抗する。

その説明は、私たちが愛おしいと呼ぶ感情の大部分は、未解決の内なる葛藤の基盤である、最も深い、最も古い記憶の浮上でしかないことを理解することにある。私たちは常に これらの対立の解決を求めてたとえ無意識であったとしても。

おそらくあなたは、たとえ問題があったとしても、自分が惹かれる特定のタイプの性格や行動があることを認識するだろう。おそらく、人生を通じて異なるパートナーの間で、外側の状況や行動が明らかに類似することはないだろうが、あなたはそのようなことを認識することができる。 内面的な感じ方と関係の発展の仕方で繰り返されるパターン.恋愛関係は、私たちの有害パターンの重要な引き金であると同時に、癒しのための最も重要な機会でもある。

恋に落ちる不健康なきっかけ

私たちが恋愛（正確には熱愛）と呼ぶ経験では、他の人間に対する健全な楽しみや評価が、転移や束縛と混ざり合っている。通常、そこには 不健康な3種類の債券.

最初 私たちの 幼少期からの潜在的な希望とニーズ, which can make us prone to idealize the other person, just as we idealized our parents when we were small children, hoping for happy, warm relationships which would give us security, protection and a sense of self-worth. Remember the feelings of hope and elation in the first stages of infatuation; the irrational feeling that you’ve finally found the person who can fulfill your deepest needs and make you feel accepted, loved and valuable. If you explore what details in the appearance and behavior of the other triggered that flood of emotions, you might be able to recognize a pattern and perhaps connect it to memories from your earliest years.

第2の結合方法 は 自分自身に対する有害で苦痛に満ちた信念を癒そうとする。一方 同じような状況で愛を得ようとする そのような信念は、どのような環境で作られたのだろうか。無意識のうちに、私たちは幼いころの家庭で親が作り上げたような雰囲気に惹かれ、その結果が潜在意識の中で完全に解決されることはなかった。私たちの中の子どもは、過去からの混乱や内面の葛藤を解決したいと願い、親に代わる愛する人を探す。

同じように、私たちは幼い頃、環境の反応によって自分を判断していた。 子供は親からのあらゆるシグナルに敏感である何が受け入れられ、何が期待されているのかを理解しようとし、痛みを伴う混乱した期待にさえ順応しようとする。

You can see many people who are otherwise smart, confident and able to recognize unhealthy and unbalanced behavior, suddenly becoming aware of every their word or move, anxiously trying to anticipate feelings and expectations of a single other person, starting to feel like their human worth, fulfillment and future happiness depend of a person who they don’t even know well enough.

Remember the feelings of irrational confusion, pain and reviewing your behavior because of some tiny little detail your beloved said or did, and you will have the idea about how you felt as a child in relation to your parents. I’m not saying that children feel like that all the time – 生まれつき敏感な子もいる than others, too – but keep in mind that there is a source of all of your emotions, and the source of many emotions that don’t seem to make sense is in our earliest years of life.

何度も we can’t recognize or remember how sensitive we were as children to our parents’ behavior, how dependent of them, how much we needed their love, approval and acceptance. These feelings are normally long forgotten, because they happened in an age in which individual identity, conscious memory and awareness, not to mention rational thinking, were not yet developed.

The more we grow up, the more realistic our perception of world (hopefully) is, so it’s more difficult to be overwhelmed with exaggerated hopes and expectations in adulthood than, for example, in adolescence. Still, in the right circumstances, if the right triggers come together in one person, the child parts of us wake up quickly and even mature people can find themselves overwhelmed with long forgotten emotions.

第3のボンド は attracted to behavior and emotional atmosphere that we learned to accept as normal and even „loving“ in our early family, even if painful. The most obvious example are abusive relationships. People who repeatedly enter abusive relationships, often say that they perceive healthy people and relationships as not passionate, not loving enough, even boring. It comes down to what we feel „at home“ with.

