النص: توضيح

هذا مقتطف من نص الوحدة 1 من تدريب التدريب المنهجي التكاملي. التوضيح هو إحدى الخطوات الأولى في نهجنا، وهو بسيط نسبيًا ومناسب للمبتدئين، ولكنه لا يزال فعالاً للغاية.

ANNA: I felt some resistance in the last exercise. It was about the relationship between me, my mother, and her sister. When I was born, my mother was left in the hospital for the next two weeks, and I came home with my father and my aunt, my mother’s sister. For those first two weeks the aunt was my mother, she was mothering me instead of my mother. Since I can remember, since I was about five years old, I remember that my aunt was more important to me than my mother. My mother was very jealous of the relationship between me and her sister, so she was very controlling, she was even using some force, while my aunt was very supportive. During clarification, I resisted, I refused putting my mother in the place where she should be, because that place was already occupied by my aunt.

حسناً، عظيم. ربما يمكننا إجراء عرض توضيحي معك إذا وافقتِ يا آنا؟

Clarification can be difficult to systematize and describe, because it depends so much of what your client tells you, and that could be just about anything. Let’s see what comes up with Anna and then we’ll learn more about what we can do with it. Anna, imagine to see your mother, where is she in your family map?

ANNA: She’s walking around me.

KOSJENKA: That sounds like there is some confusion about her. Sometimes when you are not quite sure where to start, or as a relatively easy introduction to clarification for a client, you could ask, „What would you like to say to this family member, that you never said or never had a chance to say?” Anna, is there something that you would spontaneously like to say to your mother that you would like your mother to know?

آنا: أود أن أقول لها أن تتركني وشأني وتتركني وشأني وتدعني وشأني.

KOSJENKA: This can also be a part of clarification. Clarification is not just about a formula, although we are working towards, let’s say, an end formula: You are my mother – I am your daughter. Especially if a relationship is difficult, let clients say whatever they want to say at first. You can think of clarification as a conversation in which everything that needs to be brought to the light is brought to the light, with the end goal of coming to an agreement of who is who in a healthy relationship. Anna, go ahead and say to your mother, “Leave me alone.”

آنا: دعني وشأني.

كوشينكا: تحقق كيف ستستجيب الأم بشكل عفوي.

ANNA: She’s a bit surprised now. She doesn’t say a thing but she’s showing me her fist, she’s shaking her fist.

كوشينكا: ربما يمكنك أن تشرح لوالدتك ما الذي أزعجك وما الذي كان يزعجك في سلوكها.

آنا: كانت تصرخ في وجهي، وتضربني، وتقرأ مذكراتي، وتتحقق من أنواع الكتب التي كنت أقرأها لتراقبها.

KOSJENKA: How would mother react if you’d explain this to her?

ANNA: She says that you have to keep your kids on a short leash. Otherwise they don’t have respect for anyone.

KOSJENKA: A few decades ago it was a common idea that you have to control your children quite harshly, otherwise you’d spoil them. People often don’t seem to see much between one extreme and the other. Anna, ask your mother, „Who taught you that?”

آنا: قالت إنها كانت المدرسة. كانت والدتي معلمة.

كوشينكا: لذا كان عليها تأديب مجموعة كبيرة من الأطفال المشاغبين.

ANNA: She was also teaching me, and I remember when she would take me out of the classroom and to the teacher’s room and then would beat me with a cable.

KOSJENKA: Leaving physical abuse aside for now, please say to your mother, „You are not my teacher, you are my mother. I need you to love me like a mother loves her child, not just discipline me like a teacher disciplines a student”. How does mother respond?

ANNA: She’s like frozen.

KOSJENKA: Imagine to step into mother’s place. If that is uncomfortable, you don’t have to feel too strongly what is going on in your mother, just enough to get some information. Imagine to be your mother and to be frozen when your child asks you to love her as a mother loves her daughter. If you are the mother, why are you frozen?

ANNA: (As the mother) I cannot even see that child. My first thought, my first concern is how I look like when I’m frozen this way.

KOSJENKA: Sounds like the mother is very concerned with what people might say. That’s quite often the case when a parent is a teacher; what would people say about their children. Anna, if you are your mother, who taught you to feel all that fear of what people would say?

آنا: أرى أمي.

KOSJENKA: Mother’s mother?

آنا: نعم.

