Most people enter marriage full of ideals of mutual love and respect “until death do us part” and happy, smart and cooperative children. Life, however, is not quite so tidy and organized, so it often faces us with challenges, as if saying, “Really? Well, let’s see how you cope with これ?”
Almost everybody who is in a long-term relationship or marriage, sooner or later feels tempted to end that relationship and perhaps start a new one. This is a situation that often causes political arguments. On one hand, people who feel a stable, long-term relationship as an important life value, might perceive their own (and others’) youthful decision in an overly absolute way, and judge themselves or others if they don’t stick to a badly informed decision to the end of their lives.
Religious people in particular can find themselves in a deep conflict between their values that require preservation of marriage, and the conclusion that they are married to an incompatible person, that they are not happy and they are not likely to ever be happy. Personally, I think it’s almost insane to expect young, inexperienced people, strongly influenced by hormones, popular culture and romantic dreams (not to mention 転移)、人生の最後まで貫けるような選択をすることだ。人生の他のどの分野でも、道理をわきまえた大人は若者が間違いを犯し、そこから学ぶことを期待している； 間違いは、最も早く、最も効率的な学習方法である。.にもかかわらず、若者はしばしば、人生で最も重要な人物を一度目から正しく選ぶか、あるいは無知で思慮に欠けた決断をいつまでも持ち続けることを期待される。
On the other hand, it’s fairly common that people end potentially great relationships and marriages because they are not ready to invest effort in them, or they expect the other person to make them happy without giving much in return. Besides, children are often involved, as well as the question of financial security (which is less important from an ethical perspective, but might be greatly relevant from the practical point of view).
相性については、理論的には、寛容さ、尊敬、責任感、健全なコミュニケーションを2人が示せば、ほとんどの人が相思相愛になれる。しかし現実には、どんなに強く愛を宣言しても、人は自分の行動パターンや未熟な反応、単純な習慣さえも諦めることはめったにない。 パートナーシップを築くには、愛だけでは不十分.これに非現実的な期待、幼稚な感情、生物学（これはそれ自体、非常に複雑な影響力を持つ）が加わると、巧みにナビゲートできる人はほとんどいないようなカオスになる。
Well-informed readers might say: why even defend the concept of marriage? Marriage was historically founded as an economic contract that controls people so that a family can increase material wealth and control who inherits it. Still, a stable family makes raising children easier, and many people do want to create a long-term relationship in which understanding, trust and respect would grow with time, rather than superficial short-term ones. When I talk about marriage, I have in mind such a quality long-term relationship, regardless if it’s “legalized” or not.
この記事の目的は、最終的な結論を出すことではない。 I don’t believe in simplifying life and forcing everyone into a same box. Yet I think it’s important to approach this question from different points of view, so that some people might be helped in their decision making – or, even better, in preventing disappointments.
“Love is a decision, not an emotion”
Love is a particularly abstract word. It can include a variety of feelings, some superficial and based on hormones and projections, some based on one’s relationship with parents, and some deeper and more realistic. The concept if love is often twisted and manipulated in many ways. Most types of love include some kind of need or yearning, a pleasant expectation of receiving something that was missing in our lives. Such love usually dissipates with time.
すべての混乱と失望が、愛に対する哲学的なアプローチを採用させる。 日々の努力や行動に反映される、意識的な選択.この哲学には、どんな誘惑や状況が起ころうとも、一人の人と添い遂げ、不幸や不満があっても、その関係に人生を捧げるべきだという考え方が含まれることがある。その考え方とは どのような関係においても、不幸やフラストレーションは起こりうる。一人の人と一緒にいれば、少なくともその関係を常に深め、改善し、新たなレベルの学びと信頼を見出すチャンスがある。
This is all beautiful and true – in some circumstances and for some people. Usually in ideal circumstances, when both people are at least moderately compatible, considerate and well-meaning. If a relationship is basically good, people can suppress and reject superficial desires and urges in favor of more important values their primary relationship fulfills. But what if such a choice demands suppression of deep, essential needs and values? What if all that effort and investment results in disappointment over and over again? With time, this will result in either depression, or bitterness, occasional explosions, or physical disease. Sometimes accumulated frustration can be expressed in indirect ways, for example towards children.
