健全な家族関係

Although most people understand, or at least feel intuitively what is appropriate and what isn’t in family relationships, in most families there are still quite a lot of unhealthy patterns and a huge load of imposed guilt. Those patterns hinder many people from acting in the way they feel is healthy and appropriate, even from questioning their behavior and behavior of other family members from a rational point of view.

統合システミック・コーチングは、家族をひとつのシステムとしてとらえる。ほとんどのシステムはバランスを保とうと努力し システムの一部が機能不全に陥ると、それを補うために他の部分がその機能を引き継ごうとする. It is similar with families, in which children, being the most sensitive and receptive members, unconsciously try to bring the balance back if it’s lost. They might take too much responsibility, or resort to problematic behavior, so to redirect family activity and attention. Some children express feelings and behavior which are either forbidden or suppressed within the family.

子供が成長した後も、特定の感情や欲求（例えば、性的な欲求や怒り）を強制的に過剰に表現する場合、それはどちらか、あるいは両方が持つ感情や衝動を無意識に表現しているに過ぎない可能性がある。 親はそれを否定してきたし、表明することを避けてきた。. This is the consequence of “systematic“ behavior – keeping balance in the family as a system. For such a person, and for the family, those compulsive urges can be not only unpleasant but also completely incomprehensible, so the person can develop a lot of shame and guilt because of those feelings.

From time to time, we’re contacted by parents who are confused with depression, fear or aggression shown by their children, saying that there seems to be no apparent reason for this and that they put a lot of effort in the child’s upbringing. In many such cases it becomes apparent that there are many suppressed and unexpressed emotions between the parents or within one of the parents, and sometimes even in other family relationships. 

In those situations we focus primarily on working with the parents and their feelings. And, as the parents change their self-image and experience and start to feel relief, very often they’ll say that the children, without any obvious reason, started to act differently, e.g. to communicate more calmly or even became motivated to study without extra encouragement.

In short, many adult people have emotional urges which are irrational, compulsive and unconsciously motivated, and for children it’s even more difficult to rationally and willingly control such urges. Unfortunately, many people do not recognize unhealthy patterns until they escalate in the child’s behavior, and even then they are very often justified or 重大な危機が起こるまで無視されるあるいは外部の誰かが介入しなければならないが、そうなると、多くの場合、責任は再び子どもに押し付けられることになる。

無知に次いで多いのが、レッテルを貼られることへの羞恥心である。理解すべき重要なことは 感情的な問題を抱えることは恥ずかしいことではないしかし、私たちが普段見せようとしている完璧な外見とは対照的に、それはまったく一般的で普通のことなのだ。

健全な責任

を簡単に列挙する。 健全な家族関係の基本原則 私の見るところではね：

健康で成熟している 大人が責任を取る for their feelings, actions and life circumstances, and do not expect their children to share this responsibility (responsibility for parents’ emotions).

健全で成熟した親の役割とは 子どもたちの成長を支えるそして最後に、自分自身のアイデンティティを確立する。 分離 親から離れ、自立する。その過程で、親も子もお互いを成熟した責任ある人間として見ることができる雰囲気を作ることができる。

の健全な役割 子供たち それは おやをたっとぶ親は成人した人間であり、自分の人生の面倒を見ることができる、責任ある存在なのだ。 

Sometimes parents expect from their children gratitude, “paying back of the debt“, and sometimes this means that 子供たちは犠牲になることを求められる their personal needs in return, even their own individuality and independence. Mature and responsible parents understand that the children do not owe them and especially that they are not obliged to sacrifice their happiness for the parents’ sake. Life by itself, just like investing time, energy and money in a child, is an immeasurable gift for which a healthy child, when adult, will feel gratitude, but in the instant when parents start to demand expressions of this gratitude or even the child’s sacrifices, それは自由に与えられる贈り物ではなく、取引や恐喝になる。. For children this is an extreme burden, not being loved or brought to the world for themselves, but only to pay back for this “gift” someday. In a very small child this will create a huge felling of guilt and lack of self-esteem.

It’s natural that young adults give their own lives and families (partner and children) priority. Taking responsibility for parents’ needs, feelings and happiness, sacrificing oneself, trying to make parents happy – automatically means putting the parents into a child’s role and 大人としてではなく、弱者として認識する and able people. The parents’ expectation that the child should fulfill their emotional needs and should live their desires is one of the most common sources of suffering, emotional disorders, guilt and problems in relationships, which are often carried over from generation to generation and can be difficult to release.

I don’t claim that people should abandon sick and old parents – but some physically healthy parents expect their offspring to neglect their own families to take care of them. Healthy adult children will give necessary help to disabled parents and still see them as responsible adults.

不健康な親：その結果

子どもは大切な大人を信頼する必要がある.この欲求は非常に強く、多くの選手の根底にある。 トラウマと有害な信念これらの防衛機制は、子供が親を信頼し続けるための手段として作られる。信頼の必要性のほかに、愛すること、愛されることの必要性もあるため、小さな子どもは身近な人を愛し続けることができるように、多くの防衛機制を作り出す。

特に3歳未満の子どもにとっては、親への依存度が極めて高い時期に、親や親の愛に頼ることができないという意識は、あまりに恐ろしい体験である。そのため、彼らは自発的に、無意識のうちに 親を正当化する.親が不適切な行動をとった場合、子どもはしばしばその責任を負い、その責任を作り出す。 どくしん about themselves. Beliefs like: “I am not good enough”, “Something is wrong with me“, “My feelings are not important“ then become rooted in the foundations of personality and affect the adult life. We can feel them especially in situations that remind us of circumstances that originally triggered such beliefs.