KOSJENKA: That’s very normal, and it’s also very common in clarification that sometimes you need to clarify with another family member before you can continue working with the first one. Where stands grandmother in relation to mother, Anna?

آنا: أمامي فقط.

كوشينكا: ما الذي تود أن تقوله الأم تلقائيًا لأمها، جدتك؟

ANNA: I’m sick and I cannot work, I’m not able to work, I’m sick.

كوشينكا: هل يمكنك أن تعطينا المزيد من السياق؟ كانت الأم مريضة وأجبرتها جدتها على العمل عندما كانت صغيرة؟

ANNA: I don’t know about my mother’s childhood, but when she was a young woman she got pregnant and the child died, and in some complications she got some heart muscle inflammation and she has had heart problems since then. As they were living in a village, the parents expected their children to help them with work. My mother couldn’t really help much because of the heart problem. When I was young, since I was 12, 14 years old, I was also sent there to help my grandparents.

KOSJENKA: What would grandmother say to mother’s words, “I’m sick, don’t make me work so much”?

آنا: إنها توافق على ذلك، وتقبله، لكنها من ناحية أخرى تقول أيضًا أنه علينا أن نصلي كثيرًا، علينا أن نصلي بقوة.

كوشينكا: كيف يكون ذلك بالنسبة للأم؟

ANNA: Mother feels it was too easy, she doesn’t really feel too much about that. She feels happy about it but not very happy.

KOSJENKA: I would imagine that the key problem is somewhere further in her childhood but we don’t have to know all the details right now. Anna, as mother, what would you really like from your mother? How does the mother want grandmother to love her?

آنا (في دور والدتها): أريد أن أقول إنها لم تكن تغير حفاضاتي.

كوسجينكا: حتى هذا توضيح. كيف سترد الجدة على هذا؟

ANNA: Grandma ran away. She’s running away from this.

KOSJENKA: Please say to grandma, “Please don’t run away, I need you.” What says grandma?

ANNA: Grandmother has stopped running, but she’s holding her head in her hand and she’s crying terribly.

KOSJENKA: Ask grandmother, “Why are you crying?”

آنا: تقول الجدة إنه كان عاراً كبيراً.

كوشينكا: ما هو العار الكبير؟

آنا: لإنجاب طفل.

كوسجينكا: هل كان حملاً غير مخطط له أو شيء من هذا القبيل؟

ANNA: Grandma is crying and she says that she’s not going to say it to anyone.

KOSJENKA: Go back into yourself, be Anna again. Say to grandmother, “I’m sorry you suffered that shame. People can be cruel sometimes.” What says grandmother?

آنا: تقول الجدة: أنت لا تعرف شيئًا ولا يمكنك معرفة أي شيء عنه.

KOSJENKA: Say to grandma, “Ok, I don’t know anything about it and I’m sorry that people were cruel to you.” What says grandmother?

ANNA: Grandma has changed, she’s curled inside herself now and she is shaped like an embryo.

كوسجينكا: ربما نحتاج إلى التحدث مع والدتها. ما رأي الجدة الكبرى في هذا الموقف برمته؟

ANNA: Great-grandmother is angry, she’s furious right now.

كوسجينكا: اسأل الجدة الكبرى عن سبب غضبها الشديد.

ANNA: It’s about the shame her daughter is going to bring to her.

KOSJENKA: Say to great-grandmother, „People are cruel sometimes. Cruelty is the true shame.” But by now the society has changed. What would great-grandmother say about what is possible now, what wasn’t possible then?

آنا: كانت الجدة الكبرى تتخلى عن هذه المشاعر، ويمكنها أن تتخلى عن هذه المشاعر الآن، وأستطيع أن أرى الكثير من النور حولها، وتقول إنها تصدقني.

كوسجينكا: جميل. اسألي جدتك الكبرى أن تدرك مدى الألم الذي تحمله ابنتها. ربما تكون الجدة قد وقعت في حب شخص ما، وشعرت بالحب الكامل، وربما كانت تأمل أنه إذا كان شعورها جيدًا، فلا يمكن أن يحدث أي شيء خاطئ.

ANNA: No, I don’t think so because it was the time of the war, it was 1941. It’s possible that my grandma was raped but I don’t know that.

KOSJENKA: Please ask great-grandmother not to hurt her daughter on top of the hurt she’s already suffered.

آنا: الجدة الكبرى تبكي.

