自尊心と暴力

In the beginning, I will quote a text of an author I won’t name (because I’m about to criticize them a bit):

“People who love themselves, don’t try to hurt others” says Oprah Winfrey, the talk-show queen. She must have never heard of Hitler, Stalin, Mao Tse Tung… mass murderers with very high self-esteem and self-confidence. She probably hasn’t heard of children who bully their peers. Those wild kids surely lack many things, but not self-esteem.

“Violent people are violent because their self-esteem and self-confidence are unrealistically high. Many violent criminals describe themselves as powerful, special and elite people who deserve special treatment” says Ulla Lovenkrands, Danish psychologist who spent 20 years studying criminal psychology.”

“Street gang members have high opinions of themselves and demand respect from others. Bullies from school playgrounds consider themselves more special than others. Low self-esteem and self-confidence are found amongst victims of violence, not amongst violent people.”

This kind of attitude is typical for people who lack psychological education and the insight in their own emotional processes. It’s surprisingly superficial and hasty from an educated psychologist.

第一に、上記の引用では、外見的な行動のみが認識され、暴力的な人々が自他ともに認めることのできる感情のみが認識されている。 外面的な自信は自尊心とイコールであり、防衛機制は真の深い感情とイコールである。. Self-esteem is also indirectly equaled with lessened sensitivity to others’ needs.

もし、あなたが自分自身の内面、つまり表面的なことよりももっと先を見る準備ができているのなら、多くの場合、次のことに気づくだろう。 ある感情は他の感情を覆い隠し. The feelings that make us feel safer and stronger seem to be protection from deeper and more unpleasant feelings. A simple and common example is that some people weren’t allowed to express anger as children, but they were allowed to cry. They started to feel uncomfortable with anger, maybe even scared of it, but sadness was safe enough, so it could be used instead of anger to express discomfort. Do you sometimes cry out of anger? It might be a sign of such a pattern.

暴力と傲慢さは、その逆のプロセスの結果である。 罪悪感、羞恥心、軽蔑 for oneself and one’s feelings are 怒りと権力欲を抑え、覆い隠す. Perhaps sadness, embarrassment, shame were too frightening, or the environment responded in humiliating ways to them. Such children learn to mask those feelings with false power and confidence, if they notice that it’s a way to avoid being hurt by others. Usually they have そのような行動をとる大人のモデル.

Why do such people scorn gentle feelings and can’t express them? Because they feel them as frightening vulnerability and weakness. Is this self-love? How can such a scornful attitude to the most gentle parts of oneself be called self-esteem? 真の自尊心とは、そのような優しい感情に最も感謝することである。.

表面的な観察者なら、暴力的で傲慢な人間には思いやりや優しさがないと言うかもしれない。それは、彼らが生まれつきそれらを持たなかったか、あるいは自分の意志でそれらを無視したことを意味する。私は、そのような人は 幼い頃から優しい気持ちを抑える そして、それを発展させることができなかった。なぜ彼らはそのような感情を抑圧したのだろうか？明らかに、そのような感情を表現することが心地よく、安全で、周囲の人々に受け入れられ、尊重されていると感じていたからではない。

家族内の感情的混乱

冒頭の引用の著者は、一部の親は子供に特別な存在、他人より優れた存在であると感じるよう教え、非現実的な自尊心を与えるとも述べている。そして desire to be “better than others”, “special and elite” implies that we don’t feel good enough if we are equal to others, “one amongst many”. It means we can’t appreciate ourselves just for being here and being who we are. If we examine such families more closely, we’ll most commonly find an atmosphere in which encouragement is given verbally, but instead of true compassion, warmth and acceptance, children experience 偽善、見せかけ、条件付きの愛.そのような振る舞いをする親は、たいていの場合、自覚がなく、自分の子供時代に経験したことを繰り返しているだけだ。

子供の頃に経験したことは、私たちにとって普通のことになる。その後、そのような子供たちは、他人が穏やかで優しい感情を表現しているのを見ると、次のようになる。 対応する感情を感じることができないかもしれない and motivation to develop them. They might be afraid of such emotions, or guilty for not expressing them, but then the fear and guilt are suppressed and masked by defensive “strength”.

口では励ましや大きな期待を示しながら、実際には温かさや思いやり、健全な境界線が欠けている家庭では、子どもたちは混乱する。大切な人から聞いたことと、自分の本能や感情が矛盾してしまうのだ。自分の感情を十分に認識できず、親を信頼する必要から、そのような子どもはたいてい自分の感情を忘れ、親が提示するものを真実として受け入れる。無意識のうちに、まだ健全な愛の欠如を感じているが、それを意識的に感じ、自分自身に説明することはできない。つまり 愛に代わるものを探すそのため、他人が認める行動や、自分にとってプラスになるものは何でも使う。 一時的な良い感情.そのような代用品は、権力、尊敬、物質的な贈り物かもしれない。

真の強さとは何か？

The claim that violent children have too much self-esteem, is not logical if we consider the fact that such children normally attack the weakest and most frightened amongst other kids, and they usually attack as a group against an isolated child. They won’t attack children who appear strong and ready to fight back, because they play it safe, they won’t risk defeat, hurt and vulnerability.彼らの中には、自分のしたことは間違っていると思ったが、そう思ったから従ったのだと後で言う者もいる。 他のグループの承認とサポートに依存している。それが自尊心なのか？

Hitler committed suicide because he wasn’t able to cope with defeat. It is typical for ruthless dictators that they are 弱さや自信喪失、批判に耐えられない. Why not? Because they deeply love and accept themselves?… No, but because such feelings are too painful, they endanger their defense mechanisms and threaten to uncover intolerably painful fear and shame from their childhood.

子供たちに自分のことを好きになってほしいなら、 彼らの欠点や容認できない行動について警告する。 – so that they can feel that it’s allowed to make mistakes sometimes, and that they will still be loved. Don’t tell them they are better than others, expect huge achievements from them, while in the same time subtly or less subtly putting them (or other people) down for their weaknesses and vulnerability. Show that you respect them, but also yourself, that everybody has personal boundaries and the right to express them.

Some people give everything to children, while neglecting themselves. This is also confusing to a child. This only shows inconsistency, not real love – parents who don’t appreciate themselves and can’t set boundaries, can’t give true love and respect to their child. Then children turn to what they are able to get as substitute – usually material things and favors. The child might feel that this is not right, but doesn’t know how else to feel good. They develop 心理的防衛機制, protecting themselves from confusion by convincing themselves that they are “special” and “better than others”, so that they could continue to use parents and other people around them.

他者への真の敬意と思いやりは、自分自身を良く思う能力からしか生まれない in the same time. Also, we won’t be able to understand and be compassionate to others if we don’t understand and accept our own emotions and mistakes. Some people show respect to others, but not to themselves. This is, however, not motivated by pleasant emotions, but by fear or guilt, which inevitably produces negative consequences: indirect or unconscious manipulation, passive aggression or self-destructive attitude, which shows in self-hatred or even physical disease.

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