情熱を失わない方法

愛が返されたときに感じるエクスタシーは、その愛に大きく依存している。 自分が完全に受け入れられ、承認され、ありのままの自分でいることが自由であると感じる。. This is what, as children, we needed most from our parents, but rarely received, whether due to parents’ lack of communication skills, lack of time, normal adult – child conflicts, or other circumstances. The longing for that absolute, unconditional acceptance 保護者別 後に ロマンチックな恋に感じる憧れの核心.この感覚をできるだけ多く得て、それを持続させたい。 

新しい関係を築き始めたばかりのころは、自分が愛されている、ありのままの自分を認めてもらえているという感覚が、他のすべてを後景に押しやってしまう。しかし時が経つにつれ、誤解や衝突、相容れなさが積み重なり、私たちが切望するこの感覚は消えていく。 じわじわと.パートナーに思いやりやコミュニケーション能力が欠けていれば、このプロセスはより早く進む。で 虐待的関係しかしこれは、多くの傷跡を残し、高い代償を要求する不健康な情熱である。あなたがそのような関係にないことを祈る。

しかし、たとえ善意であったとしても、交際中のほとんどの人は、やがて自分自身が十分に評価されておらず、本当に理解されていないと感じるようになる。本来の憧れを満たしてくれるような新しい関係を夢見始めたり、必要な愛情の代用品として子どもを重視したり（親が必要な存在であれば、これも健全ではない）、希望を失って冴えない結婚生活に身を委ねたりするかもしれない。自分を無条件に受け入れてくれないパートナーに憤慨し、その事実を認めないかもしれない。 パートナーは親ではない, and they have the right to some expectations, needs and conditions. Yet, it’s a good idea to give your partner as much understanding and acceptance as you can, as long as it doesn’t mean neglecting your own needs and boundaries. 

交際から数年経つと、たいていのカップルは次のことを始める。 一人腹 そして小さなことをやめる これは、交際の初期段階において、パートナーが評価され、承認されていると感じるのに役立った。このようなことをできるだけ避けるにはどうしたらいいだろうか？(ここでの私のアドバイスは、あなた方二人が責任感があり、無欲で、善意を持っていることを前提としています。そうでなければ、少なくともどちらかが時間を無駄にしていることになります)。

そもそも、できるだけ最初の頃のように相手のことを考えるように気をつけよう： 相手の欠点を思いやる。 which do not burden or threaten you. If you feel some parts of the partner’s behavior upsetting, consider if those are irrelevant details that just remind you of your earlier unpleasant experiences, or is it true irresponsibility and neglect.

どのようにパートナーに示すことができるかを考える 承認と深い理解. Listen carefully to what they say and perhaps for the things they don’t quite say. Imagine how they feel and what they long to hear. Communicate from your heart rather than from your old, automated habits. Show interest and ask relevant questions. Be sure to show you appreciate your partner’s efforts and express your feelings verbally and non-verbally. Also, take care to be genuine when doing these things; doing them as a chore would feel more manipulative than anything. 

個性と自由を保つ

Now, some people claim that if you are “too good” to your partner, (s)he will not appreciate you and will go on looking for some “jerk” or “bitch”. This can happen in two cases: 

• 恋に落ちる相手として未熟な人を選んでいるか（それは、あなた自身に基づいているかもしれない。 幼少体験または
• you don’t take care to 自分の個性、アイデンティティ、自尊心、境界線を守る in a relationship. A strong, independent person with their own goals in life is an attractive person. Don’t try to be like Siamese twins with your partner. Passion is built on respect and admiration too; codependency and trying to please too hard indicate lack of self-esteem and are not attractive. 

It’s in human nature to not appreciate what is predictable and safe.長い間欲しいと思っていたものが、手に入れた数日後、あるいは数週間後にはその魅力が失われていた、という経験があるだろう。私たち人間にとって、手に入るものが少なければ少ないほど、そのありがたみが増す傾向がある。 予測不可能なこと、不安なこと、離れている時間があることで、お互いが当たり前だと思うことができない。 and reminds us of the importance of the relationship.  I don’t condone playing manipulative games, but true, authentic independence and a wide scope in life. 

