علامات حمراء يجب الانتباه إليها في العلاقات العاطفية

عدم التوافق is fairly common in relationships, which means there are plenty of potential red flags of incompatibility depending of one’s values and personal traits. However, sometimes you might not simply be incompatible with a love interest, but you might have stumbled upon a realistically toxic and possibly violent person. While red flags in such cases can be subtle and various, some of them are more common and often reported by people who got “burned”. I’ll list many of them below and roughly divide them into categories.

Remember: many of those signals don’t necessarily mean a person is “bad”, but you don’t have to see them as “bad” to understand that a relationship with them can be toxic for you. It would be easier if people were all good or all bad, of course, but it’s never so. الأشخاص غير الأصحاء أيضًا لديهم أجزاء منهم دافئة وجديرة بالاحترام… but if they hide them, ignore them or avoid expressing them, the end result is the same as if they never had them.

Also, these red flags don’t mean you shouldn’t even give a chance to someone – they mean you need to be cautious, دافع عن نفسك إذا لزم الأمر، وتجنب التعلق بسرعة كبيرة بمثل هذا الشخص.

While you are in love and have high hopes for a relationship, it’s easy to tell yourself that a problematic behavior is “accidental”, “won’t happen again” or “with me, he/she’ll be different”. Keep in mind that, as a rule, where there is smoke, there is fire, and every action reflects at least a part of someone’s personalityوالقيم والمعتقدات. وعادةً الحب لا يكفي to change that. Also, be aware that the red flags of toxic behavior are usually very subtle in the beginning, and increase very slowly. So pay attention and don’t dismiss anything as irrelevant.

First serious argument and how it’s resolved غالبًا ما تكون مؤشرات جيدة لما يمكن أن تتوقعه في المستقبل. هل يستمع شريكك إليك ويأخذ كلامك بعين الاعتبار ويتواصل معك بصدق وتقدير؟ أم أنه يتجاهلك ويقلل من شأنك ويحاول السيطرة عليك أو التلاعب بك؟ في الحالة الأخيرة، لا تأمل في أن يكون هذا الشخص مختلفًا في المستقبل ومستعدًا لرؤية وجهة نظرك; people whose behavior shows lack of empathy won’t suddenly become empatheticخاصة إذا شعروا أن ذلك يعني فقدان السلطة والامتيازات.

Don’t criticize yourself if you’ve ignored relationship red flags in the past. Trust is not a sin. Sometimes we need experience to learn to pay attention to such warning signs. However, it’s also a good idea to learn something from other people’s experiences، وليس فقط خاص بك.

فئات علامات العلاقة الحمراء:

التسرع في العلاقة

(يشير إلى: حب التملك / عدم الأمان / التحول / عدم وجود حدود صحية / الرغبة في استغلالك جنسيًا)

– In the beginning, it seems “too good to be true”: they agree with whatever you want, they try hard to please you, they are full of promises and compliments, they put you “on a pedestal”. In other words: ليست أصلية. عندما يظهر مثل هذا الشخص وجهه الحقيقي، فمن المحتمل أن يكون الأمر مختلفًا تمامًا.

– proclaims love a few days after meeting you; talks about marriage, children and life together within a month or less. This is often called “love bombing” and “future faking”. A healthy person will take time to get to know you better and check if you are compatible. Rushing a relationship probably means that, whatever it’s about, it’s not about the real you.

– floods you with text messages or phone calls soon after meeting you (and might blame you and become full of accusations if you don’t answer quickly enough or often enough)

A problem with this behavior is that even narcissists can truly believe they are in love, if they hope you are the person who will provide what they need (also called “narcissistic supply”). In that case their enthusiasm might be genuine, in which case your instincts might not warn you about the lack of authenticity.

