本当に許し、許されるには？

なぜ許すことが難しいのか？

多くのニューエイジ本や自己啓発本には、心の平和を得るためには、自分を傷つけた人を許すことだと書かれている。実際にどうすればいいのかについての一般的なメッセージは次のようなものだ： に決めただけだ。 forgive! Or they might instruct you to repeat affirmations about forgiveness. But is it really so simple? Many people tell me it isn’t, and that trying to make themselves forgive しばしば抑制につながる赦しを本当に感じることができなければ、自己批判や罪悪感を抱くことさえあるだろう。

Some days back, I was working with a man (I’ll call him Christian) who had a narcissistic mother who abused him viciously; physically, emotionally and sexually. He said his mother asked him for forgiveness on her deathbed. He told her, “No.”

Many well-meaning people would try to convince him that he “should” forgive, otherwise he just keeps carrying his pain around. But, think for a moment, 怒りの機能とは何か? Primarily to give us motivation and strength to protect ourselves or somebody or something valuable to us. We can easily presume that, as a child, Christian kept forgiving his mother over and over again, hoping she’d finally see his point of view and give him the love and support he needed. He kept forgiving because it’s difficult for a child to remain emotionally closed and distanced from his mother. 彼が許すたびに、それは感情的に心を開き、再び希望を持ち始めることを意味していた。.そのたびに彼の希望は残酷に打ち砕かれた。母とつながることで生き延びようとし、ついには母を拒絶することで生き延びることを学んだ。  

赦すということは、しばしば次のことを前提とする。 感情的に再び自分自身を開き、信頼する someone again. If somebody learned since the earliest age that this means suffering and violence, how to expect them to “just decide”? You could just as well “just decide” not to be sick. 

では、本当に許しとは何なのか？

In Christian’s case, since his mother is now dead, forgiveness primarily means 感情的にも身体的にも安全だと感じる方法を学ぶ. I’m not referring to realistic external circumstances, which are much safer for an adult man than a little boy, but to changing his subconscious perspective, the part of himself which still expects people to treat him the way mother treated him as a child.

Christian needs to learn to trust his instinct in assessing other people; with whom does he feel safe, and who might be better avoided. (The problem might be that his instincts might be “skewed” by childhood impressions of what was “normal” in his family home.) He needs to learn to 彼の気持ちに寄り添う – after spending his most vulnerable years feeling betrayed by his instincts and emotions. He also needs to recognize that, against his childhood experience, now it’s ok to say “No” and set boundaries to other people. He knows this logically, but doesn’t feel it in his body. Once he starts setting boundaries, he needs to continue doing it long enough to 自己信頼を高める そして、それを通して安全が感じられる。 

赦しの第二の重要な側面は changing one’s own self-image.外部の脅威から私たちを守る役割を果たすだけでなく、 怒りはまた つらい感情から身を守る主に屈辱感、羞恥心、罪悪感、恐怖感、不全感などである。 

A small child has an instinctive need to trust their parents, to feel connected to them, and to justify their behavior. From a child’s perspective, the most obvious explanation for parental hostility is, “something’s wrong with me”. Even adult people, to find some sort of explanation and meaning, often (partially) blame themselves for injustice they experience. For a child, the self-blame can be overwhelming, and anger spontaneously follows to protect the child from breaking down. To let go of anger, we first need to resolve the painful feelings the anger was hiding; this is a process which takes time and requires work, rather than instant solutions. 

許しを得るには？ 

What if Christian’s mother was still alive? If she asked for forgiveness, it would probably mean expecting renewed emotional connection and more open communication from Christian. Does she have the right to demand it, without doing anything to build trust again?

一度破壊された、あるいは大きく損なわれた信頼を回復するには、以下のことが必要である：

1. acknowledging one’s mistake 取り 責任 それに対して） 
2. 修復 (返還、または再創造 バランスそして
3. 永続的な行動の変化。 

The first and the third step are fairly understandable. What about the second step? It’s easy to repair a tangible damage; what if the damage cannot be measured in objective terms? If you have abused someone emotionally or sexually, how to achieve balance? Acknowledging your mistake is already a step in the right direction; it helps the hurt person rebuild their faith in themselves and stop blaming themselves, which is important in recovering self-esteem. But it might not be enough. There is no easy and generic answer for all cases, but think about what type of hurt did you cause and how can it be diminished. Then take steps in that direction. 

