虐待の加害者・被害者とともに働く

If for whatever reason you are interested to learn about the topic of abuse, I strongly recommend the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. This book is especially useful for dismantling some common myths about what causes abuse and violence – whether physical, emotional or verbal – and for understanding how abusers control their partners and why.

While I believe that the author exaggerates somewhat in his claim that it’s usually men who abuse women to the point of deep trauma and violence, and rarely the other way around, I suggest that you avoid getting carried away by that part of the debate, and read the book because it’s full of detail, experience and practical insight. No matter your age, gender and sexual orientation, it can help you recognize the causes, strategies and 赤旗 虐待を受け、やがてそのような関係から抜け出せることを願っている。

I’ll mention here some of the important insights Bancroft’s book offers, and in the rest of the article I’ll talk about my own experience working with abusers and victims of abuse (although that experience is somewhat limited considering that I only work with voluntary clients, unlike social service workers and related institutions).

バンクロフト曰く 虐待者の主な特徴は次のとおりである。:

– They are しみじみ (家族や文化的モデルから学ぶ） that dominating and controlling one’s partner is acceptable and justified.従って、虐待は主に幼少期のトラウマ、低い自尊心、自制心の喪失やそれに類するものの結果ではない。虐待は主に、それを許し正当化する価値観の結果である。

– They find significant and often conscious 権力の享楽 パートナーの上に立ち、バランスよりも特権を得る。

– They are 例外的に自己中心的で、自分のニーズや欲望を優先すべきだと確信している。, while their partners’ needs are secondary if not irrelevant (such childish egotism can indicate they are searching for a 代父母実在の人物ではなく）。その場合、彼らは 挑発と受け取る パートナーが自分の意志、異なる意見、異なる願望を表明するたびに。 

– 彼らにとって関係とは、協力や相互性ではない。関係は彼らのために、彼らだけのために存在する。

– They mentally 罪悪感や思いやり、責任を感じることを避けるために、自分のパートナーを客観視する（人間性を奪う）。そして、被害者を批判し、自分の虐待行為を非難するためのあらゆる言い訳を見つける。彼らは文字通り、パートナーをある種の所有物として認識するようになる。(文化的、宗教的、伝統的な影響もこれに一役買っている）。

– In time, under influence of their own excuses and dehumanizing their partners, they より高いレベルの虐待に寛容になるそして、ますますコントロールを失いやすくなる。

– 温厚で親切な振る舞いの期間は、彼らの戦略の一部である。 (被害者に新たな希望と信頼／思いやりを植え付ける）。

–人前では、乱用者は魅力的でリラックスしており、社交的であることが多い。. They might be charismatic, and some abusers might even come across as shy and mild-mannered. They can express genuine compassion and respect for people other than their partners and children, because they don’t perceive such people as property and responsible for pleasing them. This confuses the victim and makes it more difficult for the victim’s claims to be taken seriously.

これらの特徴や行動はすべて、意識的であるか無意識的であるかのどちらかである。 多くの場合、他の人たちよりも、たとえ援助の専門家であっても、より慎重である。. Bancroft mentions many situations in which his clients let their guard slip for a moment and revealed deliberate, convoluted manipulative strategies and awareness of how those strategies might influence their partners. They simply don’t perceive their partners’ feelings important enough to consider.

自発的なクライアントである虐待者へのコーチング

私は男性にも女性にも、パートナーが自分のニーズを無視し、自分に対して冷たいと訴えるクライアントがいたが、後になって、たいていはカップルコーチングで、パートナーを支配し、抑圧していたのは実は自分だったことが判明した。 Sometimes it’s the abuser who first seeks coaching or therapy, who presents themselves as very sensitive and aware of the need to improve communication. This type of abuser can skillfully manipulate an inexperienced helping professional and “recruit” them as their “flying monkey” to confuse and weaken the victim even more.

時には、客観的で公平でありたいという願望が、私を少し も 少なくとも最初のうちは、詳細が明らかになるまでは、客観的で公平だった。加害者はそのことに気づいていることが多い。 あなたの味方を非難することで、あなたを操る. They are also likely to hide details or lie about them. Therefore, if you are a helping professional, as soon as abuse is mentioned, it’s important to 物事の両面を探る 虐待者が最初に助けを求め、自分が虐待やネグレクトの被害者だと主張することもあるからだ（そして、本当にそう信じていることもある）。

そのような状況で注意しなければならないことがいくつかある：

–加害者は自分の欲望や欲求に集中する傾向がある。, and rarely if ever mention or show understanding for their partners’ feelings (although, some might pretend that they do care, if they are skillful enough). As this is not so far away from average human behavior, you need to be very careful and pay attention to instincts that warn you there might be something strange here. If at all possible, ask to talk to their partners to hear their side of the story. 

