محاولة استعادة الحب المفقود

مشاعر من الطفولة

Being left by someone is hard on both our ego and our inner child. Suddenly losing a source of human connection and attention—whether we appreciated it or took it for granted—often triggers childhood memories of loss and abandonment, sometimes accompanied by fear and despair. These childhood feelings can overpower both our adult realism and self-esteem, making it very tempting to spend a lot of time and energy trying to win back lost love.

One of the most common motivating messages you can encounter online is something like, “Trust your feelings – follow your heart!” Yet sometimes it’s important to لا follow our hearts – when we recognize our emotions are childish – but to temper those emotions with the rational mind and the objective perspective. After that, you need to focus on تحويل تلك المشاعر الطفولية إلى مشاعر البالغينبدلاً من محاولة السيطرة على تجربتك الخارجية. هذا أصعب، لكنه أكثر صحة وفائدة على المدى الطويل.

I’ve written before about how falling in love is often tied to unconsciously seeking a replacement for parents (see: الأنماط في علاقات الحب). When our “inner child” becomes bonded to a loved one, we might unconsciously perceive them as irreplaceable, the most important person on Earth – just like parents were for us when we were small.

This might not be so obvious as long as the relationship is stable; in those times our conscious adult minds prevail (hopefully). But as soon as we are faced with losing that person, suddenly they become essentially important and keeping them around becomes our priority – just like a child feels with a parent. I’ve seen that happen with many people who previously took their partner for granted (see: هل تشعرين بأنك مأخوذة على محمل الجد؟ الإساءة والحب غير المشروط).

احتياجاتنا الطفولية و الشعور الطفولي بأننا لا نملك سوى فرصة واحدة فقط to be loved and to feel a deep connection suddenly arise. That’s why people so often say things like “my world crumbled” or “my life is empty without him/her”! Many fear they won’t have another chance or that they’ll never find somebody who comes even close to their ex. In the same time, their environment might wonder what on earth did they even see in their ex.

هل يجب أن أحاول استعادتها؟

Who doesn’t love you is by definition not compatible with you. They either don’t recognize and appreciate your qualities – or perhaps they recognize them and have decided they don’t want them. That’s not something on which you can build a healthy, passionate relationship.

من شبه المؤكد أنك مررت بتجربة التوقف عن حب شخص أحببته ذات يوم، أو على الأقل عدم مبادلتك حب شخص أحبك. تذكّر كيف كان شعورك. هل كانت التوسلات، أو التبريرات، أو التودد والاسترضاء، أو الشعور بالذنب قد غيرت مشاعرك؟ وعلى وجه الخصوص، هل يمكن أن تكون هذه المحاولات قد خلقت بداخلك ذلك الانجذاب العميق والعاطفة التي شعرت بها عندما وقعت في حب شخص ما بشكل طبيعي؟

It’s much more likely that you felt annoyed, pressured, felt pity and ever decreasing respect for the person who tried to influence you in such ways, and felt even more repelled by them.

Even if such a person managed to convince you to try again, how long do you think it would have lasted? Would you have been able to focus on them with trust, passion and intensity? Or would you have wondered most days if you’d be happier somewhere else? Once they inevitably fell back into their old habits, would it have been any easier to tolerate them than before? Or would it have affirmed your previous decision to leave?

Imagine, on the other hand, that the person you broke up with (or couldn’t love) continued treating you with courtesy and respect, perhaps warmth, but focused primarily on improving their own life and increasing their own happiness and self-esteem. How would you then feel about them? I’d bet you’d feel more respect and more interest even if you couldn’t love them. Perhaps that person would have become more attractive to you, and, if you’ve been in a relationship before, you might have felt nostalgic about them. This certainly wouldn’t have happened with someone who acted dependent, desperate and pitiful.

