العلاقات الأسرية الصحية

Although most people understand, or at least feel intuitively what is appropriate and what isn’t in family relationships, in most families there are still quite a lot of unhealthy patterns and a huge load of imposed guilt. Those patterns hinder many people from acting in the way they feel is healthy and appropriate, even from questioning their behavior and behavior of other family members from a rational point of view.

ينظر التدريب المنهجي التكاملي إلى الأسرة كنظام. تسعى معظم الأنظمة إلى الحفاظ على التوازن، و إذا أصيبت بعض أجزاء النظام بخلل وظيفي، فإن الأجزاء الأخرى ستحاول تولي وظائفها للتعويض عن ذلك. It is similar with families, in which children, being the most sensitive and receptive members, unconsciously try to bring the balance back if it’s lost. They might take too much responsibility, or resort to problematic behavior, so to redirect family activity and attention. Some children express feelings and behavior which are either forbidden or suppressed within the family.

إذا كان الطفل، حتى بعد أن يكبر، يعبّر عن مشاعر أو احتياجات معينة (مثل النشاط الجنسي أو الغضب) بشكل إجباري ومفرط (مثل الرغبة الجنسية أو الغضب)، فمن الممكن أن يكون هذا مجرد تعبير لا واعٍ عن عاطفة أو رغبة في كان الآباء والأمهات ينكرون أو يتجنبون التعبير عن. This is the consequence of “systematic“ behavior – keeping balance in the family as a system. For such a person, and for the family, those compulsive urges can be not only unpleasant but also completely incomprehensible, so the person can develop a lot of shame and guilt because of those feelings.

From time to time, we’re contacted by parents who are confused with depression, fear or aggression shown by their children, saying that there seems to be no apparent reason for this and that they put a lot of effort in the child’s upbringing. In many such cases it becomes apparent that there are many suppressed and unexpressed emotions between the parents or within one of the parents, and sometimes even in other family relationships. 

In those situations we focus primarily on working with the parents and their feelings. And, as the parents change their self-image and experience and start to feel relief, very often they’ll say that the children, without any obvious reason, started to act differently, e.g. to communicate more calmly or even became motivated to study without extra encouragement.

In short, many adult people have emotional urges which are irrational, compulsive and unconsciously motivated, and for children it’s even more difficult to rationally and willingly control such urges. Unfortunately, many people do not recognize unhealthy patterns until they escalate in the child’s behavior, and even then they are very often justified or تجاهلها حتى تحدث بعض الأزمات الخطيرة، أو أن يتدخل شخص من الخارج، ولكن غالبًا ما يتم إلقاء اللوم على الطفل مرة أخرى.

بعد الجهل، السبب الثاني الأكثر شيوعًا لهذا النوع من المواقف هو الخجل من التصنيف. من المهم أن نفهم أن ليس من المعيب أن يكون لديك مشاكل عاطفية، ولكن هذا أمر شائع وطبيعي تمامًا، على عكس المظهر الخارجي المثالي الذي نحاول عادةً تقديمه.

المسؤوليات الصحية

سأسرد بإيجاز المبادئ الأساسية للعلاقات الأسرية الصحية بالطريقة التي أراها

صحية وناضجة البالغون يتحملون المسؤولية for their feelings, actions and life circumstances, and do not expect their children to share this responsibility (responsibility for parents’ emotions).

دور الوالدين الصحي والناضج هو دعم الأطفال في النمووتطوير هوياتهم الخاصة، وأخيرًا في الفصل من الوالدين ويصبحوا مستقلين. وفي هذه العملية، يمكن للوالدين والأبناء على حد سواء أن يخلقوا جواً يرى فيه كل منهما الآخر كبشر ناضجين ومسؤولين.

الدور الصحي لـ الأطفال هو احترام والديهموتاريخهم وخبراتهم، بل أن يركزوا على حياتهم الخاصة؛ ليدركوا حقيقة أن الوالدين بشر بالغين وقادرين ومسؤولين عن الاهتمام بحياتهم. 

Sometimes parents expect from their children gratitude, “paying back of the debt“, and sometimes this means that من المتوقع أن يضحي الأطفال their personal needs in return, even their own individuality and independence. Mature and responsible parents understand that the children do not owe them and especially that they are not obliged to sacrifice their happiness for the parents’ sake. Life by itself, just like investing time, energy and money in a child, is an immeasurable gift for which a healthy child, when adult, will feel gratitude, but in the instant when parents start to demand expressions of this gratitude or even the child’s sacrifices, تتوقف عن كونها هبة تُمنح مجانًا، وتصبح تجارة وابتزازًا. For children this is an extreme burden, not being loved or brought to the world for themselves, but only to pay back for this “gift” someday. In a very small child this will create a huge felling of guilt and lack of self-esteem.

