الحب يدوم 3 سنوات؟

كيف تفشل العلاقات

I’ve once read an article in a paper magazine which half-jokingly stated that “every love relationship lasts 3 years”. The idea was that intimacy, passion and infatuation in an average relationship last about 3 years, after which they either dissipate into boredom and routine, or turn into resentment and criticism.

Even if no expert can seriously support such an idea, it didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s based on the fact that few couples manage to deeply love and respect each other for many years. The theory about “the shelf-life of love” is an expression of a rather cynical resignation of many people whose hopes and dreams of happiness were shattered, perhaps repeatedly.

Maybe you are convinced it can’t happen to you… or maybe you remember being convinced it couldn’t happen to you? It only takes a bit of laziness, ignorance and thoughtlessness to spoil your most important adult relationship.

A rational explanation of this half-serious “theory” could be summarized in this way: by the third year of an average relationship, positive projections and transference* have faded away, negative projections and transference have developed, motivation has given in to laziness, communication has become careless and inconsiderate, the partners have started to نأخذ بعضنا البعض كأمر مسلم بهوقد نضجت الكومة الموجودة تحت السجادة وبدأت في التكاثر.

It’s so easy to thoughtlessly lash out at the partner when for whatever reason we feel irritable, to blame them for our immature anger, to strive to control them out of various fears, and show less and less love and respect because “it’s understood”.

تنمية الثقة

يمكن الحفاظ على الحب والعاطفة لسنوات من خلال بناء الثقة والاحترام. كل نوبة غضب، وكل تعليق متهور، وكل تعبير عن عدم المسؤولية والطيش، يؤدي إلى تآكل الثقة والاحترام. عندما تختفي تلك الروابط، يمكن أن تظل بعض الروابط غير الصحية (القائمة على التحويل) موجودة لفترة من الوقت، ولكن الحب السليم لا يمكن أن يكون كذلك.

Some relationships fall apart because people carelessly apply the idea that it’s healthy to argue and express oneself. This is basically true – but many people practice that idea without much responsibility and self-awareness. Thus what might have been a healthy discussion can easily become a power struggle full of criticism and blaming. Arguing and expressing yourself is healthy – providing you do it responsibly and thoughtfully. 

قد يساوي بعض الناس بين العاطفة والتوتر العاطفي والدراما. They might half-consciously provoke fights and insecurity to increase “passion”. They probably learned to associate emotional drama with love as young children, in their early families. If such people don’t put effort into resolving that pattern, they might find it very difficult to even be attracted to a healthy and responsible person. Thus achieving a quality relationship might be nearly impossible.

حب البالغين

Infatuation doesn’t last forever, no matter how much we might hope so. But if you maintain trust and respect, infatuation will be replaced by a more stable and calm form of love. Healthy love usually does not bring so much intensity, ups and downs, butterflies in the stomach even at the very beginning, compared to infatuation based on childish transference. You might ask, does it mean that healthy love means less passion? You might perceive it that way if you confuse tension and drama with passion.

Healthy love does not include so much obsessiveness, idealizing, anxiety, relief and rapture at every sign of attention by a loved one, but that’s more than made up for by passion which is calmer, but deeper; by الحميمية التي تأتي من الاعتراف والثقة المتبادلينبدلًا من خداع الذات والإسقاطات؛ ومن خلال الحفاظ على علاقة جيدة مع نفسك أيضًا.

يمكن للعاطفة الصحية أن تنمو وتتعمق مع مرور الوقت، حيث أن الشركاء المزيد والمزيد من الفرص لفهم وتقدير بعضنا البعض. Acknowledging our mistakes responsibly, calm and supportive reactions when the partner is emotionally overwhelmed, expressions of affection and attention … enable intimacy and respect to grow rather than decrease. Every time you express your opinion, disagreement or an objection thoughtfully and without criticism, every time you show you pay attention and think about what your partner says… you add another brick into the house of lasting love.

خيارات حكيمة

You shouldn’t take all the responsibility upon yourself, however. For your expressions of respect, understanding, and support to improve your relationship, your partner also needs to recognize them, appreciate them, and be motivated to reciprocate. Not all people are willing or able to do so. Here are some السمات الشخصية الرئيسية التي يجب البحث عنها عند اختيار الشريك (أو عند اختيار البقاء في علاقة من عدمه):

• الوعي العاطفي. People who are used to ignoring their own feelings won’t be able to distinguish which of them are healthy, and which are not, so they are likely to follow immature urges when those become strong enough.
• المسؤولية. هل شريكك على استعداد للاعتراف بأخطائه والتغلب على دوافعه غير الصحية والتعرف على الأنماط التي يحتاج إلى تغييرها والعمل على تغييرها؟
• التواصل المدروس. Does your partner take care to choose appropriate words? Do they work on improving their communication, or do they believe it’s their god-given right to blurt out whatever they feel like, and if that feels hurtful, it’s your problem?
• التعاطف. يؤدي الافتقار إلى الشفقة بطبيعة الحال إلى الطيش والأنانية وعدم المسؤولية.

إذا كنت أنت وشريكك تتمتعان بهذه الصفات، أجرؤ على القول بأن أي خلافات أخرى وسوء تفاهم يمكن حلها. ولكن إذا كانت إحدى هذه الصفات غير متوفرة في أحد هذه الصفات، فإن فرصة استمرار العلاقة السعيدة على المدى الطويل تكون ضئيلة. السؤال الرئيسي هو ما مدى قوة هذه الصفات في الشخص؟ لا يمكننا قياسها بأي مقياس نعرفه، وفي البداية قد يكون من الصعب حتى تقييمها.

أقترح أن تعتمد على غريزتك (وليس على آمالك) عند البحث عن أي نقص محتمل في هذه الصفات، ليس فقط في سلوكيات من تحبه، بل في ملامح وجهه وكلماته وإيماءاته. كن مستعداً لما يلي it might take quite a while to figure out someone’s faults, especially if you don’t yet live together.  Try not to fully commit to a relationship until you’ve spent at least one year living together – that is often (but not always) enough for masks to fall. Of course, by that time your partner might decide you lack some of those qualities, so it pays off to practice self-awareness.

* الإسقاطات يمكن تعريفه بأنه إدراك الخاصة بنا المشاعر والنوايا والصفات، سواء كانت حقيقية أو متخيلة، على أنها تنتمي إلى شخص آخر.

التحويل يعني أن تدرك شخصًا ما أمامك دون وعي منك كما لو كان شخص آخر – usually somebody important from your past – and react with similar feelings and behaviors as if that other person were there.

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