Misconceptions about discipline
Based on online discussions on parenting, a significant number of people still seem to believe that to discipline a child without hitting and yelling means not to discipline them at all. It appears that they think “no spanking” means “no consequences” and that the only options are spanking, yelling, or kind words. (In such comments, it is usually implied that kind words are a waste of time.) This is like believing that the only ways to fix a slow computer are to restart it or smash it with a hammer.
I agree that parents need to be an authority for their children. A child is born with a lot of good potential, but also with various biological tendencies that aren’t always so good or constructive. Idealistic parents may wrongly believe that authority is unnecessary. Some parents spoil their children out of fear of conflict or unpleasant emotions. That doesn’t mean we need to go to the other extreme. There are many numbers between 0 and 100.
I used to be overly idealistic too. In the meantime, I’ve learned that raising children is much harder than just telling them what not to do and trusting their good nature. I now firmly believe that serious and repeated violations of (reasonable) rules require concrete consequences. However, it’s important that these consequences be reasonable and thoughtful rather than driven by our basest impulses.
Why discipline a child without hitting and yelling?
Raising children is not easy. Children don’t understand your needs or they quickly forget them. They often strongly resist any request from you that doesn’t align with their immediate desires. They have a natural need to test your boundaries, and in doing so, they can provoke and irritate you. It can be easy to believe that they do this consciously and deliberately, but a child’s awareness and perspective are far from that of an adult.
Spanking and yelling are often ways parents try to discipline their child quickly and easily, to save time and energy for other chores. They might simply not know what else to do. While this may result in the child’s short-term self-control out of fear, the long-term consequences are often problematic.
Some people claim spanking didn’t harm them and made them learn to cooperate. But the question is, could it have been better? Much better? How many opportunities were missed? How much more of their potential could have been developed if their parents had used more thoughtful discipline strategies?
Here are some reasons why spanking is not a desirable method of parenting:
- It hinders emotional regulation. Children often cry or misbehave because they are frustrated with their own emotions, which they don’t know how to communicate or manage. In these situations, children need help expressing their feelings and learning how to deal with them. Spanking and yelling teaches them nothing except fear and emotional suppression. Suppressed emotions aren’t resolved—they remain in the subconscious and create long-term problems.
- Loss of connection and trust. Violence breaks a child’s will and ignores their feelings. The more this happens, the less a child believes that you care about them and understand them. From your perspective, you may think you are doing it for their own good, but the child loses trust in you. This can result in increased defiance in later years, especially during adolescence. When they grow up, they may only want to contact you out of obligation. It’s possible that they will treat you in your old age the same way you treated them in their early years.
- Normalization of violence. From your example, the child learns what is normal and how to behave in stressful situations. In other words, you can instill the belief that violence is normal in situations of frustration and disagreement. When they grow up, they may start using violence themselves or tolerate (or even justify) violence from others.
- Loss of self-confidence, creativity, and initiative. If a child learns that you will break their will with violence instead of understanding them and guiding them, they will expect the same from others. They may develop a subconscious feeling that their desires and needs are unimportant or wrong. All of this will greatly affect their self-confidence. Lack of confidence leads to a lack of initiative, creativity, and curiosity. These probably aren’t the consequences you want for your child.
On the other hand, discipline is definitely necessary. Children need to learn a balance between their needs and those of others. So, how to discipline a child without hitting and yelling?
Tips on how to discipline a child in constructive ways
To avoid the possibility of misunderstanding, I want to emphasize that some of the strategies listed below are not meant to be used at the first sign of unwanted behavior, but only when thoughtful communication does not give results. Also, keep in mind that although it is necessary for the parent to be an authority figure to the child, this does not mean that the child is a “second-class citizen.” Like the parent, the child has the right to their own desires, feelings, and interests. It is the parent’s responsibility to treat the child as a unique human being who is equal in value, if not in experience. When I talk about discipline, punishment, and authority, I do not mean that it is the parent’s right to ignore the child’s wishes and emotions or to manipulate the child into obedience. However, it is the parent’s duty to raise the child to be a responsible and considerate member of society. The key is in finding balance.
These strategies are not meant to “train” the child or impose your own will, but to be used when the child realistically crosses others’ boundaries and refuses necessary cooperation. Sometimes, with quality upbringing that includes a lot of listening to the child, giving them attention, and creating good communication and trust, such behaviors can be prevented. But not always. In any case, always first ask yourself what unexpressed emotions are at the root of the child’s behavior and what they truly need. Only if that doesn’t work should you then apply consequences and punishment.
- Help the child express their emotions. A child’s resistance may not be defiance, but rather a need to understand and verbalize their feelings. Show the child compassion and understanding, but still stick to your demands. Like many adults, if a child can safely express unpleasant emotions and feel understood, they may quickly relax and forget those feelings. Then, the need for resistance may diminish or even disappear. I recommend the book “The Happiest Toddler on the Block” by Harvey Karp for more information on this topic.
- Allow the child to experience the natural consequences of their behavior. If they break a toy, don’t buy them a new one. Let them (if it’s not too risky) get a minor bump, scratch, or burn. A friend of mine used to say to her son, for example, “If you jump down the stairs, you might fall and hurt yourself. I won’t stop you, you decide, but think about the consequences first.” Her son usually paid attention because he trusted her. And when he didn’t, he had a chance to learn something. Of course, apply this advice within reason.