Love could be described as a feeling of fulfillment, happiness, integrity, or perhaps as a desire for the other person to be happy. The latter is actually one of the better definitions, but countless testimonies I’ve heard show that 他人を幸せで健康にすることはできない, if they don’t take that responsibility in their own hands, and especially if you do it at the expense of your own integrity and values. That would mean taking a parental role towards your partner, which damages not just the giver, but the receiver too. You cannot learn people’s lessons instead of them.
もし、そう選んだからといって誰かを愛することがそんなに簡単なことなら、理屈の上では、私たちはランダムに選ばれたほとんどの通行人と幸せになれるはずだ。生物学やホルモン、幼少期の印象を無視したとしても（いずれにせよ、私たちはほとんどの場合、それらの影響と戦っている）、次のような疑問が残る。 互換性知性、感情、欲望、ニーズ、価値観の両立（参照）： 価値観と個人的特徴).小さな相性の悪さや失望でも、何年も経てば内面に蓄積され、煮詰まるものだ。
偶数 生物学的不適合 can be detrimental to a relationship: some people might be anxious and sensitive to stress while others seek excitement and risk; some people might be very physical while others live in their minds, some people can be emotionally sensitive and very empathetic, while others can lack either or both. Deep understanding and companionship is very difficult to achieve in such circumstances. And we didn’t even start on all the emotional and behavioral patterns people learn in childhood.
確かに、感情は不安定で短命であり、生物学や幼少期の記憶（これは多くの人が思っている以上に強力だ）に影響される。 私たちは自分の感情を選ぶことができるのだろうか？ Considering that emotions are created in the subconscious mind, I’d say that you don’t choose what you feel; what you can choose is how you will respond 自分の感情と、その感情を使って何をするか。私の提案は、極端ではなくバランスを求めることだ。それぞれの内なる声が何を言っているのか、なぜ言っているのか、そしてそのどれに従う価値があるのか、一時的ではなく長期的に何を望んでいるのかを探ることだ。
Reality is rarely so poetic and inspired as idealism, but in the end few people manage to escape it. It’s rare that people give up on such a long-term effort such as marriage for no good reason. In the background of divorce there are usually years of suffering and sacrifice that an external observer wouldn’t notice.
このセクションの冒頭で述べた素晴らしい哲学は、双方の成熟、責任、努力を前提としている。現実はしばしば異なるものであり、多くの人々は未熟で、協力したり変化したりすることに消極的である。 私たちの選択や努力が自動的に関係を深めるわけではないが、相手がそれを評価し、同じような反応をしてくれたときの充実感がそうさせるのだ。 関係が深まり、成長しなければ、それは愛と呼べるのだろうか？何年も愛情を持って責任ある努力をしてきたにもかかわらず、無視され、見放され、利用され、虐待されたと感じた場合、理屈のためにその人の幸福を否定するのは公平だろうか？
Besides, why would stability be more important than compatibility? Why would a relationship have to be “poisoned” with the idea that perhaps it won’t last? Why should we have to bond someone to us till the end of our lives? There are relationships that can grow till the end of the couple’s lives, and there are those who cannot last that long, but can be deep and fulfilling for some time. Why not end them with love and respect while we still can? 人間関係の質は、それがどれだけ長く続くかで測られるとは限らない。 人はそれぞれ違うし、人生は複雑だ。
We shouldn’t ignore our biological and psychological makeup, either. More than anything, as I wrote in the article “情熱を失わない方法“, 私たちの脳は、安定し、期待されていると認識したものには重きを置かないようにできている。, to make place for learning new things and accessing our environment for potential danger. And what is marriage than a promise that a relationship will be stable and expected, under control? Even the best among us cannot avoid the fact that our brains simply file the expected into “low priority”, even if it’s a human being important to us. That’s simply our biology that helped us survive, no matter how much it goes against our relationship ideals.
