自分のために立ち上がる方法

Protecting one’s own 個人的な境界 and finding balance with other people, whether family or strangers, and often in subtle ways, are everyday parts of a human life. Testing and pushing on others’ boundaries is normal in a relationship of a child to a parent, and is still very much present among adults, too. Some people feel their disrespect of others’ needs and decisions as so normal they won’t even notice when they do it – while others 気づかないかもしれない when it’s done to them. Most people learn to disrespect their own or other people’s needs in a very early age, depending of how their parents set their own boundaries, how they react to the child expressing his/her will, but also of how they treat each other.

In adulthood, the most important boundaries are those one sets with a partner and children. Since a partner is usually acquired before children, if you set boundaries with him/her first, later it’s easier to do it with children, too. A problem is that, usually, an adult person has much stronger and better solidified ideas about what is normal and acceptable – ideas which are not necessarily overly healthy.

A bigger problem is that many people – especially those who are naturally (or were raised to be) more considerate, insecure and/or responsible – feel a need to please their partners, which often turns into ignoring one’s own boundaries to accommodate the partner.やがて、自分の欲望、ニーズ、価値観を否定することに慣れてしまう人もいる。 口汚い 少なくとも、フラストレーションと失望に満ちた関係の中で。

Let’s say Mike and Tiffany agreed on a date, but Tiffany is late. She’s 15 minutes late, 20 minutes, half hour… and she doesn’t call or respond to calls. Mike feels frustrated, but doesn’t want to risk a potential romance before it even started, and decides to say nothing “this time”. He hopes this is an isolated case and not a habit of Tiffany’s. Perhaps Tiffany finally shows up with some weak excuse, or she only sends an apologetic message the following day. Mike is not happy with her behavior, but only grits his teeth and asks when they could meet again, because he likes Tiffany too much to “rock the boat” so soon.

Or, say, Anthony introduces Danielle to his friends, and proceeds to share private details from Danielle’s life with the group, or makes disparaging comments in her direction, probably presented as jokes. Danielle later complains about his behavior. Anthony will almost certainly say, “You are 敏感すぎる, I was just joking!” Danielle thinks, “Maybe I’m truly overreacting? Maybe it’s my problem if such things hurt me? When we are alone, he’s not at all bad! Best not to risk the relationship over such a small thing!”, and allows her needs to be silenced under the treat of being labeled as too sensitive.

ティファニーとアンソニーが無礼な振る舞いをしたのか、それとも単に思いやりのない振る舞いを普通のこととして受け入れるように育てられたのかは別として、 once they experience there will be no consequences, next time it’s even easier to repeat such behavior. They might even be more and more convinced that such behavior is acceptable, and might be surprised or offended if their partners object to it. On the other hand, Danielle and Mike might find it easier to ignore their own needs after they’ve already done it before. Thus an unpleasant surprise 習慣になる. 

人間は適応できる生き物だ。 自分の意志に反してでも、無意識のうちに不愉快な状況に慣れてしまうことがある。 if we stay around long enough. After a while, we could be surprised when we look back and realize how many things we’ve learned to tolerate which we thought “we never would”.

If you think about all the variety of inconsiderate and irresponsible behavior you’ve gotten used in your own environment, perhaps you’d be surprised to realize how much of it is considered “normal”, not only in personal, but also business relationships: manipulation, dishonesty, various power struggles, exploitation… People who do these things usually find 心の正当化と言い訳 for them, usually because they’ve seen it justified or at least tolerated within their families and cultures. 

バランスを取る

To set boundaries, you don’t need some measurable, external confirmation you are “right”. It’s not so important, or sometimes even possible, to know who is wrong and who is right. What is important are 互換性と相互配慮.良い境界線を設定できるようになるには、それが必要だ：

1) 交際のリスクを恐れない /仕事/その他何でも

2) 開発 バランス感覚. 