It’s natural that young adults give their own lives and families (partner and children) priority. Taking responsibility for parents’ needs, feelings and happiness, sacrificing oneself, trying to make parents happy – automatically means putting the parents into a child’s role and النظر إليهم على أنهم ضعفاء وليسوا بالغين and able people. The parents’ expectation that the child should fulfill their emotional needs and should live their desires is one of the most common sources of suffering, emotional disorders, guilt and problems in relationships, which are often carried over from generation to generation and can be difficult to release.

I don’t claim that people should abandon sick and old parents – but some physically healthy parents expect their offspring to neglect their own families to take care of them. Healthy adult children will give necessary help to disabled parents and still see them as responsible adults.

الآباء غير الأسوياء: العواقب

يحتاج الأطفال إلى الثقة في البالغين المهمين. هذه الحاجة قوية جدًا لدرجة أنها في جذور العديد من الصدمات والمعتقدات السامة:: يتم إنشاؤها كوسيلة لاستمرار ثقة الأطفال بوالديهم. وبجانب الحاجة إلى الثقة، هناك أيضًا الحاجة إلى الحب والحاجة إلى أن يكون محبوبًا، لذلك يخلق الأطفال الصغار العديد من الآليات الدفاعية ليتمكنوا من الاستمرار في حب الأشخاص المقربين منهم.

بالنسبة للأطفال، خاصة إذا كان عمرهم أقل من ثلاث سنوات، عندما يكونون معتمدين بشكل كبير على والديهم، فإن إدراكهم أنهم لا يستطيعون الاعتماد على الوالدين أو حبهم هو تجربة مخيفة للغاية بحيث لا يمكنهم تحملها. لذلك فهم بشكل عفوي وغير واعٍ تبرير والديهم. في الحالات التي يتصرف فيها أحد الوالدين بشكل غير لائق، غالبًا ما يتحمل الأطفال المسؤولية ويخلقون المعتقدات السامة about themselves. Beliefs like: “I am not good enough”, “Something is wrong with me“, “My feelings are not important“ then become rooted in the foundations of personality and affect the adult life. We can feel them especially in situations that remind us of circumstances that originally triggered such beliefs.

For example, if a parent is shouting, insulting or ignoring the child, for a relatively insignificant mistake, which can often happen if the parent is frustrated by other life circumstances, the child must either recognize that the parent is acting in an immature, unjustified and unreasonable manner or trust the parent and make a conclusion that their own mistake must be so big that it justifies such a strong reaction. An older child could feel relatively safe to recognize the parents’ imperfection, but a child who is two or three is not able to do so. A سيختار الطفل الصغير دائمًا تقريبًا أن يثق في الوالدين – creating the belief that even small mistakes are unacceptable. It is very hard, if not impossible, to be “perfect”, especially if you are a child, so naturally the next step for children is to convince themselves that they are not good enough and that something is wrong with them. Some older children will try to defend themselves from this feeling by rage and spite, but these are just defense mechanisms, not solutions.

Adults often hold children responsible for own feelings – an adult that is in any way irritated by a child’s behavior, might automatically conclude that the child is at fault, rather than checking the background of their own feelings, or other possible causes of the child’s behavior.

عدم احترام الأطفال

كثير من البالغين يعاملون الأطفال دون احترام كبير، فقط لأن الأطفال أقل خبرة ولديهم قدرة أقل على التعبير عن أنفسهم. إن البالغين الذين يتواصلون مع الأطفال بطريقة قاسية وباردة وآمرة، ولو بقدر معين من الاستخفاف بالأطفال، ما زالوا للأسف أكثر شيوعاً من الذين يتواصلون مع الأطفال كبشر متساوين في الذكاء والقيمة والقدرة على الإحساس وإن كانوا قليلي الخبرة.

Even accumulated experience does not necessary mean that adults are always right. This is more obvious when we look back into the past, when children’s healthy behavior and needs were opposed by cruel and rigid beliefs of adults – who, of course, assumed that they were right. Even today similar behavior is common, although in subtler ways.

I think there is a difference between wisdom and “plain“, rational knowledge: الحكمة هي عندما تتعاون العواطف والخبرة والعقل المنطقي في تناغم وتناغم. In this area, children may sometimes have an advantage over the adults, since they are much more spontaneous and allowing their feelings to flow. Their handicap is the inability to consider perspectives and information which can be acquired only through experience and learning. For children it’s also much more difficult to find the right words to express themselves.