Therefore, wouldn’t it be more stimulating for our long term relationships if we had a culture that taught us nobody really belongs to another and nobody owes emotions to another? That respecting someone’s freedom (and our own) is more important than trying to bind them? That 安全よりも挑戦による成長が重要?
The fact is – again because of our biological heritage that urges us to conserve energy – 安定と幸福が人を成長させる動機になることはほとんどない. Most commonly, it’s crises and problems that motivate people to grow – and which way they will grow, depends of their willingness to learn. You can read more about this in the article “心の痛みを情熱とひらめきに変える“. Why not then prevent crises by willingly allowing more challenge and unattachment in our relationships? 逆説的だが、それが彼らをより強くする可能性もある。
To go back to integrity and important life values: if our essential values and needs are not fulfilled within a relationship, what can claim more importance? For some people, religious values can have priority over personal values. This is OK if you so choose, but it doesn’t mean that different values are less respectable. Some people choose their values not on the basis of religion, but years of experience, thought, exploration and observing consequences.
個人的な幸福を求めてもいいのか？
Here’s an interesting quote:
“Marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.” (セス・アダム・スミス)
これは美しく、ほとんど神聖に聞こえる。しかし、これは極端に押し込められた美しい考えであり、極端はどんなに美しく聞こえようとも決して健全ではない。歴史的に見れば、共産主義もキリスト教も、この2つだけを挙げるなら、とてもうまく示している。
Did you ever try denying your feelings, needs and happiness not only for days or weeks, but years and years? You might have felt how stressful, energy-sapping, life-denying that feels. Whoever believes that people “should” be happy sacrificing for others and ignoring lack of fulfillment and lack of balance obviously never even came close to experiencing it (or is very skillful in lying to themselves).
This quote still suggests that in some way you’d be able to experience meaning, fulfillment and some sort of pleasure, even if only in fulfilling your own ideals. But what if the other person is not really a good partner for you? What if, in spite of your efforts and sacrifice, things are getting worse and worse? What if, with time, you and your partner have simply developed in different directions? We’ve seen plenty times in history how oversimplified, unrealistic attempts to achieve perfection turn into rigid hypocrisy and suffering.
There are plenty of people who perceive others’ efforts and idealism as a weakness to be exploited, as in business, so in relationships. There are even more people who are simply not a good match to you, whether emotionally, intellectually, or at the level of life values. How long can you tolerate it? What’s the point of life without joy? How long can you suppress your emotions, without them bursting out in other ways: through manipulation, passive aggression, depression or disease?
また 子供たちにどのような模範を示したいですか？ あなたは彼らに同じような生き方を望むだろうか？どんな犠牲を払っても結婚を守ることは、歴史上、社会をより安定させることで生存を確保する方法だったが、今ではもう生存は脅かされていない（少なくとも伝統的な方法では）。生存の伝統が過度に単純化された教義になると、偽善、微妙な暴力、不幸な子供たちを引き起こす。(もう少し下で、子供たちへの影響にもう少し焦点を当てる）。
幸福を求める人間の欲求を擁護しなければならないのは、奇妙なことのように思える。私たちは人間でありながら、そのような人間の本質の基本的な部分をないがしろにしていいのだろうか？それでも歴史を通じて、幸福は共同体の存続を優先して嫌われてきたし、今でも多くの人々が複雑さやバランスよりも、極端で単純化されすぎた信念や理想を好む。
愛か義務か？
So, in a case where happiness in a relationship is not achievable, is the purpose of marriage happiness (love), or duty? I guess everybody chooses for themselves; what I don’t like is judging other people according to rigid beliefs, if we didn’t experience how it feels to be them. Life is already hard enough; to be a good parent, employer/employee and similar we already need to sacrifice a lot; do we have to judge people who don’t want to give up every chance for happiness?