Most people who hurt others avoid making these steps, especially if a lot of time has passed and they don’t want to open old wounds. The real problem is trying to 不快感や恥を避ける 批判や拒絶を受けたときのために。もしあなたがそのような状況にあるのなら、自尊心を高める努力をすることで、以下のことができるようになるかもしれない。 不完全な人間である自分を受け入れるそれでも失敗から何かを学ぶことができた。 変えられる. Then consider what would you prefer: intense discomfort that lasts a few minutes, but is followed by long term relief – or milder, but lasting guilt? 

I think that humans (and other social animals, too) have an instinct for keeping balance in relationships. Thus a disturbance in such balance can bother both sides for a long time. What if the other person refuses your attempt to rebuild balance, or is unavailable, or is dead? In that case, you can find your freedom from guilt in, perhaps, helping someone else, or doing something to help other people not to make the same mistakes. You might want to volunteer for a while, or talk about your mistakes and what you’ve learned from them in public (like こいつ)、あるいはそのような被害の修復に力を入れている団体に寄付する。何かが必ずできる。 

Christian’s mother might have indirectly acknowledged her mistakes, but didn’t have the courage and integrity to do the other two steps while she still could; instead she chose to wait until it was no longer possible and only then asked for forgiveness. Consciously, unconsciously or semi-consciously, doesn’t matter; the result was only more pressure on Christian and denying his needs and boundaries. Can forgiveness be given fully and honestly if the relationship is not healed through genuine, determined effort? What about the victim’s self-trust? Not only it was damaged through original abuse, but it can be additionally hurt through manipulative “extortion” of forgiveness バランスを取り戻すことなく。 

There are many people besides Christian whose parents asked them for forgiveness shortly before death. Perhaps those parents found it easier to suffer guilt through most of their lives, rather than risking honesty and recognizing the need to change. A deathbed is a nice dramatic moment to ask for forgiveness; it’s traditional to expect the past strives to be forgotten in such a time, so many people are then less afraid of rejection or the conversation that might follow. But the survivor is left with an extra burden and the damage is not repaired.  

人生の価値

Anger also serves to warn us against another, more subtle aspect of abusive behavior: the value system of the abuser. It’s important to recognize that the 暴力的または無責任な行動の鍵 は ない 幼少期の問題、激しい感情、自制心の喪失、あるいは他者による挑発の可能性（これらの要因は確かに助けになるかもしれないが）、しかし、主に次のような要因がある。 冷酷で暴力的な行動を許す基本的な生活価値観 誰か（あるいは特定のグループ）に対して。これについては この記事. 

Almost everybody carries around some childhood trauma; practically everybody experiences age regression, intense emotional states and feeling provoked – but if a person has 質の高い生活価値共感も含めて、彼らは単に won’t allow themselves どんなに強い感情的衝動があろうとも、周囲の人々の人間性を奪ってしまう。他人を辱めたり、操ったり、暴力を振るったりする決断を下すには、そのような行動を正当化し、許容する価値観を持っていなければならない。 

私たちの潜在意識は、必ずしもそれを言葉にすることができなくても、しばしばそれを認識している； 私たちの怒りは、言葉や孤立した行為だけでは十分ではないことを警告している。私たちを虐待した人を再び信頼するには、その人の中で本質的な何かが変わらなければならない。 

私たちの重要な価値観は、責任、思いやり、誠実さといった価値観が、社会にとってだけでなく、自分自身にとっても重要である理由を、論理的なレベルだけでなく、感情的なレベルでも完全に、正直に理解して初めて変わる。誰かが より多くの利益 他人と協力することよりも、暴力的で支配的であることのほうが、彼らを生み出すことになる。 理由 for trying to exert power and dominance – even when the perceived benefits are weak and temporary, while long-term consequences are bad. So, don’t just focus on analyzing words and behaviors; assess the value system of the person you are dealing with. 

自分自身に加えられたダメージを修復するには？

All in all, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or opening up again to the person who hurt you. It primarily means being able to 再び自分を取り戻す. It means the injustice you experienced doesn’t weigh on your mind anymore, that you are not particularly frustrated in the (likely) case that the other person will never do anything to repair the damage and recover the balance. It means, more than anything else, that your self-esteem is solid. 

If the other person won’t cooperate, it doesn’t mean you have to feel bonded to them by anger and lack of balance. 自分自身との健全な関係を築く helps you to leave your past behind and trust in future – or, more accurately, to have trust in your own ability to protect and support yourself in future. Thus the past loses the influence it would otherwise have through fear, shame and lack of trust in yourself.  

What about re-creating balance? If the person who hurt you won’t make the effort, consider what could you do for yourself to repair the damage. Maybe you can put extra effort in being lastingly kind and compassionate with yourself. Maybe you can treat yourself to something you really enjoy. Perhaps helping other people would make you feel better. Do whatever nourishes your spirit. 

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