عندما نتحدث مع شخص ما بلغة أجنبية قد نشعر بعدم الارتياح وعدم الأمان، ليس لأن أفكارنا كانت دون المستوى، ولكن لأننا غير قادرين على إيجاد الكلمات المناسبة للتعبير عنها. يمكن أن يشعر الأطفال بطريقة مماثلة أمام شخص بالغ واثق من نفسه وواثق من نفسه وماهر في الكلام والمنطق. وغالباً ما يستغل البالغون هذه الحقيقة لصالحهم، ولا يفكرون في الإصابات التي تلحق بالأطفال.

السلطة والتوقعات

في بعض الأحيان، لا يعني العلاج في بعض الأحيان حل التجارب المؤلمة فحسب، بل أيضًا عواقب الظروف الخفية التي قد تبدو للوهلة الأولى إيجابية. قد يستمتع الوالدان بالشعور بالقوة and importance, and the fact that they have more knowledge and experience than a child – for some people that might be the only chance to feel competent – while others, with best intentions, might have too high expectations from a child, or expect the child to be somehow “special“. 

من المرجح أن يكون الطفل مثاليًا للآباء الذين يقدمون أنفسهم على أنهم أقوياء وأذكياء, to admire parents and wish to fulfill their expectations, especially of the opposite sex parent. Occasionally I work with people to whom such circumstances left quite unpleasant consequences – the feeling that they are غير قادر على تحقيق التوقعاتأنهم ليسوا جيدين بما فيه الكفاية. وغالبًا ما ينجذبون إلى الأشخاص الذين يثيرون إعجابهم، لكنهم يشعرون بأنهم أقل كفاءة وقيمة.

بالضبط في تلك المجالات الحياتية التي قضينا فيها معظم طاقتنا والوقت في متابعة اهتماماتنا، قد يكون من الصعب السماح لأطفالنا بأن يكونوا مختلفين and live their own lives and beliefs. People focused on material goods will expect their children to follow such values, and the children’s interests and feelings will be less important. People who are intellectually focused will care less of formalities and material goods, but it might be even harder for them to accept that their children have different interests and values. When something is important to us, we wish that people who are close to us agree with us, and we might try to control our children quite rigidly, or love them conditionally.

تحظى الكتب التي تتناول علم نفس الطفل وتربيته بشعبية متزايدة. ومع ذلك، وكما هو الحال مع أشكال أخرى من التنمية الشخصية، يمكن استخدام الأساليب بشكل سطحي لتحقيق نتائج خارجية، دون فهم كبير لمعنى وهدف نهج معين. قد يبدو أن بعض الأشخاص، ظاهريًا، يطبقون مهارات التواصل المناسبة، ولكن دون فهم حقيقي للأطفال؛ فهم فقط الأمل في تحقيق نتائج سريعة. Their nonverbal communication – especially their tone of voice and facial expressions – will still show lack of patience and respect (especially if the results are not as desired). 

الأطفال عادةً ما يكونون أكثر حساسية من البالغين وسيكونون تتأثر بالإشارات غير اللفظية والطاقة العاطفية أكثر من تأثرها بالكلمات وحدها. If non-verbal signals conflict with spoken words, it is natural that the child’s motivation to cooperate will not increase. The parent often attributes this lack of success to the child’s character.

التأثير الخارجي

Most parents believe – and in some way they are right – that they give the best they can to their children. When children start to behave in unwanted or unhealthy ways, this is usually attributed to the influence of other children or the media. 

تأثير الأقران ووسائل الإعلام becomes important at a somewhat later age, after the critical years of personality development are over (the first three years of a child’s life). But even when those outer influences become stronger they can’t influence a child’s personality as quickly and powerfully as those early and unconscious impacts do, they just تعزيز العناصر الموجودة in the child’s experience and feelings.

نقصان اللاوعي

I want to emphasize that children’s personalities are not only created by what is present and given in their surroundings, but also by ما هو مفقود. For many families this is difficult to understand, since their point of view is, although not verbalized, that children are a kind of “tabula rasa” and that they can’t miss something they never even knew.

Many people who start researching their feelings and subconscious minds discover that, as children, they needed and expected much deeper and better quality love than is usually available in our society, especially considering the organization of society and its demands of children and parents. It’s interesting to ponder where this need comes from if we never had a chance to experience and know this kind of love before. 

In every communication among humans, no matter what age, most nonverbal communication is perceived and processed on the unconscious level and influences the relationship through vague impressions about the other person, rather than through conscious interpretation. When a child is very young, which is the most important stage of development, التواصل غير اللفظي أكثر تأثيرًا بكثير من التواصل اللفظي, which the child can’t even yet understand well. Here lies the reason for many problems in behavior that parents later can not understand and often deny responsibility for.

مقالات ذات صلة:

سفاح القربى العاطفي 

الشق الأساسي في الشخصية

الأبوة والسيطرة والذنب

جميع المقالات التدريب عبر الإنترنت