If you don’t love and appreciate yourself, you may not be aware of it enough. Perhaps you are used to constant internal self-criticism and perceive it as normal, or perhaps you live in a kind of emotional emptiness and detachment from feelings, functioning mainly through the rational mind. You may even have achieved a lot in life, out of defiance or out of a need to prove yourself. But as much as you achieve, it is never enough – even a small criticism or failure can throw you into a vortex of self-deprecation, and feeling comfortable in your own skin can seem like breathing through gills -uncomfortable and unnatural.
Example
Rachel Reiland in her autobiographical book “Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder”, in the scene in which she first beat her son Jeffrey, clearly describes the inner self-loathing dialogue, as well as the way in which self-hatred is transmitted in the family from generation to generation:
“I saw him lying there, now really crying, as thoughts began to swarm in my head: ‘Christ, Rachel, you’re not even a good mother anymore. You have nothing. You are horrible, crazy, awful.’
Jeffrey kept his eyes on me, but didn’t stop crying. He was lying on the floor, whimpering, and the sight and sound reminded me of what a horrible human being I am.
“Damn it, Jeffrey, stop it!” – I screamed. He didn’t stop.
Overwhelmed with rage, I grabbed his shoulder and began hitting him hard until my hand was red and sore. I couldn’t stop myself – until I saw his eyes.
He didn’t cry anymore, his fear overcame the need to express his feelings. But his eyes were wide open, bigger than I had ever seen them. And absolutely, completely horrified. That look stopped me.
The familiar feeling of floating in space came over me again. I knew Jeffrey’s look. I knew that feeling.
It was a normal part of my childhood – enduring tantrums that would come and go equally unpredictably. Reality slowly dawned on me. I beat my child. Just like my father used to beat his. Like I swore I never would. A wave of nausea rose inside of me. I’m just like my father. Even my children would be better off without me.”
Borderline syndrome and self-hatred
Dr. Jerold Kreisman writes,“Borderline personality disorder was until recently considered hopeless, and most therapists avoided such clients. Hospitalization and medication provide quick and easy control of psychosis. But symptoms of borderline disorder are unpredictable, difficult to control, require months and years to see improvement, and can overwhelm a vulnerable therapist.”
On the other hand, the symptoms of Borderline syndrome – destructive and self-destructive behavior such as fits of rage, promiscuity, eating disorders, chaotic and unstable moods and behavior in relationships,excessive attachment to other people, followed by excessive criticism and rejection, excessive reactions to other people’s behavior,manipulative behavior and self-cutting, for example – from my perspective, might indicate an internal conflict between self-hatred and defensive rage.
As I have written more than once, a strong feeling of inferiority will often cause defensive anger. This anger is usually expressed through criticism of others and self-justification (which can increase the internal conflict), but in more severe cases, usually if the person was raised in guilt and fear, this anger can also be directed towards oneself and turn into even more self-criticism. This can lead to an even greater need to defend ourselves from it – and thus the internal conflict becomes even more complex and intense. With time, it can feel like a volcano or a pressure pot about to burst.
Vicious circles
The biggest obstacle for people who hate themselves is that they don’t trust any comforting thoughts. They tend to believe the slightest hint of criticism and rejection from other people –even if they only imagine it – because they expect it and believe they deserve it. They will often interpret harmless behaviors of people around them as directed against them and they base their internal dialogue on that interpretation. Thus, every little improvement in self-esteem achieved by dedicated work will be severely tested and shaken daily.
Rachel Reiland talks about “the feeling of hypocrisy because I have so many friends who seem to love me, when I just know that if they really knew me,they’d all run away at a lightning speed” If you hate yourself,you cannot sympathize with yourself, so it is impossible for you to imagine that someone else could sympathize and understand, to see a good human person underneath the stormy emotions and troublesome behavior. It’s also impossible for you to imagine that other people could really love you – you think it’s just because you act well.You’d expect that sooner or later others would leave you and despise you, so a part of you will want to steel yourself against it, while another part of you will desperately try to “earn”love.
On one hand, you want other people to respect your mask of strength, and on the other, you want them to be able to recognize your real feelings and understand them. However, you do not believe that it is possible to understand and accept them – you believe that your feelings are wrong and bad. This is most likely what you were taught when you were a child – not necessarily in words, but perhaps through your parents’ behavior as well. You cannot forgive yourself for the mistakes you made in the past – for you,they are not the result of inexperience and lack of skill in dealing with emotions, but yet another proof that you are a bad person.
Displaced aggression
Your anger will come out towards the people with whom you feel the safest – such as your intimate partner and children – because the anger needs to get out and express itself, and with less close people you don’t feel safe enough and you can’t predict their reactions. As long as you feel insecure, you will need to protect yourself with your masks,but as soon as you feel safe, the accumulated emotions will find away out. The better you know your partner and the easier it is to predict their reactions, the more confident you may feel to let your anger out in moments when the pressure of feelings becomes unbearable.
You may then pour out on your partner everything you wanted to say to your parents or other guardians when you were a child, without choosing your words and thinking your accusations through. Later, you will come back to reality and realize that you overdid it, and the old guilt and self-criticism will grow stronger. So, over the years, you create more and more layers of self-contempt and self-hatred.
There is almost no person who does not possess this pattern in some form – however, the intensity and consequences of this pattern can be rare and mild or stormy and dramatic, depending on the experiences stored in our brain. The earlier the unpleasant experiences have occurred, the more they are etched into our instinctive expectations and the harder it is to recognize them as unrealistic and unnecessary.
To resolve self-hatred, it is necessary to face it, as well as many painful memories. Perhaps you have suppressed your painful memories and it seems to you that your family was “normal” and that you had a happy childhood. However, as a child has a need to interpret whatever they experience from their family as love, so you may justify your parents’ unhealthy behavior or simply forget and block painful memories. Remember that your feelings were not created by accident – somewhere, sometime, there had to be a cause.
You need to learn to love all parts of yourself and recognize what they really want. We can help you with this, so that, step by step, you learn to empathize with yourself and uncover your true identity.
Related articles:
Borderline Syndrome: Inability To Suppress Emotions From Childhood?
