より良い決断を下すには？

Do you often have problems with making decisions? If you try making up your mind based on conscious information and temporary emotions, your decision making might be limited and confusing (even if we ignore the impact of childhood emotions – which we shouldn’t).

私たちには、自分にとって正しい選択をしようとする健全な本能が備わっていると私は信じている。この本能は、無意識の情報処理によるものであり、私たちの意識よりもはるかに多くのものを含んでいる。ある資料によると、無意識の情報処理は、意識の20万倍近い速度で行われているという。人生経験を積めば積むほど、このプロセスは微調整され、より良い決断ができるようになる。

However, many people tell me they don’t feel such an instinct, or it is buried under fears, doubts, guilt and shame, reinforced for years in their families. Very often, problems with making decisions are a consequence of growing up with parents who not only constantly argue, but expect their children to take sides. Such children are confused, torn inside themselves, and trying to please both parents, they forget how to listen to themselves.

A parent who is either unpredictable or plays the victim role (or both) can also easily scare or manipulate children into not trusting their own sense of guidance. Children who are by nature more trusting, cooperative or have an anxious attachment style are especially vulnerable to manipulation and criticism. Once a child learns to ignore their own „gut feeling”, it can fade and stay underdeveloped, like a muscle rarely used.

Yet even if your healthy instinct is hidden, it’s not lost. You can recover it by learning to carefully observe your feelings. The healthy instinct is usually not a strong emotion, but more like a calm sense of knowledge. It can be hidden somewhere in the background of conflicting emotions. Yet just like you learned to distinguish one emotion from another as a child, you can also learn to recognize this instinct and separate it from other feelings.

It might take some time, though – just like anything else done right. Introspection and mindfulness need to be a part of your life in the long run. When I was a kid, I used to read a lot, and looking back, I’d say reading helped me a lot to learn about emotions (mine as well as others’) and to process them in a way that’s safer than most. So reading is something I would recommend from experience.

While you are still learning, don’t rush. Our human minds have an unfortunate tendency to oversimplify things and take them to extremes. Desiring to prove yourself you have learned, you might be tempted to follow various emotional urges which are not the true instinct. Practice with small steps first, until you are confident you can separate the healthy instinct from various emotions.

Your „gut feeling” will not always tell you what you want to hear and immediately take you where you want to go. When I graduated from university, I was eager to start my coaching career right away, but no matter what I did, I wasn’t moving forward. After about a year of struggling, I got an offer for a part time job requiring a two-year commitment. Consciously, I didn’t really want that job, I wanted to do my own thing. But my instinct told me to take it. So I did – and just as those 2 years came to an end, various other circumstances aligned to make it much easier for me to start my independent career. Sometimes our unconscious minds know better than us when we are truly ready for something.

I wonder what happens with people who have immature or toxic values, such as wanting to exploit others or wanting to dominate the world. Do their instincts go along or warn them against it? As far as I know, our „gut feeling” doesn’t have a mind or morality of its own. What it’s most likely to do is to predict possible consequences. Not every person necessarily cares about all of those consequences, I guess. But I don’t have enough experience to make clear claims.

おそらくあなたは、自分の健康的な本能を認識し、人生の他の時期や局面においてそれに従った経験がすでにあるだろう。もしそうなら、そのときの気持ちを思い出してください。その記憶を使って、決断が必要なときに、今の気持ちと比較してみてください。

たとえ意識が限られていたとしても、それを無視してはならない。私たちの体がスムーズに機能するためにさまざまな臓器が必要なように、心のさまざまな部分が協力し合うことが必要なのだ。自分のすべての部分が互いにコミュニケーションをとるようにすれば、うまくいけば、子供のように言い争うのではなく、冷静にコミュニケーションがとれるようになる。理想的なのは、自分のすべての部分が落ち着いていると感じられるような洞察と結論に達することだ。その心の状態と到達する方法を知れば、次からはもっと簡単になる。

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