photo by：ローマンクラフト
Every relationship has its problems and it is not realistic to think we will always have an understanding, agreement and great communication with a partner. A relatively common problem is when one person expects that they shouldn’t have to express their needs clearly, but that the partner, if he or she loved them, would recognize and understand them. This, from my perspective, is usually the result of unmet needs from childhood and seeking a replacement for a parent – someone who would easily understand and fulfill our needs, and whose own needs would not be inconsistent with ours. But this is generally not realistic.
A healthy love means accepting disagreements, smaller incompatibilities and misunderstandings in communication, and making an effort to resolve them and come to an agreement. Of course, effort is needed on both sides, not just on one side, and even that is not always enough if there are significant incompatibilities regarding key life values. But let’s say you are relatively compatible – even then, big but unnecessary problems can grow out of established communication habits – learned from our early environment but often unconscious, which is why we do not question them.
There are people who, unconsciously and automatically, hide their true desires and opinions until they suddenly erupt with frustration, or their feelings for the partner cool down because they resent that their partner does not recognize their unexpressed desires and nonverbal signals. There are people whose communication style is unthoughtful, even aggressive, and they don’t even think about what it might sound like to someone else. There are some who just don’t feel like making an effort. All this is an unnecessary negative impact on a relationship that can be improved with a little perspective and learning – if there is the will to do so.
パートナーシップの議論は、不満、非難、一般化、弁明、誤解、誇張、そしておそらく侮辱といった、かなり予測可能な道筋をたどることが多い。これは通常、私たちが子供の間に社会が教えてくれることだ。しかし、コミュニケーションにほんの少し注意を払うだけで、その努力が誠実で長続きするものであれば、多くの関係を維持したり修復したりすることができる。
ここでは、関係を改善し、恨みの蓄積を防ぐ、質の高いコミュニケーションのための最も重要なルールをいくつか紹介する：
1) Most of the anger and resistance in partner discussions is not the result of content, but of the way one talks: the tone of voice, the choice of words, facial expressions and gestures… Therefore, it’s often more important to 何を言っているかより、どう言っているかを伝える.
For example, tell your partner what is bothering you about the way they communicate (eg, aggressive tone, rolling their eyes, or generalizations) and suggest what they could do instead. Or, to show good will, ask them what may be annoying in your own mode of communication. You will need to do this often – at first almost after every few sentences, because it is easy to break into old habits. It depends on the situation, of course – the more important the topic and the greater the risk of escalation, the more it is necessary to return to this rule.
2) 可能な限り、 返答を選ぶのに時間がかかる – avoid automatic expressions and anything reckless. By taking a short break to think, you prevent your limbic system from acting automatically, and enable your adult brain to get involved instead. It is better to spend a few seconds now to choose better words, than to later maybe spend hours and days to fix the consequences of the poorly chosen ones.
3) 質問を通してできるだけ多くのことを伝える, such as, “When did you start feeling that way? How did you hear what I said? What does that mean to you? How do you want me to talk to you if I have a complaint?” This shows care and responsibility, avoids a defensive stance, and helps you and your partner better understand what’s going on.
4) 悪意や特徴を決めつけない. This is one of the most important rules. The beginning of the end of a relationship, from my perspective, is when the partners start attributing to each other bad intentions and traits due to unwanted behaviors. Of course, it is possible that your partner has some bad traits – we all have them. However, much more common causes for attributing bad intentions to someone are a combination of poor quality communication, transference (the partner subtly reminds us of our parents – this is usually unconscious and much more common than most people notice) or simply having trouble changing deep-seated habits.
5）その他、避けるべきことがある：
a) 一般化 (you always / never …),
b) 定言 (これは間違っている、真実ではない、普通ではない）、
c) 行動ではなく人格を批判する (eg I wish you didn’t do this and that, instead of “you are so lazy / selfish” etc).
d) 感情抑制 怒りが怒りや受動的な攻撃に変わるほど蓄積されるまで。
e)、そしてもちろん、侮辱やそれに類する厳しい言葉。
6) 決して怒りに任せて話してはいけない。 Anger often provokes the desire to hurt the other person, so we are more likely to do all of the above things we should avoid. If the anger is too strong to contain, try the following: go to another room where you can be alone, and say aloud what you want to say to your partner – or better yet, record yourself saying those things. Once we hear the angry thoughts spoken aloud, we can more easily imagine ourselves as their “recipient”. Then we can feel how differently (usually more aggressive) they sound than when we imagine them in our own mind, through our own emotions.
怒りに満ちたコミュニケーションを防ぐには 怒りや不満がまだ軽いうちに、問題について話し始める。怒りが激しすぎて大人の心が閉ざされるのを待つのではなく、まだ冷静で思慮深くいられるうちに。しかし、多くの人は、家族の反応がしばしば落胆させるものであったため、タイムリーで明確なコミュニケーションを避けることを幼少期に早くから学んでしまった。
7) 相手の言っていることを考え 本当に理解しようとする.
8）（特に重要） 声のトーンと非言語コミュニケーションに注意を払う 一般的にたとえ慎重に言葉を選んだとしても、体や声からイライラや苛立ち、無関心や無礼が感じられれば、そのコミュニケーションは不誠実で人を操るものと受け取られる可能性が高い。一方、あなたの非言語的コミュニケーションが友好的で穏やかなものであれば、おそらく相手はいつも以上に激しい批判を受け入れやすくなるだろう。
不快な非言語メッセージを送らないためには、まず自分の感情を意図的に落ち着かせ、非言語で伝えたい感情（尊敬、理解、親しみ、思いやりなど）を自分の中に作り出す必要がある。
9) 瞬間的で表面的なものでなく、正直な気持ちから話す。これを達成するにはどうすればいいか？ 水面下の感情とつながる守りの姿勢や一時的な未熟な感情よりも深いもの。これは通常、その関係に対するあなたの心からの願いを見つけ、表現することを意味する。自分自身に問いかけてみてください： パートナーに本当に理解してもらいたいことは何か？ 私が本当に伝えたいメッセージは何か？
10) おそらく、これらのことのいくつかを頻繁に繰り返し、何を伝えるかよりもどのように伝えるかに立ち返る必要があるだろう。通常、それぞれの会話で何度も繰り返される。 Don’t expect results right away.
Expect to make mistakes, both of you. Prepare for some uncomfortable words and comments, even if you are both making an effort. The most important thing then is not to start with the accusations such as “you are doing it again, you’re not even trying!” Be patient. It is difficult to change one’s automatic habits.
Don’t expect your partner to change as quickly as you would like. The goal is communication, not manipulation or control. If your partner is different than you, they are entitled to be who they are. Partner communication means negotiations, not that our desires must be fulfilled. If you are too different to agree without control and manipulation – you may not be compatible, and it is no one’s fault.
Using these communication skills is not difficult in theory – but in reality, transference and age regression often get in the way (more on age regression これ).そうなったときに気づくことが重要であり、そうすることで、過去の自分に反応するのではなく、大人の現実に自分を戻し、目の前にいる本当の自分を認識することができる。年齢退行の状態を認識し、解決することで、コミュニケーション・スキルを使うときに、見せかけや押しつけではなく、本音で接することができるようになる。
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