恋愛相手が親代わりだとどうなるか？

パートナーを変えようとする

When I work with couples (and individuals, too), in their bitter criticisms of their partners I can often guess what a person wanted to say to their parents, but for whatever reasons couldn’t or didn’t dare. (Sometimes I can literally see their eyes lose focus, as if they don’t really see the person in front of them anymore.) With at least 95% of people I work with, the 接続 大人になってからの親密なパートナーシップと、子供時代の条件付けとの関係は、すぐに明らかになる。そのようなパターンのひとつが 問題のある親が変わらなかったように、パートナーが変わることを望む.これは交際の初期段階ですでにはっきりしていることもあるが、数カ月後、あるいは数年後に明らかになることが多い。

そのような希望を抱くことで、自己犠牲と苦しみを強いられながら、質の低い関係を長く続ける人もいる。また、相手を変えさせようと、非難し、罰し、卑下し、虐待さえし続ける人もいるかもしれない。どのようなアプローチを選択するかは、主に以下によって決まる。 幼少期の家庭で学んだ生存戦略、親の役割モデル通常は同性の親であるが、必ずしもそうではない。相手が親と似ていると感じることは、しばしば以下のような結果をもたらす。 あくしん (projection of resentment against parents), which is often a “killer” of intimacy. This easily happens even when the partner’s faults are small and unconscious, such as forgetting things, not answering a text message quickly enough, different level of tolerance to mess and similar).

When something in a partner’s behavior triggers childhood memories (“age regression”), few people are able to recognize what happened, even when they are theoretically aware of such a possibility. The most obvious signal of childish emotions being triggered is 異常な反応の強さ. So if you feel intense anger, followed by mental accusations of your partner, I suggest you consider if such a reaction might be at least partly related to something in your past (even if the partner’s present behavior might be realistically irritating, adult irritation would usually still be milder).

Since unresolved emotions related to parents are usually based on some form of belief of one’s own inadequacy, rejection-related trauma, not being loved and similar, trying to change a partner is basically 最終的に承認、承認、評価を得ようと努力する。. Such a hope is an intense motivation, which keeps many people bonded to incompatible or unhealthy relationships. Yet even is such a hope is fulfilled, external experiences usually don’t reach the subconscious mind (“inner child”), emotions from the past are left unresolved and can erupt again at any new provocation.

過大な期待

If a person didn’t have a chance as a child to learn to value balanced responsibility, or to be self-reliant, they can 親密なパートナーシップは、自分自身の責任の一部を放棄するチャンスであると認識する。.それは自分の感情に対する責任かもしれないし、実際的な雑用に対する責任かもしれない。そのような人は、パートナーを自分に必要なものを与えてくれる存在とみなすことができるが、遅かれ早かれ、パートナーは召使いの役割に成り下がったと感じるようになる。

If an emotional bond is based on childish emotions, one can perceive it as natural that a partner should be perfect, understanding, love and give unconditionally – which is actually 普通の親子関係.パートナーが自分自身のニーズ、期待、要求を持っていることが判明した場合、そのような人は傷つき、何らかの形で裏切られたとさえ感じ、それに応じて反応することができる。 パートナーが親代わりであればあるほど、私たちは彼らが不完全であり、彼ら自身のアイデンティティを持つことを許さなくなる。 その結果は容易に予測できるし、多くの人がそれを実践している。

ネグレクトに続くパニック

親、特に主たる養育者（通常は母親）と一緒にいる小さな子供を観察すると、すべてが正常である限り、私たちはそれを見ることができる、 子供は親を当然と思い、自分の欲望や欲求に集中する。. However, as soon as the relationship with mother is in serious danger – the mother is for whatever reason unavailable (i.e. illness, long working hours, emotional coldness, and for babies even mother being out of sight can be enough), a child usually starts to panic, crying, screaming, while slightly older children might try apologizing and promising they will be good from now on, whatever the cause for the mother’s absence might be. Yet as a safe routine is again established, the child usually forgets their panic and turns back to their own interests.

Emotionally immature adults often show a similar pattern of behavior: taking the partner for granted until the partner announces they had enough; after that panicking, apologies, promising the world, bringing stars from the sky and such ensues – but when the relationship is back to normal, they start to ignore their partner’s needs again (which often includes demeaning, abusing and cheating on them). In the stage of panic and regret, such a person can be genuine and very convincing, and keep pulling the partner in an 希望と失望の繰り返し.そのようなパートナーは、無責任な親との希望と失望を交互に繰り返した幼少期の記憶を、自分自身の記憶として蘇らせ続けているのだと推測できる。 不健全なもつれは通常、相互的なものである.

The more responsible person in such a relationship usually has a vision of how nice the relationship could be with mutual respect, consideration and understanding. They believe their partner must be aware of it too, or at least it shouldn’t be so difficult to make them aware, and that the solution only requires some reasonable conversation and sharing perspectives. Yet, as people are emotional rather than rational beings, if the partner has a strong need to avoid responsibility, 推論も説明も意味がない… just as nothing made a difference with an irresponsible parent (but the child kept hoping, because they couldn’t imagine to lose hope).

無責任なパートナーが変わるには、次のようなことに取り組む必要がある。 人生の本質的な価値観の一部を変える, which rarely happens in normal conditions. People usually need to experience significant suffering as a result of their life decisions, to truly understand that their old value systems damage rather than help them. Some people don’t change their values even if such a thing happens. Therefore my recommendation to the partner of such a person is to primarily focus on changing their own emotional conditioning which keeps them bonded to such a relationship, rather than hoping that their partner would change.

Why constructive communication sometimes doesn’t work?

