كيف تسامح وتغفر حقًا؟

لماذا يصعب أحيانًا التسامح في بعض الأحيان؟

تقول العديد من كتب العصر الجديد وكتب المساعدة الذاتية أنه لتحقيق السلام الداخلي، علينا أن نسامح الأشخاص الذين يؤذوننا. والرسالة الشائعة حول كيفية القيام بذلك فعليًا هي شيء مثل: فقط قرر أن forgive! Or they might instruct you to repeat affirmations about forgiveness. But is it really so simple? Many people tell me it isn’t, and that trying to make themselves forgive غالبًا ما يؤدي إلى قمع، وربما نقد الذات أو حتى الشعور بالذنب إذا لم يكونوا قادرين على الشعور بالمغفرة حقًا.

Some days back, I was working with a man (I’ll call him Christian) who had a narcissistic mother who abused him viciously; physically, emotionally and sexually. He said his mother asked him for forgiveness on her deathbed. He told her, “No.”

Many well-meaning people would try to convince him that he “should” forgive, otherwise he just keeps carrying his pain around. But, think for a moment, ما هي وظيفة الغضب? Primarily to give us motivation and strength to protect ourselves or somebody or something valuable to us. We can easily presume that, as a child, Christian kept forgiving his mother over and over again, hoping she’d finally see his point of view and give him the love and support he needed. He kept forgiving because it’s difficult for a child to remain emotionally closed and distanced from his mother. في كل مرة كان يسامح فيها، كان ذلك يعني انفتاحه عاطفياً وبدء الأمل من جديد. في كل مرة كان أمله يتحطم بوحشية. حاول البقاء على قيد الحياة من خلال التواصل مع الأم؛ وأخيراً تعلّم النجاة من خلال إغلاقها.  

تفترض المسامحة في كثير من الأحيان الانفتاح على أنفسنا من جديد عاطفيًا وثقة someone again. If somebody learned since the earliest age that this means suffering and violence, how to expect them to “just decide”? You could just as well “just decide” not to be sick. 

إذن ما هي المغفرة حقًا؟

In Christian’s case, since his mother is now dead, forgiveness primarily means تعلم كيفية الشعور بالأمان العاطفي والجسدي. I’m not referring to realistic external circumstances, which are much safer for an adult man than a little boy, but to changing his subconscious perspective, the part of himself which still expects people to treat him the way mother treated him as a child.

Christian needs to learn to trust his instinct in assessing other people; with whom does he feel safe, and who might be better avoided. (The problem might be that his instincts might be “skewed” by childhood impressions of what was “normal” in his family home.) He needs to learn to التواصل مع مشاعره – after spending his most vulnerable years feeling betrayed by his instincts and emotions. He also needs to recognize that, against his childhood experience, now it’s ok to say “No” and set boundaries to other people. He knows this logically, but doesn’t feel it in his body. Once he starts setting boundaries, he needs to continue doing it long enough to تطوير الثقة بالنفس ومن خلاله الشعور بالأمان. 

الجانب الثاني المهم من المغفرة هو changing one’s own self-image. إلى جانب العمل على حمايتنا من التهديدات الخارجية, الغضب أيضًا (يحاول) حمايتنا من المشاعر المؤلمةوفي المقام الأول الإذلال والخجل والشعور بالذنب والخوف والإحساس بالنقص. 

A small child has an instinctive need to trust their parents, to feel connected to them, and to justify their behavior. From a child’s perspective, the most obvious explanation for parental hostility is, “something’s wrong with me”. Even adult people, to find some sort of explanation and meaning, often (partially) blame themselves for injustice they experience. For a child, the self-blame can be overwhelming, and anger spontaneously follows to protect the child from breaking down. To let go of anger, we first need to resolve the painful feelings the anger was hiding; this is a process which takes time and requires work, rather than instant solutions. 

كيف تكسب المغفرة؟ 

What if Christian’s mother was still alive? If she asked for forgiveness, it would probably mean expecting renewed emotional connection and more open communication from Christian. Does she have the right to demand it, without doing anything to build trust again?

تتطلب إعادة بناء الثقة، بعد تدميرها أو تضررها بشدة، ما يلي:

1. acknowledging one’s mistake (أخذ المسؤولية لذلك) 
2. إصلاح الضرر (التعويض، أو إعادة إنشاء التوازن)، و
3. تغيير دائم في السلوك. 

The first and the third step are fairly understandable. What about the second step? It’s easy to repair a tangible damage; what if the damage cannot be measured in objective terms? If you have abused someone emotionally or sexually, how to achieve balance? Acknowledging your mistake is already a step in the right direction; it helps the hurt person rebuild their faith in themselves and stop blaming themselves, which is important in recovering self-esteem. But it might not be enough. There is no easy and generic answer for all cases, but think about what type of hurt did you cause and how can it be diminished. Then take steps in that direction. 

Most people who hurt others avoid making these steps, especially if a lot of time has passed and they don’t want to open old wounds. The real problem is trying to تجنب الانزعاج والخجل في حال قوبلنا بالنقد والرفض. إذا كنت في مثل هذا الموقف، فربما يمكنك الاستفادة من العمل على احترامك لذاتك، بحيث يمكنك تقبل نفسك كإنسان غير كاملالذي كان لا يزال قادرًا على تعلم شيء من أخطائه، و يمكن أن تتغير. Then consider what would you prefer: intense discomfort that lasts a few minutes, but is followed by long term relief – or milder, but lasting guilt? 