For example, if a parent is shouting, insulting or ignoring the child, for a relatively insignificant mistake, which can often happen if the parent is frustrated by other life circumstances, the child must either recognize that the parent is acting in an immature, unjustified and unreasonable manner or trust the parent and make a conclusion that their own mistake must be so big that it justifies such a strong reaction. An older child could feel relatively safe to recognize the parents’ imperfection, but a child who is two or three is not able to do so. A 小さな子供は、ほとんどの場合、親を信頼することを選ぶ。 – creating the belief that even small mistakes are unacceptable. It is very hard, if not impossible, to be “perfect”, especially if you are a child, so naturally the next step for children is to convince themselves that they are not good enough and that something is wrong with them. Some older children will try to defend themselves from this feeling by rage and spite, but these are just defense mechanisms, not solutions.

Adults often hold children responsible for own feelings – an adult that is in any way irritated by a child’s behavior, might automatically conclude that the child is at fault, rather than checking the background of their own feelings, or other possible causes of the child’s behavior.

子供に対する敬意の欠如

という理由だけで、多くの大人は子どもたちに敬意を払わずに接している。 子供たちは経験が少なく、自己表現能力が低い。.荒々しく、冷たく、命令口調で、子供たちをあるレベルまで無視したコミュニケーションをとる大人は、残念ながら、未熟ではあるが、知的で、貴重で、感じることのできる対等な人間として子供たちとコミュニケーションをとる大人よりもまだ多い。

Even accumulated experience does not necessary mean that adults are always right. This is more obvious when we look back into the past, when children’s healthy behavior and needs were opposed by cruel and rigid beliefs of adults – who, of course, assumed that they were right. Even today similar behavior is common, although in subtler ways.

I think there is a difference between wisdom and “plain“, rational knowledge: 知恵とは、感情、経験、論理的思考が調和したときに生まれるものだ. In this area, children may sometimes have an advantage over the adults, since they are much more spontaneous and allowing their feelings to flow. Their handicap is the inability to consider perspectives and information which can be acquired only through experience and learning. For children it’s also much more difficult to find the right words to express themselves.

外国語で誰かと話すとき、私たちは不快感や不安を感じるかもしれない。 それを表現する適切な言葉を見つける.自信に満ち、言葉も論理も達者な大人の前でも、子どもは同じように感じることができる。大人はしばしばこの事実を利用し、子供が怪我をすることなど考えもしない。

権力と期待

セラピーとは、トラウマ的な経験を解決するだけでなく、一見ポジティブに見えるような微妙な状況の結果も解決することを意味することがある。 親は権力感を楽しむかもしれない and importance, and the fact that they have more knowledge and experience than a child – for some people that might be the only chance to feel competent – while others, with best intentions, might have too high expectations from a child, or expect the child to be somehow “special“. 

子どもは、力強くて賢い親を理想とする。, to admire parents and wish to fulfill their expectations, especially of the opposite sex parent. Occasionally I work with people to whom such circumstances left quite unpleasant consequences – the feeling that they are 期待に応えられない自分は決して十分ではない、と。多くの場合、彼らは自分に好印象を与えてくれる人に惹かれるが、その人は自分の能力や価値を低く感じさせてしまう。

まさに、私たちが過ごしてきた人生において エネルギーの大半 を追求することは難しいかもしれない。 子供たちが違うことを許す and live their own lives and beliefs. People focused on material goods will expect their children to follow such values, and the children’s interests and feelings will be less important. People who are intellectually focused will care less of formalities and material goods, but it might be even harder for them to accept that their children have different interests and values. When something is important to us, we wish that people who are close to us agree with us, and we might try to control our children quite rigidly, or love them conditionally.

児童心理学や養育に関する書籍の人気が高まっている。しかし、他の自己啓発と同じように、特定のアプローチの意味や目的をあまり理解しないまま、表面的な結果を得るためにその方法を使うことがある。表面的には適切なコミュニケーション・スキルを適用しているように見えても、子どもを本当に理解していない人もいる。 早い結果を望む. Their nonverbal communication – especially their tone of voice and facial expressions – will still show lack of patience and respect (especially if the results are not as desired). 

一般的に、子どもは大人よりも敏感である。 言葉だけよりも、非言語的なシグナルや感情エネルギーに影響される. If non-verbal signals conflict with spoken words, it is natural that the child’s motivation to cooperate will not increase. The parent often attributes this lack of success to the child’s character.

外部からの影響

Most parents believe – and in some way they are right – that they give the best they can to their children. When children start to behave in unwanted or unhealthy ways, this is usually attributed to the influence of other children or the media. 

仲間やマスメディアの影響 becomes important at a somewhat later age, after the critical years of personality development are over (the first three years of a child’s life). But even when those outer influences become stronger they can’t influence a child’s personality as quickly and powerfully as those early and unconscious impacts do, they just 既存の要素を強化する in the child’s experience and feelings.

無意識の欠如

I want to emphasize that children’s personalities are not only created by what is present and given in their surroundings, but also by 足りないもの. For many families this is difficult to understand, since their point of view is, although not verbalized, that children are a kind of “tabula rasa” and that they can’t miss something they never even knew.

Many people who start researching their feelings and subconscious minds discover that, as children, they needed and expected much deeper and better quality love than is usually available in our society, especially considering the organization of society and its demands of children and parents. It’s interesting to ponder where this need comes from if we never had a chance to experience and know this kind of love before. 

In every communication among humans, no matter what age, most nonverbal communication is perceived and processed on the unconscious level and influences the relationship through vague impressions about the other person, rather than through conscious interpretation. When a child is very young, which is the most important stage of development, 非言語的コミュニケーションは、言語的コミュニケーションよりもはるかに影響力がある。, which the child can’t even yet understand well. Here lies the reason for many problems in behavior that parents later can not understand and often deny responsibility for.

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