كيفية التغلب على الانفصال في 10 خطوات

سؤال: I recently went through an unexpected breakup, and I’m finding it very hard to move on. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, and it feels like nothing makes sense without them. I know I need to heal, but I don’t even know where to start. How to overcome breakup? Can you help me get rid of this pain?

الإجابة:

If there’s one message I’d like to spread to the world, it’s that the more intense our emotions are, the more likely they originate from our childhood. This is especially important when people ask, “How to overcome breakup pain?”

Yes, the pain is real. It’s happening now. It may feel too overwhelming and persistent to believe it has roots in the past as well as the present. Yet, in my 20+ years of experience in psychological coaching, whenever someone struggles to move on from an ex, there is almost always a deeper, more existential trauma—often related to parental abandonment—at the core of their pain.

Parental abandonment doesn’t have to be physical, or even literal. It can stem from a mother returning to work after maternity leave, or a parent being hospitalized, for example. Babies can feel abandoned when their parents sleep in a different room and ignore their cries at night. A parent may be emotionally unavailable, critical, unpredictable, or dismissive. Any of these and similar experiences can be shocking for a sensitive child and leave a lasting imprint.

Small children cling to their parents for dear life. Anything that threatens that bond sends waves of shock and emotional pain through the child—it’s a survival mechanism. Intense emotional pain and the compulsion to do anything to restore the connection, including blaming and criticizing ourselves, are part of that mechanism. Any emotion that feels survival-related in childhood often remains etched in our subconscious mind.

ونحن كبالغين، نميل إلى الشعور بأقوى انجذاب رومانسي نحو الأشخاص الذين يذكروننا دون وعي منا بالوطن، أو الذين يبدو أنهم يقدمون لنا فرصة لشفاء ما كان مفقودًا في الطفولة (انظر الأنماط في علاقات الحب). For most of us, there’s still an “inner child” seeking to have old emotional needs met.

When our “inner child” emotionally bonds with someone and that person leaves, old existential pain, fear, and self-doubt can resurface with full intensity. We may suddenly feel like life doesn’t make sense without them, as if there is no one else in the world who could ever replace them – which is exactly how a child feels about their parent. Of course, some of the pain comes from the present loss, but that pain would be much more grounded and bearable if it weren’t intertwined with unresolved childhood trauma.

So, knowing this, how to overcome breakup trauma? Here are some strategies that have worked for me and many others I’ve worked with:

1. كلما اشتد الألم العاطفي، ذكّري نفسك أنه يأتي على الأقل من طفولتك بقدر ما يأتي من الموقف الحالي (إن لم يكن أكثر).

2. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t give in to them, but observe and accept them with compassion. “What you resist, persists; what you accept, dissolves.” Acknowledging emotions helps you process them, while fighting them only makes them stronger.

3. راقب أسوأ الأفكار والانطباعات المؤلمة التي تتبادر إلى ذهنك وتلفظ بها، بغض النظر عن مدى مبالغتها وعدم منطقيتها. اسأل نفسك: إلى أي من والديك (أو ربما مقدمي الرعاية الأوائل الآخرين) قد يكون هذا مرتبطًا؟

4. خذ ما يلزم من الوقت لتحب طفلك الذي بداخلك وتواسيه. أخبر طفلك الذي بداخلك بكل ما قد تقوله لصديق جيد في موقف مماثل.

5. إذا كان والداك حسنا النية وعطوفين بشكل عام، فتخيلهما يواسيان طفلك الذي بداخلك أيضًا، ويمنحان الطفل الحب والتقدير بطرق عديدة.

6. إذا كان والداك غير صحيين، فيمكنك أن تتخيل والديك مختلفين وأكثر صحة يقدمان لك الحب والدعم. إليك تمرين إرشادي يمكن أن يساعدك في ذلك.

7. Now let’s focus on the future. Keep reminding yourself that in a few months, this pain will be behind you, and there will be plenty of other opportunities for happiness. When one door closes, many others open.

8. Remind yourself that good relationships don’t end; bad ones do. You are likely missing the illusion of your ex rather than who they really were. If they hadn’t left now, you might have just wasted more time and opportunities with them, and things could have gotten worse. Eventually, you would have gone through the same pain, so it’s better to face it sooner rather than later.

9. Ask yourself: what can I learn from this experience that will make my future relationship(s) better and healthier? Perhaps you’ll learn how to التعرف على الإشارات الحمراءالتواصل بفعالية أكبرأو تجنب الاستخفاف بك. اكتب أكبر عدد ممكن من الدروس المستفادة وفكر في كيفية تطبيقها في المستقبل. إذا استطعت أن تنظر إلى هذه التجربة على أنها شيء سيجعل مستقبلك أفضل في نهاية المطاف، يمكنك أن تكون أكثر لطفًا مع نفسك وتتبنى منظورًا إيجابيًا.

10. فكر فيما تريده حقاً في الشراكة. دع ألمك يرشدك toward understanding what you deeply long for and what truly matters to you in life. Envision a future relationship that fulfills your desires—better than the one that ended. Allow yourself to embrace this vision and get comfortable with it. Tell yourself that you deserve it. The better you can imagine a healthy relationship, the easier it will be to recognize it when you meet the right person.

I hope you’ll find this advice on how to overcome breakup helpful, and if you want to explore and resolve the roots of your childhood trauma and emotional patterns, our التدريب عبر الإنترنت مصممة لذلك!

اقرأ المزيد:

الأنماط في علاقات الحب

حوِّل الألم العاطفي إلى شغف وإلهام

ما الذي يعتقده عقلك الباطن عن الحب؟

جميع المقالات 

التدريب عبر الإنترنت 

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