おそらく、この文脈における私たちの社会の重要な過ちは、次のようなものだろう。 結婚における愛と幸福の理想を掲げて子供や若者を育てながら、後になって義務の理想を押し付けて結婚生活を続けさせる。.たとえ不幸であっても、犠牲と忍耐という理想のために結婚生活を続ける人がいるとしたら、それは本当に愛と呼べるのだろうか？義務という言葉の方がずっと適切だろう。
もし、結婚の目的が義務であるとするならば（ある共同体や個人にとってはそうである）、次のようになる。 結婚は義務として結ばれた社会契約であり、愛ではないことを、子どもたちに最初から教えるべきである。. Then young people could be aware of what choice are they making and decide if that’s what they want, and if yes, when. But if this was common, much less people would decide to get married, which would endanger tradition and tribal instincts which still guide many if not most people. That’s why マス・マニピュレーション は社会的に受け入れられ、大切にさえされている。
Healthy and responsible parents can raise happy and secure children even if they don’t live together. We could discuss what has worse consequences for children: divorce or living with parents who are unhappy, perhaps fighting, ignoring or humiliating each other all the time? In both cases, children face pain, that’s inevitable (and perhaps even better for them than being overly protected from challenges (see: 子供たちには挑戦が必要だ). Quite a few clients have told me they used to wish their parents would divorce rather than stay together “for the sake of children” and fight or ignore each other. If parents can be supportive and guide children through the short-term pain, they will do them a much bigger favor than through pretense and sacrificing their own happiness (which can also cause children to live with the burden of guilt).
独立
Many relationships become unhealthy because people expect to receive happiness and fulfillment from the other person, rather than taking responsibility for creating it themselves. That leads to mutual dependence – symbiosis – and often to manipulation, too.
結婚生活における義務感は、しばしば相手が精神的あるいは経済的に自分たちに依存しているという印象から生じる。子どもに関しては、これは正しい、 it’s not healthy for adult people.それでもなお、子供や若者たちは、たとえば女性は男性に経済的に依存すべきだという教えを微妙に教え込まれていることが多い。さらに、女性の仕事や知性を男性より低く評価する社会や、小さな子どもを持つ親、特にシングルマザーに対する社会的支援の欠如も、このような状況を助長している。
さらに、多くの人々は、直接的または間接的に、結婚の安定に精神的な依存を感じるように教えられている。これは、結婚が幸福ではなく義務から守られているという状況を招きかねない。次に、一部の人々や地域社会が行っていることだが、義務を第一に考え、個人の感情は無視する（これは理想主義が不均衡をもたらす例である）。このような人々は、他人を支え、家族のために自分を犠牲にし、一時的な感情よりも安定した家庭を大切にするという理想を本当に生きたいと思っているのかもしれない。それがより成熟した合理的な選択であることもある。しかし、常にそうなのだろうか？
I’d say an ideal relationship is the one in which 自分の幸せは自分で決める and respect their partner as an independent individual who doesn’t owe them anything (because they both invest into the relationship equally), rather than perceiving the partner as some kind of personal property. Such a person would not feel good about trying to keep somebody around who would be happier somewhere else. “But you 約束した!…” is an attitude of a victim, not a strong adult. As for children, healthy and responsible adults are willing to take responsibility for their balanced upbringing, regardless whether they live together or not.