Developing a sense of balance is not so difficult in theory, especially as this is partly an innate human instinct. It might be trickier if your family trained you to believe you don’t have the right to express your needs and you’d be punished if you are angry or have demands. (Also you might have a problem with balance if your family taught you to believe that you are “special” and your needs are more important than others’.) Still, even then ほとんどの人は、自分の欲求と他人の欲求のバランスをとる本能を保っている.からの状況を検討するのに時間がかかる。 複数の視点 そして、何が最も理にかなっているかを決める。

If you are generally responsible and lean toward self-questioning, it’s more likely that you’d disturb the balance at your own expense than at somebody else’s. Keeping that in mind, it’s important to pay attention and give weight to your own needs as well as other people’s.そのためには、幼少期に抱いた古い罪悪感や、罰や見捨てられることへの恐れと向き合い、解決する必要があるかもしれません。私たちはそのお手伝いをすることができます。

If you are used to emphasizing your own needs and dismissing others’, and you want to change this (congratulations, you are a rarebreed!), you might need to confront your fear of losing power, losing control, and perhaps losing a sense of specialness compared to other people. Don’t give up; such 権力、支配力、重要性は幻想にすぎない anyway, or at least are very fragile. Self-esteem, happiness and relaxation you can achieve in healthy, balanced relationships are much more real and lasting. You will also need to exercise seeing other people’s perspectives and a conscious attitude of appreciation for other people’s needs.
If you are used to emphasizing your own needs and dismissing others’, and you want to change this (congratulations, you are a rarebreed!), you might need to confront your fear of losing power, losing control, and perhaps losing a sense of specialness compared to other people. Don’t give up; such 権力、支配力、重要性は幻想にすぎない anyway, or at least are very fragile. Self-esteem, happiness and relaxation you can achieve in healthy, balanced relationships are much more real and lasting. You will also need to exercise seeing other people’s perspectives and a conscious attitude of appreciation for other people’s needs.

罰への恐怖

Now let’s talk about the more difficult part: not to be afraid of losing a relationship (or something else you hope for). Such an attitude is usually most difficult to achieve in early stages of a relationship, when hopes are still high, while first 赤旗 些細な、あるいは偶然に見える。しかし 付き合い始めは、境界線を主張する最も重要な時期である。 そして私たちのニーズを表現する。

自分自身や自分のニーズを表現することが、相手から罰せられたり去られたりすることを意味するのであれば、その人は明らかに、バランスを求めたり、協力したり、思いやりを持ったり敬意を払ったりすることに慣れていない。したがって、明らかに 今後も同じ態度を取るだろう. It’s not likely you want or need such a person in your life. In such a case, it’s better to recognize this on time, than when it’s too lateそうだろう？

あなたのコミュニケーションが平和的で建設的である限り、相手が癇癪を起こしたり、非難したり、あなたを脅かそうとしたり、屈辱を与えようとしたりすることは、その人が以下のような人であることを意味する。 あなたを見下し、操ろうとしている. Even if you are used to this kind of behavior, it doesn’t mean you should accept it. If such behavior is present in the beginning of a relationship, there can only be more of it in the future. 唯一受け入れられる答え 穏やかな方法で境界線を設定するには、平和的で責任感があり、思いやりのある議論や交渉が必要です。そうすることでしか、将来健全な関係を築くことはできません。 関係が健全であれば、バランスを求めることでそれを損なうことはできない。.これは恋愛関係だけでなく、友人関係、ビジネス、その他のあらゆる関係においても言えることだ。

Sometimes, fear of losing a relationship is not the result of a realistic perception of one’s partner, but 幼少期の家族経験.おそらく、あなたのパートナーは責任感があり、協力する気があるのだろうが、あなたの想像では、あなたが自分の要求を表明した場合の明白な反応は、怒り、罰、または放棄であろう。これは次のことを意味する。 あなたの期待はあなたの過去から来る今の時代ではない。それがどこから来ているのかを知り、自分の中にある子どもの部分に働きかけて、安心感を得られるようにし、新しい考え方や感じ方、行動の習慣を身につける必要がある。これらはすべて、私たちがお手伝いできることです。

時に最大の難関は、それを認識することである。 絆が強すぎる 相容れない相手との関係は、無意識のうちに、その相手との関係を求めている結果なのだ。 代父母.そのような結びつきは、働きかけ、変容させることができる。このような感情的なもつれによって、人はもう幸せになるチャンスはないかもしれない、今の恋愛相手よりいい人は見つからないかもしれないと感じるようになる。現実には、自分の境界線をはっきり表明したからといって、あなたを罰したり見捨てたりするような人よりも、もっと健全であなたにとって良い人はたくさんいる。親の代わりを求めた結果の感情的な絆は、次のようなものでなければならない。 内側から癒される, working with your “inner child”, rather than trying to keep a partner at all costs.