– 被害者の役割は、特に陰湿な虐待の一形態である。

– Some abusers might admit certain violent and controlling behaviors, but they are likely to 正当化と最小化 彼ら。繰り返しになるが、状況をよりよく把握するために、非常に具体的な詳細を尋ねること。その際、できる限り冷静で中立的な態度で臨むこと。

– Sometimes (but certainly not always) an abuse victim might come seeking help to “become a better person” and please their partner, believing that abuse related problems are their own fault and responsibility. 

– 加害者はパートナーを責めたり、自分の意見を確認したり支持を求めたり、専門家を勧誘したりするかもしれない。 to help them criticize and control their victim. The helping professional needs to be particularly careful and skillful to find out enough details while avoiding being perceived as blaming, suspicious or partial. Again, pay attention how much understanding, empathy and respect does a client show for their partner’s needs.

– Abusers might be 被害者を支配する権利があると深く確信している. Their strong belief can make their non-verbal communication congruent and convincing. Some of them might say they want to resolve their own emotional issues “which make them attract such problematic partners”, and you might only later find out that what they actually want is to control their partners. As a professional cannot read minds and it would be foolish to pretend to, in the beginning it might be impossible to be sure how things really are. 潜在的な不自然さ、自分の行動に対する言い訳、非現実的な期待に気づくよう、常に注意を払う。 パートナーの。また never criticize or make judgments about a partner you’ve never met.

– As soon as you 直面する 非現実的な期待、言い訳、攻撃的な行動をする虐待者、 彼らはあなたを非難し、言いがかりをつけ、あなたを操ろうとする。 in various ways, including threats to damage your reputation and, in the worst cases, to your physical safety. Most times, an abuser will try to punish you with passive aggression (refusing contact with you, refusing to answer questions during sessions, victim games…), while their active aggression is often reserved for their partner. If you work with voluntary clients, it’s much less likely that someone would threaten actual physical violence, but they could threaten to sue you or damage your public image. Consider up front, if possible, how do you want to deal with such threats. Keep in mind that few abusers would put their threats into practice just because you tell them your thoughts. Even if they do, they are not likely to reach enough people to create significant damage, especially if you have already established a reputation of quality for your practice.

– Regardless of whether you believe a client to be an abuser or a victim of abuse, helping them discover and deal with their childish emotions, toxic beliefs, and sense of inadequacy is unlikely to hurt anybody. Even narcissism usually もろい自己意識を隠す と深く抑圧された不全感。より軽度なケースでは、虐待者の中には、次のようなことを自覚している者もいる。 自分自身をより良く感じるとき, they don’t need to be pleased all the time by their partners, and they can allow themselves to see other perspectives and feel more empathy for their partners. Still, be aware that working on emotional issues is often 足りない 虐待者が虐待と向き合い、改めようとしない場合、虐待行為を解決するには 核心的問題：価値観 それは、相手を軽視し、操り、支配することを正当化するものである。

– If at all possible, パートナーとの同行を義務づける for a couple session at least once. Many “milder” abusers are less likely to lie with abandon if their partner can hear and confront such lies. Of course, sometimes the victim of abuse might be too afraid (or too manipulated) to disagree with the abuser and give their own version of the story, but such couples are not likely to voluntarily ask for coaching or therapy anyway.

– Be aware that abuse doesn’t necessarily include physical violence; various forms of manipulation, insults, criticism, demeaning comments, intimidation or passive aggression are also abuse and can have heavy consequences for a victim’s self-confidence and personal boundaries.

虐待被害者へのコーチング

Victims of various forms of abuse might be aware they are abused, but not know what should they do – or sometimes they might believe it’s all their fault. I had a few clients who were convinced they were abusers, and later it turned out they were guilt-tripped by their partners to believe that asking for healthy balance and expressing their needs was abuse. Words have power, and playing with words to twist one’s perception of reality is one of the favorite weapons of abusers.

いずれにしてもだ、 加害者も被害者も を条件としている（あるいは独学で学んでいる）。 虐待を正当化し、最小限に抑える被害者が共感と責任を感じすぎて、逆に虐待してしまうことが多いとしても）。ここでもまず、できるだけ具体的な詳細を見つけることに集中する。

Many victims were “trained” (or self-trained) as small children within unhealthy families to be 特に責任感が強く、思いやりがあり、寛容で、自分の欲求を最優先する。 while taking care of others. Abusers can often “sense” such personality traits in others, and they usually start with mildly 被害者候補の検査 相手が納得して譲歩するかどうかを確かめるために、軽はずみな批判、操作、境界線の押し広げを行う。

被害者は通常、次のような支援を必要としている。 相手の気持ちやニーズをより大切にする (虐待者は主に自分の欲求を重視する）。彼らには、自分の目標や価値観に従う権利があることを理解する必要がある。 他人との相性はまったく問題ない. You’ll probably have to help them learn to avoid justifying themselves or trying to prove their point of view to their partners, and simply stick to their own values instead.