مهووس بالسيطرة

– keeps demanding “good enough” explanations for innocuous behaviors

– often يتحقق منك ويسألك about where you are, who are you with, and what you’re doing

– ينتقد أصدقائك وعائلتك for no big reason, doesn’t like you to spend time with them, with time might try to isolate you from them

– directly or indirectly ينتقد مظهرك وملابسك (you might feel they are trying to either make you fit a model in their head, or force you to be less attractive). This doesn’t include occasional neutral comment about what suits you well and such.

– الابتزاز العاطفي, inducing guilt (“if you really loved me, you would …” and such)

– has hard time accepting you doing things without them

– has hard time with you expressing رأي مختلف، بما في ذلك الرغبات والتوقعات المعقولة والنقد المتوازن

– التحقير أو الغيرة ذكائك أو مواهبك أو تعليمك أو هواياتك

– يتخذ قرارات لكما معاً، دون طلب رأيك

– مهما فعلت، فإنهم يفسرونه بأسوأ الطرق الممكنة

– tries to تحكَّم في أموالك (might include insisting that you don’t work)

الإساءة العاطفية (المحتملة)

– they استغلال أخطائكوالانزعاج ولحظات الضعف الأخرى إلى زيادة إحساسهم بالقوة عليك بانتقادات غير ضرورية أو مبالغ فيها أو مهينة أو ما شابه ذلك

– they تجاهل تعبيراتك اللفظية أو غير اللفظية عن عدم الموافقة أو الانزعاج أو الاستياء

– مهما حاولت، سيجدون ما ينتقدونه مهما حاولت، سيجدون ما ينتقدونه

– expresses racism, nationalism, sexism or other -isms (pay special attention to sexism – sooner or later this will influence your relationship directly)

– selfishness in sex

– mean, “venomous” humor. Humor is a great quality if well-meaning and creative, but expressing malice through humor is something quite different – it’s passive aggression that shows one’s desire to feel powerful at the expense of others (and is often not particularly funny anyway). Be aware of the difference.

– “blowing hot and cold” هو شكل من أشكال السيطرة العاطفية. فالدفء يمنحك الأمل، والبرودة تربكك، وكلاهما يربطك عاطفياً.

– يزدري أو يحجب تعبيرات الحب والدعم والدفء

– generally shows الافتقار إلى التعاطف (سواء لك أو لأشخاص آخرين)

– tries to make you jealous

– tries to convince you that you are lucky to be with them and that nobody else would want you

– يتأثر احترامك لذاتك in their company (while it usually doesn’t happen around other people)

– you feel uncomfortable expressing your feelings and opinions around this person; تتعلم التخطيط المسبق أو الرقابة على اتصالاتك وسلوكياتك more than you normally would. You keep analyzing yourself trying to figure out what you’re doing wrong.

(محتمل) العلاقات الغرامية والاختلاط

– التناقضات وعدم القدرة على التنبؤ في الكلمات والسلوك

– عدم الموثوقيةأو إلغاء الخطط في اللحظة الأخيرة، أو المغادرة فجأة بأعذار غير مقنعة

– يتجنب تقديمك لأصدقائهم ومعارفهم وعائلاتهم

– goes into another room to talk on the phone; hides their mobile phone and social media from you

– complains about “those crazy guys/girls” who “don’t want to leave him/her alone”, but “doesn’t want to hurt their feelings”

– is الشك أو الغيرة دون سبب واضح (إسقاط سلوكهم الخاص عليك)

– suddenly ceases to communicate, and suddenly starts again

– you have a “gut feeling” أنهم يكذبون عليك

عنف جسدي محتمل

– has history of violent behavior

– finds excuses for their own or anybody else’s violent behavior

– gets angry easily

– when angry, comes physically close to you, block your way out, kick furniture or break things

– generally impulsive and lacking self-control

– you feel like “walking on eggshells” around this person

– you are afraid of how they might act if angered

أخرى (عدم النضج العام والأنانية وانعدام النزاهة وما شابه ذلك من صفات ساحرة)