• It can feel counter-intuitive, but it’s real – some freedom and possibility of choice makes a relationship more stable and intense, not less. It motivates people to keep investing in it. Children of such a couple can therefore receive more real safety, as well as better role models. 

That’s why I generally wouldn’t recommend marriage. While I believe in and live the quality of a long-term monogamous relationship, when I was still a child of 10 or so I decided I wouldn’t ever get married, as I’ve already seen how easy it is for married people to take each other for granted. Years of experience working with people and their relationships only confirmed that conclusion. 結婚とは要するに支配の約束である: control over life, control over emotions, control over choice. What we feel is under control, we can easily label as “low priority” in our minds.  

• I’m not saying it’s wise to change partners and not take relationships seriously – that would be shallow and you’d lose the chance of experiencing the deep connection and understanding most people long for. But you can preserve your individuality and sense of freedom even in a stable relationship. For example, continue to practice your hobbies independently, go out with your friends, keep challenging yourself and trying new things. Occasional periods of separation such as separate holidays usually remind us to appreciate each other. Being able to say no, to keep your dignity in a conflict, to negotiate in healthy ways, make your decisions and keep them, are the signs of a strong character. On the other hand, nagging, accusation, yelling and insults are expression of feeling helpless, feeling you depend of the other person to change so that you can feel good.  

  I know that this kind of relationship is not so easy to create, either because of social pressure, or financial obstacles. But at least do your best in that direction, and it will mean a lot. Start to save for your financial independence as soon as starting your adult life if you can, so that you’s never feel dependent of someone else. 

   

ホルモンを分泌させ続ける

Besides out of respect and delight with a partner’s qualities, the passion in a relationship stems from アトラクション.このような魅力は失われがちである。 出産後: the woman will then usually focus on children, and even if she tries to be attentive to her partner too, she will often be too tired and lack focus to succeed. In the first few years of a child’s life, you might need to accept the fact that you don’t have too much time for each other anymore. But as soon as the child becomes more independent, it’s important for parents to start putting effort in their relationship again. Keeping the sexual attraction alive, often means encouraging the man to feel masculine, and the woman to feel feminine, in the same time avoiding rigid and burdensome prejudice.

多くの男性は特にそう感じている。 マスキュリン パートナーを積極的にサポートし、彼女を喜ばせ、感謝され、必要とされていると感じられるとき。ほとんどの女性は フェミニン 理解され、サポートされ、リラックスして手放すことができると感じたとき。(明らかな理由により、この原則はより流動的な性自認を持つ人々には適用できない）。

Through millions of years of evolution, a woman was mostly focused on children and vulnerable in a dangerous environment, while the role of a man was to physically protect and help her. Many women in modern society feel that too much responsibility is on them: professional job, children, housework… – they can’t relax and don’t feel supported, so they stop feeling feminine. This creates a sense of 不満と憤り それを自分では簡単に説明できない女性もいる。

This kind of resentment usually motivates traditional “nagging”. A woman who feels that she can’t relax and that the man’s support is lacking, might not be able to find words to explain it to him, so her tension and frustration might come out in 枝葉末節 in the man’s behavior. On the other side, men, in the civilization which enables them to be lazier than before and reduces the traditional ways of male support to women, can lose their sense of masculinity and become passive, or confused in front of women’s demands.

古いニーズに対する新しいソリューション

I’m certainly not trying to say that we should return to traditional life-style and reduce the possibilities for women (and men) to explore the other aspects of their personalities besides motherhood (or traditional “manly” activities). We are not just biological reproduction machines, but much more complex than that. To focus on only one aspect of existence while neglecting the others, is never healthy. In the same way, 生物学の奴隷になるのではなく、賢く生物学を使うべきだ.現代社会の大きな利点のひとつは、女性の肉体的・物質的自立である。その自立を放棄し、責任を回避することは、女性にとって不健康であるだけでなく、パートナーにも影響を与える。

その代わりに 新しい行動モデル, through which a man can feel that he has an important role in his woman’s life and can help her relax. As the modern way of life is more diverse and complex than ever before, it makes no sense to give detailed advice. The best thing is to… パートナーと話す.パートナーがより男性的／女性的な感情を抱くのに役立つものは何かを尋ね、どのような行動があなたの感情を補完し、ロマンスを誘発するかを説明する。大切なのは、堅苦しい要求を避け、遊び心のある探求に集中することです。

Again – don’t get me wrong: I do not advocate rigid gender roles, which created so much suffering and humiliation in the past and often still do in the present. Even with all the negative aspects of modern society, we do have much more physical security, freedom of choice and opportunity to explore more subtle aspects of our lives and personalities. Still, the instincts developed through evolution are still within us, and while – luckily – they can’t control our behavior, we can use them wisely to increase romance and passion.