私たちの意識はいかにして騙されるのか

Some children, depending of their constitution and temper, within a particular type of family – often surrounded with exceptional and uninhibited violence and injustice, but still having some other people around who are models of healthy and loving behavior – might be able to recognize in quite an early age that violent behavior is not some strange way to love, or anything that can be justified with the child’s doing. Such people might start their search for a partner with a strong decision to find a person healthier and more mature than the parent(s), and they can be successful to some extent. Still, 最も古い時代に作られたパターン子供がそのような視点を持つようになる前、あるいは親とは別のアイデンティティを感じるようになる前も、非常に微妙な形で現れるかもしれないが、まだそこにいる。

例えば、不健康な家庭で育ったチェリーだが、攻撃的で人を操り、視野の狭い父親とは違う相手を選ぶという強い決断をした。彼女は穏やかで優しく、責任感があり、思慮深い男性を選んだ。しかし、結婚して何年も経ち、関係が日常に落ち着いてくると、夫の穏やかで繊細な外見には、幼少期からの深い罪悪感や羞恥心に基づく抑圧された感情が隠されていることが次第に明らかになってきた。

そのような感情から、彼女の夫は徐々に感情的に引きこもるようになり、親密さや明確なコミュニケーションを楽しむことができなくなり、衝突や誤解の場面では消極的な攻撃性を示すようになった。そのためチェリーは、たとえ公然と虐待的な関係を認識し避けることができたとしても、結局は、微妙な形ではあるが、幼少期からの感情を反映した関係に惹かれていたことを認めざるを得なかった。

Just like Cherry, many people have told us that they couldn’t recognize the similarities of their partners to their parents, not just in the beginning of the relationship, but during the first few years either. 不健康なパターンを長い間コントロールし、抑制できる人もいる。… as long as it takes for a relationship to enter routine, daily stress, careless communication and taking one another for granted. But once those patterns emerge, we can, almost without exception, recognize the types of behavior which hurt us in childhood.

“My parents spoiled me and gave me everything I wanted. I can’t possibly see how my (painful and abusive) partnership could have anything to do with them. (…) I remember saying to my partner, “私をここまで傷つけたのは、あなたと父だけだった！“
(顧客からの引用）

私たちは皆、無意識のうちに深い感受性を抱いているようだ。 親近感を引き起こす、ほとんど目に見えない微妙なシグナル and intimacy … even if all the outer, more visible signals indicate the opposite. This is probably the cause of the fact that, out of many people we meet, only rarely will somebody trigger an intense feeling of infatuation.

It’s only rarely that there is a 組み合わせ of potential partner’s qualities that we consciously desire and appreciate, behavior which triggers the hope that our deepest longings can be fulfilled, joined with tiny and almost invisible signals that some patterns complementary to ours can trigger the unpleasant memories to come out. That is the combination which triggers the most powerful infatuation and obsession with the other person.

環境はいかに私たちを形成したか

人間関係を形成する感情パターンや信念を作り出すには、3つの基本的な方法がある：

1) 保護者体験親が私たちに愛と健全な感謝の気持ちをもって接するか、支配的で屈辱的で攻撃的な態度で接するか。 当然かつ期待される to us, and we’ll probably start to 愛と結びつける. As small children, we’ll also create an impression that it is what we deserve. If a parent acts like a victim, needy or dependent (e.g. addictions), we might develop a deep urge to help him and thus deserve love. In that case, even as adults, we’ll still be attracted to people who seem to need help and sympathy. A big part of our intimate relationships might be described as subliminal 愛を得ようとする in circumstances similar as when we needed it most – in early childhood.

2. modelling and identifying with parents’ behavior そして生き方。子どもは親と同一化することで学び、親の性別役割、行動、信念、偏見を引き継ぐ。それは特に親密な関係において顕著となる。

3.両親の関係.親のあり方 あつかいあう and communicate to each other, words and idioms they use, the way they share (or don’t share) work and responsibilities… the younger we are, the more likely it is that we’ll accept it as normal. In our own misunderstandings and conflicts with our partners, it’s easy to automatically repeat our parents’ behavior and so create an atmosphere similar as in our early family. We might be so convinced such behavior is normal, that we might not even try to question or analyze our behavior.

