有史以前には、人類が生き残るためには子供を産むことが不可欠だった。現在では、人類（そして他の多くの種族）の生存は、私たちがどれだけうまく子供を産めるかにかかっているようだ。 生物学的衝動を抑える. That includes urges for power, hoarding, social status, choosing aggressive leaders… and child bearing. Many of Earth’s resources are endangered, not just oil, and if we want to avoid not just economical crises, but future world wars, we need to make our societies sustainable.
Yet this is just the start of the story, the wider picture. On the individual level, there is so much to pay attention to when raising a child, so many little things that potential parents don’t know or think about. Being a parent is an incredible experience and can be immensely rewarding, yet the number of challenges and 知識不足と準備不足は、しばしば混乱した不幸な家庭を生む。.
If child raising was easy, not so many parents would be so tired and feel overloaded. Many parents can feel so resourceless at times, that, in spite of all the rational knowledge they might have, they find themselves resorting to threats, yelling, blaming, and all the short-term “solutions” they resented their own parents for. How many times did you hear (or say): “I really don’t know what to do with that child anymore!”? That reflects not just lack of communication skills, but also lack of preparedness.
私たちは、かつてないほど子育てが難しい社会に生きている。. Isolated small families that deal with too many of their own issues to have time or motivation to help others, long working and commuting hours, selfish employers, limited finances, school system that brainwashes children instead of supporting their creativity and independence, mass media that promote toxic role-models and do everything they can to manipulate children into thoughtless consumerism… and these are only the external influences. I’m not saying that history was all roses and butterflies, but what modern society lacks is community awareness and support for working parents.
次に必要なのは準備だ：
– the 子供に必要な時間と注意特に最初の3年間は；
– to 常に子供から目を離さない物が壊れたり、子供が怪我をしたりするのを防ぐためだ；
– 子どもの発達段階と行動実験, which might not all be pleasant (self-centeredness, testing your boundaries, adolescence…).
So if you consider having children, think about all the possible challenges and how you might deal with them. Be honest to yourself – your and your child’s happiness is at stake. Be aware that (just like with choosing intimate partners) 生物学的な衝動は、他の理由で合理化され、正当化されやすい。などである：
モチベーション
1) Do you think that “it’s about time”, “everybody has kids” or “ひとはなんというだろう if I’m childless?” Do you feel embarrased when meeting your parents or your friends who have children? Are you afraid that you would be judged as selfish and irresponsible? Biological and societal conditioning might motivate quite a few people to put pressure on themselves, but also on others around them, to have children.
それはさまざまな恐れや妬みによって助長されるかもしれない： 違いを恐れる自分の過ちを認識することへの恐怖が、過ちを正当化する動機になるかもしれない、 羨望 that parents might feel at the freedom they gave up, or envy that the childless people might feel at others’ parental fulfillment… There are many “justifications” of thoughtless criticism of people who don’t have children at an “appropriate” age.
そう感じるか？ 批判を避ける might be one of the important reasons to have children? It means it’s high time to work with your own self-criticism. You might be generally easy to manipulate into doing things against your own judgment, too.
2) Do you feel that “soon it might be too late”, that is, you feel your “体内時計” ticking? Perhaps you feel an urge to have a child which is difficult to describe and explain verbally? This might likely be an experience of 生物学的条件づけ.子供を持つ健康的な理由が他に十分ないのであれば、決断する前によく考えてください。
3) Do you worry about “who will take care of me when I’m old?”, or are you さみしがりや in older age? If that’s your primary motivation for being a parent, you might well end up as a lonely old person anyway. If you lack maturity and skills to be a good parent, your children might not be motivated to stay in touch.
4) Do you want to “mold” your child into a specific type of person?おそらく、あなたと同じようになるため、あなたがいつも夢見てきたことを達成するため、あるいは単にあなたの承認基準を満たすためではないでしょうか？これは、あなた自身の人生に欠けているものへの代償かもしれない。 子供に無理をさせるおそらく将来の紛争の種を蒔くことになるだろう。
People are different, even if members of the same family. We all have different genetic make-up, different temperament, needs, experiences, sense of direction… Consider if you are willing to love your children even if they are different than what you would like? If she disagrees with your values and beliefs, if he chooses a career that you find not good enough, if they are not the “right” sex, or are homosexual, or are かわいくない that you hoped for, if they make “wrong” decisions… That is all quite possible.