I think that humans (and other social animals, too) have an instinct for keeping balance in relationships. Thus a disturbance in such balance can bother both sides for a long time. What if the other person refuses your attempt to rebuild balance, or is unavailable, or is dead? In that case, you can find your freedom from guilt in, perhaps, helping someone else, or doing something to help other people not to make the same mistakes. You might want to volunteer for a while, or talk about your mistakes and what you’ve learned from them in public (like هذا الرجل)، أو التبرع للمنظمات التي تركز على إصلاح مثل هذا النوع من الأضرار. يمكن دائماً القيام بشيء ما. 

Christian’s mother might have indirectly acknowledged her mistakes, but didn’t have the courage and integrity to do the other two steps while she still could; instead she chose to wait until it was no longer possible and only then asked for forgiveness. Consciously, unconsciously or semi-consciously, doesn’t matter; the result was only more pressure on Christian and denying his needs and boundaries. Can forgiveness be given fully and honestly if the relationship is not healed through genuine, determined effort? What about the victim’s self-trust? Not only it was damaged through original abuse, but it can be additionally hurt through manipulative “extortion” of forgiveness دون استعادة التوازن. 

There are many people besides Christian whose parents asked them for forgiveness shortly before death. Perhaps those parents found it easier to suffer guilt through most of their lives, rather than risking honesty and recognizing the need to change. A deathbed is a nice dramatic moment to ask for forgiveness; it’s traditional to expect the past strives to be forgotten in such a time, so many people are then less afraid of rejection or the conversation that might follow. But the survivor is left with an extra burden and the damage is not repaired.  

قيم الحياة

Anger also serves to warn us against another, more subtle aspect of abusive behavior: the value system of the abuser. It’s important to recognize that the مفتاح السلوك العنيف أو غير المسؤول هو لا في الطفولة المضطربة، أو الانفعالات الشديدة، أو فقدان السيطرة، أو حتى الاستفزاز المحتمل من قبل شخص آخر (على الرغم من أن هذه العوامل قد تساعد بالتأكيد)، ولكن في المقام الأول في قيم الحياة الأساسية التي تسمح بالسلوك القاسي والعنيف تجاه شخص آخر (أو مجموعات معينة من الناس). المزيد عن هذا الأمر في هذه المقالة. 

Almost everybody carries around some childhood trauma; practically everybody experiences age regression, intense emotional states and feeling provoked – but if a person has قيم حياة عالية الجودةبما في ذلك التعاطف، فهي ببساطة won’t allow themselves لتجريد الأشخاص الآخرين من إنسانيتهم، بغض النظر عن مدى قوة الدافع العاطفي. لاتخاذ القرار بإذلال شخص آخر أو التلاعب به أو التعامل معه بعنف، يجب أن يكون لدى المرء نظام قيم يبرر مثل هذا السلوك ويسمح به. 

وغالباً ما تدرك عقولنا الباطنية ذلك، حتى لو لم نكن قادرين بالضرورة على التعبير عنه بالكلمات; يحذرنا غضبنا من أن الكلمات والأفعال المعزولة ليست كافيةأنه يجب أن يتغير شيء أساسي في الشخص الذي أساء إلينا إذا أردنا أن نثق به مرة أخرى. 

لا تتغير قيمنا الأساسية إلا عندما نفهم بشكل كامل وصادق، ليس فقط على المستوى المنطقي، ولكن على المستوى العاطفي، لماذا قيم مثل المسؤولية والرحمة والنزاهة مهمة ليس فقط للمجتمع، ولكن لأنفسنا أيضًا. طالما يشعر الشخص بأنه استفد أكثر من العنف والسيطرة أكثر من التعاون مع الآخرين، فإنهم سيخلقون المبررات for trying to exert power and dominance – even when the perceived benefits are weak and temporary, while long-term consequences are bad. So, don’t just focus on analyzing words and behaviors; assess the value system of the person you are dealing with. 

كيف نصلح الضرر الذي لحق بأنفسنا؟

All in all, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or opening up again to the person who hurt you. It primarily means being able to اشعر بالرضا عن نفسك مرة أخرى. It means the injustice you experienced doesn’t weigh on your mind anymore, that you are not particularly frustrated in the (likely) case that the other person will never do anything to repair the damage and recover the balance. It means, more than anything else, that your self-esteem is solid. 

If the other person won’t cooperate, it doesn’t mean you have to feel bonded to them by anger and lack of balance. بناء علاقة صحية مع نفسك helps you to leave your past behind and trust in future – or, more accurately, to have trust in your own ability to protect and support yourself in future. Thus the past loses the influence it would otherwise have through fear, shame and lack of trust in yourself.  

What about re-creating balance? If the person who hurt you won’t make the effort, consider what could you do for yourself to repair the damage. Maybe you can put extra effort in being lastingly kind and compassionate with yourself. Maybe you can treat yourself to something you really enjoy. Perhaps helping other people would make you feel better. Do whatever nourishes your spirit. 

مقالات ذات صلة:

العمل مع المعتدين وضحايا سوء المعاملة 

احترام الذات والشعور بالذنب

كيف تعيش بنزاهة

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