– الشفقة على النفسينظر إلى نفسه كضحية، ويلوم الآخرين على مشاكله الخاصة

– احترام الذات المتدني جدًا للذات أو تضخيم الذات والثقة الزائدة بالنفس و الغطرسة (عادةً ما يكون تعويضًا عن النقص الخفي في احترام الذات الصحي)

– يتحدث بازدراء وانتقام عن الشركاء السابقينأو يتحدث عنها بشكل مفرط

– غير قادر على الاحتفاظ بوظيفة، غير مسؤولين مالياً ومعتمدين على والديهم

– القرب الشديد (الارتباط) بأحد الوالدين أو كليهما، خاصة إذا كان الوالدان يتدخلان في حياتهم ويرغبان في اتخاذ القرارات لهم

– السلوك غير اللفظي والوضعية that feels weird: stiff, nervous, unusual tone of voice (monotonous, for example), seems a little tense most of the time, or has excess, choleric energy… especially if combined with other red flags. Might stare at you intensely (especially if they want something) or avoid eye contact.

– most of their behavior and emotional reactions feel a bit over the top, unregulated by reason.

– their words don’t match their actions (they don’t stand behind what they say)

– they are not happy about your success; they seem in better mood when you are feeling down

– they tell you directly: “I’m not good for you”, “I’m not as good as you think” and similar. Don’t think they are joking or exaggerating. They know themselves much better than you do.

– demands a lot; gives little

– يرفض التحدث عن المشاكل في العلاقة وإيجاد حل معكم في العلاقة وإيجاد حل معكم

– most if not all of your friends are warning you against them

– they are وقحاً أو محتقراً أو عدوانياً مع والديه، وخاصة الوالدين من الجنس الآخر. This is not the same as defending one’s boundaries or sometimes being angry with parents. Even if parents are toxic or violent, one doesn’t need to follow their example. The boundaries can be established with dignity: by reducing or ending communication, or by calm confrontation. As people often project their old feelings for their parents on a partner, كراهية أو احتقار أحد الوالدين من الجنس الآخر أو احتقاره لك، ومن المرجح أن ينعكس ذلك عليك لاحقًا.

– they seem more interested in what they can get from you, than in what kind of person you are

– they don’t have quality family or friendly relationships

– can’t admit a mistakeأو الاعتذار أو التعبير عن الامتنان

– they ridicule your dreams, ideals and life values

– you keep hoping they’ll change, or that they are “not so bad inside”

– تشعر بالحرج من التواجد معهم في الأماكن العامة

– بغض النظر عن مدى مثاليتك لهم أو محاولتك لتبرير سلوكهم، فإن حدسك يخبرك باستمرار أن هناك خطأ ما

استمع إلى صوتك الداخلي عند تحديد ما إذا كانت بعض السلوكيات تعتبر إشارات حمراء أم لا. Do not feel guilty for having criteria and wanting a happy relationship. Don’t think you couldn’t find something better. Here’s what you could have instead:

– a relationship in which you feel free to open up emotionally and be fully yourself

– a relationship in which you feel respected and your opinions and desires are heard and taken into consideration

– a relationship in which your qualities are recognized and appreciated, while your faults can be constructively discussed

هل ستشعر بالذنب إذا تركت شريكاً غير ناضج? It’s an indication that perhaps you perceive them more like a child or a parent than as an equally able adult, and perhaps you were conditioned by guilt in your early family. The best way to help (potential) abusers and toxic people is to not enable them to practice their power games on you (or others).

If they don’t experience unpleasant consequences, they can only be motivated to continue in the same ways. If they do experience consequences, they just might be motivated to change their values and treat their future partners better. So, allow them to feel the consequences. It’s a form of love.

قراءة مقترحة:

العمل مع المعتدين وضحايا سوء المعاملة

الابتزاز العاطفي

القيم مقابل السمات الشخصية

كيف تدافع عن نفسك

جميع المقالات 

التدريب عبر الإنترنت 

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