子供たちには挑戦が必要だ

臨機応変さを刺激するものは何か？

私たちの仕事では、しばしば次のことに気づく。 問題のある混沌とした家庭の人々は、人生の非常に早い時期に重要なリソースを開発することがよくある。: for example intelligence (in order to understand confusing situations and to find a way out of such situations), perseverance, inner strength, ability to cope with difficulties, sensibility, empathy, sense of humor (as a way of relieving one’s own and other people’s unpleasant emotions, or as a strategy of finding one’s place within a group).

Likewise, it can be frequently noticed that children who grow up in protective families which provide everything they can, grow up into average and often not particularly strong and confident people. Sometimes they can become egotistic and spoiled people, as it can be seen especially in the last several decades when “children first” is a prevalent attitude and many parents neglect the need to set boundaries and teach the child to cooperate. (This unbalanced attitude is partly a reaction to “adults first” approach of past decades and centuries – and health is in balancing everybody’s needs.)

Of course, this is not a rule, but it happens a lot. Every family is a complex whole, and the child’s experiences are multidimensional. There are no mathematical criteria according to which all influences and their consequences for a child could be organized. Likewise, the same kind of influence can cause different consequences, of which some are unpleasant, and some are useful and important: chaos and traumas can trigger the development of the above mentioned resources and positive features as a way to survive, but at the same time they can cause lasting fear, anger, guilt and a negative self-image. Parental care and attention can create a feeling that we are worthy and acceptable, but also average or below average abilities, motivation and self-confidence on the other hand, due to lack of challenges. As in the case of most individual and global life circumstances, 結果に白黒はない, but always a combination of the “positive” and “negative”.

多くの人々が 親に守られる このような保護は、彼らを不安にさせ 手に負えない with challenges, since they didn’t have much chance to experience whether they were able to cope with unpleasant situations, or to practice resourcefulness and creativity. On the other hand, nobody would like to be in the shoes of those who suffered neglect, abuse or ridicule. Such people know very well that they had to pay a high price for their inner strength, by acquiring some unpleasant patterns.

Don’t worry – you don’t have to neglect or traumatize your children so that they would become resourceful. With some awareness and effort, you can enable your children to “have their cake and eat it”. What is important are not strong and frequent 不快 しかし、重要かつ頻繁な経験 課題. This is what families who protect their children often lack: they may neglect the children’s need to face challenging situations which would stimulate their hidden resources.

シェイピングの課題

思考力、知覚力、感受性、そして強さを刺激するようなチャレンジを形にし、同時に子どもへの思いやりと気配りを忘れないようにするのだ。大切なのは、子どもたちに 精神的サポートしかし同時に、できるだけ多くの難題をクリアすることも彼らに委ねられている。

You’ll need to adjust the challenges to the stage of the children’s development, to target approximately the upper limit of their current abilities, exceeding just a little their “zone of comfort”, enough to make it problematic and not easy, but not so difficult for the children to get discouraged and start doubting themselves. Children do it spontaneously, always reaching a little higher, always trying to get a little further and better. Observe your children carefully in order to find out if a challenge suits them. If the child is at least partially interested and motivated, you can continue. If you notice that they show strong sings of stress or fear, it’s a good idea to postpone the task and find another, easier one.

として提供する。 さまざまな挑戦 の範囲にある。 物理的 ones (dressing, tying shoes, including children in household work – don’t give them your fragile china to clean, though), 知的 (e.g. buy a book of puzzles or games that require thinking, teach the child to read or to speak a foreign language as early as possible – a two or three-year old child can slowly get used to recognizing letters, and at the age of four many children are ready to start reading), up to ソーシャル 人間関係やコミュニケーションに関する問題を解決する）。 課題をゲームとして形にするできるだけ頻繁に。

Avoid offering ready-made solutions to the child. It’s better to help the child think about possible solutions by asking sub-questions. Encourage them to create できるだけ多くの解決策, e.g. “Johnny is mocked by other children at school. Think about at least 10 different things that Johnny could do about it.” Follow the children’s thinking process and help them with サブクエスチョン such as: “Which unpleasant consequences can you think of? Who other could you include? What is important to know about other children and why are they doing what they are doing? Have you forgotten something? Can some of these solutions be improved?” Be gentle with those questions and don’t push so much to discourage the child.

