Points with comments
1. My country is hopeless. I wish to emigrate!
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: “Yes” indicates focusing on the negative, generalizing, black and white thinking, playing the victim – especially if you live in Europe, North America or other moderately developed parts of the world. Even if you emigrated, you may not end up in better conditions. Your life depends primarily on your proactivity and behavior, less on where you live – especially now, with the whole internet on your disposal. There are also many good people around you, if you pay attention to them. You might feel more fulfilled if you focus on how you can work on stimulating and improving the quality of life in your country. Note: a decision to emigrate is not by itself immature; this questions refers to complaining and generalizing.
2. My country has a special place in history.
YES: +3, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +2
Explanation: “Yes” indicates tribal mentality, following biological need for power, a need to feel better than others (without actually doing much to distinguish yourself constructively), arrogance, lack of knowledge of history.
3. The situation in my country is the government’s fault.
YES: +1, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +0
Explanation: “Yes” indicates feeling like a victim, possible lack of responsibility or initiative, perhaps lack of knowledge. Perhaps you project your anger with parents and other early authorities onto the government.
The government is guilty if it steals, is corrupted or makes bad decisions. However, a big part of responsibility is on citizens (if they are lazy, passive, borrow money to spend it instead of investing it, choose their representatives based on superficial criteria…). Also, the world economy and politics influence every country.
4. If my intimate relationship is not perfect, it’s not the right one for me.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: expecting perfection (from somebody else) probably means looking for parent substitute. Often includes avoiding or not recognizing your own responsibility. Your expectations might have been shaped by mass-media. Healthy relationships include frustration, disagreement and conflicts, but they are resolved through mutual respect, accepting differences, calm communication and responsibility.
5. Vegetarianism is stupid.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: “Yes” indicates lack of knowledge, prejudice, generalizing, black and white thinking, lack of tolerance for different beliefs. While you certainly don’t have to agree with other people’s choices, labeling them as “stupid” because you disagree with them shows immaturity.
6. Meat-eating people are aggressive, lack empathy and conscience.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: “Yes” indicates lack of knowledge, prejudice, generalizing, black and white thinking, lack of tolerance for different beliefs. It might indicate playing the victim and looking for somebody to project your anger with your parents to. It’s pointless to blame people for the way nature created things.
7. My child is (will be / would be) special.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: “Yes” indicates competitiveness, comparing yourself to others, false feeling of importance, seeking external approval. You might have great expectation of your children to compensate for your own lack of self-esteem and disappointments. You might idealize your child and ignore other people and their boundaries while fulfilling your child’s desires. You might avoid setting healthy boundaries to your child. You might be in danger of unintentionally committing emotional incest.
8. The universe will take care of me.
YES: +1, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: 0
Explanation: Dear New-Agers, sorry to shake your tree! This is a pleasant and comforting idea, but may indicate: passivity, lack of critical thinking, avoiding responsibility and proactivity, searching for a parent substitute. If you are adult, it’s your responsibility to be proactive in your life. Besides, it might be a bit arrogant to believe that you know how the universe works.
9. I compare my body with other people’s bodies.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: it’s OK to like your body. But if you have chosen this as a measure of your confidence amongst all other possible values, it’s likely that you do not invest enough time and effort in other parts of your life. Perhaps you judge people by superficial criteria. Perhaps you are manipulated by mass-media. The same is true if the comparison results in self-criticism, too.
10. Poor and homeless people brought themselves to such a state.
YES: +2, NO: +1, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +0
Explanation: “Yes” indicates lack of knowledge, prejudice, generalizing, lack of compassion, perhaps avoiding social responsibility. On the other hand, “No” can indicate feeling like a victim, passivity or oversimplifying. An individual’s life is complex – influenced by upbringing, culture, external circumstances, coincidence, politics and/or irresponsible powerful individuals – but also by his or her own decisions made from day to day.
11. People are often worse than animals.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: “Yes” indicates exaggerating, generalizing, black and white thinking, lack of knowledge or ignoring the facts. Fraud, manipulation, killing because of sex or territory (including killing cubs), fighting for power, rape, slavery, scapegoats etc. exist among various animals of the same species, especially more intelligent mammals. Some animals might be friendly to humans if they see them as providers of food and safety (or if bred specifically for friendliness), but it they saw you as competition, they would act quite differently.