5) 子供が欲しいのは、そのためか？ 知識とインスピレーションを共有する 一緒に？やる気があるのはいいことだが、それだけでは良い子育てにはならない。あなたの相続人が 興味がないかもしれない キャリアやライフスタイルにおいて。子育てのモチベーションが他にない場合は、どうすればよいかを考えてみよう。 他の方法で知識を共有する話を聞いてくれそうな人たちとね。
6) Do you hope to “fix” your parents’ mistakes 子育てを通して、自分が持たなかったものを子供たちに与える？ 両親に対する未解決の感情 子供が未熟で要求が多い場合、不適切な反応をしてしまうかもしれない。まずは自分自身を癒し、それから子どもを持つようにしましょう。幸せで満たされた親は、子どもを通して自分自身を癒そうと願う親よりも、はるかに多くのものを子どもに与えることができる。
7)子供が欲しい理由は 自分が愛されたいと思うように、相手が自分を愛してくれることを願っている。? Or give you something similar – respect, compassion, understanding? A child’s love is needy and dependent, not supportive. Even when children are older, it’s likely that 彼らは自分の生活に集中し、あなたのことを当たり前だと思うようになる。. That’s normal – parents should be responsible to fulfill their own needs, rather than expecting the child to provide what they lack.
子供があなたの感情的欲求を満たしてくれることを望むなら、それは次のことを意味する。 のように行動する。 あなた 子供心にあなたの子供は親（またはパートナー）である。それは子どもにとって非常に有害な結果をもたらします。例えば、安全でない、サポートされていないと感じたり、不安や過剰な責任を感じたり、自立したアイデンティティや境界感覚を育むことができなかったりするのです。
健康的なモチベーション それは、自分に利益を期待することなく、子どもたちに自由に与える喜び、子どもたちが成長し、ユニークな人間になるのを見守る喜びである。しかし、自分のモチベーションが（少なくともほぼ）健全であると確信しているとしても、次のような課題に取り組む準備ができているかどうかを考えてみてほしい：
課題
1) あなたは子供が好きなタイプですか？? Can you find pleasure in coming down to a child’s level, in seemingly endless 単純作業と単純ゲームの繰り返し, in activities that have long ago faded from your focus? Can you actively join children in their imagination, find creative and playful ways to motivate them for daily activities that need to be done? If not, that’s not something you should criticise yourself for – humanity would never survive if we all had the same type of personality and interests, and a human society needs people who contribute in different ways. But if you decide to have children, keep in mind not to blame them if you wouldn’t enjoy parenting.
2) Are you ready to give up a big part of your personal time and freedom? In the first few years of a child’s life, a young mother can be grateful even for a chance to get 10 minutes of carefree shower. Perhaps your baby will cry as soon as you are out of sight, or even if away from your body? While babies are under 12 months of age, it’s too early to teach them independence and that “not everything can be the way they want”. This is the stage of transition from the womb into the outer world, and it takes a while. You need to provide enough safety so the child can naturally grow into the next stage – independent exploration. Consider investing into a baby carrier, so that the child feels the comfort of being next to your body, while your hands are free.
3) How will you deal with the child’s demands? Children are usually quite demanding – emotionally, financially, regarding time, attention, through endless questions and challenging behavior. Later, you might need to help them with studying (or, better, use the time to motivate them to do it themselves). Can you stay calm and reasonably happy in such moments? Do you know 境界線の引き方, to reject innapropriate and repeated demands without blame and criticism? How to deal with a child’s tantrums?
4) 外部からのサポートは十分か？ It’s much more natural that a child is raised by a community, not just two or even one person. If you try to raise a child alone, you might “burn out”. The best way for parents to find a balance between their own and the child’s needs is with the help of others. If grandparents or institutions are not available to help, consider if you know other families with small children, so that perhaps you can arrange shared child care. You need to be certain, in that case, that those are emotionally healthy people with good parenting skills, so not to damage the children.
5) パートナーシップは安定し、健全か, built on good foundations? Do you trust your partner to be mature and responsible? Does your partner also want children, and for healthy reasons too? The arrival of a child is likely to bring out and encourage the good and the healthy, but also the bad and the ugly in the relationship between parents. Many couples start to accumulate resentment, complaints and conflicts after a child is born; mothers are likely to feel tired, frustrated and irritable, while fathers might feel rejected, ignored or criticised. Sometimes mothers are so frustrated by exhaustion, they might not easily understand that the father might not have a clear idea what her “Help me!” request actually means. If your communications skills are not good, or if you are not willing to take responsibility for how you feel, パートナーシップは簡単に危機に陥り、崩壊することさえある。.
Some people say that it’s a myth and an illusion to think that parents have to be limited by the birth of a child. Yet, 多くの親が、課題や限界は予想以上に大きいと言う。.もしあなたが親になる経験をしたいのであれば、この記事が熟慮した決断を下し、その後の困難に備える一助となれば幸いである。
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