كوسجينكا: اطلب من الجدة الكبرى أن تدعم ابنتها وتساعدها وتحبها.

آنا: إنها تتفهم ذلك وتقول إنها تحاول، إنها تريد ذلك.

KOSJENKA: Is grandmother willing to accept her mother’s help?

ANNA: The grandmother is now opening from that embryo position. She doesn’t say much now but she is ready to accept.

KOSJENKA: Great. Watch grandmother accepting her mother’s support and love. Maybe she could relax, maybe she could feel better about herself, maybe she could feel better about her daughter, maybe she could learn about how to support a child even against what the world might say.

آنا: تبدو شابة، فهي فتاة في العشرين من عمرها وهي جميلة. إنها تبدو مناسبة جداً.

كوسجينكا: عظيم. أخبريها أنها سترزق يوماً ما بابنة جميلة وأن ابنتها ستحتاجها لتحبها. ماذا ستقول الجدة؟

آنا: لمست بطنها وابتسمت لي.

KOSJENKA: Tell her that all children are chaotic sometimes, they need to make mistakes, they need to explore. Tell her that it’s important to be patient and kind, for the future of her daughter and for the future of the next generations, too.

ANNA: She is accepting it, she’s happy about it, she’s touching her belly, patting her belly, she’s wearing a polka dot dress and standing somewhere in the fields.

كوسجينكا: عظيم. تخيلي أن تريها أمك في المستقبل، طفلتها، وتطلبي منها أن تدعمها، أن تحبها كما تحب الأم ابنتها. أن تكوني لطيفة معها، أن تكوني صبورة، أن تكوني محبة. ماذا سيحدث؟

ANNA: Grandmother told her now that she’s a mature woman, and my mother stopped paying attention to her clothes, to how they look like, she’s looking at my grandma and I can see some sort of connection between them, like they see each other.

كوسجينكا: قولي لجدتك مرة أخرى، أرجوكِ أحبّي ابنتك كما تحب الأم طفلها.

آنا: تقول ذلك، وتقول إنها تحبها دون أي مشكلة.

كوشينكا: كيف يكون هذا بالنسبة للأم الآن؟

ANNA: She looks like she’s lost.

كوسجينكا: ربما تحتاج إلى بعض الوقت لتعتاد على ذلك؟

آنا: ربما.

كوسجينكا: امنحها بعض الوقت لتعتاد على ذلك. بالمناسبة، هل لديك شخص يشخر هناك؟ (ملاحظة: كان تدريباً عبر الإنترنت.)

آنا: آسف. لدي كلبان بولدوغ إنجليزيان.

KOSJENKA: I didn’t know they could snore.

آنا: أنام معهم كل ليلة.

KOSJENKA: Lucky you, you don’t have such sensitive ears as I.

آنا: أقول لنفسي إن هذه موجات ألفا وعليّ فقط أن أتأقلم معها.

KOSJENKA: That’s a good way to comfort yourself.
كيف حال والدتك الآن؟

ANNA: She’s straightened up, her head is high and she looks happy, content.

KOSJENKA: Great. Now imagine grandmother tells her, „Please love Anna, your daughter.”

ANNA: Mother responds, „Well, when she earns it.”

كوشينكا: ما رأي الجدة في ذلك الآن؟

ANNA: Grandmother says, “Just love her”.

كوشينكا: كيف يكون ذلك بالنسبة للأم؟

ANNA: Mom can see me, but she doesn’t really do much, doesn’t say anything, doesn’t make any gestures, but she’s looking at me closely.

كوشينكا: آنا، تخيلي مرة أخرى أن تكوني أمك. تخيلي جيلين من الأمهات المحبات والداعمات خلفك.

آنا: لقد شعرت بهذا، لقد شعرت بهذا حقًا، حتى أنني قمت بتقويم ظهري. أشعر بشعور جيد، أشعر وكأن شيئًا ما يدعمني.

كوسجينكا: عظيم. الآن، بصفتك الأم، انظري إلى ابنتك، انظري إلى آنا عن كثب. ماذا ترين؟

ANNA (as mother): I see a five year old. She’s very fragile.

كوشينكا: ما هو شعورك تجاه ابنتك؟

آنا: أعتقد أنها تحتاجني ويمكنني أن أحاول دعمها.