- Financial consequences. It’s good to give children a reasonable allowance so they learn to manage money. However, an allowance also gives you the opportunity to discipline them in a practical and straightforward way when needed. Warn them in advance, and if they continue to act defiantly, temporarily reduce or withhold their allowance.
- Repairing damage. If the child spills something, let them clean it up instead of doing it for them. If they’re too young to do it alone, make them at least help. If they offend someone, have them offer three compliments as compensation. They could even cover part of any material damage from their allowance, for example.
- Mirror their behavior. While not always appropriate, there are cases where this can be a practical way to show even a small child the consequences of their behavior. If the child is being rude, try imitating them. If they embarrass you in front of guests, act in a similar way that puts them in a slightly uncomfortable position (you might want to explain this to your guests first). If the child ignores you, say that next time, you’ll ignore them in return. Of course, don’t overdo it with this method—keep a sense of proportion and humor. Also, before using this approach, consider if an unexpressed need is underlying the child’s behavior, as mentioned in point 1.
It’s often helpful to “prepare the ground” in advance rather than trying to explain your perspective to the child when you’re pressed for time and need something done quickly. Here’s what you can do ahead of time, ideally when both you and the child are relaxed and calm.
- Explain your reasons. For example: “Later, we’re going to the supermarket. There will likely be things you really want me to buy. However, I might not want to buy them because they’re not healthy for you or because I need to save money for a new car. You’ll probably get angry and frustrated when I tell you no. But I want to explain why now. Please think about what we should do if that happens.” It’s easier to prepare the child for future situations than to try explaining in the heat of their emotional outbursts. Later, in the supermarket, things might not go perfectly, but you’ll be able to remind the child of what you discussed.
- Discuss punishments in advance and be consistent. Try to explain problematic situations and ask the child for ideas on what would be a suitable punishment if they misbehave. You might be surprised that children often have no problem cooperating in such conversations when they have time to think calmly and see things from your perspective. The child might even suggest excessive punishments, giving you an opportunity to show leniency. Later, when the unwanted behavior happens again, you can say, “Remember what we talked about? You know we agreed on consequences for this? Now we need to stick to that.” Don’t give in. If the agreed punishment is reasonable and appropriate, it shouldn’t be hard to implement. Punishments don’t have to be intense and excessive, as many perceive that word; they can also be mild.
Seek advice from other parents and online. Two heads are better than one, and a hundred experienced parents can mean a hundred ideas. Look for forums and groups on social media where parents share tips with each other.
Besides negative consequences, it’s also important to build positive motivation in children.
How to motivate your child
Ideally, children should learn from the satisfaction of the positive consequences of their behavior. The problem is that positive consequences often aren’t immediately obvious but require time and patience. Children don’t have a sense of the future—they want to feel good right now. Here are some short-term and long-term tips to motivate them.
- Lead by example. For instance, if you prohibit something for the child, don’t do it yourself. If you want the child to behave a certain way, behave that way yourself. Children learn largely by observing and imitating. Pay special attention to thoughtful and considerate communication.
- Jointly complete tasks. It’s unrealistic to expect a child to do boring household chores on their own. Children need social interaction. You probably find it easier to do boring tasks in company too. Let chores be a time for bonding, cooperation, conversation, laughter, and even singing. That way, the child won’t develop a negative attitude toward them.
- Praise and rewards. Don’t overdo it, as the child might learn to always expect a reward and depend on praise instead of being internally motivated. But it’s also not good to withhold praise and rewards. Follow your intuition to gauge when and how much is appropriate.
- Ask the child for suggestions and ideas. For example: “I know it’s hard for you to get up early in the morning. It’s hard for me too, but we have to go to school and work, or we’ll both have problems. What do you think might help you get up earlier in the morning?” Even if the child doesn’t have practical ideas, you’re showing understanding and respect. This strengthens the child’s motivation to cooperate.
- Offer the child choices. For example: today, we need to wash the floors, sweep the leaves in the garden, and clean the windows. You choose which task to do, and I’ll do the rest. If the child feels like they’re making their own decision, they’ll be more likely to follow through.
Additional tips
- Don’t delay applying consequences. Many parents repeat their requests until they get angry and lose control. If you allow the child to ignore you until you start yelling, the child will learn to react only to your anger. Instead, calmly but swiftly apply pre-determined consequences. Tell the child, “I’ll warn you once more, then a punishment follows” (ideally something previously discussed, as in point 7) or “If you don’t do it in 10 minutes, then I’ll (announce specific consequences).” And stick to it rather than postponing.
- Be absolutely consistent. If you announce a punishment but then avoid enforcing it, the child will learn not to take you seriously. So never threaten with excessive punishments you wouldn’t have the heart to carry out. Milder, reasonable punishments are easier to be consistent with.
- Help the child learn from their mistakes. If something bad happens as a result of the child’s disobedience, let them experience the consequences (again, within reason), and then ask: “What can you learn from this?” You could also try, “Careful not to accidentally learn something!” In any case, this is far more useful than belittling or blaming.
In rare cases, a child may truly have an inherent personality disorder or other neurological problems, in which case these methods may not help much. However, in the vast majority of cases, you can discipline a child without hitting and yelling if you invest some thought, patience, and creativity. It may seem harder at first, but in the long run, it saves time and nerves. Putting in more effort now to get results later is an adult decision.
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