質問: I recently went through an unexpected breakup, and I’m finding it very hard to move on. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, and it feels like nothing makes sense without them. I know I need to heal, but I don’t even know where to start. How to overcome breakup? Can you help me get rid of this pain?
答えてくれ：
If there’s one message I’d like to spread to the world, it’s that the more intense our emotions are, the more likely they originate from our childhood. This is especially important when people ask, “How to overcome breakup pain?”
Yes, the pain is real. It’s happening now. It may feel too overwhelming and persistent to believe it has roots in the past as well as the present. Yet, in my 20+ years of experience in psychological coaching, whenever someone struggles to move on from an ex, there is almost always a deeper, more existential trauma—often related to parental abandonment—at the core of their pain.
Parental abandonment doesn’t have to be physical, or even literal. It can stem from a mother returning to work after maternity leave, or a parent being hospitalized, for example. Babies can feel abandoned when their parents sleep in a different room and ignore their cries at night. A parent may be emotionally unavailable, critical, unpredictable, or dismissive. Any of these and similar experiences can be shocking for a sensitive child and leave a lasting imprint.
Small children cling to their parents for dear life. Anything that threatens that bond sends waves of shock and emotional pain through the child—it’s a survival mechanism. Intense emotional pain and the compulsion to do anything to restore the connection, including blaming and criticizing ourselves, are part of that mechanism. Any emotion that feels survival-related in childhood often remains etched in our subconscious mind.
大人になると、私たちは無意識のうちに故郷を思い出したり、子供時代に欠けていたものを癒すチャンスを与えてくれそうな人に対して、強い恋愛感情を抱く傾向がある（参照）： 恋愛関係のパターン). For most of us, there’s still an “inner child” seeking to have old emotional needs met.
When our “inner child” emotionally bonds with someone and that person leaves, old existential pain, fear, and self-doubt can resurface with full intensity. We may suddenly feel like life doesn’t make sense without them, as if there is no one else in the world who could ever replace them – which is exactly how a child feels about their parent. Of course, some of the pain comes from the present loss, but that pain would be much more grounded and bearable if it weren’t intertwined with unresolved childhood trauma.
So, knowing this, how to overcome breakup trauma? Here are some strategies that have worked for me and many others I’ve worked with:
1.感情的な痛みが再燃したときはいつでも、それが（それ以上でないにしても）現在の状況と少なくとも同じくらい幼少期から来ていることを思い出す。
2. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t give in to them, but observe and accept them with compassion. “What you resist, persists; what you accept, dissolves.” Acknowledging emotions helps you process them, while fighting them only makes them stronger.
3.心に浮かんだ最悪で最もつらい考えや印象を、それがどれほど大げさで非合理的なものであろうと、観察し、言葉にする。自分自身に問いかけてみてください：これは、あなたの両親（あるいは、おそらく他の初期の養育者）の誰と関係があるのでしょうか？
4.インナーチャイルドを愛し、慰めるために、必要なだけ時間を取る。同じような状況にある親友に言いたいことを、すべてインナーチャイルドに伝えてください。
5.もしあなたの両親が一般的に善意で思いやりのある人であったなら、あなたのインナーチャイルドも両親が慰め、子供に様々な方法で愛と感謝を与えている姿を想像してみてください。
6.もしあなたの両親が不健康であったなら、違う健康な両親があなたに愛とサポートを与えることを想像できる。 これに役立つガイド付きエクササイズを紹介しよう。.
7. Now let’s focus on the future. Keep reminding yourself that in a few months, this pain will be behind you, and there will be plenty of other opportunities for happiness. When one door closes, many others open.
8. Remind yourself that good relationships don’t end; bad ones do. You are likely missing the illusion of your ex rather than who they really were. If they hadn’t left now, you might have just wasted more time and opportunities with them, and things could have gotten worse. Eventually, you would have gone through the same pain, so it’s better to face it sooner rather than later.
9. Ask yourself: what can I learn from this experience that will make my future relationship(s) better and healthier? Perhaps you’ll learn how to 赤旗を見分けるコミュニケーション より効果的にあるいは ひとをしのぶ.できるだけ多くの教訓を書き出し、それを今後どのように生かすかを考えよう。この経験を、最終的に自分の将来をより良くするものだと捉えることができれば、自分に優しくなり、前向きな視点を持つことができる。
10.パートナーシップに何を本当に求めているかを考える。 痛みに導かれて toward understanding what you deeply long for and what truly matters to you in life. Envision a future relationship that fulfills your desires—better than the one that ended. Allow yourself to embrace this vision and get comfortable with it. Tell yourself that you deserve it. The better you can imagine a healthy relationship, the easier it will be to recognize it when you meet the right person.
I hope you’ll find this advice on how to overcome breakup helpful, and if you want to explore and resolve the roots of your childhood trauma and emotional patterns, our オンラインコーチング はそのために設計されている！
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