كوشينكا: بالعودة إلى آنا، أرجوكِ قولي لأمك كيف هل تريدها أن تحبك وتدعمك.

آنا (بصفتها نفسها): أود منها أن تمنحني بعض المساحة وتسمح لي بالإبداع.

كوشينكا: كيف سيكون رد فعل والدتك إذا أخبرتها بذلك؟

آنا: إنها تريد ذلك نوعاً ما، لكنها من ناحية أخرى تشعر بنوع من الخوف من أن أقع في مشاكل، وأنني قد أواجه مشاكل بسبب ذلك.

كوشينكا: ماذا ستقول لها عن ذلك؟

آنا: أن هذه هي حياتي وستكون هذه هي مشاكلي ومشاكلي فقط.

كوشينكا: ربما أخبريها أيضًا أن الأطفال يحتاجون أحيانًا إلى بعض المشاكل ليتعلموا منها. في بعض الأحيان يمكن أن تساعد تجربة المشاكل الأطفال على تعلم التعامل مع المشاكل أو تجنبها. من الأفضل أن يتعلموا مبكرًا من المشاكل الصغيرة على أن يتعلموا لاحقًا من المشاكل الأسوأ. ما رأي الأم في ذلك؟

ANNA: She feels good. Earlier she was not really clear, like there was not best resolution in that image of her, but now it feels like she’s got more pixels, the resolution is better.

كوشينكا: عظيم. ما هو شعوركِ، ما الذي تود والدتكِ أن تقوله لكِ الآن؟

ANNA: “Ok then, go.”

كوشينكا: تخيل أن آنا الصغيرة يمكنها الحصول على مساحة أكبر وحرية أكبر. كيف سيكون ذلك؟

ANNA: It feels great, I’m jumping into a huge aquarium with coral reef, which was always my dream.

KOSJENKA: While the child is playing in the coral reef I’ll comment about a few things. Sometimes you can simply ask the client what would they like to say, or what would they like to comment about what is going on. You don’t have to guide the client all the time. Sometimes a client can feel what would be the most appropriate clarification better than you. It’s like a dance with the client, you listen to their responses, rather than trying to fit the process into some sort of frame as quickly as possible. Whatever needs to be resolved before the next step could be done, resolve it. We never push anything, we never force anything, otherwise we’ll just make the work longer and more difficult. Whatever we skip, we will have to go back to it some time or another. Anna, do you think you are ready now to say to your mother, “You are my mother”?

آنا: نعم.

KOSJENKA: Say to her, „You are my mother; I am your daughter. I wish we weren’t separated at a time when we needed to connect the most.” How does mother respond?

ANNA: She doesn’t say much, she doesn’t do much, but her face is softer. She is looking at me with care and love.

KOSJENKA: Say to her, “I wish we could have had a better connection, and I know you wanted that too.” What says mother?

ANNA: She confirms it and it looks like she would like to hug me but she’s a little bit afraid.

كوشينكا: هل تريدها أن تعانقك؟

آنا: نعم.

KOSJENKA: Say to mother, „Let’s try, let’s see what happens.”

ANNA: We’re taking baby steps now towards each other. Now we’re hugging.

كوشينكا: عظيم. يمكنك أن تكوني بطيئة وحذرة كما تشائين. فقط امنحي الأمر بعض الوقت ولاحظي كيف تشعرين.

ANNA: … We stopped hugging and right now we are leaning on each other’s backs. Our backs are touching.

كوسجينكا: عظيم. اطلب من والدتك أن تقف خلف كتفك الأيسر وتضع ذراعها على كتفك.

ANNA: That’s what happened, my mother did that and there was no resistance and I feel like everything is in its place, like there is an order to it.

ANNA: Great. This sounds like a good time to stop for now. Some clarification with the aunt would be a good idea next, maybe between mother and aunt, just to clarify who is mother and who is aunt, maybe mother would be angry at the aunt for taking her place. Who knows what else has happened with mother, perhaps there are some traumas to resolve, but that’s a topic for another time. This is a good demonstration, I think, to show how complex a clarification can be. This is perfectly normal, most sessions won’t be straightforward and easy. Thank you, Anna.

آنا: شكراً لك.

يبدأ تدريبنا التدريبي القادم عبر الإنترنت في 26 أبريل 2025 في الساعة 9 صباحًا بتوقيت وسط أوروبا. اتصل بنا إذا كنت ترغب في الانضمام!

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