感情的成熟に関するQ&A

Recently I had an interesting philosophical discussion about what “mature behavior” and “mature emotions” actually are, and according to which (and whose) criteria are they defined.

いくつかの基準については、すでに記事に書いた。 “Emotional Maturity”: 強度 自分の感情が外的状況に対して適切であれば、恥をかかせたり傷つけたりする必要はない。 その他 (which means you don’t have toxic beliefs about yourself), you take 責任 あなたの感情のために エクスプレス 建設的な方法で自分自身を成長させる。 やる気満々 痛みや衰弱の代わりに。この記事では、もう少し詳しく説明しよう：

• 大人の健全な精神状態であれば、知覚は白か黒かではなく、複雑である。. You are able to recognize many different aspects of a certain situation – not just your own perspective, but also other people’s points of view, possible causes of their behavior, possible consequences of your choices etc. Therefore, you can adapt your behavior to each individual situation, rather than using rigid ideas or black and white perception of whose “fault” it is.
  
  
• You take responsibility for your own behavior, but not for other people’s reactions. Therefore, you express your emotions, beliefs and needs in constructive ways, with honesty and respect, and you do not feel guilty if other people react in unpleasant ways. 
  未熟 行動とは 他人を自分の感情の原因とみなす, blaming and criticizing them (whether in active or passive ways). It also means that you “shoot out” any words that come to your mind, without considering if they are reasonable and responsible.
  
  
• You don’t feel the need to control people and situations. You value your own integrity above control over others. You know you can cope with others’ behaviors. You feel that your happiness and self-esteem do not depend on other people. 他人に影響を与えたいと願う言葉ではなく、自分の気持ちを素直に表現する言葉を選ぶ。. 
  において 大人げない と感じるかもしれない。 人に頼る肉体的にも精神的にも。そのため、次のように感じるかもしれない。 無力、怒りっぽい、憤慨している – and blame others around you for such feelings. You will try to 外部ソリューションを探す – by controlling other people – instead of working with your emotions, building self-esteem and independence. Your need to control other people is stronger than respect, tolerance or compassion you might feel for them.

• あなたは境界線を設定することができる。 不快な行動から自分を守れると思えば、他の人に対しても寛容になり、リラックスできる。
  未熟さ 明確な境界線を設定できないことも含まれる。このような場合、あなたは他人に次のようなことを期待しがちである。 欲望と感情を推し量る and adapt to them, so that you can avoid expressing yourself clearly. You might blame people if they don’t try to read your mind (or if they do, but don’t succeed).

• あなたは思いやりがある; you can understand other people’s points of view even if you disagree with them. If you perceive certain people as suffering, you still see them as strong and able to take responsibility for their lives, instead of seeing them as weak and taking the responsibility onto yourself.

このことは、私が常に他人に合わせ、彼らの望むことをしなければならないということなのだろうか？

Absolutely not. Understanding other people doesn’t automatically mean following their desires. It just helps you avoid prejudice and black & white thinking. 自分の価値観に合うものを決める権利があるそして、何があなたにとって受け入れられないのか。違うのは、たとえあなたが特定の人たちを自分の周りに置きたくないと決めたとしても、あなたはその決断を下せるということだ。 平和的に, instead of “feeding it” with criticism, demeaning others or playing a victim.

Does this mean that I can’t express my feelings clearly and spontaneously?

No. Read again all the above criteria carefully, especially the second entry. The difference between mature and immature communication is that mature people won’t immediately express everything that comes to their minds, because they are aware that such (usually) harsh and hurtful words are what they learned in an unhealthy environment. Instead, they will 彼らが本当に感じていることを確認するために、内面に集中する 防衛的な怒りの表面的な層を超えて。より深く、より穏やかで、より複雑な自分の感情に気づくことができれば、そしてそれを最もよく表現する言葉を見つけるために時間をかけることができれば、あなたは真に「怒り」を表現することができるのだ。 大人の余裕.これができれば、思う存分はっきり、率直になれる。

激しい幸福感や激しい感情を感じる能力全般を失ってしまうということだろうか？

Unpleasant emotions are likely to become much milder if you resolve toxic beliefs you adopted as a child. This is what most people want anyway. Extreme, black and white happiness can also be childish, but if it doesn’t have unpleasant consequences, why work on changing it? It is quite 幼稚な部分が残っていても構わないそれが建設的で創造的なものであり、自分自身や他人に対する有害な信念に関連したものでなければ。

一方、自分の周りの世界のより多くの側面を知覚することを学ぶにつれて、幸福の体験はより強烈で単純なものではなくなっていくかもしれない。 より豊かで複雑. This is like a difference between a cake that contains so much sugar that not much other flavor can be detected, and one that is less sweet, but much more flavorful. The choice is yours – it depends of your taste.