協力が得られなかった場合の結果を決める

What if you are in a long term relationship or married, perhaps with children, and you recently realized that you spent years getting your partner (and yourself) used to not pay attention to your needs? Or, what if you are still in an early stage of a relationship, you recognize that your partner doesn’t have a well developed sense of balance and consideration, but you believe it can be changed?

一番やってはいけないことは、実行に移さない脅しをかけることだ。, whether because you don’t dare to, or you take pity on your partner. The second most ineffective approach is to keep trying to convince your partner to change with demands and pleas, while not changing anything in your behavior. Every time you do it, and every time your partner successfully ignores your words, you weaken yourself and your boundaries. (All of this is true in relationships with children, too.)

このような状況において、最善かつおそらく唯一の効果的なアプローチは、以下の通りである。 determine practical consequences of ignoring your boundaries – in advanceそして命がけでしがみつく。それを罰と呼ぶのは勝手だが、そのような結果は、健康で自信のある人がどう反応するかということ以上（あるいはそれ以下）であってはならない。それを実践するためには、結果は次のようなものでなければならない。 適度で現実的相手をやる気にさせるのに十分な不快感を与えながら。

Rather than threaten to end the relationship, try this: your partner doesn’t want to do their share of household chores? Let them wash their own clothes and cook their own food for a while at least. Your partner keeps being late when you need to go somewhere? Leave without them (if possible start using this approach in less important situations, rather than when you are in a rush to get on a plane). Your partner is embarrassing you in public? Leave them there and go home by yourself (preferably let them use public transport rather than leaving them the car). Your partner wants you to cancel your other tasks and agreements because they suddenly want you to do something else? Let them go where they want by themselves, while you stick with your plans. A temporary separation is a possible consequence for worse misbehavior, but best to determine in advance when this is appropriate, and who should stay where.

理想的だ、 結果を事前にパートナーに警告する of their behavior, so they know what to expect and cannot accuse you of a temper tantrum or manipulation. Explain your partner why the need for such approach (because, obviously, words didn’t help). Does it sound a bit like raising a child? Yes, and it would be great if that wasn’t needed, but the reality is also that many adult people don’t want to take adult responsibilities.

Your partner might try to accuse you of controlling or manipulating them. Then it’s time to talk about what does balance in a relationship mean to them, and whether you are compatible at all. 期待やニーズは相手をコントロールすることではない, if there is no pressure to stay in the relationship – and also if you focus on what is really important to you, rather than insisting on things being your way every time. As usual, the key is in finding balance.

If it’s obvious that your partner doesn’t want to change something that for you is a requirement to continue the relationship, then it’s 無理に関係を変えようとするよりも、平和的に関係を終わらせる方が公平だ。 in the way they don’t want to (even if such a change would be healthier for them). Everybody has a right to decide how they want or don’t want to change, and whether they want to stay in a certain relationship or not. The only obstacles to this – and the causes of various manipulative and controlling behaviors – are various childish fears, financial concerns, and the oversimplified tradition that says, “‘Til death do us part”. None of this is necessary in a modern society (ok, financial concerns can be realistic, but rarely unsolvable), and it’s certainly better to make your decision sooner rather than when it’s too late.

恐れや罪悪感を感じるか when you consider determining consequences for somebody’s unpleasant behavior? Perhaps you were abused as a child, or in a previous relationship, or you might be 濫用 in a current relationship, so you learned to fear punishment and violence if you stand up for yourself like a healthy adult. If your current partner makes you afraid, recognize that it’s likely a result of abuse rather than a normal state, and it’s time to seriously consider leaving that person. And if your fear comes from your past, this is not so difficult to work through and change.

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