よりスマートに、よりハードに

Certainly, lack of time is a problem for many parents. However, you do not have to sit the entire day with your children asking them such questions. It’s enough to have such conversations during other daily tasks, and to take advantage of situations when your child has a real problem. You can use time during lunch breaks at work or the ride back home from work to think about new challenges for your children.

子どもには、ときどきケガをさせたり、ひっかいたり、やけどをさせたりする。, especially if they ignore your warnings (use common sense and make sure there is no risk of serious injury, though). This won’t have long term emotional consequences, but the children will learn reasonable caution and to assess their abilities and the consequences of their actions more accurately. Avoid attempting – except in situations of serious bullying – to solve their conflicts with other children instead of them. Children are 手腕 with the unpleasantness of these conflicts – actually, many people go through much more difficult social experiences as children than as adults – quite successfully, if they have your 心の支えと励まし.

However, you can help them to think about these conflicts and their possible solutions. If your children are fighting amongst themselves, avoid acting like a judge by random punishments, but don’t ignore them either. (A good question to ask might be: “What would you do now if you were in my place?”)彼らがどう感じ、何を望んでいるかを話し合うのを助ける。もう一人が執拗ないじめっ子である場合、一人をもっと保護する必要があるかもしれないが、まず、後者が暴力を振るう動機が何であるかを考える。

Avoid trying to make your child’s life easier in terms of daily tasks. As soon as they can do something – eat, dress, do their homework … – avoid doing it for them, as much as possible. It helps if you 一緒にする – this makes the tasks less boring and builds your relationship. Emotional support and acceptance are the most important. Avoid verbal or non-verbal criticism, except when it’s needed (but avoid undeserved praise, too). You will make your child’s and your own life easier – the child’s in the long term, and yours both short and long term.

子供たちが興味を示したら 読書ぜひそうしてほしい。 Reading provides a wealth of valuable “second-hand experience”困難に立ち向かうための洞察とアイデア。読書はまた、以下のような多くの機会を与えてくれる。 感情を体験し、探求する 安全な環境の中で。これは、子供たちが自分自身とのより良い関係を築くのに役立つ。そしてもちろん、読書は一般的な知識や複雑な思考を豊かにする。ただ、子供が好きそうな本を選ぶようにしてください。無理に読ませることは、おそらく生涯の抵抗感を生むだけでしょう。繰り返しますが、できるだけあなた自身が手本となってリードしてください。 

知恵を働かせる

私が思うに、親の仕事とは次のようなものではない。 作る 子供の幸せ. The key to parenting is to teach children how to 作成する 幸福 問題や困難があるにもかかわらず。これは、個人的な模範を示すだけでなく、子どもたちが問題に直面したときに精神的、知的にサポートすることによっても可能である。

親の役割は、常に解決策を提供することではない。 子どもたちが自分で解決策を見つけられるように、教え、励まし、可能にする。 年齢や状況を考慮し、適切な頻度で。 

健全な親のもうひとつの役割は、子供が次のように信じるように励ますことである。 物事はうまくいくし、正すことができる トラブルがあっても。大人になってから、このような心の安らぎや励まし、そして適切なチャレンジを受けた子どもたちは、強いストレスのある状況でも臨機応変に対応できるようになるだろう。 

問題やフラストレーションから子供を守ろうとする親が多すぎる。一方、問題やフラストレーションはやる気を起こさせる。問題や挫折は、子どもたちの能力を開花させる原動力となる。常に幸せであるべきだと主張しなければ、子どもたちが長期的な幸せを見出すのを助けることができる。

As with all life advice, use your common sense when making decisions. Don’t exaggerate. Find balance. Listen to your gut. And relax. Even if you were a perfect parent, it wouldn’t be good for your child.

このように、特別な努力と意識を払うことで、子供がしっかりとした基礎を築き、あらゆる面で質の高い人生を送るための強力な足がかりを作ることができる。

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