一般的な 補完パターンの例 is an emotionally closed, cold man and emotionally hungry, demanding woman. This is partly based on gender differences, but unhealthy family patterns are of crucial importance. Most commonly, such a closed man grew up with a pushy or needy mother, whether she was controlling him or playing victim. He developed coldness and withdrawal as a defense, often following a role model of an emotionally distant father. Sometimes both parents might be needy, or the roles might be reversed. The female partner in this case most likely experienced growing up with a cold parent(s) who ignored her, often but not always father. Trying to get close to him and win his attention, she learned to use different approaches: trying to please him, crying, anger or complaints, sometimes manipulation and playing victim – 一番うまくいく方法、あるいは母親から観察した方法なら何でもいい例えば、こうだ。

引っ込み思案でよそよそしいパートナーは、父親にまつわる記憶や感情を引き起こす。 見捨てられ、無視され、価値がないと感じる。すると彼女は自動的に 彼女の子供っぽい反応を利用しようとする, first in a mild, then more intense way. Her partner’s own memories are then instantly triggered: a feeling that his boundaries are threatened, that he’s being used and manipulated and has nowhere to hide… except within. Add to that low quality communication by both partners, also learned in their families… and a vicious circle is started, that creates more and more stress, disappointment, anger and resentment. In the same time, such partners hope that the other will change, and feel childish feelings of being trapped, as well as fear of abandoning all hope for love if the relationship is ended.

残念ながらね、 ほとんどのカップルは、お互いの信頼関係が深く損なわれてから、助けを求め始める。 and motivation almost exhausted. Then even tiny details in the partner’s behavior remind the other partner of all the past frustration and resentment. To start again, to practice noticing and correcting unhealthy emotions and communication together, might be extremely difficult if partners don’t have patience left to allow each other to occasionally repeat old mistakes, while learning to communicate in new, unfamiliar ways.

一部 その他の例 幼稚な感情に基づく絆の

1. A woman attracted to a domineering, controlling man, who she perceives as strong, decisive and confident, just as she perceived her father who acted in a similar manner. Like she did as a child, she starts to hope that she will win and “earn” his attention and approval, becoming その希望で結ばれた. The man maybe had a mother who was childish or weak, and learned to perceive all women as such, probably following his father’s model. In the same time, he might feel deep attraction based on unconscious hope that the important woman will finally change, take responsibility and start giving him the kind of love and approval he really wanted.

2.   に惹かれる女性。 アンビバレント、予測不能 men who act gentle and warm in one moment, only to change into aggressive and arrogant in the next. Their unpleasant behavior reminds her of her childish feeling of not being worthy, but then she longs even more for the comfort and support she feels in the moments of the man’s pleasant and warm behavior. The man is likely to carry a deep インナーコンフリクト 人格の異なる部分と防衛機制の間の葛藤。例えば、健康的で温かい感情と、両親に対する怒りや憤りとの間の葛藤、あるいは、父親の前ではある役割を演じ、母親の前では別の役割を演じなければならないといったことである。このような葛藤は、合理化や意志の力、対外的な関係では解決できない。

3.  旺盛な男 罪悪感と自信喪失, who enters a relationship or even marriage mostly to avoid hurting the woman. Of course, such decisions make him feel even more bonded by guilt and suppressed resentment, instead of by love. He might hope for resolution and forgiveness. He might fall in love with another woman, who will trigger his hopes of love and bliss, but will feel too guilty to leave the current partner. His partner might be controlling and manipulative, out of early childish conclusion that she can’t earn or be given love, but has to control people to receive at least some kind of attention.

恋愛をしたことのある人なら誰でも、子供の頃の感情がどこまで深く、どこまで圧倒的で、どこまで理性的な議論や決断を回避するのかを経験する機会がある。もし今あなたがそのような関係にあるのなら、次のような絶好のチャンスがある。 子供のころに感じたことを思い出す そして、あなたはまだ何を内に秘めているのか。また、主にインナーチャイルドを癒し、自己愛を育み、質の高いコミュニケーションを学ぶことで、その感情を変えるチャンスでもある。 Under condition that you’re not abused合理的な判断だけで無理に関係を終わらせようとしない方がいいかもしれない。

If you end the relationship without resolving your emotional patterns first, it’s highly likely that you will 今後の人間関係で同じようなパターンを繰り返す.その代わりに、不健全なパートナーシップに惹かれる気持ちが弱まり、強い感情や心の葛藤を抱くことなく関係を終わらせることができるようになるまで、自分の感情やインナーチャイルドと向き合うことに集中しましょう。あるいは、あなたの行動が健全で成熟すればするほど、パートナーも同じように変化していくことに気づくだろう。

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