Also, consider the number of people who strive to overcome their primitive instincts and act in unselfish ways. There are plenty, even if it’s easier to notice those who are aggressive.
Of course, the reality is that humans commit far more inventive crimes than animals. However, this is not the result of human worse nature, but of human higher creativity, technology and complexity of human society, in which new ways to fight for power are continuously invented. We are all a part of the same nature.
12. I’m often angry with my parents for what they did to me.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: 0
Explanation: although a significant number of people have reasons to feel angry, anger indicates that you probably carry other strong unresolved emotions from childhood, probably helplessness, guilt, shame, feeling inadequate and similar. While this is understandable, resolving those emotions would improve your life and your relationships significantly. A sign of maturity is when you can accept your parents as not perfect, and your past as past.
13. My partner left me for another person. I’m angry at both of them. I hope they will experience the same. (Remember or imagine such a situation.)
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: A break-up is rarely pleasant. However, anger and vindictiveness indicate: possessiveness, lack of empathy, controlling behavior, emotional dependency of the other person and/or transference (feelings for parents are projected onto a partner). You are likely not considering your own responsibility and how you contributed to the erosion of your relationship. An affair will rarely happen if a relationship is thriving.
We cannot always control emotions. People change, or perhaps they haven’t been as compatible as they thought they were from the start. It’s different if your partner deceived or otherwise abused you. That means your partner was immature anyway. If you didn’t notice lies and immaturity on time, did you pay enough attention? Did you tolerate immaturity because you were immature yourself?
14. Women should be women, and men should be men.
YES: +3, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: What does this even mean? Each of us is genetically unique, so it makes sense that there are all kinds of differences among people of the same gender. “Yes” indicates rigidity, shallowness, controlling behavior, prejudice, fear of change and difference, lack of tolerance and lack of compassion for others. This statement in essence indicates a desire to control others so that you’d be enabled to play the role you desire. If you want to give a limiting and subservient role to someone else, don’t be surprised when they don’t want to play it.
15. Feminism is outdated.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: “Yes” indicates lack of knowledge, prejudice, lack of compassion, not paying attention to the world around you. Perhaps you confuse feminism with militant, aggressive feminism, which indicates generalizing and black and white thinking. Patriarchate is still very present even in developed countries, although maybe in more subtle ways than stoning and acid attacks.
Feminism will be outdated when: women receive the same salaries for same qualifications as well as the same chances of promotion; when movies, TV shows and other mass media start focusing on women’s accomplishments instead of their looks, sexuality and intimate relationships; when media cease to glorify violent, egotistic and promiscuous behavior as “manly”; when sharing housework and child care becomes normal if both parents work; when women are not presented as sexual objects in the media (and instead are presented as experts and authorities as often as men); when industries stop focusing on profit only and take care of environment and social justice as well… and so on, the list is long.
16. Everybody only cares about themselves, so I have to do the same.
YES: +3, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +2
Explanation: This is a common excuse of politicians and (other) criminals for their unethical behavior. Many people use this excuse for less-than-ethical behavior on a lesser scale. The fact is, most people (science says about 65%) simply want a dignified life and cooperation with their community.”Yes” indicates avoiding responsibility, prejudice, black and white thinking, lack of compassion, lack of awareness of consequences of your behavior for yourselves and others.
17. If people let themselves be manipulated, it’s their own fault.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +0
Explanation: See 10 and 16. A person who decides to manipulate is primarily responsible for the consequences. Some forms of manipulation are subtle and elaborate enough that even smart and responsible people can be deceived. Some people who end up cheated might have been young, inexperienced, trusting, generous, compassionate, or old and losing their cognitive abilities. Or even stupid, but their genetic lack of potential is still not their fault.
18. My life would lose meaning without my partner.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: Sadness is OK in the event of a break-up, but despair is not healthy and indicates that your partner was a parent substitute for you. A mature person recognizes that (s)he is not dependent of his/her partner, and will look for fulfillment within, instead of outside him/herself.
