質問: I feel taken for granted in my relationship. I tried to express my concerns, but nothing changed and it nearly caused an argument. I’m avoiding trying to talk about it again because I don’t want another fight. How can I start a difficult conversation if I’m afraid of conflict?
回答:なぜなら、多くの人が自分をはっきりと表現するときに、攻撃されたり失望されたりすることを恐れているからだ。
The fear of conflict can lead to attempting to avoid an unwanted reaction – to control your partner’s response. This can result in low quality communication: lack of full honesty and authenticity. Out of fear, people can try to hide their important thoughts or manipulate their communication hoping to influence the other person’s response. That can make the other person uneasy, because they feel something is missing and they might feel manipulated. If they are a manipulative type, they can also find it easier to manipulate you, using your fear of conflict to make you back off or agree to something you don’t really want.
対立を恐れるあまり、かえって必要以上の対立を引き起こしてしまうこともある。受動的で攻撃的な言動につながり、他者から操られていると受け取られることもある。このような恐れから感情を溜め込むと、やがてコントロールが効かなくなり、未熟で傷つくような暴言を吐いてしまうことになる。このようなパターンが、複数の人間関係を終わらせる原因となっている。
難しい会話を始めるだけでなく、それをやり遂げるためには、自分の恐れに喜んで立ち向かう必要がある。少なくとも、嵐の中の静けさのような、自己愛と自己受容の輝きを自分の中に見つける必要がある。それは嵐の中の静けさのようなものだ。
Recognize that a lot of your fear of conflict is coming from your childhood – but you are an adult now. Maybe one or both of your parents were afraid of conflict and you modeled that fear. But how did it work for your parents? Probably not well. Perhaps some of that fear comes from even more distant ancestors, who lived in very different circumstances.
インナーチャイルド（正確にはインナーチルドレン）とつながり、自分の気持ちを言っても死なないし、殴られることもないと伝える必要がある。感情的な不快感はこの世の終わりではなく、対処できるものだと伝えてください。(殴られることを現実的に恐れているのなら、その関係は早く終わった方がいいに決まっている）。
衝突を恐れる理由は、自分自身の感情に対する恐れである可能性が高い。パートナーに拒絶されたときに、羞恥心、罪悪感、屈辱感、不甲斐なさを感じることを恐れているのだ。これらの感情は強烈かもしれないが、ほとんどの場合、幼少期のトラウマの結果であり、現実ではない。(こちらもチェック 年齢回帰とは何か？)
Tell your inner child, “Your needs are important. Your emotions are just as valid as anyone else’s. You can’t ruin a good relationship by being honest. If honesty about your basic needs would ruin a relationship, then it isn’t the right relationship for you. In that case, it’s better to suffer some pain now, than more pain and wasted time later.”
Remember that just because an emotion is strong and uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean it’s realistic. The more you fight with an emotion, the more you avoid it, the stronger it becomes. So accept it, breathe through it, and focus on being kind and supportive to yourself.
Tell your inner child, “You can’t please everyone. No matter what you do, somebody with different desires might be frustrated and use anger to control you. This happens to everybody. You deserve respectful communication. Others’ anger does not mean something’s wrong with you.”
However, make sure that your own communication is also respectful and mature. If you insult people or use exaggerated accusations, if you attack their personality rather than express concerns about their behavior, you can’t get good results. If you learned low quality communication as a child, you can become less afraid of conflict by learning that better communication gives you better results.
Be willing to make mistakes. There’s no need to do them deliberately, of course, but accept that you might make them. Mistakes are a way to learn. They don’t mean something’s wrong with you. They simply mean you still have things to learn. The whole life is learning. The world is complex enough that no matter how long we lived, there is always more to learn. Just make sure that you consciously learn something from your mistakes. (Check also: ミスを恐れる気持ちを克服する方法)
自分の恐れと向き合い、セルフ・コンパッションを実践すればするほど、衝突への恐れを感じなくなる。難しい会話を始めるのも、だんだん楽になる。不快な感情も穏やかになる。やがて、かつては対立をどれほど恐れていたかを思い出すのが難しくなるかもしれない。
If you’d like some more specific help with resolving your childhood trauma, our オンラインコーチング があなたに合っているかもしれない。
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