الاعتماد والكرامة

الشعور بالاعتماد على شخص آخر يجعلنا نرغب في السيطرة عليه, even if we don’t consciously realize it. What sane person likes to feel controlled? Would you like it if somebody tried to control you? That’s not love, that’s just a needy child acting out. The only responsible, respectful, adult thing you can do is to recognize that another adult has the full right to choose for themselves and acknowledge their own emotions.

إذا كان هناك أي ذرة صغيرة من احترام الذات والكبرياء والكرامة يمكنك أن تجدها في داخلك، ركز عليها وتمسك بها بكل قوتك. في أي لحظة صعبة, اسأل نفسك كيف يمكن لشخص محترم يحترم نفسه أن يتصرف الآن. Then act like it, no matter how difficult, and save your childish emotions to work with them later. You’ll be grateful to yourself later.

Take a long hard look at the other person. Are they really so wonderful as your desperate inner child imagines them to be? It seems there is no end to illusions and fantasies our minds can create as long as somebody reminds us even a little bit of our parents. In this context, again, it’s better to rely on your objective adult mind than your turbulent emotions. While adult emotions are an essential source of valuable information, childish emotions only give us information about our inexperienced, troubled past self.

Ask yourself, how would a person who really loves you act around you? Certainly not lukewarm, dismissive or indecisive. Compare what you want with what you have. Then consider, are you ready for a healthy love? Or maybe you’d find it not challenging, not tumultuous enough? Maybe you don’t feel you deserve it? (Check out: ماذا يعتقد عقلك الباطن عن الحب؟).

ربما أنت لا تبحثين عن الحب بقدر ما تبحثين عن الاعتراف والتحقق من الصحة والاستحسان والشعور بالقيمة؟ عندها قد تميلين إلى الوقوع في حب أي شخص يقدم لك بعض الاهتمام، وكلما زادت مكانة هذا الشخص في عينيك، كلما كنتِ أكثر رغبة في الشعور بالتحقق من صحته. اعلم أن هذا شعور طفولي لا يمكن لأي شيء من الخارج أن يشبعه حقًا. الطريقة الوحيدة لملء هذا الفراغ الداخلي هي من الداخل.

كيف تزيد من فرصك

يميل الناس إلى احترام الأشخاص الذين يحترمون أنفسهم. Independence and inner strength are attractive. Even within a relationship, it’s important to preserve your boundaries and emotional independence. This becomes especially important if you ever hope to be attractive again to someone who already lost their feelings for you. While there isn’t too much hope, that’s not unheard of – but your goal when building yourself from inside must be that you are doing it for yourself rather than to win them back. Focusing on your ex rather than the quality of your life would make your efforts superficial and fake.

Many people and websites advise you to “focus on your life and goals” – which is a good advice – but don’t tell you ماذا تفعل عندما تبدأ مشاعرك في المقاومة. And that will happen. When childish emotions arise, most people either succumb to them or try to suppress them. Don’t do either. Focus on loving and comforting the panicking child part of you the way a loving (even if mildly frustrated) parent would do with a real child. Some people feel helped if they imagine loving parents comforting them, or a friend, or even an imaginary (new) partner. Some turn to spiritual support. Whatever works for you, use it.

يمكن أن يكون جزء من أن تصبح أقوى هو التركيز على زيادة علاقاتك الاجتماعية وتعميقها. Renew old friendships, seek new ones, strengthen the existing ones. Go to meetings, events, hobby or volunteering activities, group excursions, dance … Rather than hoping to receive, focus on giving: give your warmth, your kindness, your support… Giving often feels better than receiving and creates more self-esteem, too.

Keep working with your inner child even as you start feeling better (and definitely don’t stop even if your ex comes back). Childish imprints go deep and a few weeks are not enough to change them. You will know that you have achieved a change once you feel really good in your own skin and attracted to healthy relationships.

Check also my workbook “كيف تقع في الحب“.

مقالات ذات صلة:
الأنماط في علاقات الحب
ماذا يحدث عندما يكون شريك الحب بديلاً عن الوالدين؟
المعاناة في الحب

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