Generally, it’s important for every relationship that individuals preserve their emotional and material independence, that they communicate clearly, have firm boundaries and have their own interests outside the relationship. 義務感ほど情熱を殺すものはないつまり、パートナーが自分次第だという感覚だ。変化し、成長する自立したパートナー、そして絆を感じるためではなく、自ら望んであなたと一緒にいるパートナーほど、情熱を高めてくれるものはない。あなたはそのようなパートナーになれるだろうか？誰かにそれを求めるのではなく、自分で作り出す熱意や活気がありますか？
安定への欲求と変化への欲求の本質的な違い
強い刺激を好み、飽きやすく、アドレナリンを必要とする人もいる。 This can show in their close relationships, too. Sometimes this can be learned in childhood, but it’s quite easily possible that such traits are the consequence of human 生物学的多様性.進化論的な観点から言えば、人類はリスクや興奮、変化を好む人口を必要としている。これとは別の貢献として、人類は平和や安定、さらには日常を楽しむ人々も必要としている。
あなたがリスクや変化を楽しむ人でありながら、長期的な関係の理想を信じている場合、特に強い倫理的・感情的葛藤を感じることがある。あなたの価値観はひとつのことを言っているのに、全身が別の方向に引っ張られる。これに何年も、あるいは一生抵抗できるでしょうか？
Ideally, you’d recognize your nature on time, while you are not yet committed to a stable relationship. Then you can be more honest to yourself and other people, too. Perhaps you’ll come to the conclusion that traditional forms of relationships are not for you. This is all right, if you can clearly, honestly and timely explain this to potential partners.
The worth of a relationship is not necessarily in its length. Some people can learn and create most through the depth of long-term relationships, and others through exploring and new experiences. We don’t all have to be similar. It’s important to come to terms with what you want and to be honest to others from the very beginning.
(Also, do not lead them on if they are not into the same kind of relationship as you are. A client told me a few weeks back, “Some men think that if they say, “I don’t want commitment”, it gives them license to act however they want”. If you don’t want commitment with someone who does, it’s only ethical to back off. End of story.)
また、次のようなことも考慮してほしい。 他の方法で人生に変化をもたらす instead of changing partners. Perhaps through entrepreneurship, traveling, active hobbies and other forms of new activities? If you find a partner who is also open to change and exploration, the relationship doesn’t have to become routine. It’s particularly important that a partner is emotionally independent – a needy partner who wants you to make them feel safe is not likely to remain stimulating and challenging. When you look for a partner, keep this in mind, as well as the need for honesty.
Perhaps in this case you and your partner can agree to not live together, perhaps see each other on weekends or simply live separately and spend time together whenever you both wish. If you don’t plan children, this would prevent the routine you find so intolerable. Again, this decision needs to be done with respect and consideration for both sides.
結論
I don’t believe in forcing people and relationships into rigid boxes. I believe in diversity, as long as it’s honest, well-meaning and considerate. When you have to make a 難しい決断, it’s primarily important to be honest to both yourself and others, and to learn to distinguish healthy emotional urges from unhealthy and immature ones. Recognize also that few decisions are entirely without some unwanted consequences, so you need to be ready to deal with them.
Just because we might be in committed relationships, our hormones and childish emotional patterns won’t go to sleep. Worse, once a relationship feels safe and reliable, our hormones can make us seek new forms of excitement, while childish parts of our subconscious minds can easily wake up if a new person comes around who reminds us of our unfulfilled needs from childhood. Then intense emotions can easily bring us to idealize the new person and believe them a better match than the current partner, even if the partner is emotionally more mature and invests more effort into the relationship.
自分の感情が、どの程度までホルモンや子供じみた希望の結果であるように見えるか、注意深く考えてみよう。, and how well do you realistically know your new crush. Do you take your current partner for granted and did you neglect your own efforts? It’s likely that you will repeat that in your next relationship, and next, which might end up in a string of disappointments. On the other hand, it is possible that you have matured, and the new person might realistically be a better match to your essential values and healthy criteria. But be honest to yourself and listen to any warning signal you might feel.
If your committed partnership is in crisis, first consider if you put enough effort in it, or do you expect to be comfortable without work? Do you give love to your partner in the ways they want to receive it, or do you insist on doing it only in the ways you like? Is your communication honest and does it reach deeper than surface, or do you avoid opening up so that you’d appear stronger and in the right?
If frustration and disappointments in a relationship are superficial and short-term, while mutual respect and efforts are there, then it’s definitely a good idea to stay in the relationship and focus on improving it further. But if your whole body keeps telling you that you betray your values by staying in a relationship, then pay attention. There is time to invest into a relationship, and there is time to acknowledge your boundaries.
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