19. People who decide not to have children, are selfish and unable to love.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +0
Explanation: “Yes” indicates prejudice, lack of tolerance for differences, black and white thinking. Child-bearing can also be motivated by selfish and immature reasons, while the opposite decision might well be a result of an informed and responsible attitude, especially regarding the overcrowding of the Earth. Not everybody is equally talented for anything, parenting included. People who don’t have parental instincts might give a great contribution in some other area of life (Nikola Tesla, for example).
20. It’s important to me to be noticed.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: “Yes” indicates need for power, feeling special, arrogance, a competitive attitude and/or shallowness. You might be seeking for external approval and external sources of self-confidence, instead of building your self-esteem from within.
21. It’s important to me to be able to afford luxuries.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: see entries 9 and 20. Also, “Yes” can indicate pliability, lack of creativity, lack of originality.
22. People should understand how I feel.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +0
Explanation: Are you willing to do the same for others? People usually have many of their own issues and are conditioned by their upbringing and past experiences. Nobody can read your mind. Perhaps you do not show clearly how do you feel? Your responsibility is to communicate clearly. “Yes” indicates playing the victim, avoiding responsibility, lack of compassion for others, perhaps egotism. “Sometimes” can be OK, to include the possibility of truly inconsiderate behavior of specific other people.
23. The world is becoming a worse and worse place.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: “Yes” indicates focusing on the negative, generalizing, black and white thinking, playing the victim. In the past, we would never have heard of much of injustice, crime and immaturity in the world. Much behavior that we consider unacceptable now would have been normal or even expected in the past. Today, there is more and more awareness of need for tolerance, accepting differences, social justice, ecology and compassion. There is more and more knowledge and information, more and more chance to be creative and free.
24. I don’t have the power to change much in the world.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +0
Explanation: “Yes” indicates playing the victim, avoiding responsibility, generalizing. This kind of thinking causes passivity and allows loud minority and predators to prevail. Perhaps you cannot have a big influence on the world, but even a small one can mean a lot.
25. My intimate relationship should fulfill my needs.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +0
Explanation: “Yes” indicates that your relationship with yourself is not healthy enough. Perhaps you try to escape yourself. Seeking a solution in another person, means we don’t feel worthy or able enough to create a fulfilling life. A mature person will primarily focus on finding fulfillment within. The rest is a cherry on a cake.
26. Smart clothes and/or nice makeup mean you like yourself.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +0
Explanation: Caring for your personal style is OK by itself. Healthy self esteem doesn’t mean letting yourself go or not enjoying nice clothes. However, self-esteem and external good looks are two separate categories. Mental and emotional association between those two categories is a result of manipulation by Cosmopolitan and similar media for selling clothes and cosmetics. It also indicates the influence of a patriarchal society, which focuses on women’s looks (more and more it’s sold to men, too) as a way to be be noticed and appreciated, instead of creativity and courage.
27. Self-esteem means to always tell other people what they should hear.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +0
Explanation: “Yes” indicates black and white thinking, simplifying, need for power, lack of awareness of your own feelings. It might be an excuse for arrogance, aggression or avoiding responsibility for how you communicate. Indicates artificial self-esteem, seeking instant solutions instead of responsible self-improvement. “Sometimes” is fine, as long as you take all the facts and points of view into consideration and express yourself in reasonable, constructive ways.
28. My parents gave me life and they are at the first place in my life. Nobody comes between me and them!
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: “Yes” indicates generalizing, idealizing parents, black and white thinking, tribal mentality, rigidity, possible dependence of parental approval. You were likely conditioned by guilt. It is healthy for a child to be grateful to parents, but not to subject other important relationships to them. It is not healthy for a child to feel in debt to parents. Maturity means respecting and considering all people equally, regardless of their relationship to you.
29. I always follow my feelings.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1 / 0 (see explanation)
Explanation: “Yes” indicates prejudice, rigidity, possible shallowness. You might have developed only some parts of your character. Perhaps you didn’t learn to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy emotions. You might be gullible. If you ignore or disparage your rational mind, you deny yourself an important source of information. A sign of maturity is in finding the balance between emotions and ratio.
“Sometimes” brings 0 points only if you had in mind moderate, balanced emotions and situations that do not carry important consequences. Otherwise, take +1 point.
