I don’t like my son’s girlfriend, what can I do?

Question: I don’t like my son’s girlfriend, what can I do?

Answer: You haven’t described the situation in detail, but we assume two basic scenarios:

1) either your son has gotten into a relationship with a truly destructive and unhealthy person, or

2) you might be overly critical, and perhaps even jealous of your son’s girlfriend.

In both cases, parental meddling and attempts to change your son’s decision are likely to provoke resistance and a feeling that they are “us against the world,” leading to even stronger bonding between them. The son might view his girlfriend as a “forbidden fruit,” which often increases attraction.

In the first scenario, you probably want to protect your son from harm and unpleasant experiences. This is natural, but sometimes impossible. Remember that sometimes such experiences are the best teacher. You can’t shield your children from life; it’s better to give them a chance to make mistakes and learn from them (especially if it’s about early, non-serious relationships).

In any case, talk to your son with empathy and respect. If you believe your son is a victim of abuse, try to find literature or online discussions on abusive relationships. Slowly and gently raise your son’s awareness about the characteristics of abusers and how unlikely it is that they will change. Ask your son to think about the qualities of his ideal girlfriend and then compare them with the current girlfriend. Encourage your son to work on his self-esteem.

In the second scenario, think about what you’re really afraid of. Are you afraid of losing your first place in your son’s life and influence over his life? (See also: Emotional Incest.) Do you feel his chosen partner “isn’t good enough” for him? Are you worried about what other people might say? Can you accept your child’s independence and separation from you?

Examine in detail what exactly bothers you about the girlfriend. Consider whether you might be projecting your past experiences onto her. Do minor flaws really indicate character defects, or are you exaggerating them? Try to let go of the need for control and recognize the positive qualities of your son’s girlfriend. If you communicate with respect and tolerance, you will likely receive the same in return.

If you’re certain that you respect your son’s girlfriend and aren’t interfering in their life together, but she behaves aggressively or disrespectfully towards you, it’s still important to calmly and equitably discuss this with your son (if possible, with both of them). Explain what troubles you without verbally attacking or insulting your son’s girlfriend. Perhaps it would benefit your son to read our articles on Self-Esteem and Love Relationships.

Read on:

Emotional Incest

Red Flags in Relationships

Difficult Decisions

All articles

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