While this type of pattern by itself is not related to gender, and specific family circumstances might change things greatly, traditional upbringing tends to give much more freedom to boys, often allowing them (and sometimes even encouraging them) to not show significant responsibility or consideration for others. On top of that, children often idealize the parent who has more freedom and spends more time away from the family (usually the father in traditional societies), while taking for granted or even resenting the parent who spends time with them, makes demands, gives criticisms and imposes limitations, therefore usually the mother (just as it’s otherwise a part of human nature to appreciate what is scarce and unavailable, while taking for granted what we already have).

その上、母親がしつけをする際に毅然とした態度と一貫性が不十分であれば（これは珍しいことではないが）、子どもはやがて母親の要求や警告を無視するようになり、母親が本気で怒り出し、脅しを現実のものにしようとするまで学習してしまう。そうなると 異性の親との関係は、恋愛相手との関係に反映されることが多い, such a child can grow into a person who in time falls into the habit of ignoring and not taking seriously their partner’s requests, needs and pleas, just as they were used to do with the mother … until the partner becomes seriously angry.

このパターンは簡単にできる。 無意識的そのため、利己的で攻撃的な性格の人だけでなく、温厚で善意的な性格の人にも現れることがある。そのような人は、わざとではなく、単にその習慣が深く根付いているために、穏やかで友好的な苦情や要求を無視することができる。

これは、パートナーにとって非常に混乱することであり、パートナーは結局、このような事態に陥ってしまう。 非建設的な批判や非難にますます頼るようになる, such as they probably heard from their own parents. This can trigger childhood memories and childish emotions (age regression) in the unconsciously neglectful person, who might react with defensive strategies: anger and blaming in return. (Their children can easily soak up such behavior through the process of learning through imitation.) It’s not surprising that so many promising relationships end up in mutual disappointment and blame.

情熱の喪失

Romantic “chemistry” is greatly based on unconscious hope of resolving unfulfilled emotional needs from childhood, as well as on the childish idealization of the person who in our mind is a parent replacement. But once routine takes over and childhood needs are not resolved (not even the most perfect partner can heal someone’s childhood wounds, because external influences are simply not enough), the idealizing stops and childish hopes become dormant again, then the unpleasant sides of the transference start to show. 

親との関係からくる不快な感情をパートナーに投影する（前述のとおり）ことに加え、恋愛感情や性的魅力が突然失われることもよくある。親を思い出させる人がいれば、その人に対して性的な感情を抱くことが、近親相姦的で不快に感じられるようになるのは理にかなっている。幼稚な感情パターンを互いに引き起こし、親から学んだ防衛戦略やコミュニケーション習慣に頼れば頼るほど、否定的な転移は強くなり、ロマンチックな情熱は薄れていく。 

In spite of all the conflicts, such partners can feel unhealthily bonded to each other, because leaving such a partner might unconsciously feel like losing a parent (and there might be other circumstances that might make separation difficult). Feeling that the situation is hopeless and there is no way out, some people give up on hope and give in to lifeless, robotic routine. Other people might seek relief in affairs and adventures. Looking from the outside, it can be obvious that healthier solutions are possible, but for such entangled people to recognize them, they should first be willing to look deep inside themselves – which many people are afraid of, or are not even aware it’s needed. 

異性への嫌悪

人々が幼児期の両親との体験に基づいて最高神像を形成するように（これは様々な宗教で容易に認識できる）、他者に対する期待もまた両親との体験に基づいている。多くの場合、女性に対する期待は母親との体験に基づいており、男性に対する期待は父親との体験に基づいている。しかし、異性に対する否定的な偏見は、たいていの人が自分が属する集団に対して一般化しにくいことを考えると、通常より顕著である。

幼児期に学ぶ偏見や一般化は、時にあきらめるのが難しく、誇張されたものだと認識することさえ難しい。 信念が無意識のうちに生存に役立っていると認識されている場合、それを疑って変えようとすると、実存的な恐怖を引き起こす可能性がある。 (無意識であることも多い）。
(Another type of fear that comes out when changing emotional habits from childhood, is fear os somehow “betraying” one’s own family or losing one’s place within the family. This is, for example, one of the reasons why people hold on to their religious beliefs in spite of all evidence. Resolving such fears is also a part of our method.)

All in all, if bad experiences with a parent create a negative perception of one’s partner’s gender, this will inevitably influence one’s romantic relationships. Then it’s very easy to perceive everything a partner (or anybody of their gender) does in the worst possible light and presume the worst intentions. Web-communities in which such opinions and “proofs” for them are exchanged keep growing and gaining influence. As a result, usually the people who least deserve or expect it – including children – suffer the most consequences.

It’s almost impossible to not have some prejudice, as our brains are instinctively prone to 世界を単純化しすぎる, but many people manage to keep their prejudice under control and don’t let them influence their behavior. (I want to mention here that some people come to me because they are worried they are bad people because of occasional mean and violent thoughts. Such thoughts alone don’t make you a bad person; they are a normal part of human experience. What matters is what you decide to do about them – and this can also be changed.) However, people who often feel a need to express their hatred for the opposite gender, are usually those whose かくれふがいなさ is so intense that they feel they can only find some personal worth and power in belonging to their own gender – i.e. something that is not the result of their own efforts and abilities. People who carry such a feeling of inadequacy can easily be tempted to compensate for it by abusing others, and the partner is usually the easiest victim. This is not likely to be changed by and kind of logical reasoning or persuasion, if such a person doesn’t have internal motivation to change.

新コーチ・トレーニングは2025年4月26日（中央ヨーロッパ時間）にスタートします。 詳細はこちら

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