虐待の被害者は、おそらく何らかの問題を解決するための助けが必要だろう。 加害者との感情的な絆. A part os such a bond is often something called the Stockholm syndrome, which means that a victim often develops gratitude for small reliefs and rewards occasionally given by the abuser, as well as compassion for the abuser. However, there is another emotional pattern often originating in the victim’s 親との関係, which is reflected in the victim’s 最終的に自分の価値を証明し、承認されることを望むfrom the abuser. A victim lives in hope that the abuser would soon recognize how easily and joyfully they could live in mutual understanding and cooperation (which doesn’t happen because the abuser simply doesn’t value such kind of happiness enough権力や特権と比較して）。これはしばしば 子供たちを未熟な親につなぎとめる希望と同じようなものだ彼らの愛と承認を期待し、それをあきらめるのはとても難しい。これは通常、解決すべき最も重要な感情的パターンである。

共感しすぎ

虐待や操作、支配に走りやすい人は、共感的で責任感が強すぎる人をパートナー（被害者）として選ぶことが多い。非常に共感的な人は、虐待が明らかになったときでさえ、虐待者と一緒にいたいという衝動を感じることがある、 加害者の精神的トラウマを解消し、愛されていると感じられるよう手助けしたい. It’s important to help such a victim understand that it almost certainly won’t help, for the following reasons:

– as the partner is not the real cause of the abuser’s behavior彼らは 解決にはならない, either. My experience with people who were abused as children shows that no matter how kind, caring and compassionate their partner might be, the consequences of childhood abuse cannot be resolved through partner’s help only. The change has to happen internally and requires strong motivation. If an abuse victim tries to help the abuser, それは通常、虐待者をさらに客観視し、軽蔑する気にさせるだけだ。

– The abuser simply doesn’t respect their victim enough to allow them to be of real help. They usually believe in their partner’s inferiority (which often has roots in sexism and patriarchal traditions), so they perceive cooperation as “lowering” themselves, and receiving help as humiliation.

– An abuser usually finds 喜びと恩恵が大きすぎる 操りや支配の中にあるものは、簡単に手放すことができない。相互尊重や協力の喜びや美しさは、権力や支配に見出す快楽に比べ、彼らにとって馴染みがないか、単に興味がないかのどちらかである。加害者と被害者の両方が perceive drama as “exciting” or “passionate”, and a healthy relationship as “boring”.

虐待の被害者が混乱するもう一つの原因は、以下のことに気づくことである。 加害者の個人的な良いところ. It’s easier for the victim to see the human being with virtues and faults in the abuser, than for somebody who only reads or hears about abuse. It’s important to help the victim understand that one doesn’t have to be a monster to be unhealthy, egotistic and violent. Help them understand that they don’t have to hate someone or label them as a monster to leave them. Also, help them recognize the 個人の特徴と人生の価値観の違い.

被害者が、加害者が自分に対してどのような感情を抱いている（と主張している）としても、それを自覚できるようにする、 それは愛ではない. An abuser can desire their victim, be possessive about them, or even need them, but they still don’t respect them or see them as a real human being. 健全な大人の愛は、支配や暴力とは絶対に相容れない。

Help the victim recognize what kind of relationship they really want, and compare it to what they’ve got. Help them recover their self-esteem and trust in themselves – or to build them if they didn’t have the chance to develop those qualities before.

暴力に対する文化的支援

家族や親密な関係における虐待は 他者に対する権力、支配、統制を賛美する文化の一側面でしかない. How many people do you know who admire ruthless “strongmen” in world politics, and justify their crimes? I know some otherwise fairly intelligent people who do. How many times did you read online comments in which people admire manipulators or even thieves, and barely spare a thought for their victims? Or articles in which violent berserk soldiers are lauded as heroes? Or, just consider the traditional ideas of what does it mean to be “a real man”.

世界の暴力、不正、差別に関するさまざまな出来事を読むとき、たとえあなたがそのような衝動に駆られることがなかったとしても。 被害者を非難する, do you notice yourself thinking something like, “Well, that’s just how things are in this world” or, “This is not even so unusual”, or, “That’s how it’s always been”? It’s a sign that you are influenced by a culture that at least tolerates, if not justifies and approves of, injustice and violence.

I hope and believe that things will be much better within 100 or 300 years, just like nowadays things are much better compared to early 20th century, not to mention all the earlier centuries. The progress wasn’t stopped by the two world wars or any other crisis since. In the meantime, it’s the responsibility of each of us who are now alive, to add a brick or two into the foundation of a better world, if possible by being a living example of it. We might not live to see this house being finished, but we can be among its creators.

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