There is no need to emphasize your gender in other aspects of life – business, hobbies, parenthood, friendships etc. – unless that’s what you want. But when it comes to romance, try using the more “gendered” aspect of you. You might not be used to doing so, but you might end up liking it. Just make sure the way you express it is genuine, your own, rather than following other people’s models. 

堅苦しい要求ではなく、遊び心を取り入れる. Flexibility is the foundation of good relationships – at least when it comes to details, rather than important life values. We meet so many people who fight bitterly about details like how to cut butter, or the famous toilet seat… sometimes you need to think about if those details are really important enough to endanger the quality of your partnership. Perhaps your partner, against all your reasons and pleas, will never make it a habit to put food back into the fridge or dirty dishes into the sink… but it doesn’t mean that he is not a good partner. 多くの人間関係がうまくいかないのは、お互いに悪意を持っているからである。, on the basis of petty details in behavior. Can you show understanding and compassion to your partner, give them space when they are in a bad mood, irritable, and all together not at their best? Then you can earn their trust, respect and motivation to put effort in the relationship with you… 感情的に健康であれば.

愛の与え方の違い can often create misunderstandings. Some people express their feelings through words and conversation, while others want physical touch or doing things together. Some regard gifts to be an important expression of love, while for others gifts are quite secondary. If you don’t notice the way your partner expresses love to you, because this is just not the way in which you want to receive it… explain it to your partner. 善意に気づくよう努めるこのようにすることで、不必要な衝突を防ぐことができる。こうすることで、不必要な衝突を防ぐことができる。

いつになったら十分なのか？

On the other hand, there are people who don’t trust their own instincts enough, so they allow themselves to be manipulated into accepting neglect, humiliation and control. Some women believe that being independent and giving space to their partners means accepting their lack of responsibility and respect, or their promiscuity. Some men are manipulated into thinking that they are selfish, uncaring and irresponsible if they don’t fulfill every wish of their partners. Some couples just don’t recognize that they are not compatibleだから、お互いを非難し、変えようとして時間を浪費する。

もしあなたが男性で、パートナーを喜ばせたいが自信がないのなら 健全なサポートと父親のような振る舞いの見分け方この後の質問を考えてみてください。同じ質問は、自分が多くを要求しすぎているのか、それともパートナーが本当にソファとの絆を深める繊細なプロセスの中で、もろい植物のように振る舞っているだけなのか、確信が持てない女性の助けになる：

• • あなたのパートナーは 一般的に独立した責任ある立場それとも、彼女のニーズ、感情、欲望に対して他者（つまりあなた）が責任を取ることを期待しているのだろうか？

• • 彼は 柔軟で寛容 すべてが彼女の思い通りにならないなら、あるいは、彼女の心が読めないからといって、あなたを批判し、軽蔑するのだろうか？

• • 彼は自分の期待や不満を、次のような形で表現しているだろうか。 落ち着いているそれとも、被害者ぶること、操ること、攻撃することを通してか？

• • 仕事と責任を分担することでバランスが取れていると感じるか、それともほとんどすべてが自分にかかっていると感じるか？

• • それは 楽しく充実した 彼女のために何かをすることは、あなたにとって負担や義務なのだろうか？
• あなたが手助けをしたとき、その人は喜びや感謝の気持ちを表すだろうか。

If you’re used to rational analysis only, instead of hearing what your intuition has to say, it might be very difficult for you to find an answer. 自分の気持ちに耳を傾ける – not those superficial and often defensive ones, but deeper feelings, which are usually calmer and more comprehensive. It’s important to recognize that パートナーシップは共生ではない君たちはまだ2人の個人だ。あなたたちはまだ大人であり、自分たちの人生とニーズに責任を負っている。 Partnership means cooperation – but preserving a sense of personal space and boundaries.そうして初めて、健全な情熱を感じることができる。

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