Still, I feel that what you say means that I’m expected to be overly calm and calculated, instead of passionate and full of life!

This is an exaggerated interpretation. If you are extroverted by nature, emotional maturity doesn’t mean suddenly becoming an introvert. Extroverted people often believe that introverts lack passion, which is not true – the passion is simply experienced and expressed differently. 内向性／外向性、あるいは情熱を感じる能力は、感情の成熟度とは無関係である。.もしあなたが外向的であっても、自分の感情に責任を持ち、使い古された非難や批判を繰り返すのではなく、自分の言葉を選ぶことができれば、強烈な刺激とコミュニケーションを楽しむことができる。

Following the above comparison of happiness with cakes, we can compare extroversion with enjoying very spicy food. Introversion in this case would be represented by people who enjoy mild flavors and find them rich and complex. Neither is better than the other – as long as you can respect other people’s choices instead of forcefully pushing chili peppers in their mouths, ears and nostrils and expecting them to like it.

So who decides if an emotion is “appropriate for its context”? Does it mean that the majority is right and I have to conform to it? Or does it mean that a few individuals pose as authorities over others?

Neither. Although the distinction is not always clear, just as there is no clear boundary between “spicy” and “mild”, you can find some 兆候 複雑な状況を多面的に認識すること、他者を理解すること、自分と他者を尊重すること、責任をとること。数学的な公式は存在しないが、これらの側面すべてに注意を払えば、成熟しているとはどういうことかを十分に理解することができる。

Another important indication can be the consequences of your behavior. Does your behavior result in 内面の調和、バランスの取れたコミュニケーション 他の人々との関係や、多かれ少なかれ楽しい人間関係、特に親しい人々やあなたをよく知る人々との関係。それとも、お互いの不満や対立、主導権争いを生むのだろうか？もちろん、あなたの行動がいかに成熟していても、不快な反応を示す人もいるが、それは少数派である。

The next indication is your ability to empathize with other people. Are you focused on yourself and put your feelings and desires above those of other people, or do you perceive their feelings and needs as 等しく重要 あなたのように？あなたは 評価する other people’s efforts and what you receive from them, or do you only notice your own contribution to their lives? Can you find balance and compromise when possible, and peacefully end a relationship if it is not possible?

A further important aspect is how honest you are with yourself. Most people (except sociopaths, but genetically induced sociopathy is rather rare) feel an 本能的内部警告 if their behavior is selfish and hurtful to others. (This we feel because, as a species, we have evolved to be empathic, so that we can live in groups and societies.) Do you listen to this voice? Do you pay attention to those feelings whispering that perhaps you weren’t just or honest in a certain situation? Can you listen to all of your inner voices and then peacefully decide which of them appear exaggerate and simplified, and which seem to perceive a wider point of view? Can you resist the need to feel better than other people?

最後に、成熟と責任は、誰かが私たちに押し付けるものではない。それらは 自分の選択 自分の利益のために。私たちが成熟を選ぶのは、外的な基準を満たすためではなく、自分の内的・外的生活の質を向上させたいからである。私たちは自己愛と他者への感謝から成熟を選ぶ。私たちは 短期的な安堵よりも長期的な幸福.

私にはまだ退屈に聞こえる！

この場合、おそらくあなたは次のことを学んだはずだ。 苦しみや不快な感情と愛を結びつけるそして苦しみの中にある種の喜びを見出そうとする。虐待やドラマのない人間関係に退屈を感じる人がいるのはこのためだ。

Perhaps you have very little experience of fulfillment and happiness within healthy relationships, so you don’t want to give up the dubious pleasure you find within drama, suffering and victim games. If you cannot even imagine a different kind of happiness, you might strongly resist the idea of giving up the little pleasure you are familiar with.

極端になって完璧を目指す必要はない。完璧主義は白か黒かという視点であり、それゆえに幼稚なのだ。私たちの一部は常に未熟なままだ。誰もあなたが常に完璧に合理的で、節度があり、コントロールされていることを期待しているわけではない。 どのような結果を望むか. Sometimes a bit of immaturity and exaggeration is fine, if you are aware of it, if you don’t hurt other people with such behavior, and if you can keep it in line instead of being controlled by it.

The decision is always yours, and so are the consequences (even if some of the consequences might influence other people first). If you really enjoy drama and fighting, by all means continue. Be aware, however, that this is your choice and do not blame people who will rather choose not to be around you – or those who strike back.

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