30. If someone truly loves me, (s)he will recognize what I need.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: Even people who love you, grew up in different circumstances and cannot read your mind. “Yes” indicates: exaggerated expectations, seeking a parent substitute, avoiding responsibility for clear communication. Perhaps you are influenced by Hollywood romance movies. You might not have developed healthy boundaries. You might resort to manipulation and criticism if such expectations are not fulfilled.
31. It’s not my fault if people are upset or irritated with my behavior.
YES: +3, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1 / 0 (see explanation)
Explanation: You are not directly responsible for others’ feelings, but you are responsible to carefully examine your behavior and find a balance between yourself and your environment. “Yes” indicates: aggressiveness, egotism, lack of compassion, arrogance, irresponsibility.
“Sometimes” brings 0 points only if you had in mind manipulative, victim-like people, or those who are prone to exaggerating and childish behavior. However, even then it is wise to check if your behavior was mature.
32. Without religion, people wouldn’t have a moral guide.
YES: +3, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +2
Explanation: As we are social animals (i.e. evolved to have instincts for social cohesion), empathy, cooperation and sense of justice are a part of our biological heritage. Parents can raise highly moral children without influence of religion (my own experience). It is more important to teach empathy than dogma to a child. “Yes” indicates: prejudice, lack of knowledge, pliability, rigidity, lack of independent thinking. These might result in hypocrisy.
33. Introverted and/or serious people are boring. Life should be fun.
YES: +3, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1
Explanation: Not all people are stimulated by the same things. Some find a wealth of experience within rather than only in the outside world. “Yes” indicates prejudice, shallowness, generalizing, arrogance, dependence of external stimulation. You might be focused on short-term pleasure rather than long-term happiness. You might be egotistic and disrespectful to others.
34. Logic is superior to emotions.
YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1 / 0 (see explanation)
Explanation: “Yes” indicates rigidity, prejudice, possible shallowness. You might have developed only some aspects of your character. Perhaps you avoid your feelings or your parents taught you that emotions are not acceptable. You might have patriarchal beliefs. You deny yourself an important source of information. A sign of maturity is in finding the balance between emotions and ratio.
“Sometimes” brings 0 points if you had in mind only childish, exaggerated, pathetic emotions. If you had in mind any emotions, take +1.
35. I am the way I am and it’s too late for me to change.
YES: +3, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +2
Explanation: “Yes” indicates avoiding responsibility, using the path of least resistance, laziness, lack of awareness of the consequences of your behavior.
RESULTS:
0 – 6 POINTS: your emotional maturity is above average. You take responsibility for your emotions and behavior. You consider situations from many different perspectives. You appreciate other people. You are aware of your feelings and thoughts on several different levels. Keep on good work!
7 – 27 POINTS: your emotional maturity is within the average range. Depending of the number of points, you might need more or less work to improve the quality of your life. Focus especially on developing awareness of all your emotions, distinguishing adult from immature emotions and exploring different perspectives.
MORE THAN 27 POINTS: your emotional maturity is low. You are likely to exaggerate, manipulate and blame other people. You might express hypocrisy and shallowness. You are likely to be actively or passively aggressive. Your self-esteem is artificial and fragile, so you feel a need for power and/or a need to humiliate others. You probably create vague excuses to justify acting on temporary urges.
What can you do: recognize that such behaviors have long-term damaging consequences and sabotage healthy self-esteem. Practice awareness of all your emotions, not just the most obvious ones. Recognize fear of humiliation and inadequacy that motivates need for power and criticising others. Practice identifying with perspectives and emotions of other people. Focus your anger into constructive action.
CONCLUSION
In this test, the following qualities, skills and values were used as aspects of emotional maturity:
– ability to see things from several different perspectives
– ability to recognize and explore one’s own emotions on several levels
– respect, compassion and understanding for other people
– responsibility for one’s own emotions and behavior
– tolerance for different personalities and different points of view
– proactivity (instead of waiting for others or life to provide solutions)
– healthy self-esteem
This test has not been scientifically validated, so understand it primarily as a way to stimulate your thoughts, and less as a definite assessment of your character. The criteria are high, because the qualities measured are uncommon rather than average.
If you feel that you have given some answers too quickly or without much thought, the answers are still valid – as emotional maturity is expressed through everyday behavior in which we often do not have enough time for much pondering and analysis.
Related articles:
Questions and Answers About Emotional Maturity
