過去からの教訓

最近、何人かの若いクライアントと仕事をするうちに、同じ年頃の自分について考えるようになった。最近は、若い頃の自分に同化して彼女の目を通して物事を見るのではなく、まるで別の誰かを見るように、その思い出を見ることが多くなった。私の脳裏には、何年も憧れ続けた末にようやく比較的自立した生活を始めた小さな本の虫、希望と夢に満ちた明るい瞳が浮かんでいる： 少年私は緑だった。アイルランドの春よりも緑だった。その緑の色合いを適切に表現する言葉は、蛍光色以外にはない。あと少しで、50色の緑になっていたかもしれない。

Growing up in a relatively small community and meeting a limited number of people, I did experience some bullying and injustice, but still within certain limits. Most of it could be explained as either temporary egotism of childhood or misguided projections of adults with toxic backgrounds. I also spent more time with books than people.  At every meal break in my school, I would run into the school library to drift off in fantasy. After school, I would often go to the town library. Occasionally, the library cleaner had to brush dust off of me. While all that reading helped develop my thinking and awareness of my feelings, it certainly didn’t prepare me for the real world. In the books, there is always some pain and injustice, sure, but it’s usually temporary and relatively swiftly overcome (Game of Thrones wasn’t published yet). Lead characters are usually decent people, and the others are more like a blur.

By age of 18, I have already read quite a few popular psychology and self-help books, and was convinced that “any aggression is a cry for help” and that if I’m nice to others, others will be nice to me, sooner or later. I had a lot to learn.

So there I was, joyful about my new-found freedom and eager to start new friendships and perhaps get a part-time job. Internet was still very young, there were no forums or social networks to give me some idea of what to expect. I wanted to give the whole world a chance. Whoever approached me in the streets or in a city park (reading, of course) I would give them a chance. (After all, all the stray encounters in books are followed by interesting developments!) If they would act a bit weird, I would give an internal shrug and think “I guess they have some reason for it.” Well, they did, but not in the way I imagined.

I couldn’t really imagine people seeing me as an object rather than a person. In the small community I grew up in, most people either knew me, or vaguely expected I might be either related to or at least friendly to somebody they knew. With the anonymity of a big city, some people unleash their inner beast. Welcome to the world of sexual predators.

When online discussions come to the topic of sexual harassment and rape, some people lately lash out angrily at anybody who suggests teaching young girls reasonable caution. They say, “Girls shouldn’t have to learn to be cautious, men should learn to see them as people and control themselves!” I agree with all my heart – in theory. But at age of 18-19, what I desperately needed was somebody to teach me how the world は世界がどうこうではなく べきである である。

Those men who approached me perceived my friendliness as a signal that I knew and agreed to what they expected. Most of them couldn’t possibly imagine somebody as naive as I was. Not a week after I arrived to the city, I was chatting with a guy who appeared friendly enough. After a while, he asked me, “Would you want us to spend time together here and there?” I thought he meant to have a coffee together, so I said, “Sure, why not?” He put his arm around my waist. I moved it away. He said, “But you just agreed to…” I said, “I didn’t agree with その!” His jaw dropped: “Well, what did you think it meant?” My jaw dropped.

数日後、私は近くの山へ行こうと誘う男の車に乗っていた。山の頂上で、彼は私にキスをしようとした。私は拒否した。帰り道、彼は林道にハンドルを切り、私に体を投げつけてきた。私はドアに駆け寄り、何とかドアを開けて森の中に逃げ込んだ。そのときはもう暗かった。走って木の陰に隠れ、小さなレストランを見つけるまで歩き、何人かの人に街まで送ってくれるよう頼んだ。その人は翌日電話をくれた（そう、混乱が起こる前に電話番号を教えたのだ）。そう、私は世間知らずだった。そう、私は世間知らずだったのだ。 彼は私が気に入ると思った.私は彼に二度と電話してくるなと言った。もちろん彼は電話してきた。彼はしばらくしてあきらめた。

Next episode (yes, there was a next episode. I know, I know.) was with a guy who offered me a part time job. I certainly needed a job, so I agreed that he would drive me to his supposed shop where I would be working. He drove in silence. Somehow, I felt something was off. I still have no idea what did I sense – smell? Posture? Expression? – but my heart started pounding. My body was screaming, “Get out of here!” At the next red traffic light, I opened the door and left without a word. He didn’t seem surprised. He barely looked back. I trusted my instincts, finally. How many girls didn’t? Or were too polite to leave?

Luckily, I was never truly assaulted or stalked. Perhaps even such violent people were shocked into inaction by my naivety. People I met those days weren’t overly skillful in manipulating, either; by the time I met some such people, I was slightly less naive. Anyway, I stopped responding to men approaching me in the park. That was easier said than done. Slowly, I stopped going to the park altogether.

If I could go back in time and give advice to my younger self, I would tell her: “直感に耳を傾ける. They are not there for decoration only. They have a purpose. You are in a jungle, even if it’s concrete  rather than green. Observe carefully. Open your eyes and ears wide. And don’t sit in the car with strangers.”

I still generally trust people. It turns out well most of the time. But I’m much more discerning now and my criteria are way higher. I was lucky enough to come out of those experiences unharmed. But how many girls (and boys) weren’t so lucky?

女の子に安全への配慮を教えるということは、つまりそういうことだと言う人もいる。 被害者叩き. I don’t understand such black and white attitude. If you said to a child, “Don’t sit in the car with strangers” and the child was kidnapped anyway, would you blame the child or the kidnappers? Teenagers might have more developed brains and more experience than small children, but they are not nearly experienced enough. They cannot easily imagine all kinds of different people out there. Even adult people can never be totally prepared for anything that might happen. Teach your children about finding バランス 警戒と自由の間で。そしてもちろん、男の子にも女の子を一人の人間として見ることを教えるべきだ。その逆を教える有害なモデルが多すぎる。

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